[THE RELATIONSHOP] Remarriage and Blended Families (Episode #34)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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I think this is a relation shop where we analyse pop culture to give you relationship advice that works on Toya and I have Eric and Jason up in years. Yeah, so if you have any questions, send those into the relation shop at power. 77 radio dot com. And what do we have today? Jason getting questions from the fellas lately? I’m liking this ends. He’s sending the question from Little Lamb. You said, What’s up? Y’all on? Thanks for taking my question with the Corona virus major layoffs. And unfortunately, he was hit with the major layoff, right?

So my money wasn’t really good. And that caused some issues with my family. And now that you know that he was hit with it, you know, the strain on the marriage is even more so. What can I do to give my wife peace of mind during this time without finances and me being unemployed, get a job? The best way to give confidence and security back is go find another job. Really? Yeah, There are lots of places hiring a lot of the service industries. The Kroger’s the Walmart.

The the House is like hiring immediately higher immediately so that that even though it’s not what you want to do, even though it may not be the same salary you had, something provides hope. I mean, that’s big. That communicates a lot to your spouse to is, I’m going to do whatever it takes to provide for my family, even if I don’t like it. So yeah, no, that’s big, really? And I think coming eso think about other things you could do, Maybe develop a budget based on where we are now, right?

Develop a plan if we have to choose bills over other bills, is intentional in that is the intentional in calling Whatever it is it Alex people company and can we differ? But coming up with a plan that works in the midst of the chaos can give somebody else a little more confidence that you’re thinking about well, now. And that’s where I was going with that because that’s exactly what I did where I did not wait till things started getting bad or anything. I whatever they were offering, I was calling on it and I figured out what bills I could post fun because I would do the same thing with my business.

About 70% now. Right now, You know, I jumped on is what I could jump on what they were offering right off the bat. Uh, Teoh not wait in that line and of people that are gonna be flooded the market with doing that. But get idea. Yes, around the house has got your back out of whack. Then you go look for foundation chiropractic care of you back out of whack, man. There’s a way, you know, work on that way and an air. And I just want to say, man, I’m telling you, if you take your wife by the hand Yeah, I go in there to that dining room table.

You sit down, you weigh going. Okay? You sit down. You get your paper, your pin, you show her like, Hey, this is what we working with. I’m telling she’s going to take you by the hand, right? And then she’s gonna take you to that back room and be like, OK, unless your plan sucks. It’s a table. You’ll know Greece. It didn’t go well. You do that. Back room lock you in it. Take you to the back door. Push you out, Devil. Most of us wise, we just appreciate the effort.

So if we see you take that foot forward and be like, man, we got this. Here’s the plan is what we gonna do. They were gonna be like, OK, it’s not It’s not what I expected, but we’re in a crisis, so she should probably be very appreciative. You got this air and you’ll be all right. Yeah. Eso If you have any questions, remember to send those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com and air we’ll be talking about Well, what we’re going to talk about today is something called remarriage and blended families Before we jump in there, let me just tell you, if you need some more relationship advice, check out the YouTube channel relation shots every single week.

We got a little video that will help you in some area of your relationship. Question. Why call it relation shots? Relation shots? Because they’re quick takes or shots on relationship. People who are drinkers were like, Yeah, thats not the idea, but hey man, if you need to grab a drink and sit down, Whatever. Where? Girl? Your relationship you could do that as well. So certainly relation shots S h o t at YouTube today. We’re talking about remarriage, right? So, second marriages, what do you need to think about when you’re remarrying?

And then the side that comes with it if you have kids or they have kids is blending a family. So let’s start with the marriage beast. That’s got to come first. But what are some things we need to be thinking about? If you are getting remarried? The statistics show their second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages. So that tells me simply choosing again is not the answer. People are not getting better choosing again. There must be something that needs to happen that we’re missing out on.

