[THE RELATIONSHOP] What to Do When Your Husband Won’t Lead (Episode #35)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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thing is the relationship where we analyze pop culture to give you relationship advice. That works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. And here, you know what? Hey! And for any questions, please send those into power. Seven Note to the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com Uh, Jason, we got a question. We do have a question. This one’s coming from J. He is all the way in little em. All right, Jay, what’s up? Relation? Shop? I really love your show. And I know you’re gonna laugh at me with this question, but here it goes.

Hey, kid, brother, I do that all the time. Show. All right, all right. Alright. Met a girl. Oh, Facebook Through a friend of mine. Who? I’m also following on Facebook now with social distancing. What advice would you give me on our first date? Which will be on facetime e? I met a girl on Facebook through a friend on Facebook. Right and face time for the first day. That oughta go. We’re not spending much money. That’s a good s my question tell. I mean, we don’t have enough info here.

I’m like, Are you all gonna be eating during FaceTime video like but maybe not. So what I would suggest is how about have something in mind? Like a game with questions, something fun where you can kind of get to know each other, like, be intentional with it and still have fun. Yeah, So here’s what I dio I would order. We got plenty of people out there that are driving around delivering food so your person grubhub uber eats whatever you want and order some food to her and the same food to you.

So you guys are eating the same thing and you can see each other. So it’s like you’re having dinner and then I like toys. Idea of have some fun questions or something like that. Or if you want to play a game, also deliver a battleship or something to their door and your door and you could play a game of battleship or check e with. Just have some fun. You know? The point is you’re engaging in something together. Ugo. Can he deliver flowers? Can e don’t know flowers too much for the first.

For the first day. That may be a little more. I don’t even know if he knows if she likes flowers. But my thing is they I mean, this isn’t like a blind. Well, it is kind of like a blind date, but I’m sure that they text some on the computer before this date, I assume I don’t know, go from Flower. Here’s what he could Dio He could ask the friend that he found the friend through the friend. If they like flowers e something like that. Yeah. There you go.

There you go. There’s your first virtual date. That is so cool. So alright again. If you all have any questions, send those into the relation shop. And that s H O P at power 77 radio dot com And Eric, what are we going to get into today? I’ll tell you what we’re going to get into. And And I don’t want the guys to do now, because when I hear the title, the guy’s gonna go up there sitting for me. This is gonna help you guys if you’re in a marriage.

And so the topic is what to do when your husband doesn’t lead. What do you do when your husband doesn’t lead? So you get the women that just perked up? Well, yeah. And so if you’re a guy, this is good for you. Because maybe this is not natural for you to leader. Maybe your spouse has said this to you, Your girlfriend. So don’t tune out if you’re a guy. Women were gonna hook you up. A guys were hooking you up to what to do when your husband doesn’t lead a lot.

Like all those shows you guys watch. E. It’s hard to lead when you’re 22 year old African dude dating a 79 year old white e. I don’t even know what you do with that. What do you do? Just lead her to take our vitamins every day. And you said next whatever they you know. Oh, man. So that gets me thinking about 90 day, 90 days before the 90 days? Yes, eso we have speaking of our African friend Mr Boozman or his stage name. So joy do all Nigerians refer to women and baby love e Seems like, I guess, being directed White women who just yell at him.

Try my wife the other day she said, Please don’t say that. Hey, baby e Did you feel it? Get that? Yeah. So Newsman and Lisa. So you know, he wrote the song about her and you know, she’s She’s been kind of controlling with social media, which I understand. Is that what you’re saying? Well, okay, but he’s like he’s in his twenties, right? Or is he in the thirties? I can’t remember, but she’s in her fifties, right? And eso. She’s been trying Thio control him from America with his social media, which I get it.

She is in a totally different country, so I totally get that. But now she’s in Africa and she’s still talking to him a certain type of way and treat them a certain kind of way. It’s a little much she is, she is. And did you see the way that she was mean mugging his mom? What she dio just the hard stare and just the way she was. Don’t never mean mugging Jerian Mama s O. But he is really trying. And he is going so against his culture with her, with the way that she talks to him and all that.

