[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Find Your Relationship Rhythm (Episode #36)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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Hey, what’s up, y’all? This is the relation shop where we analyze pop culture to give you relationship advice. That works. I’m Toya. And in here I have Jason and Eric. Yeah, we owe for any questions. Please send them into the relation shop at Power 77 Radio a doctor. First time e had to take my time and think about it. But I got it. You got my G stuff for us today. Alright. In the ground? Yeah. So I asked a question not too long ago. And I said, What’s the best dating advice you would give your current or future child?

So don’t do it. Don’t do it. I don’t trust them. Guys were shady that tell my girls arrestable shady there in the church. So, Jason, what do you have to say? Hey, that, Like I said, don’t do what I did. That’s my I mean, I got what I say. I got what? I got married at 19 years old. So you want my advice? Don’t Don’t do that. We don’t know who. What did you get on? All right, so here, let me read one of the comments. So it is from X o dot day nab d a n a b and she said, agreed with everyone above.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite, so I will convene that. Did I say that right? E French? A cab. You’re gonna make my dad show a house again. Man, It’s like caviar. Okay, Caviar. I am so sorry, y’all. So I will caveat that all of this is not what I did. I had to learn the hard way. However, I wish someone would have told me these things. Number one have a relation with God. First, it’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship because it’s the first time you’ve had these kind of feelings.

It feels good to be in love. And you may want to spend all your time being around that person. If you’re not careful, the relationship of person you’re in a relationship with can become an idol in your life. If you have a personal relationship with God and keep that first, everything else should be able to discern number to remember until yeah, number two e s get eso Remember until you are married. Your significant other is your brother or sister in Christ treat them as such. Don’t play with their emotions and don’t overstep physical boundaries that are meant for marriage.

People are too selfish to heed that. But that’s pretty good outside of her, using the word caveat in the wrong context. That’s a pretty good advice, E. Like it. It is. Good advice. I learned a new work on me and me over here. I’ve heard the word. You know what I guess I never actually saw gave a Yeah, that’s coming from the guy, huh? Yeah. That word. Yeah, yeah, so that’s really good. So May is pretty good. But I would say I would say, Listen, if you’re on the front end dating, here’s what I would tell people.

Now make sure that your possible future spouse is somebody who is in community. We already know that and make sure that they just have a heart to serve people. So observe them. Are they willing to serve people who can’t do anything for you? That’s gonna tell you a lot about what they do for you. And they don’t like you. Take your time and don’t rush it. That’s what I see most of these. A Russian to stuff too quick and you know that That’s gonna You don’t know anybody until you already in it.

So yeah, just 40 says fools rush in. They might be Oh, yeah, that’s good stuff. All right, So if you all have any questions or any comments, please send those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com and Eric what toys? Two for two on that. Hey, if you need extra relationship advice, you might want to check out a little YouTube channel called Relation Shots. Shotts got some good advice on there for you. So you’re not gonna talk about today? I’m gonna talk about how do you find your rhythm as a couple today?

How do you find your relationship rhythm? This is important because here’s what the quote experts say. Three experts say that it takes most couples 8 to 12 years to find a good rhythm for their relationship. And as you know, the stats are the majority of divorces take place in the first seven years. The seven year itch on. We do have somebody on the show that just recently celebrated a seven year anniversary on I’m here E Here you are so dedicated to the I guess the nerves of the relationship that instead of it’s been a great seven years.

You know, we’re going, We’re going, Yeah, we’re going good. It’s all this. It’s all that YouTube channel stuff I’m getting. Yeah, eso How do we find our rhythm? We gotta find our rhythm so that we don’t decide a man. We’re just not a good fit And we back out of this thing So that’s the question today. How do we find our relationship Rhythm? Well, and I know we always bring up this pop culture stuff. It’s faras 90 day fiance man. It’s tough to find some some examples and that shows as getting your rhythm right Find a rhythm in 1990 days.

