[THE RELATIONSHOP] Should Marriage Change You? (Episode #41)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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this’ll is relationship where we analyze pop culture to give you relationship advice. That works. I’m Toya and I have Eric and Jason. Alright, and for questions, send those into the relation shop at power. 77 radio dot com. Jason, what you got? We got one from Tony in Garland G Town. What? What shot at the detail from from this toy? All right, here we dio All right, here we go. Alright. So my wife and I are bumping heads with sending our kids to summer school. She’s fearful, and I’m trying to find ways to help her cope with this decision and my bad husband or father for sending my kids to summer school despite my wife’s fears.

Man, get a Yeah, exactly. That’s a hard question to ask without knowing any motive like, Well, are you just you just tired of it? Fears Kobe is when I’m assuming maybe the fear of Covic that it’s like I don’t know if I want my kids to go to summer school, But look, I just say, pray over those little ones and, um, let them get back into a routine because they probably have been home since, like March and you don’t know what to do. Let’s just assume. Let’s just assume it’s just a worried mother.

Forget Cove. It and all that stuff is just a worried mother. I’m sending my kids to summer school. I’m not sure about that. I mean, in that case, you know, I mean, sometimes you gotta you gotta boot him out a little bit so they can grow, so yeah. Yes, that that’s a whole different twists. Knowing a little background on that would help. Yeah, that is hard. Because you just don’t know is this ah, values proposition argument? Like they just not in agreement on education, period. Hanging out with the kids.

Yeah, they you know the agreement. Is Dad too hard on him and thinks they got to be, You know, the next Harvard scholar. And that’s why he wants to scholarship. Are they behind in their schooling? And he’s trying to get him caught up. Is it a punishment for not doing is good as they were supposed to dio, there’s so many factors. I don’t know. I guess at the end of the day, you know it’s trying to get on the same page and and hear each other’s hard as to why they want what they want or you know what?

I’m also here and you all know I’ll be hearing extra stuff. Maybe he you mean not pertaining to the situation. Maybe maybe what’s going on is he’s just like, I’m tired of coming home from work or working in my office, and I wanna have some quality time with my wife and all she’s talking about is what you got to do with the kids and what are the kids doing? And I gotta prep for this and for that. And he’s just like, Look, let me just get these kids out of here so I can have my wife back for a minute.

Or maybe just forget the wife. He just like just not the kids interrupting zoom calls or wearing me out like get them somewhere. So So there you go. You get try to hear each other’s heart, honey, and if you can’t come into agreement, we’ve said it 100 times. You need some good community, come alongside you and help you resolve the conflict. So what are we talking toe for anymore? Questions? Send those into the relation shop at Power 77 radio dot com, and we’ll answer your questions on the show.

And Eric, what are we talking about? Way. Want to answer the question today? Does marriage change you? Does marriage change you? And if so, how does marriage change you? Should marriage change you? What happens with a person coming into marriage? So that’s really what we want to dress a day. Does marriage change you cool? And that’s something because I asked this question on my I G. Well, imagine that. You know, this was coming. I don’t know. Maybe it was a spirit, but said, How has marriage changed?

You and Miss Cali? Ray said, Absolutely 100 on that part before I was married and in our earlier years, I had ideas of things I wanted for our life without realizing he may not have the same ideas. I had my own plans without asking him first. So she had her own thing going on, and she was like, Come on, welcome to the party. That’s what we’re doing now. I actually have to consider somebody else’s thoughts that but man, you know what I think most Most of us are guilty of that in some way.

But anyway, what you got, Eric? Sure. Well, I think our boy Jason, he’s got five because I think he’s been feeling a little sliding on its top five. So he’s trying to make a comeback comeback, man, they’re stellar. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. So I do have top five. So we’re talking about those marriage change, you and all that. You know what? We’ve never had somebody email or message in. Boy, I love those Top five way ever had any way got lots.

All right. All right, well, I’ll work on that. So Alright, but we do have a top five. You know, I got a top five s. So what? We’re talking about this marriage changing all that, you know? No going from dating. There’s different stages of their different seasons. So in order to talk about this, you got to know the stages of marriage. So I got my top five stages of marriage. All right. Okay. So we got a little something for you. All right. So number one, Here we go.

We got the honeymoon stage. Oh, hey. Honeymoon. Yeah. Now this is when right? This is when you go into the bathroom and you turn on the water so they can’t hear what’s going on. The bike. That’s that stage, right? Everything’s all new and fresh and all that kind of stuff like that. So that’s the honeymoon stage now. Number two, that number two, we have the settling in stage set. You all comfortable, right? So this is when life hits, right? Life hits and you start to see how the other person reacts in situations, stressful situations.

