[THE RELATIONSHOP] Navigating Long Distance Dating and Marriage (Episode #33)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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in relation Shot Where we analyse pop culture give you relationship advice that actually works. I’m Toya and I have with me. Oh, so I was on r i g page. And if you don’t know, it is the relation shop Uh, g at the relation shop S h o P. So I asked a question and the question waas Now that you have some experience, can you work with your spouse or roommate at home? Be honest. So thistle is a good thing. I was like, Okay, a lot of people are doing this right now.

So who is actually making it? Or did you even think that you can make it so, like, what do you offer? I think the people that were good before are still good. And if you know who weren’t getting along before that’s been exposed because now you can’t get away. That’s it. I mean, I worked with my wife, so I mean, it’s all good. It’s all good, but that’s what we’re saying. We’re out good, cause I agree with, and I hate even saying that. But I do agree with Pastor.

They say it real loud. Several Lincoln here got it Yeah. You with Eric? Yeah. It’s just gonna expose what’s already there, so yeah, and and add to it, you start out in financial stress. You start at kids in the home, and now are our parenting issues are exposed. So what response did you get? All right. So one let me read one here from Ahmad Rashad. Underscore. 13. That way. Said I enjoy working together, but my heart would grow fonder if you went to your old job. Eventually. Apple coated a day. Really?

That sounds like a hard work on your heart. The right way. And then we had a d j dot Larry G. He said, unfortunately, not wifey and I worked together in the past when I had my own business and we were like oil and water. So So you at right now you got to, man. That’s a kid. My wife. What about the ladies? But okay, let’s farm a lady here. So, Miss Cali, Ray said I have already been working from home and we weren’t hiring smiley face.

God knows what he is doing. My husband works for the central business, so he is still going to work. But I can’t lie. I love the extra time with my family. So sounds like she she wants him home. Maybe, but like she’s cool. That sounds to me like everything is normal. You just get a little more time with rest of family. That’s all that. That’s what I heard. Way go. All right. So, anyway, you have any questions for us, though? Police in those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com Jason. What?

You know, our question of the day is not far from what you just read. There’s from James, who was in quarantine and prosper. Right. Okay, so here we go. He says, with all this Rhona going around, he already nicknamed Arone. Ronna is like the grand without this Rhona going around and being stuck at home. How do you handle the constant interaction with the families? Such without breaks like we’re usedto having a work. So I need some me time. How do I do that? We should give them a gim.

Ahmad Rashad underscored phone number. Call makes the heart grow. Father, is that since theory? Apparently so what? Eric like, what do you have to say? Because you’re you’re at home. The whole families at home, in your house. Right. Okay, So you uses. Our kids are older, Everyone stays in their own room. So I can go in the living room, leave my wife in the bedroom, daughter up in one bedroom, daughter in the other bedroom or good. So that is a way to take a break in separate rooms at times.

If it’s nice, go out back at times. Just have some breaks. We’ve been invited her around the tape a little more, Which have been cool to say a lot of people have been doing. Been seeing that on Facebook. I have been saving money on eating out Come and Gas and tolls, man. 14 till the end of the year. Yeah, but I got two teenage boys, man that killed. I know in my house, even though I leave every day. But I think that Ahmad and Prince, they kind of have their own schedule.

So they I think they’re still saying a routine prince gets up every day. He has to have his teeth brush at a certain time, dressed at a certain time workbook at a certain time. And for me, I go to work and I’m home probably by 44 30. And when I get home, I’m like, Okay, it’s time to eat. I do my normal committee, have a snack, spend a little bit of time with Prince, and by 8 30 he’s in the bed. And then I finally get me some me time. And that’s how it’s been working in mind.

That’s important, too. I mean, what you brought up. His key is keeping a routine, that’s what. And it’s not as easy making teenage, especially teenage boys, have routine. But that’s what I would be even stressed because eventually we’re going to go back to normal, right? And so if they are at a routine, so even creating what Eric said keeping they, uh, maybe taking some breaks at certain times, just like you’ve always been to kind of keep a little routine going. So when we all go back to normal and you’re not trying to get usedto used to another new normal, so yeah, yeah, James, I would say, find sometimes of separation, right?

Yep. I would say Be intentional with your different times, so that all our time together is not work time. So Where’s the work time? Where’s the fun time hanging out, the dating time, the relationship time where all those different times go in and we can kind of combine that stuff together, right? So make sure of James for anybody else that has questions, be sure to send those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com and air What we got. Well, before I jump into today, if this has been helpful, you’d answer the questions.

