[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Overcome an Affair (Episode #29)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is the relation shot where we expose pop culture and provide couples with riel relationship advice. I’m toy it. And with me, I have Eric way. Have an extra person in here. Lisa. Lisa. Okay, look, I gotta go home with her. So? So you can’t give her the bubble in its Let’s go with the eggplant. That Zack player. All right, that’s fine. Do that. I’ll go with that. Welcome, Lisa. We’ll be on our best behavior. Yeah, yeah, of course we will. All right. So I got some for you guys today before we get to questions.

We used to go to questions all that. But I got something for you. We got ST Patty’s Day right around the corner, right? You see how you guys were up on your ST Patty’s Day stuff? All right, You ready for some saint? Wrong green? That’s one of the answers. Green toy. This was for you because you did so bad last I five no less, right? Yes. You’re doing toy toy. Get in here. Here we go. First question. What is the traditional ST Patrick’s Day food, is it?

I’m gonna give you multiple. Good. Okay. Isn’t cod and fries or chips, Whatever they call it. I don’t know what they call it. Liver and onions, Corn, beef and cabbage are chicken and rice. What is chicken and rice? We got chicken. Arise already. When you get in Frosted Lucky charms They’re magically delicious. I don’t know. That’s what I got. I’m ago. What did you guys right? I did corn, beef and whatever that was Toia, man, he’s got one up on your way back to their matchup. This is like a fair match.

The first ST Patrick’s Day parade was held in Dublin, Ireland. Edinburgh, Scotland. New York City are Auckland in New Zealand. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. Scotland. Scotland. I mean, since his Irish I’ll go Dublin. You got one about Lisa. Get leads to get it on this. I think New York City she got you on that way. Do you have facts? They cheated. That was insider info on the way. Yeah, they were late. That’s whatever saving her the answer is Yes, sir. Of course. All right, here we go.

What color did ST Patrick’s Day or ST Patrick? Sorry is what color did ST Patrick wear? Blue Green? There’s a green, Eric. Red or orange? Uh, thick wood. Green broke. All right, Finally, I have to say Green. Yeah. You getting the gifts on this? All right. It is blue actually started. Go, go. You can go. So why we do green if it was blue? Well, actually, he was blue and they started the green. They switched it because they had to do with, like, some plain Patrick today with their independence and all that.

So they switched Ireland to say, Yeah, because there’s green and Irish flag. I think that Scotland started to get off that I blew. All right, you’re stuck him? I thought you met post liberation that I went green. Specified blue for sure. All right, All right. Well, let’s see so far what we want. Okay, we owe none. Zero ST Patrick. What we see I gotta do Now. You got me thinking I got to give you all the background on this stuff. Saint Patrick himself. What was his nationality?

Russian, British, Irish or Scottish? British say Scottish man is British. I’m sorry, Teoh. All right. Last one say Patrick is credited with driving cheap across Ireland, driving snakes out of Ireland, driving an ox cart across Ireland or driving Miss Daisy going to go with C C. Which you go Car, you go ox cart. She goes sheet driving snakes out of Ireland. I don’t know. Go figure that snakes. But I got Are there snakes there? How do you drive snakes? So I don’t It’s probably a fairytale. Whatever.

It’s question Number five got it wrong. Going up. Next time you’re gonna have a list, make it good. Just own up and you only get right. I think it’s pretty good. Two out of one. But it’s just poor questions, all right? When you have a horrible 55 when you’re good, I’m trying to help you through. Yeah, my wife here, like this is a lot I get. All right, all right. So let’s go into the question. So we do have a question from listening. All right, that is from Josh.

Josh is in little AM, so his wife, Tabatha, is worry. She doesn’t worry Bunny about everything. It worried. Bonnie Money. Yeah, Anyway, she’s a worry bunny about everything. I think it’s because she’s always nosy and involved with other people’s business. I can understand wearing, but I don’t want to deal with her having an emotional breakdown over other people’s problems. Her girlfriends feed the worrying and they get all together having these meetings just to worry. What can I say or do to make her stop acting that way?

I’m gonna say, Josh, you need to take control, man like like like make it toe where she can’t She doesn’t have time to worry about what everybody else has got going on. She’s so busy and wrapped with you that she was just like, I don’t care what you got going on me and my man over here we are good. I start with where you don’t want her in his business, either. Like she’s wearing me out when they’re worried. Better go doctor friends. Maybe that’s what her friends, they’re all talking about.