So this is where you where that honeymoon wall comes down a little bit, you see a little bit more of the real side of the person moving in the number three the family stage, Family state family stage. That’s when the kiddos air coming in right kiddos air coming in Now. This is the danger right here. This is the danger. Is this is when you start putting kids first and your autopilot goes on for your marriage, right? So that’s the danger in that stage. You gotta watch, ever.

All right, Number four. We got the empty nest stage. A little peaches of her right now. Reunited kids are just me and mama right? Get to know each other. Now the danger and this one is that you didn’t do the other stages right beforehand and all, sudden, Now you got a stranger in the house s, so make sure you do the other ones. All right? Man number five, you got the completion stage. What’s completion? That’s it. You’re riding off into the sunset life coasting. You’re going to the deathbed with Not only do I have no idea what completion is, I have no idea what kind of song you’re playing with Trails.

Hey, that is Van Halen E. You can pull out your nineties hip hop stuff. I could throw out a lot better songs than that one E Can you do me a favor? Write a letter in and say that E just like that. You had music with him. It helped me forget what the top five e got caught up in slow dancing and some other stuff. So that’s good. Five. Awesome. So the question is, does marriage change you? And I think we gotta look at two categories. One is how we date on den.

The other is what actually happens in marriage. right. So I think part of part of the reason you know some people go, Oh, my gosh, I got married and now I got this whole different person. Part of the problem is that marriage has just revealed the real you because we know in dating a lot of times it’s about putting the best foot forward, not letting them see your C game. They only going to see my A game and eso a lot of times when you look at marriage and you go, Oh, my gosh, marriage has changed you so much.

No, I think marriage just revealed the real you because you were fronting through the dating process. Changes in all bad because, you know, you also get that way. They’re not going to change me. Sometimes you need to be changed. Yeah, a lot of times you need to be changed. So here’s what I would say for our for our dating people, because there’s there’s the actual change in marriage and how marriage changed and we’re gonna talk about that. But then there’s kind of the bait and switch change, which is you didn’t change.

You just didn’t really let him know who you are. So I would say to those couples dating like, Be transparent about who you are. Showing your C game now not only the A game, let them figure out that they can actually be married to and live with your C game, I think is you’re dating. Watch for real red flags And don’t fool yourself into thinking Well, well, I know he’s he’s unfaithful and all this kind of stuff when we’re dating. But when we’re married, he’s gonna have a different perspective.

That’s a character issue and a piece of paper and a marriage. Commitment is probably not going to change the issues of the heart. So and there’s a lot of people that have the mentality. Well, I know when we get married, I’ll be able to change them. Uh, don’t fool yourself. You do not have control over another person. So if you’re dating, be transparent. Look at red flags for what they are. Don’t don’t overlook him thinking that marriage will somehow change their character and don’t think you’re gonna change a person.

That’s true. That would be my dating approach. But now marriage marriage Does marriage change? You Should marriage change you And how does marriage change you? If it does well for me, I would have to say I learned patience. I learned how to be more understanding. It took me a long time, but I had to learn how to listen. I was not a very good listener. And I mean, I’m still learning. I’m still not the best, but those air things in like serving, you know, like it’s always me.

Like I don’t mind doing nice things for my but in the past, it was always let me do this nice thing. So then I could get this in return. You know, it was never just a just me serving with no strings attached. So that’s that’s still about that. Hey, man, I’m we’re still working on it. I’m just gonna be honest. E be honest. Working? Yeah. I mean, you know, do things. So it’s still like that old piece of me is just like, Oh, Toya. If you do this, then maybe he’ll do that.

Then it’s just like, No, no, stop. You change him. But you’ve changed from where you were. So is that age Is that just what? Yeah, I think its maturity. It’s age. You know, we we’ve We’ll be married 10 years this year. So it’s like, Yeah, Big One s. So it’s like burning. It’s just like I just wanna be better. But I feel like the level of awareness, Like, five years ago, I was in denial. You know, if you were to ask me, like, how are you? Are you doing this?

Are you doing that? I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, today I can acknowledge it and be honest and say I’m working on it, right. So, you know, you know, the different you got a song that goes along with Jason brought his whole playlist e e got dissed on the last one. E o E Said list there. Yeah. I mean me. Yeah. You know, age has been a big thing. Maturing is a big thing, but really I mean, those stages recognizing those stages with me as far as there are there you go through the honeymoon phase.