I got some more help for you. My YouTube channel just kicked off. It’s called the relation shots Shotts. So go look relation shots on YouTube Every week we’re gonna be putting out a video that will help you on some relationship concept. But today, what we’re talking about is a long distance relationships, right? Yes. So we’re gonna do two parts. We won’t talk about dating long distance present cons and then we want to talk about if you’re married but have a long distance relationship at times, maybe deployment, maybe work deals.

How do you manage that? Well, those are two different categories, both long distance. And here’s what I do know All you guys crazy shows. There are started. Long distance. So how does that work out? Yeah. Sorry. You said that’s don’t you? What time is it? It’s not working out. Okay there. Some of them that are still together. I mean, they work they out of what really works. You know, it was interesting. Yeah. Who’s interesting? I he’s He’s I don’t know how he made the cut, But Ed, you watching the new people and all, And and Rose is a really little guy. Yeah. Yeah.

It’s like the Danny DeVito want Teoh. Yeah. I mean, that guy, he I mean this lot. He lied about stuff. That’s that is literally the funniest thing I’ve seen in my life. My wife was watching that show the other day, so I was watching it with her. And when you have to lie about being 54 really five, just be a little bit with you. That’s exactly right. Yeah. I mean, the look on her face when he crawled out of the plane to say, You look like you just like your neck on the way.

That’s it? Yeah. You know, talking about this long distance stuff is good because you also you’re dealing with like my wife is struggling right now because her daughter was, You know, my stepdaughter was in Brazil, so she’s 14 day quarantine somewhere else. So not being They’re separated now. So, you know, you got a long distance relationship now because of this Corona virus. How do you deal with that? It’s been tough on her. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that’s hard. And I just think of anybody that’s dating shoot. And today you could be just an hour away, you know?

And you’re now long distance and really can’t see till you have nowhere to go. Nothing to do now. So is crazy. But back to Ed and Rose. So, yeah, he lives in Ah, Florida and flew out to go see her. This is on a 90 day before the 90 day he flew out to go visit her in the Philippines, and I don’t know, it’s not really looking to good for them and their He’s in his fifties, I believe. And she’s in her twenties. Yeah, Will they ever put to a couple on that show where they’re at least in the big note of each other?

They have a few that are close. They always got a Sprinkle. Does not get 87 year old with, like, a 20 year old Nigeria as they always, ever gonna work. They always got the white trash in the Nigerian. That’s always gonna be there. So let’s talk about the negatives of long distance dating. All right? No. There. You see him on the show all the time? Yeah. And speaking of the show and some negatives of it, kiss what I get. Oh, hey, Yoko. Top five eso. So I thought I’d do this Top five.

Some negatives, because the shows that give you some 90 get the material here. So I came up with five things you gotta watch out for when you’re doing the dating long distance thing. OK, so these are people dating long distance, right? Here are some things union. Where exactly? So I better be good. Yeah. Yeah. So I’m using Avery and Ash on this. Remember that. You know Avery Nash’s Australian. Okay, So transparency number one. That’s the number. One thing you gotta watch out for the other person being parents prayers.

So lack of you mean black lamb, for example. You know, there’s that issue with the sun there’s things got on with the relationship between him and his ex that he’s not on the up and up. So she’s just now finding that stuff out. So, yeah, lacking transparency would be careful that that’s valid. All right, so, you know, you gotta bring up Sean telling Pedro writes better why you do such a good paint job waiting for him. So the other thing, that’s family pressure, you know? They don’t want him to leave.

She doesn’t. They don’t want her to leave. Its was creating this family pressure. That’s trying. Teoh kind of sabotage the relations. That’s one of them. That’s one of the family problems. Trust building that trust, you know, you look at so Joe boy. Okay, so that’s like a 65 year old. Yeah, that’s not the whole time. She is jealous. I’m trying like Doug and what he does for a living and trying to derail all of that stuff because of trust issues. So So, yeah, you creates his lack of you gotta you gotta be careful it and create this lack of a trust thing going on.

So All right, now, before we got expense, I gotta throw at and roads in there. He spent like, what? 100 grand going over there and buying her stuff. Do that the so expensive. That’s your show. Not five. Because real people in real life, long distance most of them. But you want to see the other person can. I’m dealing with that in my house. Right. Okay. My daughter’s dating Brazilians. We got some of that going on. It is not my so all right, Number five would be loneliness. You know, it creates a slowly remember Tiffany, a Ronald, the whole situation that when they separate, went back apartment, it created this vacuum.

