[THE RELATIONSHOP] Managing Addiction In a Relationship (Episode #42)

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thing is relationship where we analyze pop culture to give you relationship advice that works. I’m Toya not love, not mud Nasha. Not even Tanya next to me e o not Eric, not Eric. Just regular Eric E ain’t even g o A new intro You’ve been working on that all week, E. But if you have any questions, send those into the relation shop at power. 77 radio dot com Jason, what we got. We got one from Harry. He is in Dallas. All right, Harry E. Don’t know who this is, but here we go.

My wife sister is moving in the summer and I’m not happy about it. But her sister is disabled and my wife doesn’t want to put her in a facility. The problem isn’t the space The problem is. Her sister acts like she’s my wife’s mother. My wife is the younger sister, but she doesn’t set proper boundaries. And now I know I’m going to be the bad guy when I start stepping up any advice on how I can mentally and spiritually prepared to handle the wrath of my sister in law?

What are you talking about? Well, LaToya, it’s all you. Oh, man, that is tough. All right, So, first of all, you and your wife need to have a conversation before she moves in Esso. That needs to happen so that you, too, can be on the same ground and see everything I do. I and understand. Like, how long is she gonna be living with you? You know, like you need to know. What are the boundaries gonna be like when she moves in? And how long is she gonna be forever?

It sounds like a taking her on. Yeah. Um how are the boundaries? Separated in the house, like, Is she gonna be living upstairs? And y’all are downstairs. You all need to come up with a plan. This is that’s tough. That’s really, really tough. And to have you looked at all the facilities, like, maybe there’s one that might be You Sure? Yeah, there might be one. You know, this is a no. One. Really? Yeah. Yeah, that’s tough, because it sounds like he’s already saying that that there are boundaries.

That’s why sister can act like the mom to her younger sister, his wife. Um, really the only person that could set those boundaries is his wife. Yeah, I think if I’m him, it needs to be like a written contract. Some expectations written down and saying she’s not moving in unless we’re in agreement on these. And then when she come when she comes in, we’re sitting down with her and laying out here’s expectations. Here’s behaviors that are not gonna occur in the house. And if you’re not willing to honor these boundaries, then you are gonna move back out somewhere.

I mean, I think his wife needs toe at least be willing to say, Hey, if she will not honor what we’re asking, you have to be prepared to put her out. You can’t put your sister out. Don’t bring your, you know, And this is one of those situations that will kill a marriage. And a Harriet’s about to say in the beginning it will be the wife coming to you like, Oh, she’s gonna my nerves. And next thing you know, it’s gonna be both of them. And oh, that’s just gonna tear you down in the house. Same.

Yeah, dependent on the good luck. Good luck. Depending on the severity of the disability man, they they might not be equipped to deal with it. So be honest about that too. You may feel bad, but if you’re not equipped, that’s gonna be a train wreck, right? Right. How strong is your marriage right now? How connected are you two right now without the sister being there. So awesome. Alright. For anymore questions, send those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com and Eric, what are we talking about?

I have no idea. That’s all you sure showed today. Just We’re talking about managing addiction in a relationship, not love managing, not my managing just managing. That s so that’s what we wanna talk about. Addiction is one of those areas that could tear a relationship apart. And so we wanna talk about what it looks like, kind of define it on, and then talk about how do we handle that? If we’re in a dating relationship, how do we handle it? If we’re married to somebody who’s dealing with it, how do we support him and handle This?

Oughta be good. That’s we’re talking about. And this may be rare, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say maybe some of your shows. And maybe some of the people in Hollywood may have addiction issues. Anybody you can think of? Yeah. Yeah, I think of rock. What? What? Z Yeah, way. He’s got settled in Tiffany. Yes. So here they are. Long distance dating, right? And 90 day fiancee help. Other way. People who listen who have better things to do with you. Gotta bring you gotta bring the normal people along you 90 day the other way.

