[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Be an Individual in Marriage (Episode #26)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

New episodes Tuesday at 8 AM CST. Tune in at Power77Radio.com.

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thing is the relation shop, where we take a little bit of pop culture and try to give you some advice in your relationship. So with me, I have Eric and Jason, and you have any questions to send and police in those to the relation shop at power. 77 radio dot com. And just in case you were wondering how to spell that, it is the relation shop, not relationship. So check your auto check H O P. And why do we call this? The relationship says, Listen, there’s multiple things.

One you think about relation shop, you think tools. We’re going to talk about tools than the other pieces. All the good conversations usedto happen at the barber shop, so I kind of look at it that way. That’s a relationship. We’re gonna chop it up, we’re gonna hang out. We’re going to give you some tools. Talk about what’s hot. So it’s not the relationship is the relationship, So Sounds like a cheesy pastor came over then. I don’t know, but you going todo you got a question for us.

It’s actually pretty good. Pretty pretty thought out one. Here, This is from grim. He is in prosper. Okay, here’s this question as pastors and or leader. So basically influential people in the church. Have any of you ever had to shake off some people trying to flirt or get involved in quotes with you? If so, can you explain how you handled it? Well, I had to do that today. I was looking at my skinny jeans. Pretty Wrangler. Awesome. Great. Shoot. Started getting my mind thinking about barrel racing and all kind of stuff.

That’s good. I you took me down that path. Great. That is a great question. I think that’s, uh yeah, what you think toy? I got some thoughts on it. So now you know, I’m not a pastor, but I’ve done a few things at the church. So I guess in my experience, I haven’t Not that I know if I haven’t experienced it, but I can only imagine what you would do is just recognize that number one. And I guess depending on your relationship with that person just can do you Just be honest as I look.

Uh, you just saw you looking at I see the way you look at me and then we just need to be Oh, this’ll point is not like they’ve come up to you and dumb Anything there flirty, You know, your own. Naturally, Naturally. Naturally, I would kind of avoid that person like and you know, we talked about it before, Like where I am touchy. Like I’m gonna touch your hand or whatever, and then I’ll just have to make a mental note, like from now on, I’m not touching that person.

I’m not gonna have conversations with them. One on one. I’m gonna back. Avoid. Yeah. I mean, you go much, you write that up. I’ve just always been weird to me that when you’re talking to me, you always rub my back totally playing. Not here. Here’s here’s thought. Thought number one is This is the reality of leadership. On any level is there’s ah, psychologist Dan Al Inder was written a bunch of good books. But you can check those out. Leading with a limp is one of, um um So anyway, he the idea that he’s got is that people will always he calls it eroticized, But that’s a weird word, but But they always look up to people in leadership because every one of us has a place in us where we want a savior.

We want someone who can come and tell those things they’re going to be all right. Our life’s gonna be all right. Things will be better. And so we’ll always look to leaders to be that. And so there’s always the opportunity for people to in their mind take that further with leaders. I think if you’re a leader, you’re just have to know that period and you have to guard against it, which is why you need to be working on your character if you’re leader, because if you got any issues, you’re always gonna have opportunity with people coming to use.

I think that’s number one is working on yourself and recognise it. Two, I would say knowing that have some accountability partners. So if you know yourself well enough, I find, Let’s say you’re a guy. You’re a pastor leader. Find some other men you trust. And if you ever find yourself in a situation where you also enjoy conversations with said person, have some people, you tell Hey, if you ever see me talking to so and so come by, hit me, interrupt me, text me just hold me accountable.

And then I think one of the other pieces I know when when we used to do use ministry and my wife and I work side by side, she was always the eyes four. Hey, if there’s any of these girls that who don’t have a father who now looking to you So she was always the eyes Because half the time I think sometimes guys air unaware, so she would let me know. Hey, so and so when you kind of side hugger, you know, the church side hug or whatever she hugs a little differently than other people.

So just be careful, which goes back to what you said oil, which is be careful if there’s people that are there. So So it’s garden yourself is getting accountability. It’s working on your own character. Yeah. Things I, Mommy, huh? Yeah. You You also gotta set the scene like my man Billy Graham, right? He all you write had somebody with him all the time for that purpose for it. And he knew you knew him. He knew his weaknesses when he you know, he didn’t want any temptation for there to be Tim Daschle. silly.