So what do you guys think about that? Well, I mean, I think we get our advice from the shows we watch. What do you What do you think about every Sunday, that zit and a prime example of the best person that we see This is ready to move on like Darcy? Oh, my gosh. So I don’t know if she was married to the father of her daughters or not, but um, it’s like ever since we were introduced to her, she met this guy Jesse, who was from were something like that. Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, so she met Jesse. He was really young, a model guy, and she just couldn’t wait for him to propose. Anyway. He broke her heart, and immediately she jumped the Tom who’s from the UK like, immediately and, um and you know, I’m just like, but, you know, you feel bad for Darcy because she just she wants to be married so bad that she’s not willing to really make sure that key right there. It’s not about the guy. It’s about. She wants to be married so bad that she is just jumping in there, just trying to fill the marriage void.

So So what should she be doing? Because clearly, whatever didn’t work out in her mind, here’s what’s happening. Well, this relationship didn’t work out with Jesse. Is that you said you didn’t work out with Jesse, You know why cause Jesse, because Jessie’s issues. So if I find Tom talking different, and here’s all the things about Tom that are different than Jesse, so in my mind it is different this. You work out, but I’m guessing I haven’t seen Tom yet. But I’m just gonna go out on a limb.

Is probably not working out with Tom Brokaw. Not looking good. Okay, So what’s the problem that Darcy’s facing here? You know, you know, may you know, you got got 19 through this with a little different, because we’re doing remarriage blended family. I actually got five that covers everything, but we’re just going to give you the top two right now, because that’s going to deal with the mayor. Married? I get into the way. Have phones, ladies and gentlemen, because for a minute, way have a new category. It’s called the split top Right by JC. Gotta break it up.

This is the split, right? You’re hoping I forget about one in two. By the time we get the 34 and already Really, you’re likely. So the very first thing right off the bat you touched on this, actually was. You got to deal with the baggage first. I can. That’s a choice. And Jesse was bringing in. Jesse Darcy was bringing in Darcy’s. So what happens is if you focus on the relationship that we gooey stuff. At first you got to talk real with each other. You got to talk about the things that you screwed up in the last marriage, and maybe it.

Kimball goes way back to childhood, whatever the baggage as baggage. So you got to get the baggage out on the table first and deal with that. The second thing is that you cannot. You cannot be offended by stuff. In other words, you got allow your spouse or your partner or the person you’re dating. You you got allow a little grace there because, especially in a divorce situation where there’s a broken relationship, there is a time of grieving that’s involved, right? And so sometimes what happens is if there’s some feelings or stuff that there’s still some hurt. Involve.

You’ve gotta allow some healing to take place and not take offense to some of that stuff, too. So those are my top two so far. So you’ve got to work on baggage and give the other person grace they’re working on bag you guys, which is what you look at those two toy. I think those are good. I think I mean fan, I think everything’s great they all win. Let’s get a ribbon. Your Jason. Good job. Yes. Now what do you want to add, Eric? I just want us all to get along well, too.

I think we’re all great, I think. Listen, listen. The reason that your second and third and fourth marriages have higher and higher divorce rates is because you have not dealt with the biggest issue. Which is you, right, Jason? You mentioned it, But I don’t care how bad your previous marriage waas when it ends, that’s called loss. And when there’s loss, there’s something called grief right. And if you don’t go through the stages, we’ve talked about grief on this show before. If you don’t go through the stages of grief, you’re not going to be in a place where you’re healed.

Where that stuff’s not now affecting you. In this relationship with the other person was unfaithful to you and that costs trust issues. You don’t run into a new relationship like they’re gone, right? Everything this new person does that seem similar to the old person is going to resurrect all the old hurt, give you an idea with that. So so quick example with me in that situation is that with grief came in is the first Christmas, right? The first Christmas, it was my first Christmas without my girl, the way tradition that we used to do things and all that stuff and that created there was still some grief there because of that.

