[THE RELATIONSHOP] The Other 5 Steps to An Affair (Episode #23)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is the relation shop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with really relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. And if you have any questions you want us to answer, please send them to the relation shop at power. 77 radio dot com What’s up? You Are you ready for more questions? Yeah. No, You know, the last time we did the affair things row. So what kind of piggybacking on that? We got Jamie in Lewisville with a question. She says My husband and I have been married for 12 years and knows his behavior has changed over the last year.

When I confronted him about it, he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore. I think he’s found another woman, But I don’t know what to do. How can I save my marriage? Wow. Wow. Straight to the point saying hey welcomed every other counseling session. Sure she’s Yeah, answer this in a couple minutes. So I would say first, though, even though he says that he doesn’t love you anymore. Is he willing to actually work on the marriage? Yeah, that’s a good question, because you has he checked out sometimes when it checked out This whole I don’t love thistles.

A load of crap. This course it It was simple. Someone meet your top emotional needs. You fall quote in love. If they stop you, quote, fall out of love. Susie at the office starts laughing it to joke s’more and talking and affirming you. Yeah, your quote in love with her. So that stuff’s fleeting with the people who just think. What? I don’t love him anymore. Come on, man. That’s that’s it’s about we talk about this all times intentionality. So I think toys question is right. Does he have a new interest in trying to get back to the place because being in love is yeah, is a consequence of right behavior, not some miraculous outside of US chemistry thing that either is or isn’t.

That’s that’s That’s a lie the world’s been feeding us. Oh, absolutely, Yeah. I mean, that’s that. That was pretty straightforward to answer that. I mean, that’s that’s where you got to start with all of that, cause I mean, if you’re not willing, I mean, like you said, you probably deal with this all the time and counseling. If if you’ve only got one party that’s willing and he he just you’re right, he’s just throwing out the I don’t love you just throwing that out there just because it’s somewhere someone else or whatever.

He’s just basically, that’s his way of pushing you away and you got to see where you’re going with that, and that’s as far as trying to get him toe open up and be intentional with it. That’s I guess that’s where you’re gonna tell where he’s going, where he’s if he’s willing to put in the work in the effort. So yeah, yeah, I think ask him, Is he is he willing to see if you can get some counseling and work on it? Ask him. Is there somebody else?

You know? You never know. If you get the truth on the front end of that anyway, right, there’s a willingness to work on it and get some outside help. If he’s got any accountability or people in his lives that you can call him into account with. If he says he doesn’t want to work on it, then call whoever you know has influence in his life and fight for it. So my question is real quick for her on this is that he had just show up one day and go, Hey, you know I don’t love you anymore.

It’s gonna be so It’s like it’s funny, man. Sometimes there’s been ongoing strike for a long time, and people know. But, man, I’ve seen couples where one spouse is literally blind, like I thought we were good. Everything seemed to be great, because sometimes people can compartmentalize in be creating this whole imaginary life or or actual life outside of the relationship, not say anything until they’re like I’m done. I found someone else. I’m ready. Oh, never tell me we weren’t good. We were happy, so it’s hard to know it could go either way.

Yeah, but yeah, see if see if he’s willing to meet with somebody, maybe a counselor that can give a little insight and let him know that there’s a way back from where he’s at. This isn’t hopeless, and it’s not final in. They were pulled for you, Jamie. Yes, way we got your awesome way. Air jumping back in. If you missed last week’s show, we stocked about the anatomy of a fair the 10 steps that lead us down the path to an affair we address one through five, which I’m gonna recap.

And then today we’re going to get in through six through 10. So steps one through five on the path that leads to an affair from last week are something causes you to lean away from your marriage. That’s number one. Number two. There’s an awareness of another person. Three innocent meetings with the person opened the door for flirting. Four. The meetings become intentional and planned by one of the people. And if you need clarity on that, go back and listen. And number five while in a group setting, the two of you begin to linger in conversation with each other a little longer.

So that’s the recap. That’s the last five. And we’re going to jump in with number six and get going down. Good. Oh, yeah. All right, Number six. Here we go. You start talking about your feelings. I need a little caveat, and then you guys can run with it. This is not necessarily feelings for each other at this point. This is just feelings, like a new depth of relationship because men may not get this because we’re a little slow, but it’s romantic for a lot of women when you actually talk about your feelings, right?