This blowing this in there. So that’s my five. Yeah, if we’re being honest and we need to be honest, that wasn’t that good this time. Oh, come on. I too. It’s funny, cause I got that off your YouTube channel that you did not. I promise you that. Yeah. You want to know you what? You would have gotten off my YouTube more thoughts, wide, long distance relationships. So there’s reasons I like him. Yeah, and there’s reasons I don’t like him. Okay, A couple of reasons I don’t like him is what you said which is the trust in honestly, it’s hard.

I really know. Another reason I don’t like him is you have no ability to get to know the other people’s community. And you know how big I am on community, right? You have no idea their friends, their family, all that kind of stuff, what that looks like and where that goes. And then I always say this when when I’m counseling couples who are dating long distance, I’m like long distance dating is like an affair. Yeah, it’s not really because here’s what’s happening. You’re setting aside time in the evening, undistracted, where you’re on the phone, you got each other’s undivided attention.

No distractions. That’s not real realistic. Then, when one of you comes into town to see the other one, everything is set aside that weekend. Nothing else is going on. It’s all about me and you. And so it creates the situation where there’s no moments for the regular disappointment dating where you had a date. But hey, man, I got tickets to the Mavericks game, and so is it cool if we reschedule because I want to go do this for you are playing on dinner At six o’clock, I got stuck at work till seven.

Now you’re disappointed because it ruined our plans. So I think that’s one of the things. It’s not riel. It’s like an affair is it’s this exclusive time set aside. So that’s couple reasons I don’t like it, but you think toe well and I think is different, too, because we have people that actually dating or married that had they were able to set that foundation and let’s say maybe military. So now they’re they’re gone, you know? So at least they have the foundation or like me, an Ahmad.

We didn’t long distance for a year, but we dated here together for a couple of years. Then he went away for a job for a year, and so we kind of have that foundation as opposed to people that meet online, where they don’t really have a foundation. And this just kind of based on kind of what you are saying, that the expectations are now lost, you know, and they’re thinking that it’s one thing when it’s not so, then it kind of makes it different. But, um, I don’t it is.

It’s great. So talking about marriage. Yeah, that was I’m talking about both, but my question does the dynamic change we talked about dating. There’s not the dynamic change when it’s marriage. When you’re talking about the different focuses. So going back to the dating piece, what I didn’t like about, Here’s what I do like about it. It forces you to communicate right in a much better way than you do when you’re your shoulder, shoulder, side to side. It forces you so you grow a friendship, a deeper level, emotional intimacy.

That that’s what talking online, that forces you you’re probably gonna go deeper than when you just get to hang out. Go to movies where you’re not really talking. So I think that is what I think sex being removed from the relationship is a good thing in dating. Yeah, like I don’t know, sex serves as a Band Aid. It makes you think you’re closer than you really are. So when you take that out of a relationship, you’re really building the kind of intimacy that so I think dating those were the good parts, right?

Right? Yeah, with marriage. It’s a completely different ball game. Now. We gotta figure out Hey, how how do we connect intentionally while we’re not together? True that. We talked about healthy boundaries. And how do we maintain trust? Win? We don’t have the proximity. Do I know where you are? How do we check in with each other? How do you alleviate my fears or my issues when you come back home? How do you re assimilate them in? I think that’s a huge Yeah, I mean, that’s bigger. Like I you know, it wasn’t this long, long term, but it’s almost a year. What?

I went off to college and had to get some stuff done. And my wife at the time was here, and one of the things was, Keep trying to keep that bows because what you were saying before, you know, being all lovey dovey, all that on the phone, doing things like that is great. But when you see each other again, and that’s all you’ve been doing that all sudden you’re hit with reality is alive. It can kind of have an effect on the relationships that we make sure we kept that balance where there was a time of you know, what I got to deal with you know, the refrigerators not working.

How do we deal with that? You I got this bill here, so there were times that we dealt with that. So? So it did make me feel like I was actually home a little bit to deal with that kind of stuff. On the flip side of that, we there we made sure there were times where where we didn’t deal with that. So we put that stuff aside and focus more on relationship part. So the balance was big for us, right? I’d agree with that. And like I said, when me and a moderate long distance, we were just dating.

But it was cool, because at that time I was working at the hospital nights and I worked every other weekend. So we saw each other twice a month whenever I was off and we would take turns so he would come here, or I will go there to Louisiana. He was teaching at his call at his university Gramling, so I would go there and visit him, and we were kind of switch. And, you know, it was cool because it was like we were so intentional. Like what you were saying, Eric, how you know?

Because you’re not seeing each other that much. You’re you’re putting more into it, you know? So I remember driving down to Grambling one weekend, and I think this is the first time he cooks for me. And he’s just like, Oh, my make us some spaghetti. And I’m just like, OK, like Mrs Teoh, because that’s about all I could make, like a Let me finish. Let me finish the story. Listen, he loves Italian. That’s his favorite food, right? So I guess he’s thinking of making spaghetti sauce from scratch.