I heard somewhere that if if a woman ever got on the elevator he was on, he would get off. That’s right. Yeah, I myself. That’s too extreme, bro. You’re cool. There’s cameras in the elevator. But the point is, he was going to set the boundaries so far. Avoid that. So I think that’s a great question is a good hey, and I love grim for Let me tell you how he ended this. Okay? Are other riders need Teoh need to take a lesson? He said, Love you. How about that?

Yeah, way too, bro. Yeah, that’s a great question. Do you love it? So here’s where here’s what we’re going today. We want to talk about this concept of individuality and marriage. So what that means is, how do we become one, but still retain some level of separateness and individuality? Yeah, and I know enough to know that the two of you were watching your favorite shows and I’m guessing somebody on there either did this well or screwed it up. I’m leaning towards screwed it up. So talk to me way were just talking about this the other day of he said that time you, Tanya and Cindy And the guy phone That was really hard, but no hay.

How do you say it is? Doug, Spell D g B A there, Ugo. Alright, so that’s a guy from South Africa, right? And so if we’re going to talk about this individuality stuff and they’re heading into this marriage stuff in less than 30 days, probably now. So there you remember when she went off to Costa Rica? That learned. But they had that big issue of her going out with the girls having that girl. Now she needed that stress relief, but she seemed in a lot of stress related.

Anyway, you’re not giving it, Justin. Okay. All right. So she flew to Costa Rica to go to a herbalist school, right? Was that what it mean to try to learn nothing? That’s right for that. But whatever, herbal, whatever it was, it was a 30 day like school program or whatever. So here he is on his 90 day in America. So I think he was here for 30 days. Then she left for 30 days, and while she was in Costa Rica like she didn’t want to check in with him she didn’t want to call him and see how I was doing When he called her, he was like Bug and her.

She’s like every 30 days. I think he was here for a few days. Well, it off for like, yeah, 30 with 30 days that she’s gone And she didn’t want to talk to him yet. She’s like, Let’s have a baby, you know, I wanna have a baby But here you are in Costa Rica, you want I just need you for the baby. I mean, really relationship and the girls that she’s hanging out with, she didn’t even know them like that. She just met them because they were there for the same school she was dancing was a eyes when everybody’s gotten urban, their hand or friends way school there No, it is closely like healing, like really like no medicine type here.

That’s good for glaucoma s. Oh, yeah, there obviously wasn’t a line there, and she she thinks he’s controlling them and all that. Yeah, some issue, but Okay, let’s talk about this because this is the hot topic. Ah, the halftime Super Bowl, eyes blowing up about no man. So what do you think about that? Because embryos got opinion on that. Um, well, it was nice to see, you know? I mean, okay, okay. Jlo was 50 years old, right? Or in her fifties? I don’t know. She’s 50 years old, is what I’ve been seeing.

This secure is like 43 right? So it’s like, Look at their bodies. Look at how they’re still able to dance and just keep up. Right? So it’s like it’s like that. Great. So you’re saying if it would Chris Farley that you’re out there, Chris, they need to bring him back. Have Chris Farley Chippendale talk about So yes, on that hand, it’s like, cool. But then people that are saying no, it wasn’t family oriented. I mean, in my opinion, they weren’t gyrating like that like it’s I wouldn’t say It’s Latin like that’s part of the course.

Is all the Where was all the soccer moms last year an uproar because Levine had his shirt off last year with that, they were all right with him. He must work out. That guy embodies a beautiful, healthy look at the girls like okay, young girls like whether it’s cheer, whether it’s dance whether it’s ice skating, whether anything, all of their out. You know what that is, right? This whole Adam Levine and Mom’s ring uproar. But they will find them, and they’re they’re not. Now it’s basically them going.

Oh, man, I don’t want my husband looking for that, cause I mean, really, Yeah, yeah. Come on, man. You gotta I don’t know. Yeah, I guess there’s gotta be a line somewhere, but So here’s the question. Just we’re talking about individuality. You know, her and a rod, right? Are they married or about to be married? They’re about to be their backs about there. You never know. With all these celebrities, they talk about it forever. And next thing you know, they’ve been married three years and they just now had a ceremony.

So here’s Here’s the Here’s the question. How does he feel about? So here’s her expressing individuality. She got her daughter on stage with her and right. And a Rod’s at home. I wonder what he thinks right when we like to know. Yeah. Wouldn’t we like in that? I don’t know. I like to speculate. That’s the fun part is just pretend like we know you want J. Lo’s been J. Lo for all these years, you know, And so he knew what he was getting into. And, you know, maybe he encouraged her question.

