[THE RELATIONSHOP] The Importance of Valuing Your Spouse’s Differences (Episode #17)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric. And if you want us to answer any of your questions, please send them to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. So, Jason, what do you have for us today? We got wall from Terra Terra from Prosper, which we get a few from. Process way. