[THE RELATIONSHOP] Ways to Resolve Conflict in Your Relationship (Episode #28)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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I think this is the relation shop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice. I’m toy and I have Eric and Jason have any questions. Send those into the relationship at power. 77 radio dot com Way Got one for you from Tina. That toy. You could take this one. You can take this one out because this is for the men. Oh, we’re answering Tina toys out. I back. Alright. Subpoena from Dallas says there’s a quick question for the men. I have an aggressive personality that always starts Good right there.

I haven’t a crest of personality, and the guy like is a little laid back. Is it wise to try to put a little fire in him so that he could be more confident in making decisions? Uh, maybe toy. It does need to get a first, like she’s trying. She’s trying to simplify something super complicated. Yeah, exactly need to bring one of these question people in studios going could have on ongoing dialogue because I got a lot of questions for Tina when she says she’s quote aggressive or whatever asserted Whatever right?

She just mean, is she bossy it see selfish? Is she controlling? Or is she just a little more assertive than having a dude who’s a little more laid back? That could be a good mix. The problem I find a lot of times is you got someone assertive who then find some level of chemistry, even though we debunk their compatibility with somebody who’s a little more laid back and it fits. Good, right? But then there will be moments in times and situations where then you get frustrated that they’re just not more take charge and assertive, and it’s like, No, you can’t love it in 80% of the time, but then conveniently when you want him to be assertive now you’re mad that they’re laid back eyes.

If they weren’t laid back, the two you will be butting heads with each other. And if Tina was here, I’d say, Have you had relationships with other people who are strong willed or bullheaded and have that go not didn’t go? We fight all the time. Yeah, Tina goes off on your we know the problem, right? Yeah. Yeah. So here’s my problem. All right. With this with this question, Tina. So we’re not they’re not what you gotta say tomorrow, like Okay. She was assertive. I’m trying to be more confident for Tina Fey, so I probably critical and condemning coming from the chemist.

All right, so here’s what I’m thinking on this. She Well, she just likes him. I don’t even know for dating yet or anything like that. But if you try to manufacture something now and then get in a relationship later and then get married, it’s not gonna is fake now and then all of sudden exactly what the pastor talked about, All the rial starts coming out, and it’s not is not as fun toe to try to manufacture this confidence. I mean, he either has it or he doesn’t.

You either like it or you don’t. I don’t You can’t manufacture. So that’s why I say, like she she took this gigantic, multifaceted question. Tried to make it simple because it may not be being laid back does not mean you don’t have confidence, right? Those may not be in s so I don’t know if this guy’s just laid back but confident. Who can make good decisions? Or is this guy indecisive? Right? Is this guy super passive and insecure. There’s too many elements to this. So when you write to the relationship, give us, um, back stories that would give us a little more details.

Is he insecure? Impassive? Is he confident? And laid back is the What is your assertive me? Maybe he could weigh in on that. Yes, eso in the short probably wouldn’t manufacturer right enough with the information we have with the information we have way bring toy way. I’ll do what? Jason, right? Oh, yeah. Toy. Tina, Look, look, look, So you can not change him, right? But I love what Eric brought up is when you say that he is like a brother to go in detail because I’m like, yeah, it’s he very passive or what I like to call it is is he a jelly back, right, Really?

So jelly like racial slur know Ellie back is a man that you can control that has no backbone at all, so that we can not lead at all. Now we’re gonna copyright Toya’s Simmons that whatever you should get. Alright, Jelly Simmons. Trademark copyright 20 years ago. Yes, so But I have a feeling he’s probably not a jelly bag. Because if you are a type A type woman you probably wouldn’t even want to beat, you probably wouldn’t be with him. Unless you think you’re gonna be able to change him right where she likes to be in control of everything mad later because he can’t write.

That’s true. But so my thing is, if he’s not making any decisions now, just know that’s how it’s gonna be. And if you’re gonna be with a man like that, you need to say, Okay, this is what is gonna be I’m not gonna be able to change him. And if we’re going to make it, not only is he not going to change, but I’m gonna have to change and lower my expectations so that we can meet somewhere in the middle. But also, I feel like this is already something that you’re bringing up.

So you need to really think Is this what I want to deal with in my life in my future? So but yeah, that those That’s kind of what I’m thinking about. And right now, because we don’t know the specifics, I that’s all I can really say about that. So I think that Eric and Jason kind of covered. The rest of it is we have limited information. But, you know, I think if this Mike was not on a boom, I would drop it for you. You on? I notice I didn’t tithe.