Exactly, because I’m like Eric is talking about 8 to 12 years. I’m like, damn! Do they even think about giving themselves up that they think that far ahead so that so Michael, people regular people don’t. So my examples you got to go with the expert, their past the cow right pastor callin that last show, you remember when what’s his is Brandon Brandon with his bad attitude and talking about what I travel. I’m busy at work all the time and he pops up with travel out of time. But he’s got that balance, obviously, with Mary 1st, 1st is the traveling dude.

The one was kind of longer. Yeah, that z No, not I’m about to say, Zach. It’s the blonde guy. Yeah, the blonde guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot their names. E o The only ones that actually Oh, there to normal. We don’t remember trying to fit into the relevant. Have no idea what you’re talking about. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, but remember Jamie and Doug on the first? Very first. Like weeping in the hallway. And I want to do this. Have you seen them? Now, have you followed in there?

They’re still married, and she is pregnant with a second baby, and they actually, you know, do some marital advice. So they obviously found their rhythm, you know? So it’s probably been I don’t know how long it’s been for them, but obviously long enough to find their rhythm. So, yeah, I have some good examples in there. We do. We do. So I mean, I don’t know. I hope that we get some more couples. But you see, Eric, I think that, like, two of the couples from the first episode are still together.

S O. C. You talk, you talk MEREDITH first. You know, I never saw that. I just saw this some of this last one. So I did see some of their final, like decision on how they decided to Mayor s. So that’s why I was asking Because it seemed like that one couple where she was concerned about his travel. Maybe. Yeah, but they had a good They decided to stay together. Justin and I was like, they Yeah, some of those couples resolved so big stuff quickly. Yeah, and we’ll see if it lasts.

But I’m anxious to see what you come up with. Yeah, Come up with all kinds of crap yourself full sometimes on Jason. Did you have something for You know, I dio let me let me give you something that actually works. I mean, you could listen Thio to our expert over here. The counselor. So these are some top five questions that might help you find your rhythm If you’re looking for your rhythm Five top five question. First of all, you gotta know your spouse’s emotion. So question you might ask is what can I do to take weight off of you, right?

I mean, like, stress and things. You know, when my wife is stressed and so that’s the question. What can I do that? Listen, I give you a lot of crap. Yeah, you dio that might be right there. That might be just if you’re going down in relationship history. I think what you just heard was the single greatest top five of anything bubbles has ever done. I’m telling you that question right now, right there will change relationships. You regularly ask your spouse what’s one or two things I could do right now that would take the most weight off your shoulders would relieve you the most trust because it’s gonna be different depending on the different seasons of life is different when you have no kids.

It’s different when kids are little. It’s different when kids are in middle school is different when kids are in high school. So that question do you should Honestly, I know you’ve got four more. I should say that almost I would almost I don’t steal your thunder Almost tell you thio whole. I’ll go back to that. You could finish with that. One would be saying eso socially. As you kind of grow on marriage, things get different. Things like to stay home. Something like to go out. So the simple one is just kind of asked the simple question.

What do you like to do for fun? What do you consider fun? So that was a light hearted was more of the light hardwood. What would be a fun date for you? Yeah, exactly. Uh, eso goals are a big thing, So know each other’s go. So a big question. Maybe, you know, where do you see us heading? And not only that is how do you think we should get there? How do you see us getting there? Yeah, right. All right, all right. Do you have the Oh me on our past show YouTube?

Subscribe the YouTube works. I’m gonna send an invoice, Talisa, because just spending time with me on this podcast is helping you. Is there a little narcissism going on here? What? It’s all because of me. This play I got you. Alright. So here’s the fourth one. Alright. So no, you’re others financially or your spouse or whatever their financial thoughts. All right, so here’s a big question. Alright, What have we done financially that causes you stress? E might be a spender. You might not be. And they might not be charming up, but obviously finances concluded.

So what? My another follow up question is is what? What gives you security in the realm of finances? Well, what would be some of the goals around there? That’s a good There you go. Alright. So saving this and last number five. Here we go. Scheduling. Know how your schedule affects affects the other person. All right, so here’s the question you asked. Does our schedule separate us? Our unite us? All right, E o c. All right, so they get and then get some more specifics, right? If they say separate, then are there aspects of your schedule that you can change versus aspect?