You said yes because she she was supposed to move into South Africa with him. So they’re doing this long distance dating. She traveled over there to visit him and come to find out he had a gambling addiction. Eso she knew all of this before they got married, and he was actually in rehab right before she made the move. Like he got discharged from rehab. Right When her and her son moved to south South Africa s o, they were dating, and she’s just like, it’s OK. I’m gonna still Yeah.

Still think she’s gonna welcome through and and honestly, if you’ve seen some of these shows, you know, there’s been the 90 day quarantines and all that and all these people show back up. He’s actually still in treatment and he’s still getting some therapy for that stuff because he’s had a couple of relapses where she’s not. She’s not with him anymore. So now he’s by himself trying to cope with addiction. And there’s nothing worse than addiction and isolation that didn’t work for the relationship you’re telling. No, they’re still.

They’re still working on it. So yeah, that she didn’t want to live in South Africa. She’s trying to get him back over to America, so that’s a whole different deal. They had nothing to do with his addiction, everything to do with South. Did it show dynamics of the relationship? I mean, did they have any fights over his addiction? Did his addiction empty her bank account or anything? What was dynamic? I don’t think that there was no none of that. The only the big issue that came up is she was really stressed out about his bachelor party because of this addictive personality and some of the things that went on in the bachelor party she wasn’t real thrilled with, but, uh, yeah, so So you’re saying he has addictive personality?

This just is the fast that he’s stuck on right now. I think so. I think so. So, yeah, they got a long road and I just feel bad for him because he’s dealing with the addiction and trying to stay clean from going to, you know, a casino and whatnot or whatever gambling he did. And he has to deal with his family being here in the United States and his daughter. It’s like she just adding so much stress on to him, you know, knowing of his past, for sure, which, you know, when you’re talking about all this addictive.

It’s easy to go to Hollywood with all the issues they have. But you know what’s cool? You can pull some positive out of because you gotta pull Robert Downey Jr in that boy turned his life around from addiction. And for those of you that are really, really young Mr Ironman himself, he was addicted to heroin, cocaine, crack. I mean, he went through it. Um, I think in 1996 is when he was pulled over and had he’s done prison time. I mean, he was really like you just would see him and be like, No, there’s no hope there is no how many of the marvel people that watch actually know that, are they?

To Thio was a mess. He waas and now I’m like, I like him. Oh, yeah, That’s what happens when you get clean. You turned into Iron, Man. I’m tempted. Get into something, get clean and see what happens. E could use a resurrection e addicted Thio. Horrible nineties rap music doesn’t count. It doesn’t, uh, way lost 80% of our listeners, bro, ain’t nobody on here listening to Van Halen and Limp Biscuit and whatever else you uh all right, we apologize. Jason does not The words out of Jason’s mouth do not represent the organization as a whole.

A. Alright, No, that’s good, because you do, see, I mean, we could go through a laundry list of especially Hollywood people that started young. It seemed like every one of them because of the pressure and the exposure and all that kind of stuff. Very more another one e. Just just listen. Mall. Lindsay Lohan just go through all all the people that are under 30. You guys ever watched celebrity rehab? No, with Dr Drew, I never watched that. I saw that. But yeah, that never worked really well, it’s just it’s just sad because it’s like the money and the pressure and all that kind of stuff just exposed a lot of just just have hurt from from their families growing up.

And so that’s the tough thing about addiction. Were all predisposed for addiction way all wanna minimize pain and maximize pleasure. And so if we can find something that gets rid of the pain in our life and we’re gonna do, it s so let’s let’s turn the turn towards addiction and talk about what is addiction and we’re not going to give a big scientific explanation. We’re just simply going to say is any habit that a person continues to do, even though it brings harmful consequences. So obviously you can have psychological addiction stuff.

You can have physical addiction to substances different things like that, Um, but if somebody who keeps engaging in the same behavior despite its negative consequences all right, let me clarify just to make sure our listeners and everybody understands we’re talking about spouses that are married are dating people who are having addictions. Definitely that that’s the route we’re going to go down today. It’s a relationship show. So we’re not gonna talk about five steps to overcome your addiction. We’re gonna talk about How do you deal with somebody who may be in an addiction?

