[THE RELATIONSHOP] Single and Dating With Kids (Episode #18)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric, and if you want us to answer any of your questions, please send them to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. And Jason, you got a question. This one comes all the way from Lewisville Mike from Lewisville. Let’s see what he says, he says. I have been married for 10 years and I want to get my wife in the same way on the same page.

Finances with the finances. We have some pretty bad debt, which is mostly her spending and convincing me to take her out on trips. But that’s a heart convince. Take me out on trips, All right. I talked to her about Financial Peace University, and she is so not wanting to budget and plan on feature. Should I hide money from her as I am the only one working and I should take control of all of the money? Should she should he hide the money? Uh, there’s some bigger issues.

Your wife hide. Yo, kids, your money. We’ll stop taking her on trips tell her no, every now and then. Yeah, but I think it’s clear that she makes him pay for probably telling her. No, that Yeah, that’s this show, is it? Think so. I don’t know, wondering what to do. We gotta help a brother out. What? What do you think? All right, So she’s spending a lot of money and she wants to go on trips, and he’s the only one working. So I think they need to sit down so that she can see the money she needs to see.

They need to have a plan and set it up. So that way she can make in set a correct budget. Just said that he’s trying. Do he suggested financial PC. She it sounds to me like somebody who wants what they want. They don’t want to be told No. And in this area, he’s just got to figure it out. She wants her lifestyle she wants to think she wants, and she is not willing to make sacrifices for future stuff. It’s it’s a me. Now I’ve seen it 1,000,000 times.

She needs to get a job. No, she don’t want a job. She probably has to stay home with the kids. She word. So I’m going. But I’m still going to stick with my Tell her No. Okay. Yeah. She might not be putting up, but whatever. Sometimes you gotta sometimes you gotta You gotta got to go to war with it. So a so far as that goes, I mean, you get you gotta tell it. No, we’re going on trips. I mean, but question Let me rephrase the question.

The question is, should read it? Should I hide money from her question? Hide money for I should fix any of the answer of shoes. Do is no. Obviously, dishonesty and deceit in a relationship is not a win, but at some point with Jason saying, You’ve got to try to work with your spouse on getting on a common vision and values and goal, and we’re heading in the same direction. When you have a spouse like that who is unwilling to it sounds like this is why I keep going back to We talk about it all the time.

If you don’t have community now, it’s stuck on you. Vs her. You don’t have anybody else that you can sit down with and bring in because it cause if that was any one of us three, I promise you, if I was like, Hey, man, my wife, she won’t come into agreement with me. We’re in debt. We don’t have the money to do that. She just won’t would. You guys will. First of all we talked about in life groups, there will be eight other couples, but But I go sit down with Toyota Mod or Jason say, Here’s what right?

Can you guys lend some wisdom? So it’s not just just us to fight about it, and you guys are gonna weigh in and try to help with accountability. Oh, no, Jill. It’s kind of scary. I just think she’s with all bark. No, I don’t know how. She doesn’t mean she can’t say anything without high school. Aaron coming out. She’s living the dream. Living now me 25 years in the marriage nation. Seeing the picture mullet me means it’s got it all. Mike, bro, I’m sorry that we had to take it to this, but you know, my So here’s is what I would say one.

Do you have any community that you even if it’s one other couple you can sit down with that can help weigh in on this because what this is is bad financial stewardship. You do not have the money to do what you’re doing and also playing for the future. You guys air being unwise as far as your finances, you know that. But you’re saying your wife’s not coming into agreement, so first step for me would be sitting down. Will she come into account with some other people? If the answer is no to that, I think you go second step is what Jason saying, which is you have control of the finances.

So you may have to make some hard decisions which are going to cause a lot of conflict kind of shop run, which is if I got to cut up, cut up a credit card because you’re using it and will not come into agreement. If I’ve got Teoh, I wouldn’t say hide it. But if I’ve got to say I’m opening another bank account that you don’t have access to and I’m putting some of the money in there that’s going to go towards are when other stuff. So what did you do this quick?

Sorry to interrupt you. So what do you do this? I mean, if we had full lines there, probably about the light up, how about him? Given her an allowance? If she does, I think that’s wise. That marriage is a Now, with the way you say it, you’re giving her an allowance. Makes it feel like I’m a little kid. But how On money that Yeah, that that’s called a good budget. Most couples of budget, each spouse has quote an allowance that they can spend on whatever they want without asking her spouse like, Yes, the answer is yes.