And what we had to clarify is this doesn’t mean I’m negative towards my new spouse. That means I’m still dealing with some grief of just the family broken up, the failure of it and all that stuff. Of course, my wife now is great. You know, she understood that. Good. That was whether you want your top right there, bro. Part of telling you, because Lisa could have easily had thoughts like, Oh, we’re not enough. Oh, spending time with us that you still are attached and connected to your old one.

That I mean, she could have had all those thoughts based on any of her password. So that’s huge for her. Toe has. Hey, man, he’s grieving. This is new for him, blah, blah, blah. And she actually get some grieving with because that I mean, if she was sad for me, so yeah, it actually spoke a lot about her character. And that’s what I knew. I’m all in for sure, and I agree. So you got it. You really got to grieve the loss of before you even think about getting married and your other one is spot on.

Yeah, let me even know toys that it was. Yeah, I really like that. I was saying, Oh, my God. You got to dig up your own stuff. A clean house at home. What about me? Cause part of the problems, what in me is going to cause problems in a new relationship? Because here’s the thing you look at what you’re married, do that didn’t work. And you go, I’m gonna look for traits that are not that right, which is fine. So you actually have eliminated some of the issues you had, But you also signed up for a whole new set of issues based on the new traits that you’ve never navigated before.

What’s going to cause problems? Exactly What that’s also going to do is start training you to think about you. I mean, when you’re because you’re gonna get in an argument with your new future spouse, whatever. And if your first thought goes to what? You’re not doing this and you’re not doing that. So you actually start training your own thoughts to think about you first, to deal with things that are gonna come up in your new relationship. So they are. That’s called self awareness. Which a list? Since Toy is the expert on Darcy, here’s my question.

Does the show ever so if if I’m Darcy’s community, uh, and I don’t know the relationships before the show, like you said, but I know this relationship with Jesse Now I know the new relationship with Tom. Does Darcy have anybody in her circle that is saying, Maybe you need to look at your stuff or is her only circle people going? Ah, yeah, Just use that. Just use that. Yeah, they’re telling her it’s OK. You’ll find somebody else that they just as foolish as she is. So So Darcy doesn’t have community that is helping her be self aware.

No. So let’s pretend for a minute, toyour Darcy’s new community. Ah, what might you say to Darcy? Hey, Darcie could let me talk about a few things that I’m seeing that may help you in a new relationship civil put up here somewhere. I had so much surgery on your face anyway. Direct surgery behaviors, whether some of her tendencies that you know based on relationships because, you know, relationships that are passed her she is so broken and she is so insecure and she’s looking for all those things in a man.

So it’s like, I wonder, was did this start in her childhood? You know what I’m saying? So But she’s just so hurt. I don’t even know where to start. I mean, that’s a good point you brought up because what she’s chasing after, she’s never gonna find we’re gonna find it. I don’t care how good of a man it is because, like Tom, well, how they portrayed him. I should say in the beginning their relationships seem because he’s older. He’s like her age. So he was a good match, right?

He’s British home, you know. Told me. Okay. The house that he rented for her when she came to the UK he had are sleeping in another room, you know, he didn’t even want him in the same bedroom. Home is a gentle She cried like she’s like I’m lonely. I don’t want to sleep on myself. And it’s why you are a grown woman. Darcy. You cry too much. Let’s roll that. She is so broken and she’s just searching. So really, you know, honestly, honestly, honestly, if I met this lady, I would really try my best.

Introduced her to Jesus. You would help her find her security significance identity in Christ. So not continually searching in relationship after relationship. Yeah, because she’s she’s broken bad, bad, bad. Let’s So let me wrap up the remarriage part with my own little top five Jason way, and then we’ll talk about London family. So these areas simple, I think if your looking to get married again and you’re like, I don’t know if im ready. So I would say number one, This is simple. Fill up. I mean, Philip emotionally, Philip, Spiritually what we just told Darcy to do because listen, if you’re hungry like Darcy, you’re going to take a bite.