You go through all this kind of phase, but when life hits, you know, that’s when I started realizing kind of what toy was saying. That it’s not about me that you really You put the other person first type thing and that Zatz. Really, when I started changing my thought process and really serving, you know, you learn into servant, but listening to my spouse and not making it about me, and so that change the dynamic of my marriage. Um and you know, I’m not learning. I know how to do it to me.

I don’t know what your problem is, but he’s already got it perfect. E don’t know what system he’s 25 years in for me, and we’re still trying to struggle. Did you know what? They’ve actually done? Research on this. OK, so I read a study, was a psychologist at the University of Georgia, and he followed 169 couples getting married through their 1st 18 months to see. Does marriage change you? And so their evaluation tool. Have you guys ever heard of the It’s the most widely known and really the only research based personality assessment.

You know there’s a million of them out there, right to India Grand, the Myers Briggs. All that stuff. None of them are research based from scientists. Eso it’s called the Big Five. Have you ever heard of that? The acronym is Ocean. You heard of? That s the most widely won’t known one. So the big five are. It’s alright. So ocean, Remember ocean so openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness and neuroticism. So these air these air traits. And so if you research you know, most people know about this that have been awake a little while.

But anyway, here’s Here’s what I’m gonna dio. I want to tell you how the research showed that either men or women or both changed. And then you tell me if that was your experience. Okay, so the first one is openness was just means are you open to new experiences so high openness, um just means you like new things. And low openness means you like familiar eso. What they research over the 1st 18 months is that wives showed a significant decrease in openness, which is the trying new things.

And they thought it may reflect the acceptance of the new routines of marriage. So this one for Toya, would you say that over the life of marriage, have you settled into accepting mawr routine because it’s important for the marriage and family, or where were you at before and after coming in. I like new. I think I like new. Okay, so you switch it up all the time. That way, Dinner at four o’clock today. Seven o’clock tomorrow. Nine o’clock. So you just keep say, I don’t think we’re really to routine like that.

So I do like the change. You did not show a decrease in that. But the question would be if you had a spouse who like the routine A what? We always do dinner around the same time and same things. Would you conform to that? Maybe it would be hard, because every day I’m feeling different, you know? So the answer is no. Well, the answer is no for for toy. What about you, Jason? Any changing? I like news that I like new stuff too, You know, I like I like to keep it fresh now.

I mean, there’s there’s some, I guess security, whatever you wanna call it in a little routine, But the routine, I think with me routine loves me into just this autopilot, right? You know, I gotta change it up all the time. Yeah, makes sense. Yeah, but think about marriage. So as a single. You could do whatever you want whenever you want. You get married, you not have to think about somebody else and often check in with somebody else on decisions. So I think even though you think you like new things, I think relationship requires some level of adapter.

Unless unless both spouses just have the exact same personality and and they’re excited about each other’s unpredictability. Yeah, when I’m saying unpredictable, I don’t mean just flying around bouncing off the walls, but, you know, obviously the responsibilities. There’s routine. We definitely have a routine. But e don’t fall into, you know, spontaneity. I like the spontaneity type stuff. Hey, let’s go take a trip this weekend or whatever. Within about How How would your wife like If you decided you were trying a new job or entrepreneurial endeavor every 12 months, That wouldn’t go so well, that dog grooming.

I’m just not feeling that anymore. I’m thinking about starting an interior design that they were different than the Oh, I’m just saying there’s different category. Oh, let’s move to the next one. So the second one is conscientiousness. That’s the sea, and that just means that’s about dependability in order. So if you’re high in conscientiousness, you like, punctual and tidy. If you’re low, then deadlines don’t really matter. And you’re comfortable with clutter that z high, low conscientiousness. Okay, so here’s what The research. The research showed that husbands increased significantly in conscientiousness and wife stayed around the same because women, generally in research, are hiring that.

And so it may be the husband’s learned the significance or importance of being more dependable and responsible once they got. So what you’re saying is, according to that, women like a little more clubby. No, no. Women like Mawr structure generally eso from their research men increase in this became or structural entirely on women stayed about the same because there are there. What about you guys? We’re we’re opposite of what you’re talking about. So I’ve had to conform and remember to put things where they belong because I’m used. Thio.

