[THE RELATIONSHOP] The Role of Sex in a Relationship (Episode #19)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. Hey, and if you want us to answer your questions, please send them to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. All right. Oh, yeah. You guys have a good holiday with Jessica. Jessica had a good holiday. We got Jessica down. She got us a question here. All right. You ready? No. So my husband and I used to be in good shape, Okay, But over the last seven years, he and I gonna straight with our diets.

However, I started to improve on my eating healthy. And I want my husband and join me in the journey. How do I convince him to eat? More healthy, You hear? Everybody here is silence. Just crickets. Cheese thing. I feel like the guy with the nickname after a vegetable should go first. Eggplant. I like transition. Okay, well, so what I’m saying this is her journey. I mean, I don’t see anything where he was on board from the beginning. So can you force a guy to get in on board on this.

If he’s not on board, I mean, you could probably shame of. Intuit has stomach. That’s good coming from the from the marriage guru. Just kidding. My question for Jessica Jessica. Yes, my question for Jessica is. Who does the grocery shopping so late? Does she do all the grocery shopping? Because if the house is filled with all healthy food, then he’s kind of forced. Try it now. That’s not saying that he’s going to be going to the fast food you no drive through before he comes home. He might be back on the way.

Probably do that. But at least you know, at home he’s kind of forced to make better decisions. And that’s all on him to make bad is good. That’s a start. I would say that’s a good start. Yeah, I mean, I don’t know. I mean, when you start dieting and I mean, I’ve been all that to you gotta want it right? So you don’t want if he doesn’t want it? I mean, how can she How could she make him do that? I don’t know. You might be on your own, Jessica. Yeah.

I think you can always influence. Really super, really. So it depends. It depends on us. But I’m a lazy eater. So I’m gonna eat whatever’s around. The only is not only a good is because eating good or healthy requires some planning and cooking. I’m not I’m not a chef like you down there. Bubbles. So I’m, like, hungry. I need some to eat. So for me, a serial where I talked about that I’m cereal, something easy. If someone makes something healthy for me, I’ll eat it. I talked Jessica just just like do what toys said Start bringing in some healthy groceries, trying to influence him a little and see what happens. Jessica.

You can get there. Ain’t no big deal. No big day, no big sneak a cheeseburger. You be so all right, let’s talk about today’s topic that I know you will enjoy talking about over there with your crazy shows, but we’re gonna talk about the role of sex in a relationship. We got you covered about the role of sex in a relationship. See some people already confused or like the role of I thought That’s what it’s all about, right? Isn’t that Let’s let’s start with your favorite shows over there.

Although I’m assuming most of these couples on your shows are remain pier aged virgins, you know, Right? Right. It’s wholesome area video on 90 day fiance Right now. I was thinking of Robert, and a So again, Robert is from New York, but he lives in Florida now, and Anne is from the Dominican Republic. And so now she’s in Florida with him. And recently I know where you’re going. Just be careful. You got Pastor Eric over there. He’s gonna jump over this. You ready? Way jumping on something down there?

Her birthday is coming up, and he’s like, What you want to do for your birthday? I’m gonna take you out And she was like, Let’s go, let’s go dancing. Let’s go to a strip club club eyes, karaoke, a strip club scene go dancing at this thing. This is magic. Mind is Yeah, right. So I was thinking, Yeah, they’re gonna probably go dancing. No, she was like, Let’s go to the strip club. So that’s where they ended up at a woman strip club. And so weight is you don’t want Mr you Call it when the women are the ones What do you look at me like?

I call it stripped the bubbles Or gentlemen’s club? What, you I don’t know. So just a club. But the ladies are the once turban. There you go. Gentlemen’s club, Where you got the Oh, do they have any? Both one of the other way. I don’t have a user to answer that, because it be like, Welcome to the stage Diamond everybody. And then the next ones, Like at what stage? Chocolate thunder. Like guys just get up and, um, head to the bar. Oh, no. He seemed pretty relaxed.

My stage name was white delight. Eso So she wanted to go to the gentleman’s club, right? She made him think it was about him. But it was you want episode? She was enjoying herself, So she is in. He didn’t like it and she had a lap dance. She did have She enjoyed her last dance, and he was over there looking like Yeah, you got to be kidding me. Yeah, eyebrows with him. Hey, you know what? I’m proud of the boy, you know, because he’s he’s holding to ISO.