Josh, that me could be, Yeah, I means a strange question for sending in the questions. That’s what I’m thinking. I think there’s two mil facets today. There is. It isn’t So let me I’ll go like 57 different angles. Okay, Josh, it could be this. You never communicate with her. And so she is worrying because she doesn’t know what you’re thinking what the details are. None of that stuff. So maybe it’s a relationship issue. It could be. You communicate fine, and she just worries about everything. So is this a spiritual faith issue?

If you guys are believers so she not trust God? Ultimately she think it’s in. Is this a pain issue from the past, where stuff always goes wrong and because that I’m always assuming the worst and she just pessimistic, Is it legitimate worry? Is it false? Worried? There’s just too many angles. I would say there’s a job before you switch over to Kate, 1048 oclock on Tuesday mornings, I would say Hang on a second. He just cost us a listener with Josh. But that’s Is that even a radio station?

Yes, is still a radio station. It’s probably okay. Go ahead. No, no, no. I guess it’s still ready to see Jason name. Are you sending people? Other places grow. So why so So Basically what we mentioned last week when you send in the questions, he’s a good quote. I like your question just But when you send in the questions maybe a little background with the questions help because you’re right way too many places to go that we don’t know about here. But I don’t think you’re going to really get her to stop acting that way.

Based on what we’re seeing here, there’s a lot of ways. I mean, like you said, there’s a lot of ways you can go with this, so that’s a tough When I’m with you. Let’s give let’s at least give a few pointers. So, Josh, try sitting down with her, maybe having a regular time once a week to communicate with her about what’s going on, the relationship. Identify. And if there’s stuff, she if she’s a planner and you’re not, maybe that’s why she’s worried to maybe in playing together.

If it’s a bunch of other people’s business, then talk about Hey, what are some ways she can create a little distance or boundaries if she needs to stay off social media? If she carries the weight of all her friends and their emotional issues, that may be talking about ways she can process that veteran disconnect from them. Maybe she got unhealthy friendships, and so maybe if she’s got toxic friendships, maybe there’s a way to dial back their access to her. Those maybe some practical. Any other practical. Maybe, Maybe just get into.

It’s possible cause some people love to take on other people’s problems problems because they’re trying to cover up their own. Right. So maybe just get in the conversation of Is there deeper issues going on with the with his wife that maybe we need to deal with. And she maybe she could be using it just to cover that up. So So dig deeper into That’s what I’d say. Toy. What? You got anything on there? Look it. What could he Dude, are you a worrier? Um, no, I’m not, but I’m going to stick to what I said the first time.

You need to make sure you are feeling her up. Take her out. Treat her good. Are they married? That’s why I’m just thinking. I don’t want to go out. Don’t want she worries too much. Are you paying for this gas on the way home? What if it rains and I don’t have an umbrella? No, no, no. Tell her to shut up. Grab. If this is your wife, like, just sweep her off her feet like do that And I’m telling you will toys on hand today it is.

Are you Are you hoping your husband listen, there are in what? Her and be like. Shut up, woman. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure. She may be worried. I don’t know. Did you brush your teeth? Do you have the Corona virus? I don’t know what’s going on. I just can’t I can’t now She’s like that, you know? I mean, but I’m just saying pull her in, shut her up, take your wife and be like, Come over here. Don’t worry about them. People look at me. So I gotta ask Lisa Like if I says shut up, baby, you know, have todo Yeah, yeah, I don’t know.

I don’t know if that how would you know that might not work for me, But get over here and let’s go out and forget about all those people that would work. OK, The attention So do sort of What Toys eg really? Shut up. You know your wife, she wants you to be aggressive. Be aggressive. I’m scared of toy and I am too. Let’s Let’s just move on from this. Yes, I get nervous over here. All right, so I think. Oh, email. If you have any more questions, make sure that you send those into the relation shop and that it s H O P at power 77 radio dot com, and we’ll answer your questions.

Good job. You did it well to that. And you have to come in and rescue you. Those answers, right, but well done on that. So here’s where we are today. In past episodes, we took some time to talk about 10 steps that lead to an affair, which may have been helpful for some people to avoid finding themselves there. But now, today we won’t talk about what do you do if you find yourself in one? If this has impacted your marriage, you’re either the and we’ll just assign words.

So it’s easy to talk about your either the offender or the victim even know nothings, always one person and not anybody else, but just for clarification. Whether you’re the offender of the victim, how do you overcome an affair? That’s what we want to talk about today, and so I have a few thoughts on some keys. I think to this process I don’t really like a seven steps to overcoming an affair. 15 steps because everybody’s different. I mean process different based on the kind of affair, how we are our past wounded, this all that stuff.