You can’t change. Your boss tells you to go on the road. You can’t change that. But are there different things you can do? What do you in control of at the end of the day? What could change? Because I think if I’d have said that at a season in my marriage, My wife would have been like You’re gone all the time. That affects us. Let me see what I’m in control of one. Ugo. That’s good. I mean, 42 through five, we’re not as good as one, but they were solid.

But again, I know what I’ll take that I proclaim that number one was your best of all time. So it’s all downhill from there. But I’m gonna remember that one. In fact, I’m gonna make a note remind here on just to remind people if they’ve already forgotten it is what are one or two things I could do in this season to lighten your load or take some stress off If you ask that question like once a week, once a month to your spouse Oh, my gosh, They’re gonna love you. Absolutely.

E s. So let’s talk about we identified just for the sake of discussion today, four kind of categories or areas of relationship where you may need to find rhythm. And so I’m gonna throw him out there, and then I want us to unpack them and talk about how we’ve done this in our own marriages. If That’s cool. You’re gonna have to get transparent here. And if your dad shows up, it is what it is. So a. There is a focus, our schedules that’s important when we’re finding rhythm, our goals, our finances and then intimacy.

When I say intimacy, I don’t just mean sex. I’m talking about emotional, intellectual, recreational, spiritual and physical, of course, so schedules, goals, finances and intimacy. Let’s talk about schedules. What does it look like for you guys in? And I’d say, Pick a season of your life where maybe there was a transition or something. What does it look like to find either a new rhythm or find a rhythm in the area of schedules? You want this one for sure. So for us, from 2014 to 2017 I was a stay at home.

Mom and Ahmad worked, and then the summer or towards the end of the year, 2017 we switched on, and that was we had a conversation, you know, he had been doing the ministry part time, and I was like, No, it’s time to do it full time. Let me go back to work. So that was kind of conversation. We had and we had to transition then for me working full time and him doing the ministry full time and watching prints and doing all that other kind of stuff, like really doing all of that.

Um And so it was just it was it took it didn’t take too long for us to transition. It was just more of. And the cool thing is, he’s aware of my needs, naturally. Like, he knows that if I could come home and he’s preparing dinner or at least knows what dinner is gonna be then that helps me out a lot. You know, he cleans. Got spaghetti on the stove. You know, uh, baby, hey, but he knows how to do. Forget it now, or if he hasn’t started cooking, then at least the kitchen is clean so that when I come home, I could start cooking.

And I don’t worry about clean the kitchen. So, like a little things like, yeah, those little things. And also, you know, just making sure that you know you want to kind of tell everybody because you’re so excited about what you’re about to do for God and to be able to do it full time, you know? So I’m excited cause I could support him. But also, we also have to be aware because our walking that season is looking totally different than other people. You know, where other people the husband is working and the wife is home or whatever, but because we were opposite at this point, then it was like, Okay, we we knew we had to be ready for people to come and say, How are you really feeling?

Toya? Are you really okay with that? Are you sure? Are you sure that you know, And it’s like I just have to remember Why are we doing this? We’re doing it for God. This is what it is. And let’s stay focused on the vision that God has given us and everybody is doing their own thing. But we have to stay focused on where God has us. It’s good. So so get out of comparison with other couples. Now it’s good to learn from other couples. You can always, but sometimes we compare ourselves to other couples who have different goals and different season of life.

Don’t have some of the same stuff we do so as long as he says, Baby, I’ve had a Ragu on the stove all day. Take off your shoes and relax. I got that’s big. What about you? J You know what I mean? You said the experts, 8 to 10 years, we’re only seven. But we got some seasons because our first season, you know she’s at home. The kids are a little young girl, this stuff and there’s some actually some financial things going on in a new relationship. That was She saw the stress, right?