Anything you see, You ever been the grocery store hungry? You start buying stuff you would never eat, I would say fill up emotionally. Relation. Aly. Spiritually, with good community, you won’t be is apt to take a bite into the wrong thing. That’s number one, I would say to prolong your courtship. Make sure, you know, just just prologue. Not so long, not seven years long. That Number three, I say. Don’t date alone. Bring your community and let them help point out stuff that you’re not seeing again. Most of these people on your shows do not have good community at I say on the front end stage your values and desires, the quicker that you can present what you’re about, the quicker the other person can decide to get off the train.

See some of these people, their relationship straggle. It’s like you guys don’t even share similar values. You’re not going to the same place and you drag on this relation to get all emotionally connected. And then you feel like, Well, we’ve come this far. Let’s just go and then last ones just don’t cohabitate. And we’ve talked about this a 1,000,000 times. Couple of cohabitate listen more likely than not get married. More likely divorce if married, more likely to have abuse with kids and spousal abuse, and then and on down the road cohabitate have it so professional together, you know There’s a lot of that going on with all this.

I’m insurgency when the virus clears. Ah, how many people are saying boyfriend and girlfriend say, Well, I just lost my job. Shouldn’t we move in together? Can you help me have a whole new generation? With Cohabit? Er’s one losing their job of moving in with the other? We’re looking for mess. That’s true. Now what? Let me add one more thing. So, Jason, you kind of talked about how you had to go through your grief, and it was very understanding, but ideally, would it have been Y’all are not in a relationship that far just yet until you’re over the grief.

Ah, we absolutely Yeah, that’s the best way to do it. It has you way. I mean, we did. We jumped into stuff once. We recognize we’re already in. Once recognized that Hey, maybe we didn’t go about this the right way. We actually took some stuff to backtrack. So, yeah, I mean, personally, yeah, it’s better to wait and work that stuff out before you before you jump in and makes life a whole lot easier. But if you don’t because there are people that don’t jump in. You can and were an example of that.

You can, you know, slow your roll, throw on the brakes, backtrack and go back and kind of do it the right way. Like I actually, you know, there was affairs involved in all that. I actually went Teoh her acts and ask for forgiveness. I mean, so So there were steps that I took to make your right. So you can’t go backtrack a little bit. You just gotta Ah, you gotta definitely throw on the brakes and ah, and evaluate the situation and see how you can put it back on the right track.

Got it. Thanks. All right. I like it. I like it. So now let’s shift to blend into families. You have already made the decision. You’re right there. Right. We’re already to get remarried now. You got the hard work. How do Yes will end a family. And, Jason, your because you walked exactly for five? Better be good. Because you have. That s what you are, Jason. Coming. This better be good. Man showed up. So the anywhere. Assuming you already dealt with your baggage, you kind agreed. The Greaves kind of go in there.

And now we’re in the relationship Were married, okay? And then I would were families there. First thing you gotta do right off the bat is established some parental authority rules. Because how I did my girls how she did her kids, okay? Her exes did things. You know, we they’re all different. And so in first with me, I had girl. So I had to learn boys a little bit too, right? Yeah. So that discussion on who takes care of what, uh, who takes care of what kind of issues?

Plus talking about how you take care of things like that. A Sparta’s discipline. Just know that, right, cause I’m a little tougher with the boys for a purpose. Therapists on Probably. How did you guys navigate? When do you hand off the authority? Right? Cause I’m sure on the front end there’s this, um, my dad, You don’t get to discipline me. So I have this lisa established using authority. Begin handing discipline. Ehrlich. Actually, that’s that’s great. That’s great. Second, because that goes into my number four B patients.