You know, that’s not the way it’s done. Well, she did phenomenon come on, man. Because these Nigerian, your dudes or decent looking dudes and they seem like they got, like, regular friends and regular people. Why are you finding a 60 year old like rode hard and put away wet white woman with You? Don’t know that toy. Jason does his country. We’re talking about a horse that you ride too hard. It starts sweating, You put it, you gotta clean it on, put it away. We’ll explain that you they’ve lived a rough life. Maybe.

Maybe that’s another way. They look like they lived a rough like the same thing, rode hard and put away. We’ll get to that question why he does that. He actually did that. I think in the last episode when he said the economy and the opportunity is good in America. That’s why he’s doing. They’re trying to get to America. I’m saying they could find a lonely, younger woman in America. They would bite to too much. Yeah, but the older woman might well have more money and as well as our shoot.

But the older women have more money. They will send it over that one. The big white woman is like broke. She had no money, but they make away they make away a younger woman might be like. Forget that. That’s true. E don’t know. Now they’re just dating. But, I mean, you know, we’re talking about day. We also got to get to the people who are actually married. So you got to go with married at first Sight way just ended their right. We just did the reveal all our decision day or whatever.

Michael and Mika, that boy couldn’t lead his way out of a paper sack. Can’t do nothing. Which one see Michael Amica? They’re the ones that he was raised by his mom and his grandma. Is he the one that was lying or see the one with always like that. The other one had anxiety, right? I mean, he never carries on a conversation. She’s always the one bringing up stuff, and he just sits there. Quiet drives me. Does he? Did they stay married? No, he wanted Thio. He wanted me.

Oh, yeah, they call that one. Quit. So yeah, this boy’s got a lot to learn about lead. So you’re saying that he didn’t know how to lead because he didn’t have a dad around. I mean, that’s probably part of it. And I think today if the boy would listen, brother e over there is going to set him straight on how to lead. I don’t know. I mean, you just said he lies all the time, So that’s something right there. You allow somebody to lead you that you don’t trust because they’re dishonest. Exactly.

That was her. That’s why she decided not to stay married because she actually did struggle with him being a nice person. But there’s the honesty in the end that she couldn’t get over which I get it. That brings up a good point. You know, sometimes they talk about in marriages that they’re, you know, destroyed by some big lie rights. Um, big deception. They stepped out on the marriage or something like that. A lot of marriages are ultimately destroyed by a bunch of little failures, like just not keeping your word.

I said I’d get the sink fixed by Friday, and I never did. Or I said I’d do something. I just so a lot of marriages, the trustee roads, not because of something big or some big lie, but just over time, not keeping your word, Not following through all those kind of things. Well, in this case, it was. The bad thing about him is his instinct was to tell a lie, right? Just first reaction was toe like that probably comes from somewhere. Did he ever find any inside Just where it comes from.

They talked about it that he was bullied. He didn’t have friends. So we always had the lie to think before for people to like him. So he carried that Don’t absolutely owe him show. Hey. Hey, everybody. Its non empathetic e him. Toya’s never had anything. Todo hey was feeling bad on the show. He was lying about that. I feel like he always went to it as an excuse. And I think because remember, this is not his ex girlfriend set him up on the show. So that lets you know these air, not new problems that he didn’t know about.

So why did he work on himself? Because people don’t know it. Listen, you and I know people that we would say have a great relationship with God or great people. But they have an aspect of their life. Where when that wounded scratch they behave in ways that doesn’t seem godly or right, It doesn’t seem like a bad guy. Listen, wounded this will cause you act in ways that are contrary to what you say You believe I’m just saying that we owe always back here, but this one don’t be Oh, cold hard, you know?