These are the areas I struggle within life, these air, some of my greatest frustrations. These air my hopes and dreams, these air. I’m not talking about how I feel about you. I’m just talking about things that I feel in life and that begins to create an emotional connection. So you start talking about your feelings. Yeah. Well, first of all, a lot of guys if they start talking about their feelings, you know, something’s up already, right? Okay. Some social. I mean, you said your emotional last week that you did, actually, that something like that, Most something I sound like Daddy.

Oh, about Yeah, Eso. All right, so So I’m thinking about all this, and, you know, I’m thinking of in our culture today this this idea of talking about your feelings and all that. You know what comes to mind who? Tiger Woods comes to my boys. A touchy feeling. But here’s what’s back. He’s talking about his feelings on an answering machine. How dumb is that? My Tiger Woods leaving a message on answering machine. Hi. Hi. This is Tiger. Sorry I missed you. Come on. I mean, you got your whole list of Hollywood’s that, but But that’s what comes to mind on that.

So you’re you know, I mean, talking about your feelings. Okay, So this isn’t mawr where you you start. This is where the things come out. Like, uh, e wouldn’t have done that if I were your husband, or I wouldn’t have done that. That’s when that stuff starts coming out. And And, um so I don’t know that a Sfar as red flags. Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re sure, right? But I think we’re even right now in this step were even before that we aren’t even really talk. Yeah.

Yeah, that That comes later. We’re not even talking about that. We’re just talking about We’re sharing things that that we are passionate about what this is. This is like the front end of a relationship where you get to know somebody and you’re just talking about your okay. What you feel especially creating an emotional connection with something. I see where you’re going here now in the conversation. So this is where you’re talking with somebody and you go, Wow, she really gets me. Finally, somebody really gets me and you’re probably not even saying that, but but in your head.

And listen, we do this in the church. Thes thes can be spiritually conversations that have a level of depth in, um yeah, that you may not be having it home. What, you think oil? Yeah, that’s actually that’s really, really good. So especially in the church, because you have a lot of, you know, maybe men who are trying to disciple or cover women or women doing the same for men and because they’re doing this, walk the spiritual walk with them, trying to help them get closer to Christ there, then talking to them about their life, trying to help them make it through day to day life.

And then next thing you know where we’re tight, like, you know, like we we really understand each other. We have this relationship. You start off with brothers and sisters in Christ, and then it builds on to you know what? I’m seeing this person different, you know, right? Yeah, let’s say so. Let’s say toy. You’re sitting at home and you wishing your husband was, you know, leading you and devotionals or doing something right. That’s where you’re at right now, praying and believe in God for them. And the next thing you know it Next week’s, you know, ministry meeting.

You talking to some other dude and he goes all Manus. This is what guys been doing in my life. And he’s got these big plans for me and you’re sitting there going, Wow. Yeah, you know that That’s great. So you’re connected. And so that’s why, again, going back to what we always talk about intentionality. Listen, when someone of the opposite sex starts telling you about all the guys doing in their life say, that’s great. Go tell your female friends, Great time, bro. Like that, right? These air, not me and you conversations to be having right.

And so I see a lot of especially singles at church. It’s start here with serving in ministry together. I love their heart for the Lord, and the next thing you know, man, we’re beginning to get connected. Um, so it becomes stuff that stuff that’s a time because again, that’s I mean, if there’s anything more vulnerable, it’s talking about what guys doing in your life. So keys and then listen. This is even a bigger issue for the rescuers. Know You know those that love to help me. Oh, as soon as you hear somebody share something, breaking their heart, your heart breaks for them and you want to help them all in the name of trying to help somebody. Absolutely.

But but there’s a bond. It’s beginning to form that can sometimes be a little bit unhealthy. Absolutely right. I’m glad you brought that up because, yeah, that’s that’s not easy. One to talk about sometimes. No, no, it’s not. And I think we again if if if you have a lack of awareness, you may not even know that you sharing your feelings about things with another person is actually drawing that person closer to you. And writing an emotional bonding may be unintentional s, I would say. Watch who you share your feelings and hopes and dreams with.

And I think we’ve talked about this before, if I mean, we sit around here and shut down the show and start talking about man, I’m frustrated with this and my kids and did, uh then when I get home tonight. I don’t have to have that conversation with my wife because I’ve already done it. Yeah. Now I’ve robbed, you know, our relationship. So let me ask you this your council. So you’re counseling and all of a sudden, Miss Miss Female comes in council. How did you deal with as counsel being 101 or and I think some councillors end up, we’ll know number one.