You have to be patient. I never went in there and said, Here’s your new daddy. Yeah. Yeah. So you know. So you have to be patient with that being patient, you have to be able to walk through that relationship with the kids and let them say what they say. Because at the time, that’s what they’re feeling. Even if it’s ugly, so don’t reveal Let them be. Let them be hurt. Be angry. You can talk with them with it. But you weren’t. Sometimes you’re not going to get the answer or the response you think you want, and there always is.

Well, I can call your dad if you want me to abuse on a couple of times way back. So I call your dad more so. But yeah, that’d be patient is the key. So with that, just let it be that Yeah, I’m not a listen. If we’re being honest, I like three and four, right? I like him. So I got to end up with number five. Be strong at this point. Doesn’t matter, cause I feel like for even four ratifies Pretty good. Pretty solid today. All right.

So number five is you have to be okay. Was saying I’m sorry. So that is big with the kids. So you have to know when you make your mistakes. I messed up, you know, and you walk through that with them. So I think what that does is it builds Bilson, respect the guys from respected. They’re not the ones you know. They’re so used to being told what’s wrong with them women all the time that you have to be ableto to man up and say, You know what?

I screwed up on that one. So, you know, that’s great advice for every parent. You know, how many parents have a hard time saying I’m sorry to their kids? You are not superhuman. You screw up. Sorry. Yeah, Hurt. Exactly. So there you go. There’s my I mean, I know toy likes it, but go ahead, including a I am not surprised. You already know. I do have something to ask. So, um, with your experience, like because Lisa had boys and you had the girls. So how and they were, how old were the what was the age range at that time?

The youngest boy is that we’re talking about the boys. The boys. The youngest one was probably about six or seven at the time. the old is the oldest boy is probably about 10 somewhere on there. So I’m just wondering, like, what? Disrespect? Because now you’re the new guy. You know, you want to try toe parent a little bit, but at the same time leases Probably doing Maura’s. You transition. But you know, because I think of this couple and Ana and Marcel on 90 days and her oldest son who’s a teenager, he’s just so disrespectful.

And I’m wondering like I’m sure that’s an issue, especially when they’re teens, you know? So it’s like, How do you deal with just the total disrespect, but then your since you want to be sensitive, but at the same time, you need to respect the adults, right? Well and again, you have to know where that disrespect is coming from. That’s the big thing, because again, when you get that disrespect, your your guard goes up here, you get irritated, you might get mad. So, in other words, you automatically Human nature is to go to how it affects me.

But you have to stop backtrack a little bit and go, Okay, where is this disrespect coming from? Because even her sons, they’re not disrespectful kids on the show. But in that situation there disrespectful school, you have to go. Where’s that cover is coming from hurt. It’s gonna change. It’s come from pain. It’s going from protecting Mom a little bit because I don’t really know. You know, I don’t my mom hurt. So there’s all these factors that roll into where that’s coming from and you have to be patient with that and just communicate that, knowing that sometimes the communication may not be pleasant, but you gotta work through those unpleasantries some time to get to the good stuff.

Just be patient work that I mean, it took us for a good communication and all that with the kids. Even with my kids being involved, it took us a good three years, at least that. So that’s where you got to be patient. Wow, that answer your question. It did. Yes. Thank you. You guys another. I just taken apple here while I ask you questions. Good. Yeah. So, yeah. Did you guys ever run into frustrations or arguments concerning each other’s relationship with the previous spouse? Like, did Lisa ever have a problem with how much you and your previous spouse communicated or the level or type of it.

Did you ever have issue with her and her expose mint? I laugh at that because I still don’t communicate with my ex after 12 years. You do? What about on her side? But on her side? Yeah. I mean, there’s some frustration because, really, where it comes from is there. There are some things that get dropped and where we feel like, you know, he needs to pick up on the slack of you things, and I don’t feel like it’s my place to go. And I mean, I have before, But sometimes I have to be careful to go into the X and say You need to be doing this.