Okay, at first I really did feel bad for him, but I guess I just felt so bad for Mika because I could tell she was really, really, really like she gave it a full eight weeks try. And this dude lied to her every week, like every week. And then it wasn’t until the experts came that he would actually admit his lie and say, Okay, I’m gonna do better, do better. And as soon as they would leave, he’s like, right back again. I mean, he didn’t even It’s like I don’t even know if he even liked her, you know, because he’s so stuck in all his life, so I don’t know.

I guess he’s just that far gone. But it just irritated me because she couldn’t be her happy self or excited about her life. We we got to see a ugly side of Mika because she had to go home to him, so she got a short stick. You know, all I know is I’m not sharing any of my weaknesses with the Oh, we’re both sitting over here. Quiet. Yeah. No, I’m good. I’m nothing over here. Thio, Uh So what? We’re doing this topic. What do you do when your husband isn’t leading the way that you want to dio?

That’s that’s what we’re trying to answer, which you gotta back up and figure out early on, there’s gotta be some signs, right? There’s gotta be things showing up. I would imagine probably somewhere start. Yeah. So, actually, I was thinking of some actual red flags. Here’s some categories, so I just have, like, three eso. One is just that your spouse can’t make decisions or I guess we’re talking about the husband. So when you’re dating someone, it’s like, Do you see them making actual decisions and sticking to it?

Right? Where do you want e Don’t know where you wanna go? Well, that’s a bad decision. Making a decision. You’re not gonna make the right decision. Don’t matter. Make the wrong decision. Making a decision. You next one is asking parents for everything. So again, Hey, what I’m thinking about buying a new TV. I’m gonna call my mom on that and see what? Or and here’s another little piggy back on that, like whenever you’re in an argument or things that now I understand community is great. But if you always noticing your boyfriend going to his mom for everything, then it’s like, Come on, you know.

So then the other one is Number three. Can’t lead his own life, whether that’s personal or business. So again, is he looking at other people? Yeah, or is he kind of doing his own thing? That’s pretty good. I mean saying, Yeah, there’s no personal growth playing like they don’t regularly do things to grow themselves like, I don’t know, read or listen to podcast or a 10 seminars that help him. If if they’re not doing any of that, they probably can’t lead anybody else. That’s probably probably on. Those were good toy.

I mean, for a rookie list maker, those we Oh, she’s not top five. She see what I take everywhere her top three. So here’s some top fives you might wanna do. Red flag All right. So if you ask him a serious question, it’s, um, serious advice on and he turns and ask Siri. Hmm. Probably not a black. Be a red flag. This’ll one piggybacks off you and this number to hear this actually happened to my daughter. He calls his mom to make sure she doesn’t have dinner plans before he asked you.

Yeah, that’s what I said. Honey, what are you doing That I’m gonna call my mom quick. I’ll call you right back. Yeah, we’re talking about way we’re talking about in their twenties. You should wait number three moms a great cook way. The only way you trust him with money is you give them an allowance. Oh, yeah? If he can’t lead himself in his finances, have a budget that may cause some problems for you. Yeah, I got this one. This one. I thought of Eric all the way, man.

All right. You ask him a question and he shoots it. You because he’s about Thio. Run his next play on Madden. 20 Can’t pause the game right now. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There’s only two minutes left in the fourth. You’ll be fine just take a Band Aid on it. All right. Number five, number five. He burns the store but spaghetti sauce while trying to pass it off. Yeah, that’s the best one of s. Oh, if you’re wondering Well, that you just got busted for not listening to the last relationship you have.

Thio, Check that out. Yeah, I like you. Let that store bought sauce Simmer, baby. Things like, oh, day. Oh, so let’s address some topic. Let’s help. This helps people out. This is gonna help. Guys, if you’re trying to lead the relationship to maybe recognize why you may be struggling and women, if your husband or fiance is not leading, maybe this can help you. But I think at the end of the day, I’m the optimist. So I want to believe that the guys actually do want to lead.