Got you? So that’s that’s around. I think we’re gonna run. Let’s let’s talk about the cycle real quick just so people can kind of recognize what it looks like. It’s just the generalized addiction cycle. There’s step number ones, an emotional trigger. So there’s usually something that was frustrating internal pain. Something leads to anxiety and a demand for relief from the feelings. Right? So something’s happened. I don’t like the way I’m feeling. That’s now my trigger. And then the next step is craving. So people fantasize about whatever it is, the substance or the behavior.

They start thinking about the thing that helps provide relief for it, Uh, next stages ritual. And so they’re obsessing about the addiction and what life will look like after. So it’s like what you know, they’re jonesing for another hit or man. If I could just get to the casino, whatever it is, if I could just do this thing, then that’s what’s gonna happen next I’m going to get there, then they use it. So that’s the behavior of addiction. And then there’s guilt. And so that’s, you know, they develop feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, all that kind of stuff.

That’s these air the promises, right? I’ll never do it again. That’s not who I am. I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry. All that kind of stuff. And they usually will do good for a season. No, no. If their season is two hours, two weeks or two months. But if you’ve never dealt with the internal pain, there’s gonna be a moment that comes again. Where that pain is gonna be exposed. There’s the emotional trigger again. And here we go trying to find a way to get rid of the pain again.

So that’s kind of the general cycle. You go through the trigger craving ritual using and then guilt, and then we go right back around the end. Yeah. Okay. So there’s a lot to uncover their a lot to uncover on that one there. Yeah. You wanna talk about your addiction, Jason, Are you sure? If I knew what it was, What is it just looking at? I mean, we’ll go through all these. I’m just looking at this guilt. When when they go through the guilt, I’m thinking that’s got to create a little trigger to cause more addiction. Sure.

Well, the number guilt. Absolutely. You don’t like the feelings of guilt and shame. So it’s pretty easy to get right back to that place again. I would agree for sure. And what about dating with an addict? So then what does that look like? All right, so we’ll start there, right? Because dating and marriage are different and we’re gonna handle them different. So what do you do in dating? What are your thoughts? If you’re dating somebody within addiction, what should we do? Should we just pick one, pick one?

The alcohol? Let’s say alcohol you’re dating somebody drink successively every time they come home from work, they gotta have a drink toe wind down. They’ll often drink to the point where there’s negative behavior behind it. So maybe they drink and drive and and that happens a lot to go to the bar a lot. Drive home drunk or they get drunk. And then that cause relationship problems. Maybe anger follows it, or some of that kind of stuff. If you’re dating somebody, what would you do? I mean, the first thing that pops into my head is what I mean.

Why am I dating somebody? E you love you love them? I’m gonna say to I don’t think it’s always that cut and dry, like you have a lot of coping Alcoholics. So, like you said, they might work all day, and then they come home. But they have to have, like, some wine. They have to have some type of alcohol there. Maybe not out getting drunk like, Well, they’re they’re getting drunk, but they’re not like getting in a car accident or getting in fights. So it’s like, I feel like you still have to be aware of those types of coping.

Alcohol’s just like you do. The ones that are obvious where they’re fighting, they’re causing drama. But, you know, I’m thinking you got to sit back and have a real conversation with yourself. Long term, because now you’ve got a fast forward your mind ago. Okay. What does this look like in marriage? What does it look like with kids? What does it look like? Overall, in the long haul, Is it gonna get better? What if it doesn’t get better? And so there’s so many questions to answer there that you gotta be really yourself.

And then, after all that, if you still wanna push forward well, you better come up with a pretty good game plan. I would think right, And that’s the thing. It’s like Be aware because like I said, I feel like there are a lot of coping alcoholics and you might just be like, Oh, it’s no big deal, You know, they just need They just need a few drinks every day. It’s no big deal that that’s just how they like to relax, and it’s like when you’re dating, that’s when you really, really, really have to pay attention to that because thes habits air there, you’re you’re living with it, you are.