He wasn’t happy about, you know? And he told her He’s like, You know, I’m seeing another side of you. I’m not appreciating this. I don’t like this. So the next day they go out for coffee to talk about the night before and she even said to him like I had a good time. She confessed that she’s not How do I say it? She’s not fully been with another woman, but she’s allowed another woman to do things her, and she then said, Your birthday is coming up. How about a threesome?

Yeah, he didn’t. Hey, didn’t like that. Sounds like she was really thinking to him, Right? Yeah, it’s getting off to a good start looking labor days coming up. And so I thought, Hey, why not? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So let’s celebrate the veterans a little different. This year has nothing to do with this guy. Come on, you don’t do it that way on. And then, later on, his sister came to town and she even told his little sister that they’re not getting it enough like she wants it like three times a week.

And he said, Look, Friday, Saturday, Sunday is good for me, but she’s like, No, I want it every single day weekend. Guy t like stock him up. He that’s what he wanted. 16 Saturday has to check Google calendars. You know, it’s not a Friday. Sorry. Yeah, that’s pretty much what he told her. So that’s kind of where they are in their sex life. Right? Which you would think your instincts doesn’t think most guys ago I’m in, but I don’t think so. I think most guys would be like that.

I don’t know what sounds need in theory with someone you don’t care about. But I think if you care about somebody would, like, hold up, bro. Uh, I don’t think so. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, that’s with a b mean even with Annie. She she is calling him boring, And you’re not fun pressuring him into doing that. So, you know? Yeah, there’s a lot going on there with her. So there. Yeah, he needed to run the other way. And that reminded me to of I know we kind of touched on to me more when she was married to Ashton Kutcher, you know, said that they were having issues towards the end because she felt pressured toe have a threesome because he was younger and that she felt like she needed toe keep up and keep him happy and keep him satisfied.

And that’s what she felt like she had to do in her marriage. Um, so it’s just right. And she was the one that said, That is what led to their divorce. Yes, the threesome is what led to their divorce. Go figure. Yeah, you figure that. So why don’t we ever want to bring somebody in and other areas like, Let’s let’s bring over a friend to clean it? Hey, I was thinking about, you know, day on the streets of C p. A. What if we brought him in on our budget talk?

Hey, Jessica, from your needs a cook, but it only around sex. We want to bring that their person. That’s a good I noticed. Toy is a great parent. I thought maybe we could bring her over, discipline our kids next weekend. Yeah, get a baby sitter. Wow, that’s true. That’s a good point. It is a good point. That’s what about that. I guess that that begs the question we’re wrestling with today. What is the proper or healthy role of sex in a relationship because it seems like when some of the stuff you guys were talking about and I think the culture we live in it has become not just a pillar or not just one of the legs of the marriage stool, but the primary, central, most important aspect of the relationship. Absolutely.

I mean, it’s all about the physical right. You establish physical first, which in my opinion, is backwards, right? You establish the physical first as faras the man. He looks good. I all right, She looks good and we gotta establish his sexual relationship first. And then we get into the actual relationship and we can’t figure out why it’s not working. Yes, it’s backwards, Pastor. Give us some Give some clue, man Clue man. Well, I guess I guess the the problem we live in today is sex is a god in our world, right?

It’s one of the primary. Focus is idle. It’s the most important thing. It’s the thing we talk about most. It’s the issues and many people are having, and they look at the all. All of a lot of the social issues we’re dealing with are around sexuality. People are defining themselves, their identity is their sexuality. Not anything else? Uh, not not where they come from. For a lot of people, that’s the primary identify. Air is I may fill in the blank, and it’s attached to who I’m having sex with, right?

What kind of sex I wanna have. And I think that confuses the issue and confused a lot of couples going into marriage and sets us up on the wrong footing. Right? I mean, where did that stuff start? I mean, I mean, look at me, my parents, which, you know, we’ve already talked about my dad. You do a great impression. Well, I you know, again, we go back to him walking in on you. Yeah, but my parents never talked to me about that stuff. So So where I got my ideas came from buddies and TV, So I mean, do you have rabbits growing up with bunnies?

Nobody’s like, Okay. Bunnies like people I knew in the back garden embodies air. I said that that way. When the babies come, probably said, boy, go to the money way your buddy? Exactly. So I didn t really have ah still haven’t had that talk and wait for that top. So I mean, so do we waive that right now? G? Oh, yeah. So you gotta start early with this stuff. Eyes? Yeah. The end of the day when God, Anything God’s created for us this pleasurable we’re gonna take and twist the mess up, man.

