[THE RELATIONSHOP] The First 5 Steps to An Affair (Episode #22)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

New episodes Tuesday at 8 AM CST. Tune in at Power77Radio.com.

Listen to The RelationShop on Power 77 Studios | Apple | Spotify


I think this is the relation shop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with riel relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. And if you want us to answer any of your questions, please send them to the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com Keep those questions coming because we got a good one today. No. All right. This was from anonymous from primal. Like a Let’s go with white delight from Prosper Head has been taken. I have to do something that maybe white lightning or something like that once taking whatever makes you sleep in that way.

Here we go. Here’s a question. I got into my husband’s phone while he was in the shower. Theo there, Let’s stop. The next line is the great. Okay, First of all, I feel bad about doing that because I always say whatever you want to find that you will find it. But I guess I’m getting ah, what I’m looking for. So okay. Feel bad about it? Yeah. We’re not going to address the trust issues that already exist is gonna think back to the question today. So here we go have found subtext between my husband and another woman.

It doesn’t seem like they’ve been together, but they were flirting and talking about missing each other. And they even said they loved each other. Well, I really hope he hasn’t cheated on me, but I can’t help to believe that he has or he is about to. How do I bring this up to my husband? Because I did sneak in his phone, and that is something that we never do really well, a little bit. I got 1000 ideas, But, lady darling, you would like to start. Um, first of all, like Eric said, we’re not going to go into the going into his phone, so you know that you already know that.

Okay, Is that a bad thing? Know the fact that somebody says I went in there and I shouldn’t? You know what? That’s your spouse. Yeah, all access, everything. If he has mad, there’s a reason he’s married to are saying, Yeah, what was the question? All right, so a little bit me reiterated. Yeah, she says she went in there. She feels bad because we didn’t We don’t really do that with each other. But you do because you don’t trust him. That’s the reason you went in there cause you’re suspicious.

So there’s a trust issue. I have no idea why she’s suspicious. They said they loved each other. Yeah, my wing is, if you’re suspicious, then you’re already noticing things you’re noticing. Maybe he’s being distant. You’re noticing. Maybe he’s talking about a friend a lot, and he’s keeping it in the friend box. You’re noticing that he’s not wanting to be around you. So all these things have built up toe. Want you toe want toe, want you, encourage you to go through his phone. You went through his phone.

You found these messages. When when your husband tells another woman he loves her or she tells him that, yeah, huge, whether it’s been physical or not. Let’s be. Let’s let Jason Yep. How many women that you’re not physically involved with? Do you say I love you? Zero run around zero point, should that that comes after your young Yet it does actually think the old the old saying right and sex to get love love Teoh from a woman. We might say, I love you before anything physical that’s happened because the emotional part has already started for a woman.

But for a man, I hear what you’re saying. It’s the opposite. Yeah, well, and coming from somebody who I’m just gonna be really be vulnerable. I have been there. I have been the cheater. All right, I said that. I got that. Why? Yeah, Been there So that so I bring that up to say there are so many red flags because I look back there, there’s so much taking your phone, and you should answer her question. No, the question What was right? What was the question? How do I bring this up to my husband?

Because she’s embarrassed. I guess that she’s not here. I believe in any healthy you have direct conversations with each other because you’re married and you can be honest with each other. So what I do is I sit him down next time he’s home from work and you have some time, and you say I need to ask you a question and I need complete honesty. Many are then watch his face bar watches, look on his face. That s a vindication. That’ll do it and then say you just ask about the person.

Tell me about whatever the name was in there, right? Tell me about your relationship with. So So what’s going on? And now this is where you really find out. Doesn’t do want to be honest or not Honest. If he starts talking about it, then it looks like you Probably if his leading is Well, what did you go through? My four. And you back the phone, you dancer thing. I don’t Don’t You don’t get off of your infidelity or whatever is going on. Based on what? You should have looked at my phone, but I did write.

It’s in there. Yeah, I found it right. Exactly. Starts going that route that I think you end the conversation and say is irrelevant. You could be mad that I went through your phone. That’s fine. But what I’m what I’m trying to get at is what’s going on this relationship. I think you just be direct. So it’s already around. Conversations gonna be You gotta have covers. Yeah, his face is gonna It’s got exactly what Pastor? He said his face and his reaction’s gonna tell you everything you need to know, right?

