[THE RELATIONSHOP] Netflix’s A Marriage Story (Episode #21)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is the relation shop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with riel relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. If you want us to answer any of your questions, please send them to the relation Shop at power 77 radio dot com. So, Jason, what do you have for us today? Listen, I think sometimes people are worried with these questions. Just know that we don’t actually say the real name of who sent it in. So when we say the question was from Jessica, it wasn’t really Jessica.

So, if you have a question, we’re not going to use your real name. You don’t have to worry about your spouse’s listening this like a me from 1 to 3 main stereo way switch the names we protect anonymity Way might not give you good advice, but we will protect way. Here’s from quote Lindsay Live every day, all right, I’m having an issue with myself that my husband is having a difficulty with May. I grew up in a single parent home. My dad left us when I was four years old, so obviously my mother has always been everything growing up, she has never remarried.

All right, so it’s a lot of questions. You go way, have the context. Here we go. She’s been very involved in my life, including helping me and my husband, Derek. If that’s his real name, pay for the wedding, helping us with finances and other things new new married couples go through. My husband and I both agree I spend too much money with my mother or too much time. Sorry, not money, Probably money to I don’t know too much time with my money with my mother, but I feel guilty because she’s been there so much for me.

And now for Derek. My mother is a rock star, and I don’t want to hurt her or lose her support as well. What should I do to break away from my mother and still maintain the relationship? What can I expect? Go is my question. I sent this question and it’s me questions, questions. Your is your question. You just say you’ve experienced to having diffuse Thing is you’re literally your question. This just hit some. So do you want to address it? Or you would need our help. Todo let’s do it.

So, that was a long question. Let me just so basically, in a nutshell, Mom has been there. She supported. She has been the rock star. And now husbands, a little jealous, has spent all his time with my mom. How doe I? How do I soften it with Mom? And but But me more? How do I do this? That’s a good question, I guess. All about healthy expectation batteries right here is that at the other day, those would be my first question. So let’s say that, um that the question ask her was sitting right with us.

I would I would want to know. I would want to know. Does your mom expect that the money she provides gives her extra access and has an expectation that you should x y Z? That would be where I want to start, because it’s so. That’s an unhealthy Here’s money with some strings attached. That’s one question. Talk about the next question I would want to ask, said Person would be Are you fearful if you set a healthy boundary with your mom that the finances will dry up and do you depend on him and Needham right?

cause all those we’re gonna if we just took the relationship by itself with nothing else, then it you just simply say, you need healthy expectations. Your your primary role is wife, not daughter anymore. The moment you get married, all the other roles you play, the other hats you have. Ah, brother, sister, uncle, daughter, son. All those takes secondary role to husband or wife. All right, so you got to set healthy expectations and boundaries, and you got to be on the same page with your spouse. But all those other things complicated.

Do you need the money that she expected the money means? Or does she give it freely and you can still set boundaries? And she’s good? Yeah, Here’s what I would also throw out to Lindsay. All right, so So she’s got She’s got to think how Derek would think of Lois. She’s thinking how Lindsay would think so. As a guy, Guy wants to be a provider. There’s a pride thing in that now and then also. Now Mom’s coming in and doing what Derek thinks he should be doing, and we got we got a little bit of a pride thing going.

I wonder if Lindsay, if ever, even maybe in a fight, if Lindsay ever makes a suggestion. Or so I was never which we will never be able to get without my mom. You know, if she gives those digs in, that’s going to create even more of a wedge for Derek to go. Listen, I gotta get Mom out here, because now she’s using Mom’s finances as a Web way. We talk about love leg, which is the stuff. I don’t know what Derricks is, but you’re taking that away from him.

And there is There is that pride thing that a guy needs of No. One. He’s taking care of his family. And if Mom was doing it, man, that’s a shot to the pride. A little bit, sir. So you got to think about. So if this were Utoya, right? It’s Lindsay, though. Waiting for Lindsay from your Lindsay has another question. Now. Lindsay’s question is what? What does she tell her mom, huh? How did what is the next step with Mom? So now Lindsay’s like, okay, you know, I know my husband needs to come first, but how do you start to set those actual boundaries with the mob with Mom.

