[THE RELATIONSHOP] The Top 4 Marriage Killers (Episode #30)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is the relation shop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with riel relationship advice. I’m Toya and I have Jason. What’s up, Lisa? Lisa, she’s back. Back, back! Don’t call it a comeback. She’s been here for one of us. Think you’re working me out with Yeah, man. So if y’all don’t know we are on the gram Instagram, you’re moving on. Look for us at the relation shopping again That is shop s h o P. Now, this week I put out a question on there and let me let you all know what that was.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder, or is it out of sight? Out of mind. So that’s a good question. E should have been on their commenting. Listen. Oh, well, anyway so yeah, Thank you. But I want to give a shout out Thio some of our followers on there. So one is negotiation dot and dot Popcorn. Alright. Negotiation dot And popcorn. Like negotiates with popcorn. Yes, yes, yes. Eso This was her answer. She said I think it depends on where your hearts were at before the absence.

If you know what you have and it’s right for you. I believe you feel that distance until the person is back. But if not, might as well break up at that point over. Yeah, and then here’s another one. So Rogers Vine Hey said, Based on the connection in the relationship, in a situation where there is harmony, peace and joy manifesting in each other’s presence on a consistent basis, then yes, absence can make the heart grow fonder because the heart likes a nurturing place. But if that type of environment isn’t being manifested for one or both people, then there’s nothing to grow fonder about.

Just my opinion. So So what you’ve just proven is that your followers answer your questions way better than we answer there, man. Hey, I’m talking about Yeah, but I think Toya’s questions or more succinct to Okay, listen, I agree with popcorn and she that that was like, exactly what I would have said. It all depends on if you guys were close or not. If you’re close than the absence does make you go, I miss what we had. If you’re not like dude, I’m kind of out of sight out of mind, dude.

Anyway, like when I’m on vacation? I don’t know. I have kids. In fact, I forgot. I had kids and a wife right now caught up in the moment. I gotta You gotta get home to them soon. Well, listen, if I’m sorry, were you gonna say some? Jason, You all right? So if you all have any questions for us, be sure. So check us out on I G. I just followed. I just followed while you were talking over here on my phone. There’s too many pictures of you and not enough for me on there.

So that way we’ll make some comments, but we need to fix that. A delight is that there’s no pictures or you can eso either i g or email us at the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com and Jason have a question. I do. You know? Yeah, I got Of course I got a question. This was coming from Leslie all the way from Prosper. Okay. All right. Here we go. Leslie. All right. Thanks. Was funny. This was This was totally you, Eric. My husband does not have great sense of style, so it’s automatically going to you.

This is me. Because I don’t have. Great. Exactly. Absolutely. Man thinks podcast on video. I’m gonna start wearing a suit. Wait till next time, bro. Call me at once. I see. What you wearing That those skinny jeans they don’t dio man. Alright, my your opinion build. My husband does not have a great sense of style. And I have to admit, I didn’t really like the choice of clothing too much when we dated. But he was such a sweet guy, and we had good chemistry. There’s that chemistry.

Listen to our chemistry show, all right? But after nearly eight years of marriage, I want my husband to wear more than just a T shirt. Some shorts. I’ve thrown away old shoes and such, but that could get us into a conflict, especially with his favorite slippers. Withholding the ankle. Uh, she cannot stand those shoes. Slipper. Shit. High top slippers. What do you mean, holding the ankle slippers reading, bro. Yeah, but they’re high tops. Like my slippers Air low below my e. Enough to have a whole never know when the game’s gonna break out.

Morning and night. E eso. What’s the question? What does she do about she doesn’t like the way dresses. Doesn’t like the slippers. She throws away stuff that creates conflict that way. Here we go. Here we go. I feel like Yeah, I mean, it sounds like he really doesn’t care about his clothes. So my thing is, just just buy him some clothes, right? E mean, just just just buy him some clothes, put it in the cloth. Or maybe he thinks he is styling, and that’s what he likes.

So what? I mean, what she gonna bring him? What she’s gonna bring, like, at least your suit And what I mean, it’s such a what if she is bad, easy solutions. So listen here, radio. Listen, skinny jeans got his comment and dress. I didn’t dress bad, but I didn’t dress cool in jail and I got together. She had way more style than I do. And so when we got together, like I could see, she looked better than I did. So there was some self awareness. I thought I look fine, but I was like, No, you do good.

So she started dressing me. She started She what toys says she will buy me stuff. And here’s the other piece to it. So here’s here’s step two for hopefully her husband’s not listening. Step two is if he thinks he looks cool and he doesn’t like the things you buy, then you gotta have some other girlfriends or some other dudes playing it that can When he wears what you got, it could be like, Dude, you look good because he’ll receive the outside feedback and be like, you know, the sudden he’s getting words of affirmation from another woman and going, Hey, you create a problem dressed, right?