So as the kids got older, uh, kind of doing their own thing now college, high school, things like that. That’s when you know she’s like I I think I’m gonna start working for you, which took the pressure off of May, uh, took some pressure where she she’s actually contributing, you know, finances and things like that. So just that transition kind of going back to that first question their she saw my stress bond and, you know, not only asked, what can I do, but but took the steps Thio Thio actually follow through with that.

Take some heat off of me. So e appreciate that, baby. Yeah, let’s go. The anniversary shout out Dio, Jason’s gonna keep anniversary, shouting out for like two months. Now it’s our it’s May. It’s our anniversary anniversary, June. It’s another anniversary. You got to celebrate. Yeah, you know, there’ve been different seasons of schedules. When the kids were young, it required one set of schedules for us. I spent a lot of time helping with bath time bedtime when our kids got in the, you know, school age than I shifted spent Mawr energy in the mornings, trying to get him up and ready for school as they got older into high school.

I spend more time again back in the evening because they could get themselves up, but with homework, get them Thio. So for us, it’s been just trying to figure out the answer to the question you threw out earlier. Which is what do you and when do you need me most? And then trying to balance that with ministry, which is all consuming, which requires a lot of evening meetings and that kind of stuff? And so I’ve read a book years ago from pastor North Point Church, Andy Stanley called choosing to Cheek, and he talked about one of the seasons when you basically cheat work in order to be home and present with the family.

Onda, how does that shift depending on when your family needs you? So not choosing to cheat in your marriage Our shoes cheat work are scheduling Obviously changed when she went to work for me, right? Yeah. We’ve been able to yeah, together all the time in which is great but we, you know, work I give her her space she gives us gives me mind So that’s what we as faras balancing that out. She does her job. I do mine And then we got When we get home, it’s is where the family it z relationship change.

So that’s how we kind of bad. So we need to address our schedules and get on the same page and help each other depending on the season of life, right? The next idea or focuses Go. Wait. Let me interrupt you real quick. I got one more thing to say. So one morning I woke up a little bit late for work and I had not iron my scrubs. I did not iron my scrubs this morning. I mean, the night before and so I just tapped Ahmad. And I was just like, would you like an opportunity to serve me this morning?

Hey, thought he was getting sex. E hey was like and he just said, What do you need? And then I said, Can you iron my scrubs? And then he’s like, of course, and I love the way you asked me. I mean, did Ahmad try that later that night? E o e. Just wanna throw that in there, just in case you need something. Just watch how you ask an opportunity. Well done. Well played. All right. So let’s talk about goals, goals, another area that help you find a rhythm.

And the question really is Do you guys have the same goal on and what’s the way we get there? And so if you’ve never had a goals discussion in your relationship, you need to have that and it needs to be something regular because they’re gonna change. Some people recommend doing Ah ah, yearly vision, retreat with your spouse or or even you could do that at home on the quarterly basis or whatever, but what are our goals and where we headed? So when you’re talking goals were you talking family goals?

You’re talking financial goals, talking all the above, but everything Yeah. I mean, you don’t have same goals and the goals are obviously gonna change this season s So you gotta have those discussions and our goals as we’re getting older. I’m gonna want throw that out. But, you know, we are getting into our 50 people. Yeah, they know. So yeah. I mean, the goal is obviously changed now. The kids ago and we were talking about that the other What does that look like? Long term as’s faras. What? We’re gonna Are we going to downsize houses?

Are we going thio traveling? Absolutely. You know, we’re doing that. Absolutely. We already got Yeah, So that’s and we did. I mean, Syria. We do talk about that. The travel what our future looks like Prison ministry were doing turning that up a notch, you know? And so absolutely remember I tried to squeeze in on your Facebook vacation. You always Yes. So that you were inviting your wife invited myself, right? And how you manage your wife Coming. This is awkward. A little awkward. Like I can invite her if you want.