Yeah, because, you know, people start doing stupid stuff, like creating another account and in sending a message. Say, Hey, this is Trina trying to set him up. Just go talk to him, right? Yeah, He direct. You found something going. Dress what you found and see if you can move on U s. So that wasn’t as hard as we thought. Has got one. Too bad she’s legally changed her name. Anonymous. A terrible name y Affairs named or that so But that’s a That’s a good lead in here.

Well, here’s a little gonna do. We’re gonna do this week’s time to get a little different. Essam this I human. I just got choked. The producer just I guess he didn’t like where I was going, but I know what that was. Yeah, I didn’t know what that was. Today’s topic impacts a lot of relationships is what we’re just talking about when you talk to a lot of couples about dealbreakers like we talked about this in our whole idea of commitment and covenant. If you have a deal breaker, it’s already a contract.

But that’s a different show. So people say the number one deal breakers this I’m good, but if they ever cheat on me, then I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Which that’s really a misnomer. The majority of couples from my experience where there’s been infidelity, but there’s true repentance and willingness to work on it. They actually don’t just make it through, but they make it through with a better relationship, so that should never be a deal breaker. But that’s what we want. Talk about today is this idea of an affair, and so we want to break down.

Uh, we’re gonna call the anatomy of an affair, so we believe there is a pathway that leads you to an affair. Nobody wakes up one morning and says, Today’s the day I’m gonna completely ruin my life and flip it upside down. I’m gonna go do X Y Z. It’s not something you fall into is not a cliff. You fall off even though we say, Well, I don’t know how I got here. We’re gonna help people realize how we got. And we’ve also created so many interpretations of unfair Bill Clinton did great with that, right?

Yeah, sexual relations. So So we probably need to address what an affair isn’t all this mess to because, you know, waken coming out of excuses. So I think we’re going to talk about the pathway from nothingness into an actual physical affair. So that will get us there by step 10. We’re gonna give 10 steps. Five to show five. Next. But that will get us in all the way to the physical interaction. Full blown, Full fledged affair. There you go. I like I like we’re making a comeback for the next show way.

Come back. You’re making a great assumption. Yeah. 135 Suck. They’re not sure thing. Tough. Okay, jump on board. It’s good. Absolutely. Yeah. All right. Why don’t yet? Why don’t I jump in and let’s start with step number one, and then we’ll chop it up. So step number one, this is remember a path that leads towards an affair. Step number one is something causes you to lean away from your marriage. All right, So lean away, man. The interrogations weight away. You’re always leaning, right? There’s there’s no you’re either leaning towards your marriage or away from your marriage at any given moment.

So something causes you to lean away from your marriage. So is it safe to say, though, Can we throw this out there? Probably. I’m hoping it’s a small percentage that there are serial cheaters, and they just are who they are. We’re not talking about those. No for say, yeah, if you’re talking about someone who’s just malicious has no desire to ever be faithful. And it’s just gonna, you know, on a mission to satisfy self their whole lives that, you know, these probably don’t apply the damn that guy’s try and do what they want.

I got you. This is the year average Joe on the street. Yeah. So the leaning away, I mean, that is that that is your first red flag to yourself, right? Because that’s this stuff can sneak up on you. Like I said, I’ve got experience in this is so so that looking back on the moments that that lead to my direction, there was this was the big one. This is a real big one, because I was actually very good at, you know, protecting my eyes. And I didn’t look at, you know, movies that I shouldn’t look at, You know, the Dow’s maverick dancers came out and I just need to look at that.

Turn the other way. Dallas stars Ice girl away. Protect my eyes. But what idea? What I was doing that with all your 90 day fiance. Your heart. I turn away for other reasons. National going on you were You were the safe, huh? So, you know, I want protected my But what I didn’t do was I didn’t protect my emotions. And I had an emotional weakness that I didn’t realize. And that’s what come up behind me and bit me. Really? So I would say for me for sure. You better know, like, you’re vulnerable, Vulnerable spot for sure, Because that’s where you’re going to get hit the hardest.

And really, you’re not gonna be ready for it. You’re not gonna be ready for it. So yeah, What about you? Fair enough. And what I would say is, um with the leaning away like, Are you really friends with your spouse? Like, are you truly light light we talked about before? Are you best friends with your spouse or you at least, is your spouse at least in your top five? You know, do you do things that your spouse wants to do that you necessarily don’t want to do.