I’m I’m intentional. Number two. I maintain a good relationship with my wife. So there’s not I’m not walking around your talking about. Listen, if you’re walking around emotionally or spiritually hungry, yeah, you’re more have to take a bite of something. You probably take cry. Make sure you you’re not wearing your yoga pants that day. Yeah, I don’t sometimes don’t wear a wife beater, but I wear baggy coat. No, but And listen, I’ve been I’ve been in ministry and counseling long enough to be aware, and no. And so if you ever get yourself feeling some kind of way, you expose it. Yeah.

I mean, you see friends female characters all the time. Yeah, that’s why you know, most counseling offices air gonna have Ah, door with a window. What you see in some have cameras just because you never You’re talking to someone who is broken, right? Who could say anything they want. But I think and then you already know from the other side. As a counselor, I don’t care who’s sitting in the other chair. It is highly likely they’ve never had anybody in their life listen to him the way you listen.

So there’s gotta be some aspect of Oh my gosh, one of my husband would list a listen. Thanks, Twisted. You’re paying me to Listen, Teoh, please make your cheque. I think any helping professions run the risk of people doing that if you’re not conscious of it, Number six is You start talking about your feelings again, not feelings for each other. Just a greater depth that this is who I am in revealing the number 72 people. Now it’s both sided. Two people begin to have isolated meetings under the disguise of the legitimate purpose. Right?

So this is where no. Well, I mean, I’ve got to meet with her because we’re working on this project together and I’ve got to connect with him because This is a good networking opportunity to have any further. So you guys were meeting together on purpose, but one or both of your acting like this is not what it really is. So at this point, we haven’t the two haven’t shared with each other. Really? How they feel is getting there, there, there, just again. They’re they’re fooling themselves. Yeah, thinking no man, this is business.

This is Baba, blah. Whatever. So they have not actually yet said, you know, I like you. Yeah, OK. Yeah, Well, I mean, that’s what you know. I mean, in my situation, it did start out with that old friend. We’re catching up with lunch. Yeah, just catching up on, uh uh, which was interesting, because I did read that women, You know, when I was looking at some of these stats, you know, women 32% of the time. It’s an old flame, right? It’s that old flame trying to relive the past.

I wonder that question. I wonder what it would have been like with this person. Yeah, and guess what’s gonna be the same way. Be? What about, like when you’re no responsibility? Yeah, with the California cooler in the in, the in the fields. And yeah, what you did in the country. That’s alright. Yeah. You know, you open up that you know, you need what you have in there. What did you have? You? I don’t know what you had in there, so come from a wine dollars. There’s nothing.

Hey, I just I got you some wine. Should be like Boone’s farm. Broke my little A J way. Strawberry Hill over here. A buck 99 from this bottle gave the country, you know that I do. I watch TV shows video seven. Number seven was two people begin to have isolated meetings under the disguise of a legitimate purpose. Step number eight. The two people have isolated meetings now strictly for pleasure. Now, now is when we’re beginning to step into this. Maybe a phone call. This maybe, I think. Jason, you were saying you the way for the email e mails back and forth.

But this is now we’re discussing how we feel about each other now is the what it, man? If we had only met 10 years ago, right, man, you’re so great if you only had a sister. Oh, man, you know, did it? Not now we’re replaying the what ifs and most people are going. So this is where if I were your husband, I wouldn’t have done it that way. That’s where this comes out right here. I can’t believe that I would so appreciate you for fill in the blank.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? What? What starts happening At this point, I believe I’m going to say it’s at this point where where you start getting these fairy tales and visioning what the future could look like. Yeah. How much better than relying in your mind would be like to come home with station with them? Not not. Fight with him? Of course not. Discipline. Curriculum of scores. Found not taking care of them when they’re thrown up and they don’t look like what they look like. Now when you see him first thing in the morning, I got any of those, right?

Yeah, yeah, but you’re you’re falling for the part time vacation version. Oh, are even like like we talked about. If you’re saying what if we would have met at 18 like you’re falling in love with that part time type personality, you know, you’re only seeing that person for a few hours talking to them for a few hours, getting to know them. But the real you’re not seeing them getting up, going to work, like paying their bills or worrying about life issues. You’re just seeing all the good and you’re like, Ooh, this is starting better than what A Let’s.