You’re not acknowledging it, but that your that’s your comfort zone. So the next thing you know, you’re you’re moving on and not having the conversations because you’re just like that’s just them. It’s okay, that’s their personality. That’s okay. And it’s just be aware and pay attention, especially You don’t like the habits. What should you do? We should probably ask yourself, Why am I with someone who’s habits I don’t like? Yeah, exactly. And to I would just say like, Yeah, pay attention to that and it’s And if you’re like, I’m not one that needs to have a drink all the time or let’s go a little bit further.

I’m not one that needs to watch porn all the time, you know? So if you go into different Monday Wednesday, Friday, that zero rough days. So I’m not saying that you need todo if the person you’re dating, they need that, like these air addictions that you have to just pay attention to, especially in dating, is what do they feel like? They need toe have all the time. What? That that’s a good That’s a good one. LaToya. So the thing is, you know what? That’s a good one because I think sometimes you can fool yourself into thinking Well, they just use important right now because that’s one of the ways they cope because we’re not married.

But when we’re married and then they’re getting sex from me, they won’t need that stuff anymore. And I think that’s a lie. Absolutely. We could do a whole show on porn addiction for sure. E talking about that one time e Think that was the time you fell asleep? It wasn’t. Show E after your top five e have your voice just pushing. Your s so soothing. Like Barry White over here, man. U S. So if you’re dating, if you’re dating and the person you’re dating addictions are causing negative consequences for them and you.

Consequently, I think you need to set some really concrete and clear and concise expectations some real clear boundaries of the behaviors that you expect and do not want. And if the person is unable or unwilling to abide by the rules of the expectations boundaries, you’ve said, then do you’re done. There needs to be an ultimatum. Do not keep your on the front side of marriage. You still can get out. S o do not fool yourself into thinking a little more love. A little more care a little more.

A little more. A little more. The other person has to be willing to put everything that got into beating the addiction or it ain’t gonna happen. So set boundaries, Expectations they don’t meet him. Hit the road, Jack Yes. And ladies, we always think we could change somebody. Look, no, it’s not just you. You’re not gonna be the one that’s gonna be able to save him and get him clean And all the work you put in so far like, nope. Let it go. He needs to do this on his own.

Now, what about when you’re already married? When you’re married? Hey, you know what? I’m glad you brought that up. Oh, you know what I got for you? Let me guess. E o probably use these in dating to top five. I’m the nap. That’s still steal my thunder. Alright, so Well, really. I kind of did a little research here just to help. Okay. I wanna help somebody out today should be helpful this time. Listen up. People don’t do not like you normally do on the top. Listen in.

Come on. Now these they’re gonna be he’s gonna be legit. So I came up with five tips for coping with somebody who’s married to an addict. Alright, Eh? So the first one is something we have talked about and we will continue to talk about and becomes up becomes part of the most important thing to do. And just about anything is have community now having community. The key part about this is you got to surround people who are going to be really with you, right? Surround yourself. Keep that can keep you grounded because there are those days where you might dio You know what?

He’ll get better hell. And you just gotta have somebody who’s gonna be really with you in that situation, You know? He’s not bro. Yeah, he’s not the second one. All right, So you can, um, commit have a commitment to your own personal health, right? Because it’s very easy to get caught up in somebody else. And, you know, back in the day, I was Mr Lifeguard. Right? So that’s the first thing they taught you as a lifeguard is you don’t jump into, say, because they’re gonna pull you down. Same. Yep.

Same time. Start drowning and get tired before you go throw something out. Thio. Yeah, they’re gonna pull you down. It’s the same type thing they can. If you get pulled down. Health wise, you’re not gonna be able to help them, so yeah, so make a commitment to take care of yourself. Stay out of the water to stay out of the water. There you go. All right, So the third one No impossible outcomes ahead of time. So what’s gonna happen in your mind? What’s gonna happen when you catch him with the porn when you catch him with the alcohol?