So But he looks good. Do I would agree, get him some stuff that you like and affirm him in it. And then if you’ve got some other people that could be on your side in the FIRMAS Well, next thing you know, I’ll be like, Listen, we all like compliments. All right, so for us, you got I’m gonna confess. What do you do every morning? Every morning? What do you can replace it with? What you do like eso. You took all of Jason’s black playing V necks out, uh, placing with wear jeans.

Come on. All right, so every more jobs over here away black, Wait with Steve Jobs you couldn’t go with. Like what? I don’t know. Johnny Cash. At least somebody. No, I’m saying Steve Jobs, one of those guys that always wore the same thing, so he never had to spend time thinking about it. So here’s Here’s where the confession comes in. So every morning, when I’m about to go toe work again, I’m putting my stuff on. I come out of the closet and I stand there waiting for one thing.

What I want waiting for approval, waiting for the approval. So I have learned. Always get it. No, I don’t always get it. That z good. Lisa, how do you How do you gently? Because I’m sure it’s gentle loving. How do you How do you let him know that what he has picked is probably not the best choice for him today. No change. Okay. Gentle and sweet sheep in the toilet too long. One of my favorite one of my favorites is when my wife goes Are you wearing?

Is that what you’re wearing? Yeah. Okay, that is e used to get super pissed and defensive, But now I’m like, Oh, this No, I was just putting this until I was got fully ready and then putting my real stuff on. Where’s my A mod would get dressed. And I looked at him like you weren’t that on, like That’s it. That’s it. You’re wearing that? And how did he respond? And he man, I don’t think he liked it. He just be like, Yeah, that’s what I’m wearing. You gotta deal with it now.

You’re definitely wearing just to spite him. That’s absolutely what s o tomorrow, too. So right now, eh? So how is how is the NASA, the hoody, the NASA hoody work? You like that? All right. I mean, it’s a chill day. All right, so now e s so don’t wear that on date night. E it based. I’m dressed up. Then I’m like, we need to at least both be kind of dress nice. You know, I don’t wanna be dressed nice. And then you dressed comfortable. Nice. You know, like, let’s just both be on the same level.

Dress up your genes, at least you know, jeans. All right, Leslie. So there you go. We still didn’t help you, but she did. We’re told by him the stuff that you like get other people to compliment him. You’ll be well on your way. All right. There you go. You’re well on your own with that. Awesome. Awesome. So speaking of oh, email, I am so sorry. I’m like way E s o For any more questions, please send those into the relation shop at power. 77 radio dot coms. We can answer your questions and laugh at you.

I just love it, Ugo, before you went into a trance, what we owe happened. Actually, I think you were about to go in tow. What you want what we were talking about today? Nah, I like awkward pope. Awkward pauses, e. I think we should institute every three minutes and awkward to second place. So yeah, we could talk about Here’s what we’re talking about today. We’re gonna help people out because we got too many people killing their marriages and they don’t even know what they’re doing. So today we’re gonna talk about top four marriage killers, and here’s where it comes from.

John Gottman is a psychologist relationship expert. If you ever want some good, practical science based tools for your relationship, go look for John Gottman. He’s got all kinds of great stuff. But he identified. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And he said, When you see this in your relationship is likely that if you don’t correct it, this will lead to the demise of the relationship. So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give all four real quick just so you can have them. And then we’re gonna talk about some of your stupid shows.

You love to watch you. Then we’re gonna come back and define what each one is, so somebody could be aware. So here’s Here’s the four, as Gottman calls them, the Four Horsemen we just call him before marriage killers. Number one is criticism. Number two is contempt, which is a whole nother level criticism. We’ll get to that. Number three is defensiveness, and number four is something called stonewalling, which will define, but it’s almost like just given the silent treatment is the idea behind it. So those are the four criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling because we’re gonna define some of those.

But I want to hear what you guys watching, like how many shows we can pull that? A. I’ve been so busy praying and doing stuff like that. You haven’t caught up on e up there. And actually you were watching. Okay, let’s talk about love is blind. For those of you that don’t know love is blind is a new show on Netflix kind of similar to married at first sight, where these couples are going on blind dates in pods with each other and the pods doing the pods so they could take away appearances.

So they’re able to just connect with them without seeing them. But they hear their voice and they’re able to just connect on a different level. Right? And they get so far as to proposal after what, a couple of weeks or so? Because, I mean, we don’t really know how long they’re in these pause. We don’t know how. You know, we don’t know that type of information. We just know that they’re getting close enough to feel uncomfortable to propose the other person without even seeing them. And when we speak of marriage killers, there is one couple on their Yep.