Maybe they’re just struggling for for a reason. Not that they just really want to play video games That could care less about you. If that’s the case, you know, you shouldn’t be with them, but I believe we need to find what the root of their passivity is. And so I’ve got four categories. We’re gonna go through each of these. Here’s my four categories personality. That’s one of them. Uh, their past. What environment did they grow up in? That’s another their partner, That’s who are they currently in relationship with and then pain in their life.

I think all of those can impact their ability to leave or caused them to be passive. So personality past partner and payment made that into the four piece I could preach. Preach that churches open eso Let’s talk about personality. Naturally gifted. This is what you’ve been given in your DNA. Some people are better leaders, and some people are not better leaders. Okay, so talk about your disperse in ality or any a gram. Whatever you like. I think some people. So me, naturally, on any of those personality assessments, I never fall in the category of like the driver visionary, the leader.

That’s not my natural gifting. Uh, I’m the people guy on the life of the party. I’m the peacemaker. Let’s get along guy. And so just naturally, I’m not going to step into any relationship for environment and go. Everyone, follow me. I got this. Let’s go. So I have to grow through and pass that. What about you guys? So personality wise? Okay. Can there be a mixture of both? Because I feel like I might be a mixture of both. Have you ever taken a personality assessment? I don’t do that kind of stuff.

I leave that up to you, man. My God, I e You probably should probably should have no idea who you are. Maybe this is the problem. Who am I? I don’t know. The reason why I say that is because it if if there’s leading going on, I just kind of I’m not be a part of it, but I just kind of let it go. But when it needs to get done, I can’t just let it go. I gotta jump in there and take over and kind of do.

It s so that’s what I’m saying. Yeah. So Well, and I think some of its situational, right. As the husband and father in my household, I gotta leave. I don’t have a choice, but if But if I walk into a room of people and I’m looking around, I’m going to sit back and observe and watch people. I’m not gonna go. Hey, man, Why is everybody doing this? Let’s start a line over here. And if we do this, this will go natural. Born leaders were gonna, like show up at the gas station.

If the lines aren’t working quite right, they’ll get out of their car and be like, Hey, hold up on this one. You come over here s I think the could be that your husband, personality wise, is just not naturally bent towards leading. So they have to growing that. Okay, well, like okay, you know, I’m a small business owner and all this s b A loan stuff. I actually got it done, Got it in the works the day before it was going. I mean, jumping on it quick.

So that stuff, that’s the kind of stuff I can’t leave behind, I got, but some of that could just be related to detail and getting what’s done. What’s done? I’m not saying that’s why you need to take a personality test. But the point is that if your husband is not naturally bent towards leading, they’re gonna have to learn that they’re gonna have to grow in that you’re gonna have to give them grace as they figure that out. You need to get him around people that can teach them how to lead and some of that stuff.

But it may not be a lack of desire may just be That’s just not their natural bent. They don’t see that u t All right, well, we’re both leaders, so I’ve just had to learn to sit down and be quiet e louder and clear into the mic. Sit down and be alright. E had to learn how to be like Look, this is the man. It’s his house. Like of course I have Say don’t don’t get it twisted but I just had to learn toe let him be the man.

And but you put your way. My dad lives with Toyota Way Come from Dad. He doesn’t live there. He just came in to put in her place. Yeah, that’s it. So yeah, that’s easy. You ever taken a personality like yes. So what are you wearing? You don’t just pick one you’ve taken. What are you on? I’m taking all of them, but dispersant ality d I s C. D s. Domino was d and s. My Those were kind of contradictory ones, but it’s possible Maybe I know it was D for sure e a gram thing, but you don’t know number.

You are on the instagram. And what about the animal? One That’s that’s the line are going retriever beaver. That’s the same disk D is a lion Isa Otter s is the golden retriever sees the beaver Oh, no. Okay, I was the the D and the and the otter. I think you probably So maybe, uh, maybe Jay, on his first date on FaceTime needs Thio give his his his new girl. We don’t need to be Oh, he’s not trying. You’re trying to meet his wife trying to connect with some chick.