Man is predisposed for addiction. We want to avoid pain and maximize pleasure. And so we’re gonna figure out which is why we I think we need a standard for for us. Obviously, it’s God’s word in his design, but I think outside of marriage, the problem is that that it takes on a whole different set of rules. It takes on a whole different focus outside of marriage. And so I think that’s what kind of destroys things when we move into marriage. I mean, the reality is it comes from me when you’re talking about sex or anything in the marriage.

When your focus is on me and not the other person sort of the problem against. And that’s really insects. Most of us think. Okay. How can you pleasure me? What can you do for me when the reality is good? Sex is what can I do for you? and that goes for anything in the marriage. And so if I mean, it just sucks that it takes people so long to actually learn that, like you said, like normally like in dating in today’s culture, it’s like, Well, I just met this guy we’ve been out on one day.

Um, I think it’s time to go ahead and have sex so I can really see if we should continue. Like, Why is it that it’s it’s like that, that selfishness that pleasure has to be like the next thing after you meet somebody and and that that foundation is in set toe wear. OK, now the sex is good. Now I can continue to date you. Now I want to see where this is going to go and, you know, and it’s just you’re setting yourself up for failure. Doing that?

Yeah. I mean, it’s all culture culture. Tell you that’s the way it goes, You know, you got to please you first. And if you don’t, they got to hit the road. So somebody else, please. So, culture, so is threesomes. Okay. Is pornography okay? You ask you you bubbles Well, well, my initial response is no it’s not, but I mean, you know, when you’re talking about that stuff, I mean, even taking the Demi Moore thing did the war actually reading that article on that there was a family specials that talked about some of the issues that come out of that And what I mean, right off the bat, you are telling your significant other you’re not good enough.

Not good enough. And so I need somebody else to do this for me. Which means you’re already thinking about you first. You’re not thinking about the other person. So? So right off the bat, that’s the initial that that’s the atmosphere that you said is you’re not good enough. And I need somebody else twisted and be like, Hey, you’ll enjoy this, too. Yeah, that’s just a lie. No, Absolutely. So, yeah, that’s my take on it. Yeah. Fair enough. You like it? I’ll go with you on that one with you on that.

All right, so let me throw this out there. So So we’re talking about marriage stuff, too, but we got these singles on hit singles air, like, you know. Okay, so is six bad? Because, you know, I love the person. I’m in a relationship as long as you love the person. Why is sex bad even though I’m not married to him? So that’s a big question here. That all the time. So what you’re saying, What does it matter If if a singles in a committed relationship with somebody on sex is an expression of our love, then why can’t we do it just cause we’re quote not married?

Is that what I’m asking because you’re not allowed way more nuanced than that, right? First, I think we’re not addressing the realities of what’s going on. So sex is supposed to be attached to a covenant commitment, right? And when you’re not married, there’s not the same security. You can say what you want all day long, but the reality is when you’re not married and you’ve not made that commitment to somebody, there is a foundation of insecurity in the relationship. I don’t know if this person will leave me at any moment, right?

There’s no guarantee that this will last forever, and so now you’re foundation is insecurity, and you’re trying to have a sexual relationship on top of that, So I think what it what it does, even though we don’t say it does, and maybe we don’t even acknowledge it does. But it it kind of twists and moves the goal of sex from what it should be. A marriage, which is intimacy and connection right over to what it really turns out to be, which is performance, right? I got to be good, right that that’s why people talk about will bring somebody else in because it will make them happy.

They’ll have a good time. They’ll like me. I’m open to this stuff. And so when sex becomes all about a performance now, we’ve missed out on what’s going on. So I would say there’s a foundation of insecurity. I would say the goal now instead of intimacy is performance. I gotta be good. I gotta have them think I’m good. As Toy talked about one of the other shows, I’m competing now with all the other options out there, and then I think often times in a relationship like that, sex becomes a tool to manipulate.

I’m sex. I’m gonna get him with sex. I’m going to do whatever it might be. And so I think those things and unhealthy foundation or wrong gold. Just pick up a Cosmo. That’s all they’re telling them. Sure you want to keep him? This is what you get a day. I absolutely, absolutely. And if we go from So I think that’s just a standard Biblical versus or Mary versus non married. But the reality of biblical sexuality has always been about stewardship. Right? And, ah, lot of Christians do not realize or have not been willing to accept the fact that when you became a Christian, you gave up control of your life.

