[THE RELATIONSHOP] Bringing Baggage Into the Relationship (Episode #20)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. What is? Oh, and if you want us to answer any of your questions, please send them to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. And Jason today. Yeah, yeah, we got one from Alana. A lot of from Frisco. All right, here we go. She says, Hey, I love your show. I’m single and I’m having a tough time looking for a good guy.

Don’t seem serious to take the relationship to the next level. So here’s the question. So I’m warning. What advice can you give me to find a good guy that would want to get married, which is jumping into Mary? Well, sorry, but they’re all married already. There’s none left. That’s what you’re saying. Find one that’s already buried. Nothing. Todo clearly not. All right, that’s a whole different show. It could be a good show. How so? What’s the question again? How to find a good guy or what I do are you s O s?

Oh, yeah. She wants to know what can advice. What kind of advice can we give her to find a good guy that would want to get married? Wow. Well, does she have some idea of what the ideal husband for her would be? So that’s my question is a good guy. What does a good guy being? I mean, that’s I could go all over the board, a good guy. Yeah, because I mean, the guy you husband, are all really good. We’re all really this service. This is true.

And you’re right. That that brings up a good thing. Like what are you looking for? I know, Um I know of a lady that said that she wanted a Southern man that had that southern charm because she thought she wanted to be a stay at home wife. And when she got that type of man, she realized that wasn’t what she wanted. Show a redneck doesn’t even make any sense. I like Southern. If you want to be a stay at home mom, you find to do with a hard work ethic and a good in their show like a reality show called Southern Charm or something.

I never saw that to mix all those guys down there. They can’t hold down a job. And they all got Southern charm, old money and in South Carolina or something s way. We’re not helping a lot. Llamas. Probably not looking for a guy with Southern charm and no job no. Here. Here’s where I’m seeing the problem. The problem is, she got a list. It sounds like we got a list of. Here’s what I don’t know if she needs a list. What? I don’t know. Do list work list one workman.

Well, listen, if you don’t know what you’re shooting, that you ain’t hitting the target. There’s at least so okay, But what I mean is you can have your list. And I met this guy and he’s got everything on that list that I want. That’s like a better start than I met this dude and he got nothing because I really don’t know. I don’t know. It’s always know what you’re saying, Jason, because some women can get wrapped up in jealous. Yeah, that’s what I was saying. You know, You know what he thinks?

My question is, is having a list Or is it what’s on the list? That’s wrong. Yes. So if I got a list. And on the list are things like integrity, things like has a good job. Things like share similar values to me, things like come from a good family, things like there’s nothing wrong with that. Now, if it’s like used to be 6366 this neighborhood, this type of job, you know that all that stuff is fleeting, right? They could be making 1/2 1,000,000 loser job the day after they say I do.

Then your priority is now gone and you got married and we got an issue. So I would say this. Let’s say this, Alana. First, I’m looking for somebody that has values that line up with my values. What are the things most important to you? You want to find someone that that lines up with that too? Are you the kind of person the person on your list would actually want to marry? Right. Sometimes you got your ideal person, but that ideal person ain’t marrying the current You. What were you doing to make yourself the kind of person that will be a great catch for somebody else?

Yeah. Yeah. This goes along with the values what you’re saying. But I’m telling you, this is got to start. The first thing is religious. Whatever religion you think you are, you better match somewhat in that because that’s where your That’s what I tell about telling my girls all the time. I tell me it’s like Christian values because if you think well, okay, I could marry somebody. He’s got his values. I got my butt. But you think different. You just think different. There’s no way that you can have this communication and everything clicking well, when you really your your religious values or that far apart.

I just think you get there, you gotta start there. Yeah, you. And you’re making the assumption that their religious values are one of the core values that there’s some people that like, Well, my religious face like number 10 on the list. You got away with it. Number one. Yeah, you’re in. Yeah, I would say that if I had to give if I was getting married tomorrow or if I was looking for someone to marry tomorrow. Two of my non negotiables. I probably talked about this before. I want to find somebody who already is is serving other people in some capacity who can do anything for them. Why?

Because that shows me this person’s heart is to serve because I know that’s what The heart of marriages. I don’t need someone who will serve me on Lee when they like me, and only when they need something from me. I want someone whose heart is to serve because that’s who they are that the number 12 would be. Do they have good community around them and accountability and a track record of people who can hold them to account. The problem I see with a lot of ladies, is when they marry a guy who and I’m gonna give you 57 different descriptors.

Well, he’s kind of quote private. Well, he gets along better with women. Well, who he just stuck. Doesn’t have a whole lot of friends. Well, he just kind of keeps to him any time I start here. In that, what I hear loud and clear is they don’t have anybody that can hold them accountable. And if they don’t have anyone that can hold him accountable, they’re not gonna let you hold them accountable. And when you run into an issue in your marriage. You’re out on a limb by yourself.