Another question. The often those into the relation shop s h o P. At power 77 radio dot com Go. Well, here we are today when we got And today this is this is not tricky. This is not controversial. This is just every single relationship. Today we won’t talk about resolving conflict. No. Okay. And I’m out because I don’t know how to do that. So once you guys take over here, we got to show the way light with gently back way. So let’s just let’s start with conflict. Where does conflict come from?

Where does conflict come? Fair? What are some sources of conflict money, you know, Here we go. I’m glad you asked cause you know, I did a little homework. A little over finally, 497. Fowler finally does. What was your mark watching? Love is blind before you showed up today. That’s not homework. That’s pure joy. There All right. So I went found relevant magazine, not a sponsor. Right. But all right, so there were top five sources of conflict. What do you think? Number one waas? Uh, unmet expectations. I said money she got you on this one is money. Sorry.

I got I gotta think in terms of people who don’t know what they’re talking about. So I know. What’s he talking? Teoh Sex kids, right? The man money, laws and money’s want sexist to number three is work. Okay, Number four, kids number five. That was a little odd, but chores, conflict. Sure, that goes. I see why they’re saying it. But if you know anything about relationships, it’s not that I know. And that’s just that’s the, like a my life. Those are the leaves, right? You said that the right there just talking fruit.

We want talk about root s. So let me ask your in Tower on and not to undermine your homework. Done. I’m just glad you showed up with something you know made life last week. Where were you? Oh, that’s what I use. It was bad, but this was a one time daughter’s 16th birthday. I think about the 17th football game at school that my kids used to go to here is the cool thing about life. Last week, Jesus finally showed up. I got a text that said it was great.

I said, It’s been great every time. I don’t come just video you want to get So No, I think most most marriages break up because of unmet expectations over time. So, really, with all the categories you said money, sex, kids, tours there’s expectations behind. Exactly. I had expectations of how we should spend money, how often we have sex, who does what for yours, what your family looks like. Kids, how we parent. And we couldn’t get on the same page. So is usually unmet expectations. Maybe some. What I feel is needs that are not being met.

That’s usually, I think, or I see a lack of of common vision and goals being a source of a lot of conflict. That would be my thoughts. I bet you see a lot of that. Let’s let’s go personal. Last doing what has been just think of like that may be the last 34 years. What’s been the sources of greatest conflict in your marriages. Yeah. I mean, with us. You know, any time there’s a blended family, there’s gonna be a little conflict because, you know, there’s the way you do things the way she does your kids, which are phenomenal.

And her kids with your wack. Yeah, honey, that you can send your comments to the relationship vehicle. That was hype. Okay, I get you. No, but it yet. So there is There is a way. Well, I mean, course we talked about this before. There’s there’s the way I do things the way she did, things that we got to get used to. There is baggage that you’re bringing in the creates conflict. So there’s so yes, there are in the merging of families. There’s always going to be a little bit of conflict, but, uh, but we’ve talked about the intentionality, and that’s probably the key that everything we talk about is being intentional with that.

So that’s how we’ve been able to come through that. So, what do you got going? Jason never fights. You know that We have a really I’m gonna say all of those, Really, But in the last. But I mean, I think we’ve cleaned it up a lot. So, like what? Number one was money. So money. And, you know, Ahmad has always been entre newer, you know? Always been in that area. So for us, that was kind of an issue of we had to kind of figure out. OK, we need a budget this way.

We need to do this, do that. You know, sex. I mean, I feel like that’s every married couple where we’ve had that issue where I need the work on that and be intentional way. You need a lock on your door? Yeah. Okay. Good. That she lots of models. Kids. You go here, knock on a door. That’s your husband. She’s in there watching cheer. So really is more, uh, I’m in the bed, and then I might fall asleep so that, you know, intentional with that was the other one.

Work, work, kids. No kids, You know, you go. Oh, cleaning chores. You know what? Resolution solved. Get the maids back. Get them. Oh, with that’s easier. No. Okay. So is there one of you a neat freak? One of not somebody who is why is very, very me, very orderly. And I’m like, Hey, I’m nowhere. Yeah, I know. You would like critical people say they’re realists. Critical. He’s already said the beginning of the show. You didn’t know what you were talking about. And now you’re messy. I mean, come on, man. You.