So I’d rather throw out just some things that I think are key within the process. And then we kind of talked about since we’ve mentioned before, this is something that has visited all three of our marriages in different ways. And so we’ve walked through it on both sides, and we’ll give a little bit of personal experience. But one, I think at the very beginning, when you find yourself either it has been exposed and you’re the offender of the victim to me, communities huge. What do you guys think?

Oh, absolutely. I mean communities big on all kinds of faster but community that that’s where the accountability is gonna come in and all that. So, like you said, there’s so much dynamic too, how the affair occurred as Faras recovering from it. I mean on you know, the the side of the wood. You coming a perpetrator? That what you call fender offender a perpetrator Pressure? I don’t know. What do you want to call you a defender. Okay, Yeah, that works out. I’ll take. But on the offender side of you know, there’s accountability there, things that led to that.

So having that community, Teoh, you know, basically have your back or somebody that you could be open. And I was with the rial with and they’re real Back with you is huge as far as that stuff go. So yeah, community is I don’t see how it could be done without community. Cool. So what? What, you mentioned accountability being one because I think the are pushback on it. Right is our pride. Shame is, how are people going to judge us all that kind of stuff. So at some point, you know, both sides Just get over your pride, get over the shame the way that you’re gonna find healing in right off the bat.

Your everybody gets defensive in those right out the bat, Whether you are the offender or the victim in this thing, everybody gets offended. Offensive of why it’s your fault. Nobody looked at there Selves right off the bat. There’s a big defensive things, so that’s a big thing. I think we’re Community comes in, is being able to pull those people aside on both and start talking some reality of how you ended up that way instead of just the volatile stuff that could come out of it initially and and, uh and so, yeah, I think that’s a big part of starting that process, for sure.

So what about you community? It wasn’t involved. Not involved? Oh, it was very much involved. And it’s crazy because, you know, you had some people on one hand that are just like, you know, the Bible says you can do this or you can leave, you know, And then you have other people that are like, No, let’s let you stay in there. You fight So it’s with that. But with community, it’s like no matter what I was thinking, I knew that I had people I can talk to, people I can lean on through it.

So it was very important. But speaking of community, that makes me think of some of these celebrities. So and it’s like they now us, you know, we’re not in front of cameras every single day. We’re not in the tabloids, right, but think of like the pressure that they’re under where It’s like the whole world is in their business and cameras air in their faces. And most of them will, of course, just in in divorce because of just the pressures of the world. But then I look at, you know, Beyonce and Jay Z. You know, they stay together, and her release was that whole eliminate album, you know?

And then you were for it Eliminated. She kind of talked about Becky with the good hair toy with a good head on, and then Jay Z he had an interview where he actually confessed and just talked about how you know he didn’t He didn’t like knowing that he heard his wife and seeing her cry and knowing that he was the source of that hurt, you know? And look, now they’ve worked it out, you know, on. And then we have Kevin and a Nico heart. So of course he had He cheated when she was pregnant, and they they worked it out.

He was very open and transparent, and they’re still together. And then we have ah, Bill and Hillary Clinton. They’re part of the e I call Bs. On that way, they the other two, it sounds like I have. Have you repented? I have forgiven on our are active in their relationship. Here we go. Come out of Bill and Hillary. Are is better for our power moves If we don’t divorce, they got no relationship. No, Look at you, please. They have stuff behind. Closed way. Really? No, no. That’s been a business relationship for 25 years.

Clinton’s one more. One more. So we have Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union. So they dated for some years, you know? And then they supposedly took a break and he ended up having a baby with another woman. And in the same year, they got married. Wow. All right. No, no comment. Crickets. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Get a job. Well, clearly he did something. Obviously she was hurt, but she made a decision to move forward the relationship anyway, So there must have been forgiveness. There must have been talks about boundaries, that kind of stuff.

That So I’m saying that that looks like a relationship. Okay. Who had the kid s o? The baby came from where the relationship a woman next out without his works are next episode Mommy and Daddy love each other Is that what? You know what? Okay, I lost it all. Okay. You know what a talkative. So I’m trying to do that come from the affair? Yeah. Is that okay? So that came from their friends. How do you deal with that? That’s a tough one to recover from. Yeah, they weren’t married at that time.

They were there. They were in a relationship, But they okay, I got you. Well, but that’s gotta happen. I mean, you know, how do you recover from that one where you were married and you had an affair and they the get pregnant? However that works. I’ll tell you how that happened. Jason Thistle is another key. I think so. Community is one key. If you find yourself in affairs, hit your relationship. Gets some good people the right people right around you to help right through it. That’s accountability.