You have an adult conversation. Hey, Mom, you know I love you to death. You’re my best friend, blah, blah, blah. But I’ve also noticed that our relationship the time I spend with you talk with you, did it a is negatively impacting my relationship with Derek. And so I think, for the health of our marriage, I need to take a little bit of a step back in our relationship and give some specifics around what that might look like. Like, we’re not gonna talk four times a day or or we’re not gonna hang out three times a week or blah, blah, blah and ah, you know, also say was so grateful for the financial help and that kind of stuff.

But if me hanging out with you all the time is tied to that or whatever and you need to cut that back then then that’s fine, too. Yep. Yeah. Maybe if there is a financial need that they really need Mom, You know what? Maybe Mom could incorporate Derrick a little bit and not just goto Lindsay all the time, But maybe Mom can have a conversation with Derek. Derek could have a conversation with Mom, and they need to work on that on their end and just take Lenzi out because that’s got to be a little pressure for Lindsay, right?

She’s right in the middle, take a little bit of the lead and have a chat with Mom to get stuff. Especially if Mom decides. Oh, now I’m gonna play the victim, and I’m going to be like, Oh, you don’t appreciate me, your honor me or love me. And then and then and eso um, but a proper, healthy biblical leaving Cleave Mary O requires leaving space and cleaving greater connection to spouse than the This will be a healthy threesome with Derek and Lindsey and Mom to sit down and have a chat.

Well, that’s I wouldn’t use that word. That should be a healthy conversation twosome between Lindsay and Mom first. And if Derrick needs to be a part later, he could jump on in that. That’s That’s our thoughts, Lindsay. Let us know how it goes. That’s it. That’s it, Lindsay, Thanks for the question. Right. But thanks for the question. E Bell is right to let us go. Todo love follow updates way would love talking about. All right, so for any other questions, anybody else have questions again? We’ll change your name.

Don’t worry about it like we did for Lindsay. And, uh, email that into the relation shop at power 77 radio dot com. Way doing today? I feel a little different vibe in the studio today. So we were on Netflix not too long ago and we caught this movie by a kylo ren and black widow. That’s like more fight except for any action at all hours. Yeah, I mean, Kylo Ren like Darth Vader’s grandson. You think there’s stuff? Awesome. There’s gotta be something. Guess what? Dry was an indie film

So it was drama. That is about the mayor story. For those you don’t know this gov called the marriage story in the film is code for sucks, right for quote artistic Just, you know, with houses that aren’t put together Well, they’re like all its craftsman style. Yeah, Okay, so you’re able to kind of interpret it your own way. They don’t really give you all the information, but anyway, so we checked out this movie starring Kylo Ren and Black widow. In other words, and by checked out What happened?

Waas We checked. Toya and her husband watched it and roll. Jason and I have Great. You guys got to go walk right now. It’s saying that I mean, this seems to be like the talk. This this I don’t get it. But this movie seems to be the talking that next dude, wait. Honest way. Jason, You always like to be vulnerable here. I could not watch it in one sitting. I watched part of it as much as I could, and then I couldn’t stomaching. I paused it and I came back later, sitting show for me absolutely saying, you know, I get it.

I was waiting for the light sabers to bust out somebody to goto war battle. But nothing would have been nice to see somebody killed a bit nice A little bit. Okay, Lauren, fight would have been you. Could you throw that in? They didn’t kill their marriage. Not watch. It has disconnected watching or listening here cause we’re going to tell you what we’re going to dig into this movie like, first of all my opinion, Waas It should not have been called marriage story because it didn’t end that way.

Um, but also I get it because it’s a reflection of marriages in our culture, and it’s just really, really, really sad, saying the reflection of a crappy marriages called Divorce Story. That’s really it is a four story is really what this movie was about, so but there were a lot of key things that I took away from watching it. So first off, you know, I got a long list. I took away 1 30 minutes show we’re that close it up into the o todo. First of all, um, Adam Driver plays Charlie the husband, and he’s a director in Theatre in New York, and his wife, Scarlett Johansson, who plays Nicole, was his.