See, that’s too much on the first date. So anyway, let’s move on from that so personality That may be a reason why you need to figure out how doe I step into a leadership role if that’s not my natural tendency. If you’re the man and if you’re the woman like toys said you may be naturally a driver, but if you wanna make the marriage work, at times, you may need to step down to allow him to lead. Even if you think you see things better than him.

So number two the second I think root of passivity is past. How did they grow up? Did they grow up with a mother and father? Did they just grew up with a mother. What was the environment like? I know you got some thoughts on this one, Toil. Yeah. And I mean, going back to the show. Brandon, who has the anxiety, and Michael, who was adopted by his aunt like neither one of them had their dads in their lives. So it’s like neither one of them from their past.

They were raised by women, and so they didn’t have that example set, you know? So it was just a They’re used to being submissive to the women in their lives. Yeah, they’re used to being around them. Win Toya non empathetic toy. What do you call those men? And you have a hard time leading I call him a jelly bag. Yeah, yeah. Copyrighted hashtag e copyright, empathy, real life on the show today, E. But that’s huge. I mean, you, I mean, you, me, I obviously how that I did.

According to the way Eric’s going, my dad sounds pretty rough, but he was a pretty good guy. But one thing that, you know, you gotta step up and lead you a sissy over there. Yeah, went something like that. It was actually more like my boys, Walker and Ranger. Where did I fit into that? Alright, No, but what I’m saying And that is where he actually was, like, you know, just do whatever makes her happy. That’s kind of how he waas. And so there wasn’t a leadership thing that Hey, just like whatever makes Mom happy.

One piece. Exactly. I’m with the opposite of that. That’s a great lead into our third one, which is the partner. So sometimes you got women and say, Man, my man won’t lead because you don’t let him. You’re You’re a control freak on. You can’t handle the fact that he may not make the decision you make. And so you make it rough for or there’s some women. So think about this because some of you are going. No, I’m not like that. I don’t do Listen, if you ask a million questions every time he makes a decision that feels like criticism and it feels like you don’t think he has the qualities to make the right decision.

So he’s going to stop making decisions because he’s tired of the criticism he gets from you. Everything? Well, no, I’m just asking him questions for more. Okay, you know what? Lower your questions. Sometimes if it’s not a big deal, do what Toia said. Sit down and shut up. Let his decision. If it’s not going to impact the whole lot of people, it’s not gonna devastate the family. If he makes in your mind a wrong decision, let him make a decision, right? So that brings up a question in my mind.

Let’s go the opposite way. Let’s say the husband is kind of control freak dominate. What’s Where’s that balance between letting him lead and being a controlling, over dominating kind of thing? Where’s that balance? What do you find that balance? I think I would try to speak up. And if every time you speak up, it gets shut down. Now I’m gonna go back to what we always talk about. Where’s your community? Who else can you sit down with where she can say, I don’t feel like I have a voice Every time I say something he shuts it down.

And so but I think a lot of guys are not leading because their partner is critical of them. And listen, every guy wants validation and acceptance. If every decision he makes feels like you, second guess it at some point is just gonna be like, you know, whatever you want. Like I’m tired of sticking my neck out and getting kicked in the teeth. And that’s why you went through 50 guys for this show. And then I finally agreed, Right? Absolutely, absolutely. So our first three of personality passed, and the partner that can all be a root of them not leading the last one is paying.

So what about past relationships or even the family of origin growing up? Have they been criticized a lot in past relationships? Have they been told over and over again, they make bad decisions or they can’t be trusted or any of those kind of things. If they have pain from past relationships or the home growing up, it’s going to cause them to be a little gun shy. What you guys think that’s big? Yeah, that’s very true. So again, I go back to the shows because you can see it.