Jason Perry. Okay, what is good And that’s what we do. That’s what were you and it works. The what? The fund money, you know? Yes. Yeah. I mean, you definitely can’t hide money and all that. I mean, I do see here that he does look like he’s being worked a little bit where? I mean, he admitted he gets talked into taking her on the vacation, that stuff, and that’s why I’m reading between the rights. But from my experience when that’s happening, the case is usually when the person who is trying to control the finances in a good way says no or sets boundaries is going to cause the other person to conflict.

Right rage. Whatever else I’m gonna make you pay, there’s always a consequence, and it is what it is. What is the point? You got to take control, but you’ll have to be the bad guy for a little while. And that’s OK because you’re planning for the future. She’ll she’ll get with the program. There you go, my control. Don’t do it in love. If you have any questions, you can email them the relationship of power. 77 radio dot com We love getting last minute questions. Text my producer so that we can’t prepare for you a shout out to the producer anyway, here’s what we’re talking about today.

This is This is a I think it’s a popular topic these days because there’s a lot of people that are stepping into new relationships but already have Children. So we’ll talk about single dating with kids. And then we may, even if we have time transition into okay. Once you move from single dating with kids into Now, Mary blending the family, what do you navigate? There you go and I just get this visual cause I knew you were about the bus into all the single ladies wear camera.

You just saw my moves ring. Move. Remove it. If I could get up, do that little dance in a circle, move my hips. Yeah, I don’t know. You might want to take Is that what you were doing when your dad walked into For what you doing? Nice. You. Thank you. I was doing a movie, but I kind of move. It was all right. Symbol dating with kids. I know that. I know that. I know you already Stupid. Yeah, the wrong way upside down. Somebody’s got things. So, uh, all right.

So 90 day fiance Anna and Marsa Keepers? Yeah, the beekeeper. So there are funny Anna. It’s from Nebraska and Marcellus from Turkey. So, of course, they have a really huge language barrier, but she has three sons and he has not told his family back in Turkey about her son’s, because, culturally wise, he should not be dating a woman with kids. Um, and he is He didn’t want to tell his family because they’ll disown him to stop talking to him, and that’s that. But He’s in America now. Eso there.

That’s kind of the challenge with them. And then we have Robert and Anne Robert, who is from Brooklyn but living in Florida, and Andy, who is from the Dominican Republic. And they’re on the other end of the spectrum because Robertson Bryson sleeps in between them every night. And that is what I would guess, that he can. Five. I guess he’s like I or something. Yeah, he’s the one where his grandmother’s in pornography. Yeah, yeah, that’s yeah. Not that these shows get too trashy, but what I see what you guys watch, the absolute thes air.

Do spirit two perspectives here. OK, Marcel, with that thing that from the start, I still don’t get it. If I can’t talk to you without using my translate on my phone, there’s issues, but you know, OK, so so So there’s a line there with those two, because what I see, I do think you need to involve the kids obviously, in this new relationship, because obviously there’s gonna be a big part of their life. On the flip side, she’s putting. She is like asking their opinions and their not being the nicest about it.

And so to me, she hasn’t really set down with them. She just like, you know. Do you like him? Do you like him, though? I don’t like him. No, I don’t get mad at him. And they just met him. It’s language, Right? Right, right. So their whole situation is just a big failure. Yeah, you know, it’s just she she wants her son’s toe, love him and give him a chance, and they won’t. And then But then you have Marcel, her fiance, who won’t even tell his family about him at all.

No, which is true, which tells you that she didn’t really sit down with them before he got there. Might have mentioned them, but she didn’t really sit down and talk it over. And so now you’ve got these kids that really what they’re feeling and they’ve said they’re feeling, is that we feel like you’re going to choose him over us, and so it’s creating. There’s anxiety and all that with the kids and their and I mean talk about baggage. I mean, now we get the bag. That makes me ask, What was it like before?

So, like, had she chosen boyfriends before, but I really three of the boys have the same dad. They look like they all do. Yeah, they look like a little bit like you never know. Way Check your best. We dio Maybe you need to be on the show. Oh, I feel bad for her because, you know, she’s dealing with our boys that are being so mean to him, and it’s like she just really wants somebody a she even know he can’t speak English. Anyway, You no idea what they’re saying.

Hey, doesn’t know, but he does He really bad. Okay, I don’t want to get off topic to bed, but she went on her bachelorette party in the last one. They’re talking about their physical life, and I just can’t imagine I just can’t imagine saying Hang on, baby and goodbye Google Translate said, Hey, baby, listen In the lane with Charlie knows no bounds Apparently don’t need to say a word election. Tell my wife what the Oh, let your hands do the talking. Everybody understands my language. I haven’t seen the show.