You know, she’s like the star actress and all their shows, right? So but one thing she loves, she said that she loved about him, meaning in their marriage in the movie is that he’s able to read people so well, right? And I feel like that happens a lot in our culture today where you’re able to perform so well at work. But then when you get home, you don’t do that same thing for your spouse. Why is it. You strive for the best at work and to get, you know, a raise or to become number one and you work as hard as you can.

Stay up all night, work long hours, and then you go home and give your spouse all the leftovers. I’m gonna answer that. All right? Yeah, I tell you that you’re rest over there past. So I’m telling you why. Because it’s an ego. Straight. You don’t get your ego stroked at home where Bob’s big boy bows to your feet because you’re the big direct. Your jokes are funny. Yeah, of course they are. So now, yes. So you’re the greatest guy ever. And I’m gonna stroke ego because you’re the boss, right?

But at home, it’s like, Can you do a dish every now then? Right, Right. So beauty chilled people with that joke today. Yea, that’s easy way. Okay. We gotta work on feeling each other up at home. You just translate. She’s tried to save filling f i l l i n g You heard feeling each other up and I think that it’s okay you want now. This show just got better. It did. I just put that in the rare story would have been a way way? A. I agree.

I think there’s two sides. There’s two sides to that thing. One is what you said, Jason, which is we’re We’re out here performing. People are appreciating us. We and pats on the back and you get home and you don’t get that right. You’re obviously gonna want to put more time wherever you’re being appreciated. Most right? There’s this other little nuance that happens with a lot of marriages where the skills that make you good at your job actually make you a crappy spouse and you don’t know how to come home and turn them off.

All right, explain. Let me explain. So I have some good friends that I’ve met with multiple times, and the wife is a prosecuting attorney about the skills that make you a great prosecuting attorney. Cross examining. And are you putting everything in line? Now you come home. Do you think that the spouse ever wins an argument? Okay, and so you can’t be that at home. I know another another couple where the guy is an athletic trainer, and he made the comment in a counseling session Why don’t have any problems like this with my clients.

But my wife and? And I had to tell him. Well, your husband, not a trainer and write Your wife is not a client. She’s your spouse. So you don’t train her. You. So sometimes the skills that make us great in our jobs actually make us ah, terrible spouse if we apply them directly, which I mean, which it all goes back to communication. And we talked about lovely. Just all that. But communication is being and that’s what I’ve noticed about this move. So at the beginning of this movie, right?

Yeah, the They were advised to talk about the positives of each other. Right? So that would be kind of start. Yeah, that that you hear about why she loves him and all that. But But this is just the movie narrating that she never really gets around to telling him she wouldn’t read the list, right? Yes. You want to read it right? So fast forward to the end of the movie. Sorry to ruin this whole movie for you, but this is basically it. You didn’t ruin anything. Jason saved thes people’s two hours of their life will never get back.

You’re welcome. Donations can be sent in. That’s right. The relationship at 77 Radio Exactly so fast Forward there at the end. The sun is sitting there reading these attributes or whatever and they’re both visually watching him do that, and it hits them that Wow. You know, I kind of did love that person. So it’s like, really, we went 32 hours of that. Geez, to read the letter at that counter front end and love again. Souto communication were pride and all that steps in. And you’re not communicating, actually, how you feel about the person or really, what made you fall in love with that person in the first place?

Yeah, so, yeah, that was a good thought. I needed to watch the movie with Toya and probably got more out of it cause I didn’t get any of this. But now you’re talking about it makes sense. What else did you get out of this? So going back to what? You just talked about the counseling session where they should have read why they love each other to each other, right? That that was the assignment. So how does that happen? Like you made up your mind? You want to get separated because this isn’t a calls character.

Now she’s made up her mind. She wants a divorce because for 10 years she sacrificed in her marriage. Her husband has sacrificed it all for her. And of course, this happens a lot in marriages. But now she’s to the point where 10 years has gone by. She sacrificed the entire 10 years. Now she’s had. She’s afraid to read this list because she’s like I have made up my mind. So what happens when you have someone stubborn? That’s like I’ve made up my mind But you know, good and dog on whale that they still love their spouse like, What do you do?