So this do pours out the spaghetti sauce into a big pot, as if it’s like fresh. You know what I’m saying? Like he made it fresh. He pours it in there and has it, like simmering for light. So where, where where? He got it up. Charlie just got a job like a base. Pretended he was, so it burned. So I get there, I get to Louisiana and I’m just like I’m cooking for you. My sausage is marinating. Oh, no, no, no. I’m starting it softly. You go in there to do, I’m going in there every hour and I’m starting it.

And I’m just like, well, already made way. Throw it away because he literally burned the sauce. Why? It was there was no about the burnt spice. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anybody. Burning store bought some. Even I didn’t think it happened. Wow. Hey, you know what? He he can cook now so that we are you made up for? Yeah, he knocked. I had to tell him like this was already cooked. Good. Ugo, that’s impressive. I was simmering Ragu for seven hours because then it turns into this special special sauce.

Let’s try to help you about. So if we got a married couple who may be its deployment, maybe someone took a three month traveling nurse job something. You’re a married couple. You’re separated. Let’s give some thoughts. What can they do to remain connected? You know, I’m glad you creative idea. I’m glad you said I got five things in my help. A a Listen, now honestly would not have set up. I have no idea. May have I got you covered. You know what? You trash me so bad on the 1st 1 I gotta try Teoh Wiseman, feel bad.

So even if these things work, you like these. All right, so here’s what you can do. So when you’re apart, make the time you have valuable. So, like, right play play game online. Do you, like, do a zoom chat? Yeah, executives or something? Actually doing something like that? Yeah. Where you play an online game by my game, Whatever. All right. So checking in like the spouse on the That’s the biggest thing. Number one, number one, Number two, you slide into these others, and I never I gotta slow down from way too far, so we gotta check in.

So part of being a part is sometimes your mind can wonder What’s the other one doing? You know, the trust issue can start sneaking in, so check in and do the selfies where you’re at, you know, just kind of checking in. So overly check in. Hey, let’s have without me and as you Yeah, just just to build a little security for the thinking about you. You and something. Exactly what you wear. A dead planet. Most special occasion. Okay. All right. So number three all right, give unexpected surprises.

You know, all sudden flower show up at the door. I just made some cookies and I just sent out or you show up unexpected, and hopefully you don’t find something you shouldn’t. But you know. Okay. And that reminds me my birthday was this month, and I remember coming home from work and pizza was delivered at the door. That’s learning that a larger Did he try to make sure? Kitty, marinate my way. I’m hungry. Where’s you get pizza from? Oh, it’s from a family own Italian spot. Way stopped?

Yeah, Yeah. Not Teoh. Not that you guys are trying to pull me off, subject, but number four All right, Number four already. This kind of what I talked about do life too realistic live stuff. So you do the fun stuff. But every now and then you gotta throw up some realistic life where you talk about bills, things like that. So when you do come together, you don’t bombard each other with Oh, my gosh. We got a leak in the scene. We got all this stuff. Got you.

But be clear that that’s what that moment is for. So that was not expecting. Oh, we’re gonna have fun. And the others like him. They last won number five creatively Girl, do a Bible, stay together. Do relationship exercises. Do stuff to get you to gentle on relationships called relationship. That should be number one. That should be number one. I got to see the look, But you understand the pressure I’m under, I gotta say the best. Relax, because it’s not that Teoh that so? Yeah. Like like, um, Bible studies over the phone or just conversations about growth and goals and, you know, the foundation of Christ. Yeah.

You know what? That was way better than your 1st 5 I like it. I’m glad you came out with it. And I like I like that. Be creative. So you could do a little zoom date where you’ve got your table set. People’s eyes, candles pretend. So take advantage of the creative moments. Let’s go back to the dating couples. Okay, So if we were talking to somebody who is dating, maybe they met online, so they started their dating relationship online. Let’s give him just some real practical thoughts on what can they do to make sure they’re doing the right things?

And in what are some things that they really need to try to watch out for preventing. I’m glad you asked is getting I just killed Teoh. Okay, What would you tell him? What should they do and watch out for Well, do Well, okay. What? To watch out for somebody that just doesn’t have times. If they act like, Oh, I’m too busy. I can’t reach out. I can’t send a text message. I can’t check in. I can’t do anything. Okay, this is over. This relationship is done. But that’s OK. I saw that brings me.