But you do it because you know it makes your spouse happy. So those types of things, that’s kind of what I think about because again, like like Jason said, it’s not always your spouse. Just Oh, I’m just gonna go step out, like, right now. It doesn’t happen like that. It happens slowly, and it’s just you just have to look at yourself and say in my getting emotionally fulfill from my spouse If I’m not, what are some small steps we can take to get there? You know, to just start somewhere before it heads down the wrong way.

You’re saying, Be active in leading into your marriage, which will help prevent because because the reality is there’s a lot of things and cause you to lean away from your marriage. That is not necessarily even you initiated. So stuff that happens in your life you lose a loved one. You lose a job. There’s different crisis with your kids. There’s different things that can happen that can kind of cause you to take a step back. And really, if you think about every time you get in a fight, or conflict with your spouse.

Often time that’s an opportunity to lean away. You kind of long way thinking to yourself whatever might be guy, man, they just you know, they don’t think of me. Or it could be a lot of little simple things that, if you’re not aware of it, pretty soon you build up a lot of couples experience that where you feel like you feel yourself getting to a place where we’re just not like toys that were not friends like you used to be. So I think, just an awareness in your life.

I would even encourage people kind of weekly check. Check your heart toward your spouse in my, um, I still leaning into my marriage. Or have I leaned away, even if it’s leaned away in tow, work leaning away and the kids other things. So that’s step number one. Something causes you to lean away from your mayor. Step number two now is where it starts involving other people. Step number two is there is an awareness of another person. There’s an awareness of another person, and here’s what I will say.

I promise you you will find another person, Whatever, Whatever that vulnerability is or that void you have, you’re going to find somebody to fill that void. They’re everywhere. They’re everywhere, especially now. It’s so easy to find now. Eso That’s so Step two. That’s where I go back to that step when you got to be. I think being ready at Step one will help you with Step two for sure. But you’re gonna find somebody. So be careful where you’re going, right? I mean, And I would say to add on to that like, Where do you spend most of your time?

Because most of these things happen at work because that’s where you spend most of your time or people that are heavily serving in church, like wherever you’re spending most your time. That’s where you’re gonna make connections, deeper connections with people, because that’s where you’re living pretty much and you’re only at home toe sleep and start. Hey, I mean, let’s that’s really it. So it’s just pay attention to those things as well. You shouldn’t work so much. You only home to sleep with you and Ahmad’s figure out what’s going on.

But here’s the thing. This this is where you start thinking about your thought life. You know, you let a thought about another person begin to linger more. Maybe you’re thinking yourself. Or maybe the thought just comes right. This talks. Now we’re talking about a whole biblical concept about taking captive our thoughts right and make it obedient to Christ. Now, we we let our thoughts run. And so you may. You may have a quick thought like I wonder what it be like to be married to them. Yeah, right.

And that now we’ve got a comparison going. Well, here’s my current situation in here because you know, when you talk to other people, all your scenes like the quality, that’s good. You don’t know all the stuff that they got it home. Like like you may, you may think a little bit. She seems cool. But then now we just realize she’s never home except to sleep. No, you begin thinking about there’s an awareness of other people and listen, this can happen anywhere, anywhere. You can see what I mean.

Be out with your friends for dinner and see some quality in their spouse that you’re thinking well, which my spouse had more of that the exact but they’re becomes an awareness of another person. And so, Well, that’s what we talked about on other shows that, like intentional, is everything. Every one of these steps, your intention when you lose that that intentional aspect of your marriage and basically you stop working at it. That’s where there’s trouble. So there are gonna be those people that, like Harris, she just she just coming home to sleep. Whatever.

Hey, they’re not They’re not. They don’t have that time because of jobs or whatever. But that’s where the intentional comes in is the time you have. Yeah, you got to make an intentional Yeah, and I mean, aren’t most men like words of affirmation? Most men come on, your Ranger, who will everybody’s words of affirmation just right on the back a little bit. Yeah, I think I would agree with that. Okay, So my point is, you’re always gonna be able to find someone outside of your house that motivates you that just encourages ume or than your spouse. Absolutely.

We talked about this before to wear. Eric said it’s because why they don’t have any skin in the game, like, really, like they’re going to encourage you to go start a business, encourage you to go by this and go do that. And I mean, you go home to your spouse and that lie. What, like we got a mortgage way. Need to take a common thing. But then it’s like what? You just don’t support me. Fine. How? Start? So just be aware and pay attention to that boom.