Carlton and diamond. Oh, gosh. Carlton and Diamond. Harlington and Diamond or the real name? Come on, don’t even act like you have no idea who were talking about. You know, You know that video prince meets the dancer. Okay. Yeah, well, she was a dancer, actually. She for, like, a basketball, basketball, that kind of dance e know where you were going so we owe. Didn’t used to dance with the diamond bubbles used Thio got it. Alright, saying if she heard you say that, Eric, she’d be like, Oh, I’m not talking to do one of the guys.

The pause was like, You must be a dancer, you know? That’s true. Yeah, that’s true. But anyway, so she got turned Carlton connected and and Carlton proposed. And so after he proposed, and that’s when you’re able to actually see each other. And then you say, OK, do I really wanna be engaged to this person? So he proposed to her. She said yes. They met? Yup. They met in person face to face. They still she still wanted to move forward with it. They go on the trip, Thio. Where?

Mexico? Yeah, for their supposed to time, where they get to spend time together in person now. And the same day or the next day? No. The same thing they got there. He dropped a bomb on her, you know? Yeah, really. Even though they’ve been in the pot this whole time, But he waits until now to say, I just want you to know, in the past, I’ve dated men before. Yeah, Yeah, that’s something that probably shouldn’t come up on the honeymoon. You might wanna lead. Maybe not lead with it, But somewhere before the proposal, that might be good information.

Hi, my name is Carlton and I’m bisexual. You probably don’t want to start that. No, but it could be in there. You need to bring it up. Sexuality and yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So, of course you know, she was really hurt. She had to take some time to really thinking. I think she had made up her mind that she wasn’t gonna move forward with him, But she at least wanted toe have a civil conversation with him, But instead of him, you know, just listening to her and just having a civil conversation, E I mean, he really he really turned on her, didn’t he?

Well, he did turn out. He got way defensive over that, and all of a sudden she became the bad guy in that whole situation and they’re not even on the show anymore. That was it. Well, there’s There’s one of our top four defensiveness. Whether you go here’s defensiveness when you perceive the other person is attacking you and you go straight into defense mode. The biggest problem with the defensiveness is that you don’t take responsibility for your side. That’s what causes the problems in the relationship is I just come back and point your stuff out and be defensive and I never accept responsibility for Hey, maybe I should have shared that with you.

I think Carlton should have done that. But, you know, I mean, as bad as that was, I guess what? I got this bad. I got some top five marriage killers myself. I thought you’re gonna talk about the band you got banned by Wow, I’m just playing. Dude, this place I’m for your band. I’m for All right. So you’re gonna wear the T shirt on the next one? Absolutely. Give me a better teacher. You better be on the front. Row two. Front row. Absolutely. With my rock signs up, whatever those are.

Middle finger. Just make sure you wear skinny jeans. Hey, dude, I will e Alright, I’ll make this quick cause you know, I I know how you love these top guys. What’s the top five marriage killers now? These air. You got it? Yeah. You gotta listen to these. So let’s just quick disclaimer This show we identify four marriage killers. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness. So we’ve talked about defensiveness. Jason’s list is not part of this list. Are you wearing these ones? Views of the relationship don’t necessarily match Way a way.

Go. So number five is asking your husband to leave royalty. I call that the Prince Harry effect asking your husband leave royalty that might they marriage eso That’s where these air going, all right to get your mind on. That s so these things don’t really apply to anybody except like him. Yeah, well, maybe I don’t know. So this one see if it applies to somebody when your husband comes to you and says he wants to be a woman, I like to call it the Caitlyn Jenner Effect.

All right. Okay. I can see how that can impact the relationship. Finding out your husband is a serial killer. That’s the John Wayne gacey. Yeah, she had No way, e. Have a hard time with that. Like you gotta be crazy to be a There’s something show somewhere, I’m sure. But maybe not. I don’t know. That’s another show, right? Yeah. All right. So number two marrying your adopted daughter. Who is it? Ugo? That’s the guy in Hollywood. E o. Okay. All right. So my wife came up with number one.

It makes me really nervous. All right. Okay. Cutting off your husband’s Penis. That’s the Lorraine. A Bob e don’t know where we were going with that, but I’m s I’m sleeping in another room right now. E would agree all those. They’re marriage killers. And I would also agree that none of those helped anybody who’s listening. Thio e point and e mean, we wanna talk about that on a release. A why you came up with that one? Yeah. Let’s get this out. And that was your contribution to the thing E. Jason Been making you angry lately?