I saw Mim on Instagram the other day. That said, if a woman cancels a date, it’s because she has to. If a guy cancels the day, it’s because he has to the number two. Funny. So that’s gotta what you’re saying. Oy isn’t if he keeps canceling or shift and stuff, you know, maybe Maybe that’s a red flag. That’s a good one. Yeah, on. And then what? What? What was the other thing? That was some practical things. So what to watch out for? And then some practical things toe.

How do we move it forward? Cause a lot of these shows you guys were talking about I’m like, Dude, you been dating for three years. You never seen each other? They you can’t get a hold on one. You need to like, All right. I think this time eso is there, especially when we’re talking dating here. Is there too much like it got over Text you all the time. We’re going. Oh, my gosh. Come on. Does that? Does that tell you that maybe he’s a little He’s progressing a little faster than you want.

Does that communicate some to you, man? I wanted to People actually have that problem. People text. Yeah, Yeah. Women over texting 100 co dependent guys do black. Guess that’s true. You got a co dependent. Should be a really? If it’s too much, then I feel like Okay, you’re doing possessive, man. Get you okay? Yeah. I would tell people if you start online and long distance as quickly as you can be able to connect in person and be able to figure out how you can meet their community at the end of the day, who they’re surrounded by who can pour into their lives, speak into their lives, who they have around them is huge.

Eso the quicker you can get introduced to that community, the better you can make a decision. Otherwise, you developed a great relationship with this person. It’s in isolation. It’s online. It’s all the stuff we said. And then someday, when you actually get there like this person don’t have any relationships with their family. They got very few friends. It’s like those were some red flags. Don’t just think that you meet them and it’s like check. Okay. I met them. I like this person. We’re gonna go ahead and move forward.

No, pay attention to their community, you know, do these men, You’re the guy you’re dating. Does he know his dad is? Dad is in his life. If not, does he have a male figure that’s in his life that’s actually married? That can go through things and women? Um, arms are men the woman that you’re dating? What are the women like around her? Any of them married? Are they? Do they all have jelly backs for men, You know, like you have to pay attention. So all these things, because that’s kind of how you can set your expectations.

And what are you gonna need to work on it. Is this person worth me fighting toe work with for relationship toe work? You know, like all those things. Yeah. I’m saying they don’t just make your first assumption off of the first meeting. The first meeting is going to be great in most cases. Oh, this is so great. I love him so much. I would say plan a few trips and really let some time go on and so see, See that person in their environments and what you’re saying?

The community. But but do it more than Waas for sure, right, That’s true. If it’s too good to be true, Yeah, yes, probably know it. Given your daughter broke, you know, it’s you know, it’s funny because I did talk to her when she was over there. I was texting, and they have some arguments and things like that. I’m like you have first thing you have to do is figure out. Do you really love fill our? Do you love the idea of fill in Brazil? There’s a big difference there for sure.

So figure out like the way Phil is now. He’s driving you crazy today. You guys have an argument, but is he Is that worth pursuing a relationship? Or do you just really want to be in Brazil and feel just happens to be there? So I figure out where you’re at on that. So that was my first. And I’m sure they’re learning right now. How each other deals with that. What this Phil do when you get into conflict? Because it away does he leave you? Does you know what is going on?

That’s huge. It is indicated for you guys. Absolutely. Yeah. So that’s what I got. I like it. I think there’s some ideas on what you do. Long distance dating what you watch out for their some ideas on. If you’re in a marriage, long distance, how to be intentional. Check in set. Proper boundaries and expectations. So I got a really tough one for it. We don’t have much time, So let’s see what you can do with you know, I’m in the Prison Ministry do prison ministry all the time.

How do you deal with that? When once a month is all you get to see your husband. Ah Ah, That’s when you find out if you really signed up for a covenant, you are worse. That’s a tough once a month. Yeah, she’s tough to maintain that relationship. It is. Obviously, you’ve got to surround yourself with a lot of good friendships. You can feel your emotional, relational intellectual needs. Otherwise, you’re going to start looking for a romantic relationship. Do that and you got to be intentional with your with your one month.

That’s a tough situation, and they’re only able to see each other once about how long of a visit. Well, they I mean, there were several hours, but there’s no there’s no touching anything. And that’s actually where our program comes in their way. If they behave in prison, we give them an opportunity to actually have a whole day with their spouse, with the kids playing games, face painting pizzas, stuff like that. So that would be another thing I’d say is, just check programs because there are programs that allow you to do that.

So, yeah, that’s a tough one. So we’re still having a write letters, write letters. What’s the name? Your program broke day with that? Yeah, Yeah, absolutely. It’s a good program. That’s awesome. All right, well, thank you all so much for joining us. And if you have any questions, please send those into the relations shop at power 77 Radio back. Adios.

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