Uh, I’m used to knowing where a guy that goes into the pantry and puts everything exactly. So I’ve had to conform to that. Hey, makes up the bed every day. I appreciate that and you know, so it’s It’s cool, you know? It’s all right, Ugo, you know with me? I am. I am more like Ahmad. I’d lean more towards the my you know, like like my email. I will erase even do nothing like a number one on my email Fist bump Z 10 c d. And, uh, there’s not many of us, man.

We gotta stick together, right? So, yeah, it was like, May I am. You know, the email thing. I got to erase my emails. I hate that number one on my email thing. Lisa, I have 3000 on there, you know? So I I’m the o c d Don’t e like some people that I see that literally have, like, 10,972 on their little? When I get rid of my phone, get new email. I can just go over if it’s two months old and you’re never responded. Just going. Delete it all.

You’re never gonna go. How many emails you? Oh, my gosh. E was toy Got 4700. Was that? That’s insane. That’s crazy. It’s insane. E 1753 emails. You do not have time in your life to get to him, so go back to start it. 4000 and just a race go down the 500. What if I have time? All right, let’s move to the next one. The E in ocean thing is extra version, so if it’s high your outgoing you like socializing. If it’s low, you like time alone. So what they said in the research was, husbands tend to become a little more introverted the first year and a half of marriage.

They tend to stay home or than they do go out, which should be after how many years thistles? The first year and a half measuring change in the first year. And they become more of an introvert. Yeah, they don’t change who they are, but there’s less going out socializing and mawr time to marriage, which should be a natural. I think if you’re going out with your buddies four nights, so we just not conducive to marriage, so what they did they measure them along the way brighter to marriage six months, 12 months, 18 months to see how they change.

So that one seems logical to me. I think so. I think unless you marry somebody who loves socializing as much as you, you’re probably not gonna go. And then even then you’re probably gonna change your friend groups, right? Less more married people, that stuff. So that one, that one seems kinda normal to be the A. The next one is called agreeableness, and this is just how well you get along with other people. High agreeable is easy going happy doing with others they’re doing low is you want things your way, no matter what others want.

So that’s on the agreeableness scale. So what they What they discovered is this is so great is both husbands and wives became a less agreeable over the 18 month. So they became a little more selfish What I want on less. And it said it said here women are generally more agreeable than men. So the wives seem to be learning to assert themselves in marriage by being less agreeable. So it seems that the wives, we’re kind of starting to feel themselves to go. Hold on. I don’t need to go along with everything.

Now that we’re settling in this relationship, honeymoon stage is over. I don’t have to perform and tell you everything you want to hear. So guess what No, I don’t like that. I don’t like your mama. I don’t like that food. Yeah, and what, you’re gonna dio what you’re gonna do? Leave me e don’t like any of that stuff. You know what? All that stuff we were doing sexually we shouldn’t have before marriage. I didn’t like that anyway, so I’m not doing any of it way. That’s a different show.

We already way. What about you guys? Would you say that? Your experience less agreeable and mawr? Oh, yeah. Having my way? No. Well, what happened for me? So Well, you know what? I guess we because we but we dated for so long before we got married. That now maybe it didn’t. Maybe it happened before. Actually, never mind for that before it happened, because we were shocking. So it was like we kind of treated it like we were married anyway, So then it was like we got married and it just kinda that was what it was.

But except we just tried to do things more Christ like, because then we were really trying to do it, right? So that’s what it is, very s. So don’t be like Toyota. Don’t be like don’t because we had to pay for that man. It was a lot. I think, you know, with us, we’re on board with a lot of stuff we don’t know. We just seem to just be chill, you know, we don’t It’s not, uh this is my way or no way. We’re just pretty chill, so I don’t know.

I guess that’s not us there. So Hey, let me ask you toy it. You got shocked. Did you ever have a honeymoon face? Was there a honeymoon face? You lose that? No, we didn’t. Oh, man. Ahmad. And let’s go back to the honey. And where did we even go on a honeymoon? You didn’t even ask me that. Jason E. Guess. Yes. They’re hard to have a honeymoon phase with. Why would you take you on a honeymoon? Exactly. Exactly. You want the whole dream? Do it right. Don’t let him in your bed. Exactly.

All right, The last one, the end in ocean is neuroticism. Here’s what That is basically how emotionally stable you are. This is about to get good eso If you’re high in neuroticism, you tend to have mood swings and could be temperamental. If you’re low, your mood is relatively stable. Live life on even keel. That’s neuroticism. So what they discover is that husbands had a slight increase in emotional stability. Uh, women had a greater increase in emotional stability because women generally report higher levels of neuroticism ie emotional instability than men.