Maybe I should get that. Uh oh, yeah, yeah. You told them. Not the black again, and he didn’t listen. So that’s the next step. That’s the next logical. But you’re not suggesting that to our prosper guests to do that, right? No, Never. Never, Never. All right, let’s wait. I got one more. I got one more. No, the the throwing grits on your spouse’s face. Who did? Doing grip is the Al Green affect way. Translation for our for our Caucasian audience that be like throwing mashed potatoes or something.

Just so when you’re talking about okay. You know, we’re all Southern, Eric. Oh, come on. You’re the only one, Eric. Eat your grit, Eric, that come our way. Jason’s attempt at the English accent just turns into the 1 900 number lady wearing over there. Yeah, that’s all I got. You got it. You got to start in with a phrase that get you there, bro. Somebody coming to your sucking up south. You got my dad. That’s a easy one, man. Yeah, And Pedro, I haven’t talked about Pedro on a while.

All right, Let’s get back to our top four marriage killers. We already did. Defensiveness. So let’s go. Criticism. Criticism is when you are attacking the personality with some like you never or you’re too lazy. So as as opposed to staying on the issue, you amp, it up on and you start attacking the person. So instead of telling them, Hey, can you help me understand why specific issue you keep leaving the plates in the sink or the socks on the floor? You’re attacking them. Why can’t you ever put stuff away?

You just lazy. You just don’t think about anybody else. So that’s criticism. Alright. Hi. Any of you guys criticize er’s? No. No, but, you know, I was actually having this conversation with a buddy of mine the other day and hip. I mean, with criticism you should be more like is probably where most sentences start. I mean, that’s what he dealt with with his. His wife with criticism is everything was You should be more like whatever Pastor Eric and his scary, skinny jeans. Yeah, it’s a lot of people should emulate that.

You can, but no, I mean often imitated. Yeah, often duplicated. Yeah. There you go. What about you doing hashtag trademark copyright 2000 way? You know what I probably did that years ago? I would say where I’m just like, why can’t you do this? Why can’t you be like that? Why can’t you this and and I felt, and I guess, because I had the expectations of what marriage was supposed to be, and so because it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I felt like I had to pick up the slack in all those areas.

Like, Why can’t you fix things around the house? And you know what? Forget that now. It’s just like That’s just he just don’t do it like get a handyman like That’s easy. You know, I don’t need to criticize him. Just take him for what he is and just know how toe fix it. You know, easy. That’s good. So keep it on the issue. Criticism is when we get off the issue and we attack the person. Uh, next one is contempt, and John Gottman says this is the number one.

Asterix Asterix! Exclamation point. This is the deal where once you get to contempt, it is tough to pull back from that. So contempt is basically statements or non verbal behavior stuff that basically shows I’m at a higher ground and your lower is put downs. It’s disrespect it’s mocking is leading to is like an emotional abuse type thing or not. It can be. It’s just that idea. If you’ve ever talked with a couple and one’s talking and the other is just rolling their eyes like they’re basically saying, Do like your perspective is invalid.

I’m at this level. You’re at a different level and it’s tough to come back from that. That makes sense. I mean, I don’t know. I mean, I assume like you would pick up on that when you were dating that person. That because a lot of time you can you can have a personality. Some of that stuff? Yeah, sometimes. But I think you could hide some of it. And I think other places it could be masked. So this is I don’t think I live there. But you know, I like sarcasm, and I like making fun.

And sarcasm is right on this fine line of you can. You can come across as contempt or being arrogant with sarcasm, like you’re making fun of them because they’re really stupid in your way. So you listen to the show. That’s me. Every show. Oh, so I have contempt towards you. Such what I’m saying? Well, e need to repent of that. And here’s how you fight that with appreciation. So, Jason, I appreciate you. I love your top fives. When you bring them your your perspective is good. I am looking forward to my band T shirt. Really?

Not even leases buying them for you. Come on, I’m for you. I’m for you. So that’s that’s contempt. Eso we’ve talked about defensiveness. We’ve talked about criticism, contempt. The last one is stonewalling and it’s basically withdrawing. So you’re avoiding contact and engagement with them and that person feels ignored or invalidated and you’re basically just like, you know what? I ain’t got time for this. And so I’m gonna get you know, I know couples that get in a fight and you see them. They’re like, we haven’t talked in three days.

Somebody’s stonewalling when they won’t even give you a good morning. They’re not looking to repair. So, out of all four of these, I mean, you counsel a lot of people. Is there like one of these that you really just see the most? Uh, no. I think there’s a combination of all of them, but I would say I agree with Gottman. When you see a level of contempt with a couple is a hard to get the one you know, get them back in the same place because I think we all will lean one way a little bit.