Um, those guys that didn’t have any, you know, it’s like So what kind of relationships can they basis off up to improve to get ready for this marriage in this new show? You know, So they they didn’t have anything. So, for my thing, my thing is to just the pain of their past, whatever that looks like. It out. It all came to light on that show. Yeah. I mean, pain brings up walls, right? I mean, and when that’s what you see in the shows and all that is that when there is pain, if you ain’t breaking down those walls and you’re trying to lead from behind walls, I mean, that leadership is gonna be skewed.

So I don’t know. I don’t know if there is one bigger than the other and you see in your office when you when you counsel. But I’m thinking pains gotta be up there. I say pain is always one of the big driver behavior. And now I’m gonna have a little bit empathy here. My way going everybody. Wherever you are sitting down for a moment, let’s let’s think about Michael now. He said he’s the first one in his family to get married. Okay, Hey, is the first one to get married in his entire family is what he said.

So my thing married first, married first. I’m sorry. Married at first sight. That was married, Tamika. So now he’s gonna be the first one to get a divorce. And look at how hurt he was before from his childhood. Now he’s been married and divorced, so I really, really pray that Michael will get help because this right here can really mess him up in his future relations. Obviously, that wasn’t a normal circumstance where they got married at first sight didn’t see each other. But that brings up a point, and that’s a good That’s a good indicator.

When you’re dating. Is if you’re the first one getting married out of your side of the family. It might be some questions. Or if you come from a family with a string of divorces, you’re taking all your advice from a bunch of people who don’t have an expertise and staying married. They have an expertise and divorcing and remarrying. Yeah, it’s probably not going to be your go to that it, but I think you got to address pain. All of us are having issues in our relationship because past pain is driving us.

And so, like you mentioned before Jason that what if the guy’s controlling eso? Imagine a guy that was in a previous relationship where the woman kept telling You’re controlling your manipulative you don’t. And it may have been her own issues that she just didn’t want anybody making a decision. So now he steps into new relationship. He like, Dude, I’m not trying to be controlling or any of that stuff the last person. So I’m not making any decision. That’s true to avoid looking like the controlling guy. Yeah, no, that’s true.

That’s a good point. That’s I mean, you can see when there’s some control issues again. The human nature is going to be protection, right? I gotta protect myself. So that’s thes little white lies. That’s why I kind of feel for Michael a little bit on that show is because it’s okay. It’s okay. I feel normal people feel for yeah, we feel for the guy. But, you know, I agree he needs some help, but yeah, that protection man, that protection mechanism that kicks in. That’s a tough one to battle through a lot of times.

Sometimes you need some Cem professional brother e help over here, you never know. So here’s the story. If you’re married to a guy that you feel like is passive and not leading, uh, here’s what’s not gonna work for you ever criticizing him, calling him Toya’s favorite jelly. What do you call him? Jelly bag? Yeah, calling him a jelly back, saying he don’t know how to lead, saying he ain’t a real man. Listen, I know what you’re trying to dio, which is let off steam and somehow motivate him to step up, But those they’re never gonna work.

So you need to encourage them. You need to connect with them. You need to ask him, Are there things that you do that caused him, did not want to make decisions or take the lead because of the way you react to the things you dio and you want to help him learn what is keeping him back and then help support him, and so that that’s part of thing. If you’re a guy, then I think you need to address these things. Look at yourself. If it’s a personality issue, then you’ve got to figure out how to step up in ways it’s not natural.

Get some good news around you that can help you. If it’s your past paying partner, then you need to address those things and figure out what lies. Are you believing that are impacting your relationship now? Eso you could step in the leading. You notice that all of these things will come back to community. A lot of times have tell community every show big, absolutely. And my thing is, if you do have a man like that, just like Eric said, you need to work on these things. This is marriage.

You you’re growing. You have your different seasons, where you’re learning each other and doing more together. And then you have your time when you’re just relaxing and enjoying each other. And my thing is, look, this is a dude that you married. He showed you these signs in the beginning and you married him anyway. So now you can work through it and just be better together, stronger and better than ever. Thank you all so much for listening to the show today and again for questions in those into the relation shop S H O P. At power 77 radio dot com.

All right, till next time, please.

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