That’s encouragement. That support. I think in other pieces. Forgiveness. There’s got to be true, authentic forgiveness from one to the other to actually walk that out. We’ve talked about forgiveness on an episode before, and so but But you’ve gotta You’ve got a really release the other person you can’t hold him in prison for the rest of your relationship and expect to move forward and and got to work that out with. You guys agree with that? Oh, yeah, most definitely. So I’ll be releasing that person, basically, because you’re gonna get kicked back. What?

I don’t want to let him off the hook, right? I mean, that’s that’s what people think of when, sure, going to release that is that now they’re going to get away with what they did. I don’t want to let him do that. So But really, do you find in your in your counseling session whatever that looks like counseling, this kind of kind of thing? Do you find that the people that hang out that that won’t release like that does? I mean, I seem to see that becoming bitter, toxic, all that it actually make things worse up the road.

I assume I think that’s every relationship, right? That all that the famous quote I don’t know whoever came up with it cause, you know, it gets attributed everybody but right that marriage is a union of two great for givers kind of thing. But you have never heard that always Well, then I say Hashtag, Eric. Trademark 2020. Somebody said it, not me. But marriage is all about forgiveness. Sometimes little things, sometimes big things. But you’ve got to give up the right to keep bringing it up again and move forward.

So I think that’s one then then I think another key. He is the rebuilding of the trust. All right, How do you rebuild trust once something’s happened? Yeah. So I take that one. Okay, so what I can tell you from my own experience rebuilding the trust man, that was hard. But, um, it was it’s funny. Now for those of you that that read your bible, then you know the story where you know, the, um, Israel lights were traveling in the wilderness, right? And so I remember when we decided Ahmad and I decided that we would fight for our marriage, and it was I would want to hold onto that hurt and not let it go and just keep bringing it up.

I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you did this. And then he looked at me and he just said, Do you want to circle the wilderness for 40 years. Or do you want to go to the promised land now? Oh, now biblical. You’ll be like, No, I want to march around our house seven times a Jericho moment in your life. But it’s like so yeah, my flesh is like Do really? But the spirit and me was like saying that I don’t want Teoh. I don’t want to start.

I don’t want to hold onto this for longer than what I have to like. I know God has something big for us. And if I hold onto this hurt in this anger, we’re not going to get there anytime soon. Eso that for me was what it took for me to say, OK? And we delve into our word every single day and had check check ins on each other. Like how are you feeling? What are you going through? What are your thoughts? Where are you right now? Like that?

That’s what we had to do. Did I answer your question or did I brand, You know, you got You know what? I Sorry, Fell asleep. Is that what you’re doing? You counseling? Okay, That was good. That was good. No. Yeah. I mean, I’m impressed Because people can’t do a lot of people hang on to that. I think people hang on to that stuff because, really, if I let go of that bitterness and stuff, then I got to start dealing with me. And so it gives me that crunch.

It gives me that it’s almost going like your bitterness becomes your security because you don’t want to deal with you. So I’m gonna hang on to that. So props to you, man. Good. Yeah. And I think the one rebuilding trust, I think part of what will help the victim to forgive is if the offender is willing to do anything and everything to rebuild. Trust. How open are you willing to be? You know, password. You know, we’ve talked about before. I believe all that stuff should be open in the marriage anyway.

But are you willing to call everywhere you stop? Are you willing to take pictures of where you are? And some people be like treating me like a kid? Know that you broke trust, right? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust? I think that that helps the victim threat give and move on and let’s face it to there’s gonna be some of these relationships that don’t work, right. Like an affair is gonna happen is gonna break him up. That was my situation. And so even taking that trust into the next relationship, you know, because now, now the things that got us there in that, you know, the trust, lack of trust, whatever things that got us there, you’re gonna carry that into the next one if you don’t deal with it.

So So that’s why I like with me and Lisa Way dealt with stuff early, right? Fairly early. I mean, it took us a little bit to kind of kind of get our heads back on a little bit. But we dealt with that trust early because what would happen is initially we start reacting the way we would have been our in our previous marriages. Right? So building that trust is huge, huge, even just moving forward into another relationship. If the 1st 1 unfortunately don’t work out. So I think that’s a good key right there.

So you said evaluating how he got there writing That’s a key to it. So this is for you and Lisa both. What? As you guys evaluated and talk with each other, What did you come up with? She’s scared to talk. She’s seen what you’ve done to me. She nice, You see? Of course. You something in me that just feels bad that I did it to you while she’s here. Nice. 100%. I like her weight way. Yeah. All right. All right. So what was your question to get question Waas.