You’re announcing he’s Lord, which means he’s master, which means I submitted to him. And so now my body, I’m a steward over my body. Paul says that you’re Did you not know your body is not your own? It was bought with a price. And so if I’m a steward of this thing, I don’t get to decide when and what I want to do with it. Whenever I want to do with it. I’m stewarding what God calls the Temple of the Holy Spirit. My own body, right? And so they just think a lot of single Christians have the wrong mindset.

You’re not an owner. Your Stewart right. Yeah, I get that. You get that? Okay, So here’s my question, though. So some of the people, in case you’re just joining us, we’re talking about the roles of sex. So here’s what we’re dealing with if I’m a single person and I hear what you’re saying about Bible stuff, but I’ve never picked up one just but really, what does that do for May I mean, as long as I’m happy and I’m making him happy. I mean to me and correct me a farm.

Wrong, sir. Pastor Right from wrong. But there is an order to everything. And if you throw off that order, it throws off the relationship. Take God out of the city. But, well, we’ll just take God completely out of their. Since you don’t have a life group, you rarely come to terms. Suck it right out. Okay. Let let’s just from a practical physiological when you have sex with another person. Science has shown that lots of different hormones are released at the moment of sex. At the moment of climax, you got dopamine being released.

You got oxytocin being released. All these things are designed. Teoh, connect you to the person. You’re having sex and they make you high. Like they, they’ve done brain scans of someone who just had sex and someone who’s on cocaine and the frontal lobes look the same. You’re literally high on different hormones after you’ve had sex. So what that tells me is now, you do not have the ability any longer to make a good, healthy, rational relationship decision. If there’s red flags in the relationship, if this person is not a healthy person to be with.

If there’s character flaws because you’ve been blinded now by your sexual relationship and you’ve been fooled into thinking you have a better relationship than you do exactly what over here not she’s again men in with their hair way. She’s just trying to get out that hair, Pastor said, Climax in her head. She’s trying to get that comes the life group way thinking of those friends that are just like of and it’s just so good and then it’s like you think about and you could just see you could just see the future like you’re talking about how good the sex is and you know how where our relationship is gonna be great we’re gonna go ahead and get married, and it’s exactly what you’re describing.

You know, they’re just high on that, you know, and that’s what it is. And then you end up getting Mary based on nothing, and then your marriage fails and you and then you really see that person for who they are, just like, just pay attention. Attention. You will be a lot more clear of mind. Yeah, you can just And we always encourage the couples who are in our premarital class of church say, Hey, listen, if you’ve been having sex, we’re going to ask you for the next six weeks to abstain, pursue purity, and I’m with the record scratch promise.

Yeah, they don’t look at me like I’m crazy. I promise you, it will help you to better decide if this is the right person. You will be much clear of mind to decide if this the right person for you. So with it’s safe to say is how you establish a relationship is how it goes. For instance. All right, So if I were established a relationship as sexual first, then it is sexual driven, which means there comes to a point where sex is just a I just wake up and well see, that’s where I would I would come back to go.

They’re setting themselves up for failure because if it’s sexual, first is about performance. It’s about a lot of things, and if I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it 100 times. Couples get married and it’s usually the woman stops doing the stuff she was doing when they were dating, cause she really didn’t like it. And she was performing. Now and now the husbands like hold up. What What happened here? She was performing, bro. Performing that way anymore. We talked. We talked about that. So there is an order term and believe in God or not.

But there’s an order to everything, and you got established relationship as faras intimacy emotionally and all that first before you get into the fill out. But I would ask this question so there’s so many funny things that we tell ourselves, and we don’t think about the rational other side of it. So the people who say, you know well, we just can’t keep our hands off each other and I’m like, Oh, that sounds cute right now But what you’re basically both saying is you lack self control. And so when he’s on the road with his business trip and Suzy at the bar starts talking to him, do you do you wish them that he has some control, right?

Controlled in OK, you know, if you can’t control yourself now and abstained, what makes you think you’re going to control yourself when you get married? Somewhere down the road? Yeah, that’s a good one. Yeah, I got one for I got three three far singles listening so they don’t feel left out. I got three quick thoughts or truce about sex. And marriage is the 1st 1 The focus of sexuality outside of marriage should not be abstinence. It should be purity. Nice. Here’s, I mean, sometimes we just white knuckle grip, like we’re just I’m a virgin.