So to me, it seems like the commitment in marriage had a positive effect because the women now married these men who are a little more emotionally stable, and it helps stable stabilize them out. So what you think Toya as a woman who is often emotionally unstable? What are your thoughts? Well, you all have heard my husband get on here and speak, so you know that he is a very deep person. Eso When we first met, it was like Wow, like shoe. Let me. I gotta focus. I got to really pay attention when he’s speaking, you know, it’s so over the years, it certainly grounded me.

So now I can actually have a conversation. It’s weird because he would try to ask me questions about movies or just have conversations about anything. And my answer was, I don’t know. I don’t know, you know what you’re going really deep, like? I don’t know. I don’t know. Hold on. Let me get a source. Was a middle word E Oh, yeah. I had to learn and just be like, man, he’s not asking for a lot. So but yeah, So I had to kind of Come on, you know that the boy was on the hall of the honors door.

My gardener, You know eso Exactly. Yeah, well, I mean, you met Lisa. Yeah, pretty even even killed has not been much of a change. Their good, because I’m even killed two. So So, anyway, that was That was what research found in those different categories and how people change. But, you know, with let’s let’s talk Christianity. So let’s let’s talk what should happen in marriage if you’re a Christian. First of all, I think that there is no better assistant to your sanctification process than this thing called marriage. Right?

So if you’re a Christian, God has promised to continue to mold you into the image of his son Jesus s. I think marriage is one of those relationships that you don’t get to run from it. It will shine a mirror in your face and expose all of your inner issues. Eso I always I always tell couples I said one of the guarantees and marriage is you get a front row seat to your spouse’s sanctification process and they’ll be a part of the process of yours. So e think you can’t if you’re going in tow biblical marriage, it has to change you.

This is the only relationship which you are making a covenant commitment. Well, yeah, I’m gonna make it easy for somebody because really, what? We’re talking on the Christian basis here. If you’re a Christian and you’re you’re not changing in a positive way with your marriage and there’s something wrong with the relationship with you and Christ, right? So you’re not under the sanctification. You’re not doing anything to grow spiritually. It’s impossible to be growing in Christ and not in your marriage. That’s just a overflow. So get a straight.

I think it was Gary Thomas. I think, in the Sacred Marriage Book was one of the first guys to kind of say what if marriage was to make you holy not happy kind idea. And I think that’s part of it, because if you just if you just think about the idea of a covenant, right? So there’s no escape clause. You’re in it. You got to figure it out no matter what and when you step into it, man, I mean, you’re talking. You start throwing out words like submission, like sacrifice.

Like serving. Um, that that’s going to change you. If you really commit all into that on. And you know, so think about your marriage is just personally what is maybe one of the biggest areas of of selfishness or unq rice likeness that has been molded and shaped and chiseled in your marriage. Let’s all do one. Let’s do our well. I mean, like, for me. I think it was because I I grew up with, you know what? If Mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy type of things. So you just kind of ignore it and everybody submits to Mama.

Yeah, So this lead instead of, you know, instead of the dialogue instead of working things out and growing together, Um, you know, that was that was something I had thio overcome. Basically, as a as a newly married man is not not carry that mentality in the relationship that makes sense for me. It was always If you want something done right, do it yourself and really, And you need it done your way because your way is the right way. And so I had to really try to back up and just be like, No, you know, I’m married.

I’m not just by myself and, you know, and just submit, you know, and be able to allow a model in and let go some, you know? Yeah, I think for me it’s just the what it takes to actually sacrifice. So I think you know, I was talking about that. You know, from a Christian perspective, the husband is the head of the home. And so does that mean everybody serves? You know, that means you’re the first to sacrifice your the first to serve your the first do all that stuff.

So I think sometimes at the end of the day, when you have no energy and you’ve been given given everywhere else in the world and you come home and then on top of that now you’ve got to be the guy that sacrifices your time and energy for your kids, for your spouse, for all that stuff. So at some point, sometimes you just get tired near like it. It ain’t fair. Like, who’s gonna Why don’t I have not have to be the stable one. Why don’t I not have to be the voice of reason?

Why don’t I do not have to do the extra homework or the I gotta go take care of the lawn. I gotta go fix. I mean, you just at some point, you go. So I think that having to sacrifice and just go do it, it ain’t even about me. More sacrifice and stuff. Yeah, well, thank you all for joining us today and for any questions and those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com You ain’t changing. You ain’t married. Oh, I fight.

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