But some people are like slides and hoarders, right? But, see, he’s just really, really, really, really need. Remember? I told you on the pantry, everything faces the front in order. So goes through the inventory faces. What do turn labels around when you’re pissed at him? So he opened up pantry, and I can tell you that you don’t turn labels around. You still with chips in a country like he has stickers and labels in there, like chips, boxes, bags and I might move something, I might put a camp.

Where says bag? Yeah. Rebel living on the edge. So you so when you look can in the bag, I’ll So when you look him out of the bedroom, Is that what he’s doing? I can’t stand. He’s going straight up the plan to get you started. Okay. Great way to get him out hunting. When I was in the pantry earlier, I saw the the pickles were turned around. Let me get that way. That household, right? All right. So the big thing is, is parenting, is it? We have different parenting styles.

And, you know, when your kids come through the teenage years there whack, no matter what style you right there, just crazy. But when they make crazy decisions, you look, we look, I’ll say us, not you. We look at each other and start point fingers. Well, if you repair it the way I do, they wouldn’t do that way. Really think that. So our biggest conflict the last 45 years has just been parenting differences and not be able to get on the same page. Yeah, I could see that. I could see that.

I mean, yeah. I mean, any time you’re dealing with kids, that’s gonna come. Three girls, you know? Well, yeah. Three girls. That’s a whole different ball. A whole different ballgame. So should have a medal of honor or something. Three girls to get you should have something. So here’s my question. So So there’s obviously are right way to resolve conflict in a wrong way. So I got you know, we got to bring up some of our shows. Did you see? Yeah, you the mayor’s? This was that married a first guessing.

We’re not going to get any right ways as we talk about these aren’t good way. Way. So, did you see the Brandon and Taylor thing? Wait, a Brandon Taylor. You know, she was that She is the medical. I don’t know. And he had a researcher, something researching some like that. But where he just see the first conflict, Was she He snoring? She puts a camera in his face because she thinks it’s cute. He wakes up with a camera and just bream at all that in a little day cold on her all day. Yeah. Yeah.

But then, you know, I think we talked about this a couple shows ago where he went off on the crew because he couldn’t be left alone. He didn’t want to be alone To the point when they got on the bus, he is distant heard saying he didn’t want to sit by her. I mean, it got ugly. Yeah, definitely. So he still it’s like, do your married now. You signed up for reality TV show to watch your relationship, so I saw that one, right? Think so? This is this the guy that guys like anxiety issues?

Yes. Yes. This is where I have a problem with the show’s. You grabbed a dude. You nose got severe panic attacks, anxiety issues and then start shoveling cameras in his face while I was gonna happen. Come on. I mean, he signed up for his wife. Didn’t know what You can’t always know when when life is gonna put you in a position. Really? Eric was okay. I’m saying find some people that have, like, you’re saying that produced Yeah, but when you’re throwing F bombs at your wife like is her fault, that’s not really a way to risk yourself conflict.

So you’re saying throwing F bombs is is not a good way to resolve. Put that on the list. Yeah. Okay, listeners, put down number one. No f bomb. Yeah, Copyright Jason. 2020. My copy. Right. That’s good. You can have no bombs. Bombs. There you go. And then, uh, Mika and Michael so you know. So we got Brandon and Taylor where he wasted a whole day on their honeymoon being bad and pouty. And then you got Michael and Miko where Michael pretty much wasted his whole honeymoon because he’s like, I just need time and space.

It seems like they’re trying to work it out, though. They seem like he’s maybe there’s a little bit going there. Doesn’t he seem kind of that? The do do is crying. Failing? Yeah. No. Any names. I just seemed thing I think he’s I think he’s perpetrating you. Think way seem kind of offended, really. I’m going to defend it. Causes the guy who was raised by, like, his mom and 1/2 of women. No man, right? No male and Brandon to He had no male. And why can’t they get all of these women?

Well, I mean, you’re gonna be shocked at the legs. You’ll get along with her. Really? You think women get along together? You’ve never worked with a bunch of women. Well, that depends. I’m not I’m not one of those. It’s like I can’t be around all women. But some women are like that. I wonder if Tina can Oh, what A so long as you’re not passive TV. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, So you’re just saying go and live that. So when he acts like a female of your draft because he acts like a female.