There you go. Step number three is innocent. Meetings with the person opened the door for flirting. Say that innocent meetings with the person opened the door for flirting. So nothing planned. Right? But you happen to bump into him at the restaurant. You have a bump in, tow him in the cafeteria at work. You bumping them in the coffee shop wherever it is. But there’s a little window open up where we can flirt a little bit, right? Tell jokes, do different stuff. Complement each other thing. This is where the alarms go off.

Should be. Oh, this lawyer, our neediness gives It is, But this is where, like in my situation, this is where my alarms went off. But here’s what the problem was. My emotional neediness was yelling louder than my morality right Oh, I remember I River t shirt. Get that right. But that So those those whistles, those bells, they all went off. You know, they all went off, but I could. I could come up with excuses. I could justify what I was doing, because emotionally, you know that I know what I deal with every day.

Yes, exactly. Right? So it’s a was so easy. It’s so much easier now because we got Facebook’s and we get all that stuff. You don’t have to bump into a coffee shop anymore. Oh, no. So just slides on your latest photo and drops a little message thing. Great. The greatest thing on that is that’s also the easiest thing to turn off, right? You know it, but it’s always with you. Can’t shake it either, because you always on here. Yeah. Don’t be on it. That’s what I’m saying.

Yeah, Okay. Don’t get emotional. E. I actually have a question. Eso Jason came to Life group. Where’s the crowd? Goes really O j smooth group. And we’ve had a conversation about flirting. So we just talked about innocent learning or, you know, innocent rulings. And yeah, let me preface is my wife was there? An Ahmad was there. We two were having a This is weird. Already. Step in the booth. So we were talking about flirting, right? So I’m gonna be open. So mild was like, Toia said that I don’t flirt with her.

And I said, Well, you don’t You just kind of, like, joke with me, you know? And he was like, Yeah, but if I did these things with another woman, you would say it’s flirting. And I was like, You know what? Maybe you’re right. So let’s talk about first the definition of flirting. What is it? What does it look like when you’re dating? What does it look like when you’re married? Uh huh. Uh, definition of port. Definition of flirting. I think stuff because different people perceive different things as learning right on.

So, uh, like, you know me. I mean, I like them. I like to joke that I like to make fun of people ripping people apart that no, but it’s just it’s just having fun and joking around. And so in a for loop that could be perceived now about certain people. If if you know, I’m joking or making jokes about style. Well, that, you know, he noticed stuff to make fun of. I don’t know. I equal opportunity offender. I mean, I make fun of your grandma. You, your wife, kids.

I’m not I don’t hear it in on the opposite sex. So be careful because there are those people that are just touchy, you know, they laugh, they just touch the shoulder that can communicate guilty on that. You just just like toys. And I touch people on there hands and all that all the time. And I’m trying my back too low sometimes wearing those juicy fans, and we wouldn’t happen. T o k my lululemon like a help. It got maybe with curves. I I’m just getting ever so with care.

And so I think that’s a good point because part of this this step or this stage is is not always knowing what the other person’s experiencing. Right? You’re I’m saying so It’s like, you know, somebody laughed. She lasted your joke. Like your wife has never laughed at your joke. And you’re like, Oh, are he pays you a compliment that your husband hadn’t given you in 10 years, right? But for him, he does that with everybody, so he may not even thinking about it. But anyway, step Step three is innocent meetings with the person open the door from flirting.

So nothing planned yet. But we got a little bit open door, and this this is like the crucial step. Recognize? Because I think if everybody’s honest with themselves, everybody has gotten a Step three at some point in their life. Absolutely. This is the place where the door is beginning to crack open, and you either have the opportunity now to continue to open it or slam it shut before you step into Step four. So Step Maura’s this. The meetings now become intentional and planned. Watch this by one of the people not by both, but intentional.

So here’s what I mean. I know she gets her coffee at 9 a.m. every morning in the break room. So guess who’s there. I know that about 10 30. He’s always on the free weights, right by the trend mill, so she’s on the treadmill so she can be walking. He’s that creep OK, and looking over. So it’s There’s still no intention of a physical relationship, but it’s kind of like I can’t enjoy our interactions. And so one person says, I know they’re usually here, and I’m gonna be there so we can move bump into each other for right, right?