I think you said it. I think you said the one word. Afraid, fear, fear is it when she’s being a fear of everything, I mean, for years, you get hurt again. Exactly. Yes. So she’s living with this fear of Kyla. Rid What way should do that is your dad, Larry The Cable Guy episode as a hold everything through the cable guy meets Star Wars that don’t get a show, so you know, but she’s living it. It’s the fear. The fear is what keeps people from being vulnerable is what my opinion.

I think you don’t want to let that Ben and that much hurt, and there’s no hope that anything will be different down the road. And so you just go men for 10 years there will have along this person is not thought about me not understood me, not listen to me. And so why would I believe there’s anything different which goes back to what we’ve talked about multiple times on this show? Where’s the community? Where is the hope that somebody else can draw her husband into account and say she has some dreams and ideas to cause she I’m not talking about the stuff.

And so really, what you’re saying is like when they got into that, their identity was already established by something else. Yeah, and they just create. They just basically merged their identities and one of them when their identities didn’t match. Oh, some we haven’t issue, Sure. I mean, it’s just like anything else. You know, you you want to know that your spouse thinks you’re great, right? And if you don’t and other people make you think you’re great, your identity gets wrapped up in whatever that thing is, it makes it harder toe.

So I guess I guess she didn’t think she was so great when he said, You should die. I make that. I wish you were dead to me. But she didn’t write it like Darth Vader’s grandson came. That was positive of the show. I did enjoy the O to her. I wish you would die. Yeah, I mean, he yelled that she didn’t flip. She didn’t cry. She just walked over there and she held him and he crying in her arms. When she hold them. I was choking on what you think that that right?

There is a lesson for any married couple that doctor John Gottman would say. That is a great repair attempt in the mist of conflict. Somebody does something to minimize the conflict and reconnect with their spouse. That’s a huge move. Issues, And that just minimized. But I get from that. Maybe she actually saw where that came from. In other words, she removed herself from that scenario. Saw him. And so where that pain was coming from, Maybe I don’t know about the nothing is as we talk about this, we’re actually making this movie sound better than way.

Watch it and go matting. Any of that crap about got to do something? Yeah. You know, there was one thing. It was interesting since we we were addressing Lindsay’s question about the mom. Yes, I remember at one point, was it It was her mom? Yeah, that was like telling her Well, like even if you guys divorce, I mean, me and Charlie have a relationship, so we’re gonna remain for That was a little weird. Charlie’s relation was weird, but I thought, Man, how many times does that kind of sequence come into couples who are struggling where it’s like, Come on, man.

Now you’re placing your relationship with your in law over your relationship with your own kids. You can’t tell your own kids. Hey, man, you could divorce him, but we’re still gonna be tight. Yeah, that may be where a positive for a second. Right there on that one. Yeah. Okay. But but let’s talk about this. So So the reality is I mean, we talked about divorce. No, that stuff. But there is a time where it’s OK to. I think it’s OK to actually separate and healthy. Okay, Right.

Physically separate. Physically separate. Let’s go down. Let’s go down the window. You, Jason. Okay, on this s o. So here’s what I’ve come up with. I’m ready. I am ready. Just say you’re going to get ripped to shreds on this. I didn’t do research claim personal opinion rules. Would you come up with these ideas? Pull matter here from the bunnies? Danny, that’s another episode. I was watching the bunny. Okay. All right. So I know somebody like Jason Topping. Great. I can see some balls being loved. Way go.

I thought of you and I wrote this. So number one You ready? First of all, you don’t separate with the intention to get away from the other person. You separate with the intention to actually work out the issues separate long enough to take your corners, right? Not that I You know that, right? I could support that road. Your good number two. All right. So, initially, especially the only communication that you do, right? You gotta have a mediator, because that takes the emotion out of it. Emotion back and forth gets nowhere.

So right. You gotta have the mediator in between. The kind of soften that emotional bit a dependent on the volatility and toxicity my might go without were initially for shooting half way number. So you always spend time with friends that have their objective, right? Not the particular friends. And tell you what you want to hear. You got it spent. Have any friends that are gonna head friends? My friends? Yeah. Bias still No. Okay. You gotta searches. That’s not easy. Didn’t like number two and 3/4 way. He wasn’t one of them.