And you haven’t seen Marcia? No. Catch that so Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don’t Those kids I mean I feel bad for those kids. Yeah, they’re kind of being bratty, but yeah, in the say, you know, you almost get that. You you come into the relationship with baggage and you know your back, but it’s almost like you expect your kids not to have it. You better like, you better act like good, respectful kids, though. Your mom was a train wreck. Yeah. I mean, I do feel bad for those kids, but then you got.

But what you mentioned Robert and Anne, right? I was laughing so hard at her, fussing at him, so he took her. They live in a one bedroom apartment, which is why little Bryson sleeps with them. Rice would be sleeping on the floor somewhere. You know something, but anyway, so he takes our cause. He promised her before she came to America that they would get a two bedroom apartment. So he takes sort of look at a two bedroom apartment. And then he tells a lady, Well, this is a really nice apartment.

How much is it? And she’s, like, 17 50 a month. And you just said Okay, well, I just renewed my lease at my other place. And so now Annie is like, what you hear? Told me we were going to get a two bedroom apartment. You bring me here to look at a two bedroom, and now just find out you renewed your lease at the one bedroom place for a whole another year. Why did you even set me? And I have to say I mean usually with her. I see she’s just ones much.

But in this case, I wither. She she was. I mean, it’s like taking your kids toe, look at new puppies and go. Nope. Yeah. Sorry. I know we talked about a puppy, and we’re looking at puppies, but no, no puppy. Yeah. Yeah, she was. Yeah. Yeah, I felt bad for the realtor. Whatever. That apartment being right in the middle of that. I mean, I don’t know those two here. Bryson wouldn’t be sleeping in the middle, and that’s a whole other. I think you brought up on that.

The first couple, The beekeepers. Yeah, I get it. You mentioned something about choosing fear of choosing the kids. Fear of choosing the new boyfriend girlfriend over the kids. How do you What’s the proper way to navigate that with kids. How do you convey to the person you’re dating? They’re a priority, but how do you convey to the kids that you’re still a priority? Here’s a reality. If you take a new relationship, is going to impact the at the very least, the time and emotional energy you have your kids.

How are you supposed to navigate that? If you’re dating, we kiss man. I think it’s like any relationship of part of its communicate for somebody that we have a hard time communicating with their kids. We just think that they just need to obey and be respectful and be happy for me. So you’re saying some good, open, honest dialogue with the kids about What are you feeling about this? Yeah, it’s something that I do think there’s a timeline a went to introduce because on these shows, when they throw the guy in and they’re calling him Daddy the first week they meet him.

And so there is a timeline, I think, to introduce the kids on even that, you know, it’s like even in dating, you still kind of treated marriage like in that sense, it’s so, for instance, there is that You know, there are times where where the couple needs to do a couple things and the other than the times that you need to involve the kids and family and like, a bedtime. We had a kid in the middle of the bed that would be one of Yeah, so So I think there’s that balance there.

But, you know, underneath the dollars that you got to communicate with the kids and and actions are a big part of because I think in dating you can get so caught up on this new boot, right? May? Yeah. Well played. Thank you. That was on Fleek. So yeah, so you could get so caught up in the relationship and the feelings and all that stuff that you kind of forget. The kids and their emotions are stuff. So just being aware of that and, you know, we always talk about boundaries, you know, it comes into play here.

You’ve got to set your boundaries. That is the difficult place right there. So you’ve got a relationship that you’re stepping into. We talked about this a 1,000,000 times. There’s no question about it that the husband wife relationship has to be primary right in a healthy family, right? Because we’ve talked about miss prioritizing kids. But when you’re dating now, you’ve already got it Is our relationship with kids having on the age they have different levels of meeting you right and being independent. So how do you balance as were dating?

I would say it is a somewhat healthy priority to say My kids are a priority now because this is not my spouse would become married. I gotta shift. And it is those balances. Because if let’s go back to our favorite family, the Kardashians think because relationships have been tough to make work outside of Kim and Kanye who I believe we’re doing this right, they’re married. They have four kids together. You have Courtney not married three kids with Scott Disick, right? Which I do think is interesting. When you look at their relationship, you look at his lifestyle.

His instagram is let the Lord be with you. Yeah, yeah, maybe meant because he’s not with me. Let the Lord be with you Out. You got Courtney with your three kids, right? You got Chloe with one kid with ex boyfriend Tristan Thompson. You’ve got Kylie with one kid with ex boyfriend Travis Scott. Children are clearly the priority here. Not not a husband wife relationship, right? Yeah, that right there is completely out balanced, because now they’re gonna have a hard time figuring out how to make the transition into my I’m gonna let a man become my husband, and I’m gonna make him the priority because I’ve already proven my kids of the priority.