I’m not doing Arges. But the reality is you’re filling your mind with all kinds of crazy stuff. Anyway, when you get married now, we got a lot of married couples who I bring all kinds of sexual immorality in in my mind. And now I’m asking my spouse to be this satisfaction of everything I’ve been run through my mind. Right? So if you pursue purity is a single, then when you’re in marriage, you already have that pattern and it will help your relationship. That’s one thought. Here’s another guy.

Sexual issues A lot of people have, um will be magnified, not satisfied in marriage. A lot of people have pornography issues. A lot of singles have masturbation issues, and they think to themselves all Well, once I get married, then I’ve got a legal place and I’ll be fine. And I promise you it’s not gonna be satisfied. They will be magnified, right? You miss Miss Little. Well, you know, I’m so sexually frustrated. We said this before. Okay, Lay next to your naked spouse who tells, you know, and see how sexually frustrated for more.

Because I hear this all the time. Well, man, we just gotta have good chemistry. How do you know if you have good chemistry? Here’s what I know how healthy sexuality in marriage is about intentionality, not chemistry. Okay, that’s about you guys saying this is a priority. We’re gonna be intentional about it. Not well. We just both happened to look each other at the same time with the same look in our eyes, feeling the exact same thing at the exact same moment. That’s a lie that, as in the movies, sexuality about intentionality, it’s not often that both are feeling the same thing at the same moment.

But you say we’re gonna prioritize because healthy for the relationship So that things good. Three things to chew on while you look at these married couples thinking they got together and they don’t. There you go way. Okay, so I’m all right. I’m gonna be a little vulnerable here. Nobody’s listening, but three way trust. So here we go. So So affairs happen a lot in marriage, right? Yeah, right. And I’m going to go out and say I’m not all of them. But a lot of affairs have nothing to do with sex.

I have a lot to do with the motion that I must say I was I was a part of that, right? All right. I stepped into something that I shouldn’t have done, right? Right. It had nothing to do with sex. So in my marriage at the time, it was I was emotionally start. But I wouldn’t know that. But that emotional connection was Somebody is what led to that. So? So people out there going, you know, I got to please my man to keep him at home. It’s not about sex.

It’s about emotion in my wrong help me out here. Well, I think that goes into why sex serves a role in the relationship, but not primary role. You got emotional intimacy. Yeah. You got recreational intimacy doing stuff together. You got spiritualism. Asi, what do you do, toe? Grow your faith together? You got intellectual intimacy, What kind of conversations? Air we’re having. And the reality is, if your relationships built solely on sexual intimacy and something happens in that arena, physically or desire wise, you don’t have anything else to lean on.

So I think you’ve got to develop all those others. And sexual is the easiest anyway, right? Which is why people default to it. It actually takes work to develop the other kinds of intimacy. But that’s what holds your marriage together. Yeah. Yeah, I have a question for you. Oh, here we go. Is Jill your best friend? Yep. And have yeah, actually listening to something. And I and I heard them say, like they were like, Well, you know, my spouse is my best friend, but I have friends that say that their spouses not so I was just curious, but that actually talked.

That covers kind of what you’re talking about with all those different intimacies and how important it is cause I feel like if your spouse is not your best friend, which you know they should be if you’re able to have all of those intimacies and they really, really should be. I think some people. So let’s put a little caveat in there. I don’t think that doesn’t mean so. I have other really good friends to some people whose like they’re my best friend and my only friend and my everything.

And it’s like my I’m not sure that’s real healthy. Um, but what you’re saying toy? There’s a lot of people who go. We really don’t even have a friendship. I think they need to be, you know, in your top five friends, because your spouse is gonna provide something different than a close guy friends. And so they’ve got to be one of your top friends. But I hear what you’re saying. You gotta have that friend connection. I mean, I like spending time with her. That’s where I like spending most time, That’s all.

We don’t come to life. Why don’t we? Oh, time whilst you eyes do bring her with you the life groups of Hubble’s life group. It is a couple’s life group. But, you know, I, like, been in touch with her, but yeah, so yeah, I get that. I get what you’re saying that you got to be best friends. Yeah. Yeah. So you all work on that singles? You know what to Dio and thank you all so much for checking out the show again. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric with me.

And for any questions, just go ahead and send those to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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