I was gonna say you’re screwed, but then I didn’t know we could do it. But then I just did. So it’s out there. You got nobody who can call your spouse into account, and we all know that’s a key to Mary to go. So a lot of needs to go Thanksgiving Day to the homeless shelter to see who’s serving turkey. That’s what she needs to say. So that’s a little bit shallow and narrow and specific. Come on, there’s lots of ways. Does this person Maybe they serve at their church?

Does this person are they the kind of person when someone needs help moving into an apartment, they’re willing to help out. There’s lots of ways to see how they serve. You just have to be at a mission for homeless or we’re going to meet this guy. I meet this guy church. You could meet this guy at work. You could meet this guy lots of different classic. That’s the big question is what advice can you give me where I can go find this guy? So you need it a lot of continue to do what you love to do.

And just like Eric said, make sure that you are that person that you would want to marry. And as long as you live your life like that, he’s gonna come run on along from toy. Just drop the mic, come out on that. If you have any questions, e mailed them the relationship. It’s our 77 radio dot com. So here’s what we’re talking about today. This is This is like I’m the softball pitcher throwing up a lob to you guys with your dirty showing any oh, bringing baggage into the relationship.

That’s our topic today. Is there possible that any of your shows have anything like that? You can’t be just a little bit. Yeah, maybe a little bit. I mean, it’s in churches. You just getting after that shows for sure. Right now, you’re gonna savage in the relationship. Well, so we just watched an episode on with, uh What What is it? 90 day. And we were looking at Mike and Italia. Eyes from the northwest and Italian is from the Ukraine, and I’m noticing the baggage already with her. She was divorced, you know, She has a fear of another failed marriage and also raising kids with a nonbeliever because she has revealed now that she’s a Christian, Um, and he believes in ancient alien aliens like Like, do not deliver.

I believe in science. Yeah, I really hesitated to bring it up the aliens because you knew that was his. Kill them. Yeah, that as well, in a way. Not a lot from them looking back. And Mike, where did he come from? You don’t really know his history. All you know is he lives by himself. In the middle of nowhere he bought is his dad’s farm, that he cannot afford 51 his uncle, who’s his ranch. And okay, I can understand where he says anyway, but his I don’t know his his baggage he’s bringing it is, is a single man, and he’s avoiding conflict because he doesn’t want to share with her that he’s in a huge amount.

But he thinks he’s gonna send for this girl to come over. Sorry, not his girl but his fiancee to come to America, and you won’t even tell her he’s in debt and she she’s ready to have kids right and she She seems real sweet, but have you noticed? Have you noticed everything with her? She compares him. Teoh and my ex didn’t want kids, so I had to divorce him. And now the first thing she asked cause we gotta have kids. My ex was this Christian, and I want him to be this Christian.

So everything. Everything she is comparing him to is the eggs, which, uh, that triggered that. The whole nother. Yeah, bringing the X baggage. Yeah, that thing. You know, she said the X went the church with her, and he was a believer. Only thing is, he just didn’t want kids. So now she’s like, OK, I really want kids. But now she’s with Mike who is not a believer. Yeah, And that’s now what? That’s become big toe hurt. You don’t believe in God now? Yeah, way we’re going to church together, and then you don’t have kids.

So now I divorce you. If she didn’t forget to look in Scripture while they’re going t o see that you’re asking us to get into far second hesitations nine. If your spouse does not want kids. Yeah, leave them familiar. Like a sermon. I recently heard about people that call themselves Christians. But that don’t really walk that out. That so I don’t know. I don’t know. That knows what he’s talking about. I think I slept through that one. Yeah, you freakin all night, Saturday night, it’s hard to get up.

Well, I drink all that beer, that service. All right, let’s identify some baggage. So you said you said that this couple, she had a divorce. So she was bringing some baggage from whatever that looked like, right? Any any pain that may have happened in that relationship in any insecurities, that kind of stuff. You say he’s coming in with some financial debt. So maybe some of his baggage is You don’t know how to manage money, right? The lives you say lives in a tent in the country he lives.

He lives in a his name. So his uncle is his uncle Farm handed. It sounds like you growing up. I wear my it’s even worse. That’s where Uncle doesn’t have teeth. Teeth, at least Come on. So what are some list? Let’s identify. How do you know what are some sources of baggage? Maybe bring it into a relationship could be a list right there. I mean, you guys, that’s my point. You know what? You know what we took? We brought right of religion, and I’ll add stuff earlier, and and that can be a big with religious baggage.