I think that’s gonna be tough for any one of those guys to move in towards a real healthy marriage relationship unless they make some big adjustments on my kids were not my priority. And maybe Kim and Kanye can help him because I think they’re getting it right. So I think you got that, which is a wrong priority. But what’s the right way to do that? You know, I think Oh, sorry. Go ahead. I was going to say and it depends on the age of the kids. Like if their little kids, What does that look like?

Compared to if they’re preteens or teens, you know, like, how is it different with all of those age ranges? If I had to pick one bit of advice, I am saying, Take it slow, Don’t rush into anything because really, you know, there’s no reason why I don’t think it’s good to rush one, because again, what you’re saying, You do have another dynamic now that we have a relationship with kids and you do have to put them as a priority. And so sometimes you know, starting out for sure.

You introduce you introduce him maybe slower. But it’s okay to have a day, two days a week, just with the kids. He doesn’t have to be over there every night. She doesn’t have to be over there every night. I would hope not been slowly, but that’s what happens, I think is where they just people just jump all in. And I think you just slowly introduced. I know it in my situation. You know, I’m a step that so I had two older girls and then I’ve introduced Teoh, you know, two boys and and another girl.

And so now we have a family. Five. What? What you really have to learn. That’s why I think taking it slow and observing the relationships and all that is as the guy coming in. You have to because I had my way of how I did things, and so as faras, discipline, kids or whatever. So I would take that. And if the kids needed discipline, you know we won’t we get to that stage, I would do it like I would do it with my yeah, in their different people.

So, yeah, I had to learn her kids and how her kids react and how they think. And it was a different How did those kids respond when you were like a boy responding Find about like I do when you do it in the corner. I think that I think what you’re saying is good. So what we’re saying is, if you’re single dating with kids, that the younger they are, probably the slower the introduction because the young, younger kids air not as wise with Let’s bring some Scripture in problems for 23.

I need to guard our hearts for out of it flows the springs of life. I don’t think the younger kids air is a deft or wise and guarding their hearts so younger kids could be attached in a snap, right? Meet him the next day. On my level. Mawr’s so and So where’s dad? Where’s Concert anyways? And and so if the relationship doesn’t work out, is much more devastating for those kids than maybe a teenage kid who’s sort of understands relationships a little better. So the younger, the slower the older maybe the Mawr.

Honest conversations, you can I e. Kid, you look at these kids, really Kind of what they’re saying most of time is I just want to be heard because, really, what the parent only only you know, like in this kid martial Marcellin Anna It is. She’s trying to manipulate the kids basically like, Come on, do what I want you to do instead of listening. You’re gonna be moved out soon, and I don’t wanna be about myself. She’s not communicating with them. I hear what you’re saying. I’m taking them where you’re saying she not communicating that and I think that’s a big thing, is make sure your kids, I know that you’re hearing them and you know that that you value their opinion because I do have opinions and I’m not saying you have to do everything they want you to do.

But you’re at least know that they haven’t opinion and their opinions are value. How did you guys manage when you shifted from dating to marriage? Jason? Alright. How did you guys air I’m interested in How do you manage the handing off of authority? So I don’t know if it happened to you, but obviously it’s easy for them to go. You’re not my dad, right? And how did how did the authorities get handed to you that when I got a little sidetracked cause I’m watching toy and put a group on?

I’m thinking man, I wish I could do that anyway. Drum. You know, that’s I mean, that’s a tough It was really like I said, I had to learn the kids. At first I had to learn the kids. Uh, and really, I had to listen to my spouse because, you know, if I would get aggravated in certain situations, Lisa would have to pull me aside and say, That’s not the way I won’t. You know, that’s not the way my kids respond. So I had to learn to listen to Lisa on the same sense what I saw, like had the two boys in relationship.

I saw the relationship they had with their dad You know, I didn’t think it was a great It’s not a great relationship father son relationship. And so it was a different dynamic cause I had girls that all of a sudden that have to have these two boys in kind of teach him had to do men and stuff. And so I had to take my wife a site now and say OK, it may seem like I’m being a little tough on the boys are giving the boys a hard time, but, you know, I wasn’t it Teoh Scary.