How far can I push that? Well, that’s just my individuality far can I push that talk out in in my Wranglers And my well, it depends on the people, right? I guess maybe we’ll see. Let’s see if if anything comes up with those two, we’ve already seen it with Kim and Kanye, right way transit, her expression of individuality. She has now looked at the marriage and prioritize the marriage and said, Let me adjust some of my individual because we are one and saying I no longer want Teoh dress like this, you know, and then go to the White House the very next day.

I no longer want to be like this, but I’m going to do it in my own time. And don’t rush me. Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I hear what you say and I hear what I mean. There’s definitely got to be some form of individual. You don’t want to give who you are up or you don’t want the other person to change who you are and all that I get. I mean, I think the freaking out she is crazy, but I mean, there’s gotta be a little bit of a line somewhere.

That’s right, right? And so, Eric, what do you think? Like what? Any, any type of Ah, practical. I think that what we’ve already discussed shows that it probably is unique to each couple, right? Every couple has to ask themselves, How do we become one? That’s the golden marriage, yet maintain some level of into a individuality personal expression. So you have to ask the question, How much is too much time together, or how much is enough time together? When do we get space? Do we get space? How do you make the adjustment?

Let’s say Friday night’s the night that you always will go out with cut co workers and unwind. Now you get married and your spouse wants to hang out. Friday. Where do you give and take on all that stuff? How do you balance if you have different views? I think that’s the practical application for each one of us. School is in a relationship removing in the marriage is What does that look like for us is a couple. What are your expectations for individuality and for becoming one? And I don’t know.

How did you guys balance that in your marriages? Well, we honestly, I was not I didn’t really have much, so it wasn’t really hard for me. I didn’t have a your old life. I mean, i d but it wasn’t much to it. Besides, like working. And yes, I want to travel. And it was always like, I want to have somebody to travel with. And then I got married and still didn’t travel that much. So it really didn’t change too. Too much. I was one that was just coming like manna.

Modest fun. I’m boring. Like I need to follow. Have you to ride that train so before. But what would you do? What do you do before I feel like you want to talk a little bit more about that. Was Ahmad fun? Yeah, they he always had something going on. He was always knew about something going on in the in the community. He knew people just, you know, events and just I don’t know, just all that I was just like hang. All I do is go to work.

So that’s fun in the beginning. But did you ever get to a place in marriage? Like a lot of people do? Words like I don’t want to go out that much. Won’t you stay home with me? Yeah, they started this cuddle wants move. Yeah, that’s what you like. I go out. Eso have trouble with that. We did later round. We did start to have problems with that. And he’s just like, Look, I need to get out, and I’m like, Wait way had to learn how to compromise.

So which that took a few more years. So then it was like, Okay, fine. You want to go out? You go out to the bar with your boys, you go watch football. I’m going to stay here and chill. And then, you know, I had to learn how to compromise. The compromise was I want to go out and you will let me. That’s the compromise. I really that was That was it. I get it. But that is the question. So, yeah, if we’re gonna be individuals and we want to do some stuff separately, which is good because I think we talked about this past.

Show that the two extremes are on one extreme. There’s independence, which is like You can’t tell me what to do. I’m my own person. I was me before I married you. That’s not healthy. The other swing of the pendulum is co dependent, which is like I need you. You need me. We can operate outside of each other. And so right in the middle of sweet spot is what they say is interdependence, which we do depend on each other for things. But we also have some individuality and outside relationships.

And so I have a lot of friends and there’s movies named after it. Girls. Yeah. You navigate a girls trip? A boy’s trip? Do you guys take those in your marriage? No, we have not taken those, so it’s more of Okay, let me let me put it. Let me put it to you like this. So since I work, I have PTO. I have vacation and I refuse to use PTO and vacation with some girls. News on Lee because I know also fun. You boring friends way have limited time years for for girls.

I’m like, Hey, let’s have a sleepover. You know, Let’s have a girl over. Yeah, there’s yet leave like a let’s Let’s go to a hotel. Let’s have a like a staycation. People come to my house and will you? Popcorn? Oh, no, no, no, not at anybody’s house. We just need to all relax, you know, we need to get away. So if that’s the case, that’s is a girl’s true. So that’s the type of girl trip I’m talking about. But like on the movies where they’re flying, I’m not going to do all that.