Let’s be honest for a minute. Nobody’s really marriage compares to an affair. May. I don’t care how great your marriages, because the affair is just the fun part and yanked out of actual life. Yep, you don’t pay bills together. Your hair. You don’t fight about the kids in the affair got cleanup. The dogs mess in there. You have a kid climbing into your bed it to talk about their tummy hurts before they throw up on your pillow. And so it’s taken on Lee. That’s so I would say even the greatest marriage does not compare to an affair cause it’s a fake reality.

Yeah, did it? Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah. And what’s up with some of these guys? Like like, um, Kevin Hart that has stepped out on their wife when they’re pregnant. Are they like uh, now I gotta look at her with a child like thistle over here looking like fun. Probably exactly what you just now. We got life right now. She focused on something else. He’s gay. She said it was an ice cream. You tired? You probably met up with the lady at the grocery store cause you always run together. Yeah. What?

You have an affair with the cashier, Kroger. You send me over there every other day, which which apparently I was brought up to be that this happens quite a bit, really? With the pregnancy thing, you know, like I do. So Geo Geo eso, Kevin Hart cheese Kevin Hart, who’s actually married and his wife was pregnant. And then we have Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson. Now they were engaged, but that was the reason for their breakup. Was him cheating while she was pregnant? Yeah. I mean, I guess it happens.

I mean, that’s I was actually surprised. It happens as much as it does so But I guess that’s what what you’re doing when you’re dealing with I mean, it was fun getting to that point. Alright, right? Yeah. You’re at that brought last year you may not like what? Looks like that’s your seed Broke. That’s true. So yeah, care of it? Yeah. I mean, that’s when you get to this number eight spot. I mean, that’s what you’re to the point now, where all the lies you’ve told yourself and all that, and pretty much now you’re just all in.

And And this is where churches dangerous man. Because you get to people that that fool themselves into thinking God brought us together spiritually. Dr. Rice. Right. And then you came along and your passion for God is reignited. Mine and my spouse. Come on, man. Leave for if nothing else, please leave God out of your affair. Do not do not spiritual lot. Yeah, well, I’m disciple ing her joker. It’s a disciple in her. Yeah. Yeah, and it’s easy. I mean, you see how many times do you hear about that in the church?

Alright. Falls with which is crazy, because everything that they value in the in the minister you know the integrity. Godliness disappears the moment they lay down with you, bro. Yeah. I mean, it is what a few couples that we have helped at the Actually, it seems to be got Bringing God into the picture is is that that is the best excuse to use right there that make that helped you justify. Well, it does. And I think that the flip side is that there there’s a connection spiritually.

That could happen when you start talking about godly things, even in the innocent level. Bring together being on team together. You can quickly that’s a that’s a quick turn for intimacy as well. Number eight again is the two people have isolated meetings strictly for pleasure. You you are no longer acting like it’s not what it is now you’re talking about. This is what I like about you. Number nine. You begin to embrace and engage in playful touching. So at this point, you’re gonna running headfirst into danger.

I’m not sure you even care. It just feels right. This is exciting. I’ve discovered the me that was lost in my marriages is the me. I haven’t been myself in a decade. This is This is where you are. That’s what you get your Kroger shopping card now and you’re there all the time. I guess. Yeah. Brings a new meaning to clean up on out. Three. Right. Pouring milk down the drain. Honey, we’re out of milk. This’ll point you are. You’re okay. So what? What point? Let me bring that and what we’ve gone through.

What we’re up to number nine. Now. When did the affair start? Officially? There. In official. Okay, Now you’re in, in effect. Well, we’re talking about these air a pathway down. So I think the first step is you started leaning away thoughtfully, considering another person I bring that bring that up because, you know, people say that all the time. Well, you know, we just it’s It’s just an emotional thing. We haven’t really had an affair. We have done that. So that’s why I bring that up. Because some people might not have heard the show last week are just joined us.

Now we’re talking about these steps, but but But I think that’s that the definition of when the affair starts is you really gotta understand. It started back at number one. Yeah, there’s a lot of people would I would disagree with that, but yeah, I think we we indicated on last week’s show that step stage number three step number three was kind of a turning point. So I think once you’ve stepped past three, you’re really beginning to go down there. And obviously, when you’re at the level of talking about your feelings for one another, that’s certainly I would throw in the category of emotional a fair.