When things already come up with the game plan instead of just reacting in the moment? All right, Number four. Avoid shaming comments and behaviors. That should be self explanatory, but that’s not going to do anything. But because it might trigger him again could trigger them again. So, yeah, avoid those. So you’re saying I should not refer to my spouse is Jack Daniels when he comes in the house? Sure. Your spouse’s check. Dandy Jack Daniels. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Number five. Understand that it takes time. This is like peeling back and onion.

This is an addiction. It takes some time, so you gotta be prepared for time. So there’s your five. So you’re telling me that from the moment that they verbally say I’m going to get better, that it may take a while? It may take a May may not be a linear straight up into the right progress and there’s going to be falls and there’s gonna be two steps back. And so you gotta be ready to put in the time. Boy, that sounds That sounds difficult enough that if I’m dating, I’m out E. I don’t know if I want to sign up for that stuff.

So let’s let’s let’s tackle a few. Let’s tackle a couple different types of addiction and then we could say, based on your top five, how will we handle them? So let’s start with Toia said Porn earlier. Yeah, and so let’s go with that. Not the occasional toy was talking about regular. Just a regular. There’s a born, so my spouse has got it. We’ll let you answer that because this is not always now. More and more women are getting addicted department. Generally, more men struggle with this than women do.

So let’s say your husband struggling with this toy. What do you dio? All right, So first of all, we need to sit down and have a conversation like, What is it? What is it? Is it I like naked chicks, that’s what it is and like, What is it? Is it the desire of the time. Like, are you? I guess I need to figure out. Like, what is it? What? How do we pull you away from when I looked more to does some stuff in my brain that releases some chemicals?

That’s what makes it makes my That makes my brain feels good. And so it relieves stress. It gives me an escape for a little while and I’m a dude, man. I’m just I’m wired for site and okay, so the next question if I was the wife, is what’s wrong with me? Yeah. So that’s why I was going to say, like, What is it like I need to know, Is it am I satisfying you, or is there something missing, like, what is it is a busy right, So and then that’s the other.

Sometimes you tell me. No screen never tells me no eso That’s at that point. I’m gonna be like, Look, we need to go and talk to somebody. That’s what I would say. Like we need to get into Jason’s community outside way would do that because I need other people to understand. First of all, as a wife, then I know I need to look at sex is something mawr of, like us bonding and all that. So I need to make sure in my heart in my mind that I’m not holding back for selfish reasons, right as myself look at myself first, and then I need to make sure that you, as my husband, is also saying, You know what?

I’m not gonna be able to get it all the time. I need to practice self control. You know, I need to look more at my wife. So community help. And if that doesn’t really work, then counselor, this has got to be one of the tougher ones. For wise for sure, because this one hits personal with wise, like, you know, alcohol, things like that. We’re talking porn. This is This is where the shaming thing can come in. And, you know, you’re worthless type type thing that you start throwing out of your husband’s.

But, I mean, you also you have to backtrack a little bit to go because I don’t know a porn addiction, looking at porn, being addicted to porn. It’s gotta It’s going. It goes further than just I like naked chicks. E mean there is something there. There is a confidence thing there. There is a well, it’s It’s like anything it’s finding, finding something that that provides pleasure in the mind and physiologically and provides an escape. And eso yeah, there. Maybe that like I was half joking. But there’s no rejection with porn, you know, it’s always readily available.

It’s the easy outlet. And so, you know, part of it is trying toe. There’s practical things, right, like put filters on your computer and your phone become accountable to people. If if you know certain times and seasons when you’re Maura tempted, for instance, don’t stay up late. When the rest of the family goes to bed, Go to bed. Don’t be on your laptop late won’t be on your phone late. You know if you know there’s moments if it’s about boredom, whatever. So is it fair to say that for the spouse going especially speaking to women, mainly here is that don’t take it personal and I mean the reality.

It’s easy to say they never should. It’s the guys issue, so I don’t care how much the guy tries to put it back on you. Well, if you arm or sexually available blah, blah. This is your issue. Pursue purity. Whether your wife is there or not, this is a you issue, so they shouldn’t take it personally. But I think that Zizi to go it’s easy to hurt somebody and go. Don’t be offended. Don’t take it personally. So anyway, those their thoughts on porn. What about if it’s a substance abuse issue?