Maybe I’m doing among get on a plane. It’s a real vacation with my bestie way. I like to sleep in the bed with, you know, like I’m just one of those. Like he said, he’s taking no to that. I need the my the book on Mary Down. I mean, for us, it’s a I mean, you know, guys, I don’t know the guys. Two trips. Thank you. See, here’s my problem. I don’t never have time to get away, so I like my only vacation. Time is us as a family going somewhere for Christmas or blah, blah, blah.

So if If I had time. Absolutely, Like I had a bunch of guys from college last year. They were all meeting out in California for the weekend to go golf in and just hang out. So I know guys that take, like, golf trips together on hunting trips together. I guess I’ve done that. Taking some huntress, kill me. Think about when you’re Do you have any band trips like when you’re on the road way? Can’t get along? We were practicing, you know? No, I mean, but I don’t do me any.

I’ve gone with my body’s a few times, hunting stuff like that, but I think most of it it’s like Lisa does. Lisa gets together with her high school friends or friend She’s been she’s had for since he was a kid, and obviously I trust her. It all that something. I’m cool with that because they they do these road just probably about one. So you gotta look well that thing. But when I heard you say, like she got friends from high school, the thought that popped in my head is part of the answer to this whole ball game is the quality of the relationships you have outside the marriage right there.

There’s gotta be. Do we have any rules on when you could take a guy’s trip or a girls trip? Who you can take it with? Where can you go? Do we have Okay, I’m glad you brought that up because I got way. Okay. These are todo All right? This is why you run up. That’s right. You can right into the relation shop S h o p e. They go for these five now. I mean, but you brought that up because that’s my first question is where you going?

Who you with, Right? I mean, so that’s one of your top five. That questions you have? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, because where you go. And, I mean, if my wife’s going to Italy, I’m gone. Uh, right. You know, I’m going really well, you know, So it depends away, OK, so somewhere that you’ve been longing, Teoh. Now that makes sense because of my wife’s. Like, I’ve always want to go to Paris. And I’m like, Hey, babe, I’m going to Paris with Yeah, that’s gotta be the 1st 1 off the about Who you with?

Where you go. So you know. Okay. You address that? I I’m I’m down with number one of your way. I gotta go. Sold that? Yeah. So? Okay, so why are you going? That’s a question. Why are you going? In other words, it’s so crazy around the house of the stress in the houses. But, I mean, you know, there there are some okay reasons to go, but there’s also some escaping. And what do you escaping from its interesting so toy? What’s an acceptable? Why and what’s a not acceptable wife and acceptable?

Why would be I just need Teoh go out with my girlfriends. Like, let’s say a girlfriend is going through something, so I need to pour into her and be there for her, or I just need a small little break. I’m one of those people that needs me time. Let me just get away and kind of reflect. Okay, That’s why. What’s the wrong? Why, um I’m just tired of looking at my husband. Stay in your face. Yeah, I’m in agreement. I think you like that. So actually, I’m up to three because it was really Where you going?

Who you with? Why are you going? Oh, about three. So we get so far way Didn’t even answer the who you’re with who you are. What you kind of dress that you were kind of relationship. Do you get? So here’s here’s what I’m fine with. So well, I’ll answer this time. What I’m fine with is my wife hanging with other women who share her faith and share her value of marriage. What I’m not fine with is her going to Vegas with her to divorce friends. Her one single Fred and then our other friends.

I don’t have a problem sleeping with married men. Right. There you go. That’s probably not the crew I want. You roll into Vegas way Didn’t have all those friends. I just This is just like my dad. You give me hypothetical Ugo. So here’s number four. Number four is how after No, you’re going. I mean, once a year. You also you got a girls trip every every 34 months. Come on. My eyes is too often, right? Yeah, exactly. Can I go out with my friends? So trips are one thing, but what about even during the week?

Can I go out with friends two times a week after I get better. With that, you let your wife go out with somebody named Bubbles. Um, male or female? Alright. Bubble, apparently on the only. Maybe. Yeah, sure. What’s your profession? What’s your baby? Sees a hand bubbles because she’s friendly. Bubbles A hairdresser? Yeah, Yeah, Bubbles the dancer. Yeah, but your mom let you go out with levels headache. You can’t go out with bubbles. Enic bubbles top of the morning, but not you showing out. Top five. I’m four for four in agreement and you mixed in a little British, Ugo.