I mean, you’re talking about what were we talking about? Just functional religion. Or just because I got some religious stuff with me, I didn’t think it was baggage, that it was a positive Well, you know. OK, so I’m going back to like we watched the old Leah Remini sign s so called We’re talking about colds. But even on that, since it could be a lower level of legalism, just go legalism. Ugo happened cultish. Yeah, but on the extremes of that, you e mean with Leah Remini. That whole thing is they’re all about control.

So how did they do that? I mean, they they screw you up emotionally, abusing you, get your family turning against you. You know, they manipulate the whole thing for years, and you don’t think you got baggage from that. I mean, even if you think you’ve overcome that and you leave the church, I mean those guards. There were some tough scar. That legalism you’re talking about is huge. Because then you start looking at every relationship as a Everything’s a transaction at that point, right? If I’ve done X, y and Z enough, then I should receive in reciprocation A B and C s.

So we start operating on that. And that could be that could be a dangerous relationships approach, I think. Right. And another celebrity, Demi Moore actually came out with her own little memoir on yeah, where she actually revealed I was looking at USA Today and she kind of revealed that she was raped at 15. Which, of course, causes a lot of insecurity, A lot of pain, just a lot of hurt. And then that led her to substance abuse, both cocaine and alcohol. Um And so she talked about that and, you know, just her life in the eighties and what it was like meeting Bruce and what it was like meeting Ashton and how Ashton just made her feel young again.

But then, despite all of that, do not marry a guy that runs the show called some point. Yeah, you’re ending. And so there were There was a 15 year difference between them. And she said, in the marriage she found herself compromising for her young love, throwing away years of sobriety and inviting others into her marriage. So she reveals a lot of that in her book. Um, yeah. So that’s just another did me more. Basically, character was fax off. What she makes sure I understand. Backs off what she does.

Believes just to please her new husband years younger. Yeah. Wow. I mean, that’s that’s, um, big baggage. But, you know, I mean, I guess that is it that fear of losing him or were way? Yeah, I think Probably got a few things in there, right. Ah, need or want for acceptance is going to cause you to compromise your values and that kind of stuff you may have, depending on past relationships, fear of rejection or abandonment. And so if you’re operating out of fear, you’re gonna be making decisions that are not rational.

Can you abandon maybe so bad that you go? Sure. Honey, we can invite others in a relationship. Yes. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. Just just on. Let’s just take Let’s bring it back to average couples. Now. We’re not talking about the extremes We’re talking about average people. There are lots of people who, based on their family of origin or past relationships they come into future relationships with. Let’s just take those two rejection and abandonment where there is a legitimate fear of that you have been left by a spouse before.

You’ve had every boyfriend girlfriend cheat on you. You had a parent leave and divorce when you’re growing up and and somehow you bought into that, it’s somebody had to do with you. Then you go into a relationship. There’s always gonna be a fear of If conflict gets too great, this person may leave me, and so you will be apprehensive in really sharing constructive criticism or complaints. You’re gonna bow out and then you talk about talk about two couples coming in with This is old, probably a whole another show.

But when you got to people’s wounded Nus who marry each other. So let’s take the person who comes in with some rejection and abandonment issues, and then you got the other person who comes in who their their house was conflict diverse. So any time there was conflict, people would kind of get quiet and withdraw Those are the two pieces of baggage they marry each other, and now the person with rejection and abandonment they get into a conflict. The other person’s tendency is to withdraw, avoid because they turned into it back in their family of origin.

It blew up and got crazy and physical. So they withdraw. And now you got the person with the a rejection of Bannerman issues, whose spouses withdrawing from them that’s gonna put him back. Yeah, which is going to cause them to pursue even mawr, which causes the withdrawal, were to withdraw even more. So you see the cycle of we haven’t dealt with our personal wounded nous and now we come into marriage in this lag oil and gas on the fire and exploding. So you’ve got to do some work on saying, What did I bring in and how do I heal some of that you mentioned?

That’s Ah, probably a whole another show to with just sexual abuse cause sexual abuse is a kid that is gonna twist sexuality some way. And there’s probably 100 different ways that comes out from anti sexto, super promiscuous, the same sex, because it’s not just sex abuse. But actually, where I grew up, there were three guys on the street that got into pornography. Young, uh, all in jail for sex, sex, pornography, which today? Society. We seem to think that seems to be normal. There’s some scars, Manu bringing that scar in.

And that is that That that one’s overlooked to me, that people kind of overlooked that one. But But you gotta know to You gotta take time with this stuff because, I mean, we’re talking this could a years. Yeah. So we’re through. Absolutely. There’s a lot of people just aren’t even aware, right? You know of their They haven’t really looked back and dunce himself reflecting the see light. What is wrong with me? Get to what it is. Well, let’s do some self reflecting right now. Tell me, as you reflect back on your marriage and coming into marriage with some of the what may be one area of baggage you recognized that was hurting you guys early on that you recognizing addressed and have improved.