He tried, Teoh 1/4 of that one over there. Al Gore, your biggest on that goes to number four. Stay off social media. Oh, my God. Social media will ruin your life there at this point, because way broke your ego posting blast. Not just posting, but the minute you put on your status. Separated? You got everybody coming out of the woodworks telling you what you want to hear? Because there’s an agenda behind every post, huh? Gender. So stay off. I don’t know nothing about that, but All right, All right. Way.

Okay, good. Come on. About a four, really? 2.5 out of four. And and I worked out Well, that’s a different issue. Give us five number. All right, this one. I’m gonna get ripped on for sure. Okay, you got it. Stay away from alcohol because alcohol will make you believe that whenever you’re saying is truth and whatever their sinister, you got to stay away from the alcohol from this. I’m telling you should have stopped it for telling you what that is for everybody not separated people. Okay? We’re talking about people drinking is going to make an argument.

OK, so we’re talking about it is a spread it you should have stopped it for. And you want a five c through? In what? Your favorite favorite things. Yeah. Get back about four or so. I’m not like the next book. Uh, we’ll see you on that. I probably doesn’t jokes in there. You might make it. 01 of em. Yeah. Okay. So tell me where I’m wrong. I don’t think anything is wrong. I don’t know if I would write that down Is a prescription for it? I think so.

Here’s how about we do this. I don’t want tell you where you’re wrong. I’ll tell you what I liked best. Yeah, number one best. Yeah, which is the number. So I’m not. A lot of people want to separate, right? That’s always the answer. When you’re married couples, I think we should just have a separation. I’m always gonna ask why. Well, I just think distance would be good for us. Here’s Here’s what I know. Marriage is tough. Yeah, if you have a spouse and kids at home at home is not always the most peaceful place to be It’s a place where you got to engage.

You gotta work. You got to be emotionally present. So I think sometimes even for healthy couples, if you said, hey, I’m gonna separate for a while It would be like, God bless this. I gotta go to work. And I get to come home to an empty house where I don’t have to see what your wife needs. You want to see what your kids need? So I think sometimes this separation creates a little fantasy world of man. This is You know what? This is so much more peaceful Yetis.

Even in a healthy marriage, going home to a house by yourself is way more peaceful than a house full of screaming kids and a dog and a wife who’s tired. So I think sometimes couples get separate. It’s like, Oh, this is a piece I was looking for yet us a piece we’re all looking for. That’s not the reality of commitment of marriage. And so I think the idea of I’m not separating for space and peace I’m separating. So I’m ill Usually tell couples about the only reason I I would support separation is if it is a dangerous environment at home.

Either you being physically abusive to each other or it has gotten so emotionally toxic that I’ve known some couples where there’s no physical abuse. But one spouse is now on blood pressure, medicine and other stuff because the emotional toxicity has affected them. So you wouldn’t even say we separate eso every time we come home and night. It’s just an emotional were back and forth, and we’re not accomplishing anything you wouldn’t. I was afford I would first try to push towards an in house separation where if you can sleep in separate rooms or we can agree while we’re going to counseling or while we’re getting some help that we’re not going to try to address any issues by herself at home, we’re just gonna keep it logistical.

Hey, you got to pick up the kids. I got to pick up the kids who’s doing what who’s doing what until we can get you both to a healthier place. But I think the idea of said what I like, what you said is the idea of separation is we’re separating for a fixed period of time, right, and here’s the people that are in both of our lives, and here is the plan and we’re both working on some stuff individually. That will make our reunification more successful, cause sometimes they go, We just need to separate for 30 dres and then we’ll try it again.

No place. Nothing’s changed. You just brought the same two people with a 30 day break back together like they’re magically going to know how to do start. And so that’s my my general. Thoughts on separation would be for a period of time with a plan with people helping in the plan and some fixed markers along the way, like we’ll meet it next time and this time and this time to work it out. Yeah, that makes sense of that and community. Another reason why community is so important that you need people around you when you’re going through times like this.

So but thanks you also. If you all want to check out the movie, then check that clicks. Pay attention to something that maybe we didn’t talk about, that you noticed. And let’s just fight for each other’s relationships. And I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. Thank you all for joining us on the relationship. Don’t forget to email him in the relationship. Power 77 radio dot com

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