We’ll have a tendency. So this is quiz time. So of those will take contempt out because we’re saying that’s the worst one. So if criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, what is your tendency when things aren’t going well, start with Jason. All right. I mean, you know what? I kind of I would probably say a little defensiveness, but probably more so stonewalling where I just kinda I kind of draw back a little bit and get quiet, But I also don’t like things undone. So sometimes I get defensive and push it a little bit harder, so it kind of depends on the on the moment, but I would lean more towards stonewalling a little bit, kind of withdrawing, So that’s what I got. Cool.

Yeah, I would have to actually agree with that. I will shut down. And I’m not saying anything on Ben. I’m gonna go off to my closet. And if I’m if I’m in a good place, I’m gonna go pray. But if not, then I’m just going to completely shut down and just, like, go somewhere and close the door. There you go. They’re not Lisa. What do you got? I definitely shut down. Definitely. Stonewall Jason is defensive. Then he shuts down way, Had a realistic expectation, Doesn’t necessarily endorsing a super defensive.

And then he shuts down. What are you talking about? Way? Yeah, that’s a funny e. Okay, there, Ugo. She actually defined that better for me. Where? I guess I have both at the same time. Did say you didn’t say both. Defined the better. Good. That’s it, man. That’s my helmet right there. That’s what I’m talking about. I would lean towards stonewalling if any, because I’ll probably engage a little bit, but if I think it’s foolish and I’m just gonna go be quiet, I got timeto I like peace and this isn’t peaceful, so I make my own piece somewhere else.

But I think the other thing we got it, we got to recognize it’s good to be self where we’ve got to recognize where our pain points fit in these and so and where our spouses that So if our spouses being defensive, we get frustrated because we think, Well, they just think they’re never wrong and you’re just always right. But it may be there, just insecure and already feel bad about themselves. And so acknowledging wrongdoing is just heaping mawr junk on themselves. And so it may be coming out of a place of hurt.

And that may not. And then if you think about stonewalling, so when we withdraw and we get quiet, if you have a spouse that already has, like abandonment or rejection issues, that’s going to kill them because their biggest fear their biggest pain point you’re doing to him by withdrawing. So you need to be aware of where your spouse is. Adding these for some stonewalling may not be a big deal, like they both may get quiet for a while. Come back three hours later and they’re fine. So is it worse toe?

Have a couple that matches like two defensive people are too defensive or to stone Wallers? No, I think I think the worst is when your tendency feeds into your spouse’s greatest fear of wounded nous. Because, like I said, I know some couples that don’t resolve conflict real well. They both kind of stone walls, so they just they just disappear. One will go. You know, she goes to the mall shopping and he throws on ESPN or something. But when they come back later that they don’t let it hang for days, They come back later that day and one of them will be like, Hey, what do you want to do for dinner?

And then they like they’re fine. I’m not saying that’s would be the ideal, functional way to handle conflict, but because they’re both fine with the system they have, it actually works pretty good for him. I got but if one doesn’t work, so I would lean more towards. If your tendency kind of exposes your spouse’s greatest fear wounds, there’s gonna be a lot more volatilities that makes sense of that. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, those air those aerial, right? I mean, I mean, you deal with those pretty much every day, whether it’s marriage or work or whatever.

So there’s a good to know. What book is that? Yeah, I don’t remember which book is in. He talks about him a lot. He’s written a bunch of books, so but if you just If you just Google John Gottman, G O T. T M A N and or the Four Horsemen or something like that. So let’s give him quick the countermeasure. So if criticism is the issue, then what you need to do is be specific about the issue, not criticize the whole person, right? Don’t attack the person.

Be specific of the issue. If contempt is the problem, then you need to do what I just did with Bubbles with his communicate appreciation on. It’s a regular Lois. Now he’s gonna go home with warm feelings about me and not this ideas of contempt. If it’s defensiveness the way you combat that is, take responsibility when the other person present something that’s not the moment to be defensive, hear them acknowledge. Take responsibility for the issues you have, and then you can apologize and move into a better place.

And if it’s stonewalling, if you need to take a break, take a break. Take a deep breath, refresh yourself, but come back and make things better. Or if it’s getting heated and you have to take a break. Didn’t say, Hey, I’m getting too overwhelmed emotionally to do it Well right now, how about we take a break and let’s talk about after dinner. Let’s talk about it tonight at nine, and that gives a person at least a place to come back to. So that’s how you counter measure it, man. Awesome.

All right, thank you all So much for joining us. And again, if you have any questions and those into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com and thank you all again. Take care. It was always warm feelings for Eric.

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