And that’s where I think when people are like, you know well, nothing physical happened. I put that in the category of the difference between purity and abstinence, right? I can I can physically right not do anything with somebody, right? But but my mind be impure and thinking about the goal is really to move towards a place of purity. So I think even, you know, the goal is not to be an emotional affairs while saying, but we never did anything physical, right, because you’re still robbing yourself of so many other things. Absolutely.

But you’re playfully touching. So this is this is getting fun. Now there come and is leading us into Step 10 which is the physical interaction becomes romantic, compassionate This you are officially in a full fledged physical sexual, a fair, and here’s where everything begins the at the fan, and when that happens, there is an emotional connection. You thought you were emotionally contending before. There is something that grabs you there. Oh, yeah. Retired about before All the mind starts with Doma Main. Yeah, absolutely. To this person like you can’t even explain.

Yeah, addicted is that’s a good way to put it. Yeah, that, you know, because we talked about that. You know, you’re romanticizing what future is gonna look like, how horrible your spouse is about what the future is gonna look like and how great this is. But, man, I tell you, it all comes with a cost. There is a cost involved with it. However it goes, there is always a cost involved. Your pastor one time had a had a sermon on what I thought was a great sermon about, you know, the hiker, That fella, he got his arm stuck in the in the boulder, and the only way he could get out was to cut his arm off.

They have to remember that it was great to impress. You went to church with, so Yeah. No. Well, now I don’t want to give you problems. No eso cut his arm of right. And so the guy healed is great. He’s healthy. But now you’ve got a guy with just one arm. So in other words, yes, he healed from it. And you can heal from an affair. You can move on. But those scars at one arm is always gonna be one arm. And there are some scars that you won’t get rid of.

And so it’s it’s is for Riel. It’s for real. That’s so true. Um, and it’s hard for both. I would say, you know, at that point, because, like, air mentioned mentioned before, you know, you might have one spouse. It’s like I had no idea we were in trouble. You know what? What just had What’s going on when they find out, you know, than the other spouse isn’t gonna be like. What do you mean you didn’t know? You know, this is what you did to cause it. Um, and then you have to go through that.

Are we both willing to work on things? And are we both willing to look at our cells so that we can come together and heal? I think the good news is that even though we’ve painted this picture, hopefully this will help you recognize where you are and have some self awareness so that you don’t get to a place of having a difficult time turning back or ending up in this place. But if you do, the good news on the other side is that three out of three of us sent here on this show today have either been the victim or the perpetrator in in an affair.

And every one of us sitting here would say that that we’re currently in marriages that are great. They’re strong. And so this does not need to be fatal. If you found yourself in this place. If our our question that we had from Jamie, that if we find ourselves in a tough place, listen, there’s a way out if you get some help, Absolutely. Yeah, it doesn’t have to be fatal to a marriage, But there are gonna be marriage is that it doesn’t work out right. But this that just that will do it.

And so But there is on the other side of that. There is, you know. I mean, there, there, there, lessons learned. You know, these steps are here a big part of recognising how you got to where you are like my situation. It showed me things about May. I didn’t really even know about me. Yeah, it So it exposed some things of me. So? So you can you can overcome this stuff, and you can learn from this stuff, and, uh, and your next time around, if it doesn’t work out.

Um, yeah, it could be way better just because of that. Not because you found somebody better necessary, right? But before because you became better, right? That’s good. Yeah, well, if you missed the 10 steps will put those in some show notes for you. Have the ability for you, Teoh. Grab all 10 of them. You can always We got show notes. Hey, listen. Broke way. Got everything? No, no. Listen, if you ever can’t find anything, you can always email us at the relationship of power. 77 radio dot com. That way it’s there.

Any questions? Also online. Live. Answer your questions. Get back to you. Can always be a part of that. What, You think that’s all good? I mean, that’s Yeah, that was all the information, but I just want to say thank you all so much. I thought you’re gonna break into song. She was gonna ask a question. Say, maybe she’s the anonymous about that you loathe. Good. No, no, seriously, if you’re going through it, um, then just know that there you can you can you can reconcile and you will be OK. And if you haven’t gone through it, you’ll probably know somebody that is going through it.

So I just want to say, support them, Don’t encourage them either way. Just be there for them because it is a roller coaster of emotions every single day. So just support those around you and know they’ll be all right. That’s it. I hope if you need it, do please do thank you all So much for joining us today to hear these top 10 steps to an affair. And I’m Toya and I have Eric and Jason and again for any questions in those to the relation shop at power.77 radio dot com

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