I’m going to go for myself. I’m going to say I would want to avoid conflict, probably so I wouldn’t want to address things all the time. Um, I had some serious insecurities and myself, so I think that that kind of was an issue. And with a mind, he was a serial dater, and that was something that I really didn’t. That’s a nice way of saying hey, say, on play, I was thinking the same thing, but anyone wearing boo I got busted off Boo Last a serial dater.

Only because he was that guy that was never single. Like he would bounce around so he would leave one and goes right to the next one. And I didn’t really realize a what kinds of different names. So is it was just a, uh, toy. The toy. A player? Yeah. Females could be playing I, but I wasn’t. May the player, not the game way that there are things that are things and then have a really good friend, that is let me see. Um, unrequited. Like she, um, crushes meaning, Meaning they wouldn’t let go of a crush.

So you’re in a relationship and you’re still crushing on someone else, have you? Have you heard of that? Uh, being unfaithful? Not like dating this other person, but just like Okay, let’s say your date like, Okay, I’m dating Ahmad, right? But I’ve always had this other crush. So even though I’m dating a mind, I’m still thinking about this crush that this guy that I never was with that I’m dreaming about. You have a friend that kind of going through that I’m trying to break that. But anyway, the crickets from us that we were both sitting over there and go hope that friends not I, Jill talking to like her because if so, they need toe Requip that whatever the anti of unrequited Teoh Just some some things that I thought about, you know, with me and people I know.

Yeah, to me, like you like, may I mean I have to deal with the insecurities I give from my pastor, bro, busting my chops every week, you know? So at the come over there one more time, that was getting better there. I like that now. I mean, for me, actually, my goes way back to childhood stuff where? Okay, so I’m not a big guy. So when I do that voice that, like, bring back bad. No idea. E get all kinds of stuff. Bradley quit that boy’s right will be.

Oh, tell me, do you go my support system? Accountability. So anyway, going back to childhood you just yeah, you just made me lose it all Now I take you up So going back todo really bitter I’m not the biggest guy So it’s fun words How words were not the biggest guy. Ahmad was a serial dater who enjoy sharing his personality with a variety of people at different times. Let’s call spade spade going use Aaliyah And I was little I was little growing up growth. So where is your words?

Got you know here in that I was always a little this guy, right? And so over time as you fast forward to go So my lips right now Just you know I’m tryingto you are you so that I am doing so many things really picked today 16 December way long story short All these insecurities from my young fast forward came into my I don’t even know where to go with this Now you you may be losing All right, so here we go. So what that did was that self esteem issues we’re going with.

So yes, that played into my marriage and my relations, and I don’t even know no. Let’s go back to talking about the way Yeah, so anyway, OK, so in summary, we have insecurities. You? Yeah, I think for anybody, here’s the reality. Every single person getting married is bringing in some level of baggage period. Live in a fallen world were in relationship with other people. And because we’re all have a selfish nature, we hurt each other. Different people have different levels, but I think you have to. Before you step into a relationship, you have to do some work recognizing what are the things in May that caused me to respond out of fear or pain rather than responding to the person the way I should?

And then in relationship, If you’re already married and you see yourself in cycles, there’s a thing called the pain and Peace cycle, and so sometimes you react a certain way based on pain, which then causes another week. We get stuck in these cycles, so I think things like rejection issues, abandonment issues, father issues, unhealthy conflict styles, personal insecurities, fears of the partner being faithful or not shame from past sexual relationships. There’s a number of different things that we bring in with us. But if you notice conflict in your relationship that is repetitive and sits in a cycle, that’s probably some baggage.

And if you’re not married, do the hard work of self improvement before you get into some. Yeah, I mean, before is the key word. Yeah, but some of these people are already in, so it’s like, Yeah, well, now you know, Go, go find some places. Maybe a counselor, maybe a recovery ministry, maybe a small group of men and women’s Bible study Somewhere where you could address what’s going on, Why not know with me? I mean, we just got to make like like, I had to make a conscious effort that Okay, whatever there’s, you know, we get in the argument or whatever comes on that my response to that argument the way I used to respond, I have to actually back off a little bit and remind myself this is not the same relationship I can’t treat.

It is the same relationship. So slowdown Exactly. So yeah, yeah, I’ll do some self reflecting. Figure out. What kind of baggage are you about to bring into a relationship Or have you brought into a relationship and clean met baggage up and get it out of there? Be careful so robust if yourself too. But just may just with me. Yes, yes. But thank you so much for joining us. And remember, if you have questions, comments or anything like that, please send them to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. I’m Toya. And with me, I have Eric and Jason.

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