If you think the three of us will be weird Might be a little weird. Alright, todo eso toy. How did you guys get on the same page with goals? Man, Like y’all said, it’s all about the season you’re in and the season we’re in right now is literally day by day, you know, like you know, with everything going on here in the state of the radio station and then also with my job and then being, you know, in quarantine. So it’s just like, honestly, every day it’s like, Let’s just try not to eat out.

Uh huh. Let’s try. Let’s let’s try to eat in the house and really try to stay on spending time with Prince. So we wanna be really intentional with him. And then we both have our personal time after 8 30 when he goes to bed. So that’s kind of its simple at this point right now, But that’s kind of the season we’re in, which is a good point. I mean, you you talking about seasons. I mean, these girls have to be a little bit flexible, some little flexibility, because this season wearing now nobody saw coming, right.

So now all of sudden where goals have to change a little bit. Yeah, that’s that’s a great point right there that you have something like a virus. Step in and change everything. Everything you could set new goals. Or you could be like Blockbuster. Yeah, that’s right. Exactly. Right block. Who exactly so schedules goals. Ah, third area to help find your relationship. Rhythm is finances. E think that’s one of things lots of couples fight about and they have different ways of spending and goals pertains to This is well, but where you guys trying to get?

Do you want debt gone by a certain time? Do you want money put away for kids for school? What are you trying to do and what season financially? And you know Dave Ramsey always says, If you don’t have a budget where you tell your money, where to go, it just it disappears, right? And so there’s gotta be intentionality with that. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that’s obviously that’s that goes with you know, when kids are a certain age. Obviously, most of your money goes to kids and homes and stuff, so it’s harder to save and all that, but so that’s why it’s big, too.

To talk about those financial goals like that is there is coming a time where the kids are gonna be gone. And, you know, you don’t wanna be like you see a lot cash. I mean, I feel bad when I go into Walmart and see the 90 year old guy greet. May you know these financial. You’re just doing that for fun. That ain’t funny. How is that fun? Because these guys have been sitting at home by themselves. I’m convinced some of some of them may have to do it for financial.

I think some of them just love getting out. Yeah, Walmart wouldn’t be my love getting out spot. That’s like the best outside of, like amusement parks. That’s the best people watching place in the world. A Walmart just to people watch right through their Ugo living there. What do you got to you? So right now for us, with money, it’s really just I don’t know. I think we’re being more intentional with how we are giving and we’re being intentional with not spending but being home as much as we are right now.

I tell you, Amazon Oh, Amazon, They always have something for me, and I’m like, I’m not today, Not today. So honestly, it’s We’re really just trying to hold on and just and you brought up a good you brought up good there because giving you know what most people think about giving when you’re talking about financial goals, it’s all about what we save, where we’re going in the future for retirement, all that kind of stuff. But giving is a big part of that. You better be on the same page there because that’s that.

Have you seen that in your office? Where? Where you have one? That’s a giver, one that doesn’t like toe turn away money e could see that creating problem tithing. That’s some of that big fight people like Ugo. That’s a good point. That’s old covenant. We don’t have time to get into all that. Another show, All right, so schedules, goals, finances. Last one is to find your relationship rhythm. You gotta have a good rhythm and get on the same page around intimacy. And so I mean emotional intimacy, physical or sexual intimacy.

If you’re a person of faith, spiritual intimacy and then recreational doing stuff together, how do you find a good rhythm where you know what the other person requires? Jason mentioned, that has mentioned that before, about how do you figure out what the other person needs emotionally and meet him in that. But how do you find your rhythm in this area? Well, I mean, that’s again this season, like we’ve been saying the seasons Air big. So when the kids were small, like what we did is, you know, we went to the grocery store together things like that because it’s a little bit harder to just go out on date nights and stuff like that when you got kids.

So just being together during those times. But fast forward to today, like right now. Obviously, it’s the anniversary. So where do you go? You can’t go anywhere, So just finding that time. So we went and did our curbside, But we found, like the Adriatic and McKinney lake to just parked by and sit out in the jeep and have our you know. So so you gotta get creative in that a little bit too. But just being down the back seat, turn on some very white, very white way.