But that’s all he’s ever seen. Yeah, which that’s important. And I mean, in in marriage, in relationships, Any time. Like why Eric has always talked about community. You know, that’s why you need me. That’s why if you are a man, you need men that you can lean on that is going to hold you accountable on being honest with you, Love you enough to tell you the truth because it is obvious that those two don’t have that in Zach, who we’ve talked about before. So those three, like, where are the men?

And because how are you gonna lead a woman and you’ll know what what you’re doing? Like, how are you gonna? How dare you think you’re going to get married? And you can’t even make it through a honeymoon like seriously, right? Yeah. Questions have been 25 years. I still don’t know how to lead a woman. You know that zio horn? Sask Watch leading women. What’s happened in your marriage? But whenever conflict happened in your marriage, you knew what to do. You know what I’m saying? Like you didn’t run way too much credit.

Know that? Gotta be serious because years under way we talked about this before. Like just arguing. You know, infidelity. When you deal with real problems, you can make it through. It’s just like, No, you know what to do. But see a jelly back. We’ll probably run. There’s no Eric. You are not a a stag copyright deli back is going to go into their shell and run and not want to face it and not want to stand up to it and use it up to the O. I give it so I know you over there.

I know you’ve got something. I know you got ways that we shouldn’t have to do. And here’s what I have for you. For me, this is good. You can prepare it. I brought some stuff. I gotta top 55 Mistake. 05 mistakes that we make when trying to resolve conflict. Let’s talk about the number one is we make assumptions about intentions. Do you know any time you get into a conflict you are assuming something about their intention. Even though you may not know why they did what they did, You know how we operate.

Oftentimes we want people to I kind of assumed the best of us. But then we assume the worst of them. We want people to judge us by our intentions. But then we turn around, judge others by their actions, right? So sometimes we assume we know why they did what they did without ever assuming that maybe they didn’t have a negative intentional. I know you left that there just to get at me. I know. You know, I don’t, you know. So I think making assumptions about their intention behind something you may be off, right?

So I would say Try to assume the best and listen and get some story behind us. That’s why so many Grace. Grace, give gradient that man. Imagine that. Number two, I think we get hooked. So explain that when cooked you you know, you got some buttons that certain people can push right, and your spouse will learn your buttons in your weak spot When somebody pokes us. When I say hooked, you get to a place where you just feel like you have to respond. They touch that button now, right?

It’s like, No, you don’t, man, that’s tough. hard grace person. What’s the point of learning buttons? If you can’t push him back? Well, they can push him. But why don’t you grow and mature to a place where you don’t get hooked every time they may? Okay, here’s another one. I think we sometimes easily fall into, like, I would call it a combat mentality where it’s like, Oh, it’s like that. Okay, So you immediately, once you’re there, there’s gotta be a winner and a loser. There’s no more win win.

We’re enemies now, right? S. So if you’re gonna do that, that means I gotta win. And if I win, what does that mean about you? You got to lose. You got Lou, right? And then I tell people, Didn’t You’re married to a loser? You want to win every time I like to win. OK, so you marry loser. So don’t don’t get caught up in this. Me versus you winners and losers. The goal of resolving conflict is greater connection your understanding one another. And oftentimes, if you can, healthy compromised.

Now, you can’t always do that right. And most conflict when you sit down and you can get past the emotion of it and not do that. You realize as pretty stupid. Well, we’re really was pretty real relative. What we were fighting. Absolutely. Just in your emotions. Number four is, I think, another mistake we make. We lose sight of the goal. What’s our end goal? Yeah, I married you for the rest of my life. Then the gold is greater connection. If I’m a Christian, part of the gold conflict should be.

Can got get the glory in the way that I’m operating in this thing. And both of us want to grow. And so conflict. Some couples avoid conflict cause they think it’s all bad. I would say you’re not gonna grow on intimacy if you don’t have conflict, Resolve conflict, grain. You have a chance to grow personally and grow in knowledge of them. Every time you lose sight of the angle. Don’t get so caught up in what’s going on right now that you lose sight of where you’re trying to go.

And then lastly, I think often times and conflict we never stop and evaluate the outcome. So I think we failed to kind of look back and go. Okay. We had a difficult conversation. How did it go? It’s over now. How could we handle the differ? Right? Uh, what did I need to come back and apologize? Way oftentimes have these blowups conflict. We go after each other, we move on down the road and way. Don’t stop to take inventory of how did I get here? What do I need to learn?