Yeah, I think that that sounds like a really good wisdom. Jason, you’re saying one is on the front end? The key was building relationship before I tried to establish my disciplinary authority to waas. Let your wife or whoever the biological parent is because it may be reversed in these couples. But let the biological parents kind of dictate or lead the handing off of authority. And maybe how we do it is you guys get it. If you want the kids to respect you, it’s okay to go to them and say, You know what?

I’m sorry. I messed up. I didn’t know. That’s good. No, I mean, it’s okay, cause we tend to think we’re the adults. We don’t have to do that, but it’s big. If you want their respect, tell him you’re sorry. They don’t get to hear that very often. So, yeah, I mean, it was you know, it it’s a dynamic. It’s something that you gotta work through. There’s gonna be ups and downs with it. Um, but, I mean, the whole theme is take it slow and, you know, I mean, it’s a relationship.

And if you’re dating a guy, aren’t girl and I mean, do not get caught in by love and over the kids. And you gotta, you know, if you if this guy on the other side, you can kind of see that relationship, he is not interested in building that relationship. Then around the other way toy. I got a question for you. You’re a mother. So we’ve been fathers and mothers feel relationship with their kids. Different? Yes. So you’re a mother. If there’s a guy out there who’s beginning to date a woman with kids as a mother, what would you want that guy to?

How would you want him to respond to you? respond to your son if if you were in that position. So thank you Know like you do may some things here that I’m actually helping a friend with right now. Yeah. All right. So one of them is don’t bad mouth your ex. Like you’re on a day like man, he or she has been tripping blah, blah, blah. And you think like this other person wants to hear that they don’t want to hear that. Yeah, mix. They accept your kids will still like Daddy or Mommy more.

There are some people that really think like this Joker is sorry or my exes. It’s like there I’m gonna be able to replace that person with this new person. No, you’re not OK? No, you’re not. Next thing, don’t assess his parenting or her parenting abilities on the first date. Oh, man. Now this huge first day, your after dinner, you already like Okay, Alright. This might be good Daddy material. Okay? No, don’t do that. Just enjoy the first date, okay? Don’t expect him toe overcompensate for your ex.

A short comings touch storm at a little bit. I’m not gonna put it all the way out there But, you know, put it out there. I don’t leave it in leaving and even took the people way. Some people, so people would be happy. Put it out there. Stop worrying about your ex’s love life. So you just broke up. You think you’re ready today, but you all up in your ex’s business and who they date What are they doing? And it’s like I e o man imitate voices in that one normal.

So I’m thinking, if I got kids and then I am concerned about who my ex is dating because I don’t want my kids around some foolishness, right? But I guess when it when it gets to the point where that’s all you’re thinking about, you know, people like that, people like that. But I can see that there’s a difference in I see here where you come from because there’s the difference in in obsessing over dating versus concern. Yes, as a parent, you have a right to be concerned on who their day you have that right.

But then there’s an obsession, which is really more of jealousy, right? And I’m gonna make your life miserable because I don’t I don’t want you dating anybody? Exactly. Yeah. Here. Where you coming from? Yeah, yeah. So those are some of the things that I’ve been talking about with, you know, a few of my single friends that are dating with Children. And then we’ve been having some really good conversations. What there do you have, like, one thing that that your single friends dating with kids like there their greatest frustration with trying to date guys with kids, like, What’s the biggest mistake you here is that they’re running to God like, man, I cannot find a guy that won’t fill in the blank.

I think it’s more of that checklist that we talked about that we talked about this one. You talk about checklists. I think it’s more of the checklist. So more of he’s not. You don’t have this. You don’t have that cause it’s like I have a kid. So I’m ready for that family. Under what? Foolishness? That they dio. So what I’m trying to do right now, I’m Loki trying to help out a guy who’s dating. Not you know, I’m trying. I’m trying to help a guy who’s dating a woman who has kids.

And what’s the stupid things that guys keep doing where these women are like dude, a man like trying, bro. Are they trying, like, way too hard to be cool, bro with the kids? Or they Or they’d ignoring the kids and just acting like she’s a ah girl with no kids, I think is more of the ignoring. I do that. I tried too hard trying Teoh, where idiots more ignoring I got is when I’m on vacation. I forget I haven’t so for you, Justin. It was different because you had kids.

Most people, it’s always like more. More than likely, it’s one person. Maybe, maybe not both. Yeah, that’s true. I mean, that does make a difference. But I didn’t have Boy, it was a It was heavily different coming in on boys. But you know, I can hack on boys. So we game a two for one day being single on. What do you do when you get married? I got you covered. You talk about about You were good. All right. Thank you all so much for joining us today on The RelationShop for questions, please email those to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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