Don’t do Barry What z o limp biscuit. That’s like the oh uncle when it’s the wife. I got to go to Bon Jovi or somewhere living on a prayer over there. Uh, always always on a steel horse. Jason rides. But I would say we had a lot of conversations. So, you know, we had toe learn what each other likes. And, you know, I’m I love movies and Ahmad loves like he loves, like going to the bars and conversation, you know? And so it’s like we have to kind of put those two together and just kind of do the best that we can.

But right now, hey, man is my time. We can’t go to the bar, but what we can do is sit on the couch and watch TV. E way, watch movies. And then we have. But but for him, we actually have conversations about it, and we, like, really, like, talk about these things. So, you know, I feel like it’s good. It’s good. That is good. No, I think you have to be intentional is the key. So I’ve even got on on my website on my altered marriage website.

That’s L t. A. R E d altered marriage dot com. There’s a have a little free guide intimacy and so it covers emotional, spiritual, physical on recreational. And it just kind of forces you to come up with a plan like hey, on Monday nights at seven, we’re gonna do walk together there on Tuesdays and Thursdays at eight. For 20 minutes we’re gonna connect or whatever, but so apartments just being intentional and saying, Hey, this is important for our relationship. We need to find a rhythm in this season that works for us.

And for some people, maybe you’ve got young kids after the kids get in bed is your only time. Because ultimately what you’re creating is is a habit where maybe awkward it for Okay, seven o’clock, we schedule This feels e exactly. But creating habits over time basically what you’re saying, e think intentional is the new chemistry. Get this chemistry crap out of here. You’re intentional and you prioritize healthy relationships. So on. I think compromise is a big piece in all this. So there are some areas where we get stuck and can’t find a rhythm because I think a and my wife thinks be on and we don’t want to compromise.

But for sometimes there’s one of you has. It’s a bigger deal. If that makes sense, like, I’ll just give you a short. This is a little fluff example, but it’s the first one that came to mind, like getting to the airport at a certain time for a trip. My wife likes to get their way early, because if we’re late and stressed and we’re standing the line you’re worried about, are we gonna make it through that kind of unravels or day now? She gonna be stressed and not feel good and all that kind of stuff.

And me, I’m like, Let’s just wing it. There’s always another flight eso in that one. I could fight her all the time on that rhythm and go, No, that’s stupid. We’ll need to get there, but it’s really not. It’s a bigger deal for her to be late than it is a big deal for me to have to get there early. Well, you just lost your chance to travel with us, man. You can’t be the threesome now because I can’t. I’m with her. You got to get there early, but I just said I go early for her.

You wouldn’t for me. That’s what I’m saying. You’re out. You can’t go into trance just now, man. E, I thought she was coming now. Oh, yeah. Okay. Good. Saw the she saw the stuff on Facebook. So I think that that area okay, but my point is, if you analyze an area and it’s a way bigger deal for one than the other, that’s a great place to compromise and say this causes you more stress to do your side than it does me to do not have my side.

So I’m gonna slide your way Finder and I have another example on that. So for us, I feel like, you know, we we sometimes we do okay with our tardiness, but a lot of the times we are little tardy. And when it’s all three of us going somewhere, it’s more than likely because of Ahmad. And I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there. But sometimes, like, if we like for here coming here, for instance, it’s like a 30 minute drive, right? So if we if we leave 30 minutes prior, then out Ahmad, he can drive.

But if we leave 35 minutes after the hour, then he already knows I am gonna drive because I’m gonna be huffing and puffing the whole drive because he’s in his mind. He’s not focused. He’s going behind the slow people. And But if I drive, I’m in control and I’m like, OK, I could get there faster So it kind of reminds me of jail. So, you know, it’s just like you feel. Let me drive. So I feel like I can get us there faster because we’re already late, you know, they’re in. Anyway.

That’s my find your relationship. Rhythm schedules, goals, finances, intimacy. Thank you all so much for joining us today if you all have any questions in those into the relation shop at Power 77 Radio Audio

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