Yeah, well, I mean substance that. I mean, they all fall kind of under the same category as substance abuse is one of those. That’s probably a little easier to track than the porn addiction you can sneak away. I can smell you when you come in. You don’t smell like corn. You know, you don’t smell cocaine, E. I guess you got me. I mean, if you get a ton of meth, I’ll notice your teeth or Yeah, but, you know, I mean, just in actions, and you know, the way the responses and stuff, I just think you could probably pick that one up a little bit about how you deal with that.

I mean, that is something that you gotta jump on quick, I think cause substance abuse. It’s like one of those things that’s going to start small and end up destroying your family. But that’s a professional help. Sometimes porn could be. I’m not saying porn is not professional because then it, you know, sex addiction, other stuff. But I think porn can. You could be effective with good community friendships, filters, that kind of stuff. When you start talking about substance, alcohol, drugs, um, it’s so rewired the brain that that often they need a intensive in patient rehab for a period of time.

And then you got to change your whole environment. You can’t come back out and be in the same environment and expect not to do it because we’re talking about substance abuse to your talking about chemical changes that will take place that they have to come out of. Absolutely. So there’ll be some physical ramifications s. It’s a whole different ballgame right on. And then what about being married to a gambling addict? It’s a good question. Well, yeah, I guess when they come to repo your car, then you figure it out.

What should be easiest. It’s interesting because that’s something I’ve never I have rarely dealt with people, and so I did counsel someone not too long ago in the context of a local church. And they said There’s like a whole group of people. Yeah, that that would all go together. And so there’s like, a bunch of people that struggle with it and they know each other, and they kind of almost drag each other back into the thing. So that one for you know, part of our process and treatment was You gotta have a whole new community instead of friends who are not doing that stuff.

Help yourself get. And I think you got it. If you’re married to somebody, you gotta figure out how to minimize their access to money, right? They can’t have credit cards. They may not get access to the bank account. You may need to hit some pretty hard line trigger for Is it the same kind of triggered for the gambling addict? I mean substance. You could see their stress, whatever tryingto trying to chill the day porn. You like naked chicks? What e think the root of all this stuff is the same right?

It’s a coping mechanism to try to figure out how to deal with aspects of the life that maybe they’re not in control of. And so some people love risks, risk taking some people that gets greed driven on DSO like anything you get in there. And that could give you some highest man when you got a lot of money on the line. And that’s it’s tough with Internet, right? Because it used to be. You got to go somewhere Now, get online, online gambling, all kinds of stuff. So it doesn’t make it tough toe The reason Vegas makes billions, I guess, right?

But I think with with addiction, we always have to remember. And this is for all of us that you will always abandon a lesser love for a greater love. That’s why some people will lose their whole families, their jobs, everything because they so love that substance. And so part of the redirection is how do I How do I not? Sometimes we focus so much on the abstinence, right? Stopped looking at porn. Stop gambling, stop using drugs. Stop drinking alcohol. But it can’t just be stopped. It’s also got to be how doe I refocus my eyes on on something greater for believers.

That should be Jesus, obviously If if he’s your greatest love, then some of these other things just feel inadequate. They’re not as attractive anymore because you found something so much greater. And so that’s part of the shift is how do we focus them on something that could become a greater love than what the addiction was as they’re working through? That’s that’s a good way to end this thing, because that’s a That’s a profound statement there giving up, the greater for the less I like it every once in a while.

Yeah, you can get one. And also I wanted to add in. So for anybody that is dealing with addiction or anyone that’s married to someone, if you know you want to just start somewhere, then Google celebrate recovery. So that’s a program that many churches offer, Um, and what? Whatever that addiction is, Whatever you’re going through, it’s just something if you if you need that community, then just google that and find one close to you. But if you all have any questions in those into the relationship at power 77 radio dot com and we will talk to you soon, audio

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