And sometimes I lean on her to do it. Hey, you need to talk to your acts, but also now that puts pressure on her. She starts getting anxious and the anxiety from it and oh my gosh, I feel like everything is falling on me to deal with. So that’s what I have to ***. This may not be fun, but I got to take some of that off of her and either meet with him, talk to him. You know, however, that goes and, uh, and take that off of her.

So So you’re not like Will and Jada in his, um explaining that, like Will and Jada. So for those of you that don’t know, you know, Will Smith was married previously and had a son, Trey, with his first wife. And they divorced. And of course, he remarried to Jada. And they have two kids, and I don’t think it started out this way. But now they are all so close that even the X and her new husband, they all like, spend holidays together and do dinners together in all the birthday part.

That way, all the kids were together and, like Jada and this lady or really close friends, Yeah. I mean, that would be great. That’s probably not the scenario most of time, way out of many couples. I’ve council that is less than 1%. Where they run into issues is there’s not agreed upon boundaries with that spouse. So here’s the reality. If you’re getting remarried and blending a family, you now have somebody else that has the ability to impact your marriage, whether you like it or not. For the rest of your life because the other spouse, the baby Mama, our baby daddy can do things to manipulate and influence your marriage.

For instance, there it’s their responsibility to pay for the kids shoes for basketball season. They can choose not to. So now you guys were faced with. Now your spouse is like, Why can’t let my kid go without, so I’m gonna pay for it Now you’re frustrated because the other spouse is costing you money, right? Because of their decisions. So you have to agree upon what boundaries you’re gonna set in your own relationship, how much access you’re gonna let them have. Because I’ve seen that go sideways so many times.

I mean, the other parent coming over to the house and arguing in the front yard. That’s my kid. They could come with me if you want. You took their cell phone away. I’m giving him a new cell phone. You just go sideways, chain this social media. Stay off of it when you deal with that because kids read that. That’s the bad part two is exactly what you’re saying out in the front yard. Yeah, that’s bad. But social media is just humiliating for a kid when they’re reading that everybody else is reading the tea.

Still, stay off of that stuff. You gotta monitor your emotional connection with the ex spouse so that it’s not impacting your relationship. You also have to decide in a blended family to put the marriage 1st 0 absolutely, That sounds easy. But listen to this scenario. If I get married again and I bring some kids into it. And now my new wife is treating my kids poorly to the point where I’m seeing them distraught, hurt, trying for me not to side with them, my biological kids over this new woman who’s hurting them.

That’s tough. It’s tough, but it don’t. You will continue to have instability. You have to say my marriage is first over my own biological kids. Even if my kids go, I don’t like this new environment. I want to go live with Mommy or Daddy. You have to prioritize the marriage. Which is why you gotta be wise about who you married. Yeah, we make sure we modeled that right. So when we first got married, we made sure we modeled that to to the kids, to her case gets her kids with one around what around?

We modeled that where they weren’t used to seeing her go to the store with her excess. Gonna go do things. So when I went to the store, she went with me. So they saw us together all the time and doing things together all the time, too, because we like each other well. But to model it for the kids so they can see they get that in their head that this was our priority. The marriage was the priority. So that’s a big one, for sure. No, that is necessary.

Yeah, I think there’s lots of little things you can still do spend time individually, especially early on with your own biological kids, just to make sure they know they’re still a priority. Not an unhealthy way. But I think that one on one time is still healthy, I think starting new traditions. Wow, maintaining old traditions. We don’t want to do all new and old, right? Like there life before didn’t exist. And I will say this. You gotta be careful if you’re like I was the guy coming into the situation.

So I would say on the flip side of that where Lisa was great with this, but the other. But you have to be careful that you don’t handle all the behavioral things with the kid and leave the other person that maybe bring him and slower because you want that can make the other place person feel like, Okay, I’m just the finance guy, or I’m just, you know, I’m really not a parental thing. So you got to be aware of that tooth. All right, well, thank you all so much for joining us today.

Um, yeah. Questions thing. Power 77 radio. All right. Till next time. Way by

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