You talked about you both evaluated. How did we end up here? From our past marriages to us having an affair together. So what were some of the awareness? Maybe this will help somebody listening to maybe do a little more self awareness for themselves. Yeah. You want to take that one first? Well, I a big thing is forgiving yourself. You have to forgive yourself before you can move on past all that into the new relationship or not even a new relationship. You have to forgive yourself, no matter what is whether when you’re the perpetrator or what. Okay.

Said offender. You’re So what? What else? Lisa, did you as you evaluated? How did I end up here? Looking back. What did you say? We have to make sure in this relationship that were intentional in this area so we don’t end up in a similar communication is huge. Even when it’s not easy. No, that’s good. That’s the key part through when it’s difficult. Instead of choosing the path of least resistance which is not communicate. And then now we have This is yeah, a lot of things build up when you don’t talk. Yeah.

What can I say that? Yeah. So I don’t know. We can talk to the producer after, but maybe we just swap Lisa Jason. Okay. Yeah, yeah. If she can bring, uh, start telling my wife bubbles that way. I won’t do that. Mr. Bubbles earlier alone if she could even bring a mediocre top five were good. Really? The one that you couldn’t answer Pretty good. I think that’s good. Take another key. And we’ve talked about this in an episode as well. The idea of Greek grieving and grief in a relationship.

But I think you have to grieve because when you have a moment like that, whatever picture of relationship you thought existed is now gone. I thought we had the perfect marriage. I thought we had a marriage where this would never happen or, well, you don’t anymore. So how do you grieve? The loss of of the picture usedto have in order to move forward, I think is a huge part of the country. And that’s probably I would probably go on to say that people don’t agree, really, like they should, because it’s that bitterness of stuff that that they hang onto.

But the grieving I agree. That’s used. What? What did you go through? Toy? I mean, what did your grieving look like? You know what? It’s funny that you ask that because what I was looking for was a step by step on what to do. Like, how do I get through this? Somebody give me a book to read, so I know. OK, today I need to be doing this tomorrow. This this is missed. And then I was looking up a marriage. Like what? Of those retreats? The heavy duty ones where you’re there for, like, a weekend.

The perpetrator retreat for that and I don’t care much. Drag him there so that we can, like, get to the bottom of this. Like I just wanted a list so in that what I realize is that my journey was gonna look different than everybody’s journey. Looks totally different. And that was where I just had to say, You know what? I had to just drop everything, literally drop everything and just go to my knees like that was all that I could do. Like there wasn’t anything any specific person could tell me because it was something I had to go through with God first and then go to a mind that’s ago.

You bring up a good point because it will you You said there your your instinct was to drag into my perpetrator. Common thought the intensity of that was your All right, this is This is my question for pastor either. Is that what you see? Do you see a lot where? Where people what their their behavior, I guess, Or the problem of the communication. I’ll say in the marriage that got them there, their instinct is to go right back to their and I’m just going to drag him to this.

And I’m just gonna No, I think you see that a lot. I think what you see is what we all deal with which is when I’m in pain. I want to find the thing that’s going to get me out of paying the quickest. So they think if I could just get him to this retreat, it will fix them. It’ll fix everything, and then we’ll be good, I think is why people desire to go there, and a lot of times they’re just not ready. The the offender may not be ready to repent.

Cut it off, do some of that stuff so it would be a waste of money and time. The person is not ready to forgive and try to move forward, so it’s a waste of money and time. But I think the idea is this is painful. I want it fixed now. So where can I take him? Let me go! One rial short, quick thought on this whole idea of rebuilding trust and in the name of transparency and honesty. Sometimes the victim will ask a 1,000,000 questions of the offender details on everything because they just need to know everything.

And I always tell couples on, Lee asked, as Muchas Laura’s little Aziz, you need to know to move forward because you can’t unknown whatever you know. And sometimes we’re like, they need the details. Where were you? What did you do with them specifically? And what did they do to you? And and then, pretty soon, yeah, you got all this information and it was in the car. Now you got to get rid of the car. I met him at a Holiday Inn every time you drive by. Ah, Holiday Inn, and you can’t even look at it.

Well, one time we met at Denny’s. Now you can eat it. Then you start creating all these different environments where it’s like, just know enough of the details you need to know in order to feel good about moving forward and avoid all the rest of it. Because this is gonna put you in a bad position. I like that as a good. That’s right. That’s right. Well, thank you all so much for joining us. So if you have any questions against in those two d relation shop at power 77 radio dot com.

Thank you so much.

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