Yeah. I mean, it’s and again, we just said, This is it’s easier to do that now, Like with me. Okay, when you go from step three to step four where now things kind of become intentional. Like I said, the 1st 1 alarms went off with me, But I got when I got to step for, uh, the bad part is you I knew I was in trouble. When if I win a day without an email or something like that, it was a new as a true. But the problem is the hooks were already sinking deeper by that point.

That’s where you start getting dangerous. If this is being bad, I don’t wanna be o s. Oh, so yeah, it’s, uh, that when you reach that point, you’re starting Teoh, you start to slide down the other side of it. You gotta be careful. And that was good. What she said that you got to the point where if you didn’t have any type of interaction than you like. Felt that. You know, that’s because it’s one thing to just say. Well, you know, I didn’t catch him the day again.

Getting your hair didn’t Sorry. This becomes, like, an obsession type thing. We even when I’m at home with my spouse, you know, and I am sneaking away. So did I get my email? So now, Now, I’m not paying as much attention to my spouse or my kids or whatever doing cause I’m worried about those emails. So you hooks, get in. Yeah. Yeah, That was a little pick me up. You wanted. All right, Number five. Our last step for today is while in a group setting, the two of you begin to linger in conversation.

So we’re still not off by ourselves, but at work. Let’s say we all take a business trip together and everyone’s at dinner. You notice the two of you are the ones that kind of group off a little bit and linger a little longer? Conversations going a little bit deeper now. We’re not We’re not talking any deep feelings. Were just talking about hobbies, likes, dislikes, is no longer just Hey, how you doing today? good talk to you later where we’re actually talking at a little deeper level now.

And, uh, and we’re enjoying those conversations at this point, so yeah, yeah, I mean, it’s Ah, it’s you. There’s those little red flags. Like I said, that you noticed yourself, but it’s it’s That’s where I don’t know where the what number? The crossing point is where now we’re We’re in really deep. Uh, but we’re going to get there. Yeah, I know you guys for your on your way right now. I mean, you see, because it’s so easy today, who do we get? I mean, we got, like, what?

Tristan and Chloe, right? I mean, you’re gonna Some of us don’t know all your shows. You’re going to fill me and you learn. Interesting. Come on. Oh, this is 90 days. Okay? You just today? Yeah. Keeping you. Yeah. So they’re actually really celebrities Kardashian and Tristan Thompson. Yeah. And you get what? Whoa, Uh, Jay Z and Beyonce. Yeah. There you go. Jay Z and Beyonce. A. So you got these couples where? I mean, and now it’s just It’s almost like the thing to do. You know what I mean?

So we’re dealing We’re dealing with with cultural changes to I think that with the movies we were, you know, I mean, don’t get me started on 50 shades of grey, right? So but these remember even heard of those? I Yes. Oh, So our culture today is pumping that into us. That just normal thing, too. So you gotta battle that as well. Um, which that’s a show for another day, but yeah. All right. Let me let me re back through the 1st 5 steps. Now, remember, this is a path that leads to an affair.

You don’t fall off a cliff. Step number one. Something causes you to lean away from your marriage. Step two, there’s an awareness of another person. Three innocent meetings with the person opens the door for flirting. And this is the area where you either got to decide. I’m gonna shut the door close. Well, I leave it open and I’m headed down this path. Fouras meetings become intentional and planned by one of the people as step five while in a group setting, the two of you begin to linger in conversation.

You’re a halfway home, right? Don’t tune this stuff. out Because when I’m when I was looking around it, there’s looking when I was digging on the Internet a little bit. One of the one of the stats that I saw that kind of took me by surprise is one and three couples will be dealing with an extramarital affair, something So So this is a really feel that you’re gonna do if you think, man, not me and my boo way are tight May to me when you start thinking, thinking you’re good, you already let your guard down.

So so, yeah, definitely. Take these five and you got to tune in for the next five. Yeah, we’ll do this six through 10. Next week. So you all tune in. But thank you for listening. And this is toy with the relation shop. Jason and Eric are here. Yeah, I got a email sent him in. Come on in. Nano Nano Anonymous. Anyway, way we do another instead of making up a name. Anyway, any emails you can email set the relation shop that power 77 radio dot io. Thank you. Peace out

Leave a Reply