Well, thanks. All right. You got one more. All right. So what are you doing? I mean, so if my wife got a trip, I’m good with it. If they go see the boys from down under, I’m not good with the thunder from down. I never know what that is. I know they about this We have toured with them. Is white light bring about? Yeah, I think that I think I saw you in your bleach blonde hair and your your ire straight pants and my stretchy pants. That was right after the mullet Waas. Okay.

What are you doing? Yeah, What are you doing, right? That’s valid. So there’s my five there. OK? Now, for the first time in the history of the relationship agreement in the five, I’m in full, you know, nothing to say. No criticism. I’m in full agreement. See me drop the mike. Did you see that? I heard. It is really just compromised, right? I mean, because it just it just is looking at, like came and card in a Kanye, You know, they I’m sure they travel separately. They do a lot of things separately, but it’s about compromise.

And then to like, I look a like my own life. And like, my son is six now, you know? So it’s like only so much I can do. And, you know, I only have the capacity for so many things. So it just depends on the season you’re in. And then you two as individuals and really, what your desires are You know where you got to know too? I mean, there’s got to be a bouncer to if you’re only going out with the girls. But you don’t spend time with your own spouse, right?

I mean, this guy Sure that balance there, but sure, individuality can go all that because that’s you know, I do the band thing. And so Lisa Lisa, she’s good with that. She That’s something I have been doing since high school. Actually, that’s pretty sad. I’ve been doing the same thing. This is gonna be your breakout year. It’s not gonna be speaking into it. There you go to iTunes, give my house, make it in 1990 to 20 happened that would be on the happy side of show on break. That’s a J lo trip.

My wife can’t go on. I mean, I already got the bubbles I want needs a pole, right? No, but she’s going with that because that’s my thing. I mean, that’s my That’s my if you want to call it my stress relief from work and all that stuff is music, so I mean, she’s cool with that. She lets me do like we got to go places the gig and all that kind of stuff, but she’s gives you that space so because I think if you don’t what starts happening if you try to mold in that person into what you think they need to be also, now you get resentment.

You got all the stuff building up that it may seem cool when you first get married, but eventually that resentment and its Yeah, yeah, that’s that’s part of marriages valuing our differences like my wife’s more introverted, I’m or extroverted. So if we’re compromising, then we’re trying to understand what each one needs. So it would not be healthy for my wife to say, Well, I’m a introverts, so you don’t ever need to go anywhere, right? It would. It would not be healthy for me to go. Well, I’m extroverted, so we need to go somewhere all the time.

What’s the bound? She she’s gotta understand. I get refreshed by people s. So if she doesn’t want to go all the times I want to, there’s gotta be some freedom to go do UFC with guys or play some poker. I mean, let’s face it, because there’s only certain things somewhat. Sometimes girls need to just talk with girls, and guys need to just talk to you. Got to do that. That’s what I encourage. While, yeah, she’s got to go to dinner with her with their girls. How do you say that?

I almost said home is, you see, they’ll have home and she’s got a girl’s way. Not my girl. Your girls are over thinking, I think over Pedro column Chica, I know what it is. You just because I did such a good English that I got it, I got it. I got a big diva. It’s alright. Sure, you know jealousy over here. What you doing? Here you go. Let me give you some stats from the research experts. John Gottman, the expert on relationships, says it’s successful. Couples spend 12 to 15 hours together each week.

This is non sleep, non TV watching. So that’s on average about 2 1. 5 to 2 hours a day, whether he said that successful couples and then he also said that one of the keys is what he calls reunion time. So, at the end of a day connecting or at the end of a week having some connection moments, even if it’s 10 minutes to just communicate and talk. So if you don’t have the time with your spouse because you’re so busy and doing other stuff, if you can key in on the end of the day connected real quickly, the end of the week connected real quickly.

That would go a long way toe creating the oneness. Why you still have some individuality. You go So and if you just don’t have time, then just take a shower together. Oh, well, another show holdover leading to another. So wait, do that. Because that way drop that. Like, I have a whole bunch of questions. I run down for another show. So when my wife in the shower, I just said You need some bubbles with that. So good. Not really good. Ever. Additional questions in those to the relation shop at power 77.

Radio back home. Yeah. Next week Showers.

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