So I need to go make things right. Was that look like So? I think sometimes we just feel brushing it. I mean, some people think that’s resolving conflict. Let’s just brush it under the rug and it will take care of itself. Avoiding copy. Yeah, exactly. So you’re setting the stage for for scars building and and for the blow it to be wears up the road for sure. Yeah, absolutely. So I think there’s always opportunity for us to grow to maturity, become more like prize and your if you’re ever struggling with how did we get here?

And James tells us if we want to go bills where James We have had word in a while. The 1st 1 Here’s what James says. What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members. All right, so any time you’re wondering why you’re having conflict is you Yeah. No, you don’t understand. What? I did notice you. Yeah. He goes on to say you lust and do not have you commit murder. You’re envious and cannot obtain. So you fight and quarrel.

So basically, James says you’ve got stuff going on inside of you. You want some stuff for you, as the other person is impeding that are not giving it to you. So now the fights on a gun today is your issue, man. Yeah, it is true. And I mean, we the word pretty much tells her right there. But, you know OK, so I’m thinking about this thing and how to resolve conflict. And I got some five over here for you. Oh, I guess more fun back. And that’s for you.

Where’s your five? I got five things air Just five tips. These air thes air tips from bubbles. Just Teoh. You talk about yourself in the third person. Bubbles hungry now? I got people at home call me, but was he just really Okay? All right, so here we go. So here’s what I’m thinking with this. So All right, so the first thing is, if you say I’m sorry, but if there’s a But after it, you’re already heading the wrong way. Just I’m sorry. It out. Right. All right.

All right. So that’s good way. Here we go. All right, so here we go. Now, the other thing is you create. So So building up to resolving conflict is what you do before. So in other words, if you created an environment where your significant other does not feel emotionally safe, how you gonna work through a conflict if I’m holding back? Because I can’t express how I feel with you. Right? So how do you create that? May be a different different. Okay, we’ll get to that. I get to that, uh, and you have to be.

This is a tough over guys. You have to be willing to be vulnerable, right? You gotta be willing to throw it out there. Some of the stuff from the reality stuff, because a lot of conflict and the anger that comes out of it and the back and forth I mean, a lot of times there might be some unresolved hurts stuff like that that you just don’t want to mess with it. Talk with. So you got to be vulnerable. Let that out How we did. We’re at number three.

We’re all right. So far. Right, s so I endorse. All right, Glad. See? And we have to number four. You gotta look at the other. You’ve got to stop and step back and take a breath. And this is where I would say, Don’t sweep it under the rug, but take a little break because you got it. Slow down long enough to to look at it from the other person’s perspective. Right. Gotta get size. Put yourself in their shoes. Got to put yourself in their shares. All right, Number five is There’s no way you need to do this when the motions air high.

Yeah, well, you step away, take the emotions down and and then come back and let’s address some stuff. So if somebody needs to step away, that means the other person can’t be the follow, You know, your way straight in the pickles in the way. I s So I think that brings up a good point. If one of you recognizes, it’s getting heated, and I need to step away if the other one has to give them the ability to do it. But the step away er has to give the other person a time when we’re going to come back and read it, because otherwise it’s like the step aware often never step back.

And that’s why the person chases. Because I you never give. We’re never gonna talk about it, okay? It’s too heated right now. I’m gonna say some things that aren’t healthy. So tonight, at nine tomorrow, when you get home from work, whatever, we’re gonna come back and talk about it. I think that’s good. Yeah, very good through. And any time you’re in a relationship, which is all about serving, you know? So if you think of, like, how can I serve my spouse more? And how can I really help us to fulfill our purpose as a couple by serving guy?

Whatever that looks like for you, it’s like then you’re able to look at things more from God’s level and able to really see above the conflict and see the route and really get to what it is. So go 11 Last parting shot because every couple does this. When your spouse is bringing something to your attention that they have a concern or they’re frustrated with, or whatever that moment is, not the moment to then tell them what they also do Time. It’s your wife, says a. You know, be nice.

If you could put your bowl in the in the dishwasher and you go what you do, you just want Yeah, moment is never the moment to do it. You can tell them later. Yeah, but in that moment, listen to what they say. And then maybe the next night or the next day say, Hey, you know what you said yesterday. I fully here it. It’s a little frustrating for me because I feel like I’ve picked up your bull five times. Do it in a moment, I promise you.

All you’re doing is telling them that whatever they have is not ballot, and they cannot bring with us, and you’ll never be able to resolve conflicts true and for anymore, questions in those into the relation Shop at power 77 radio dot com

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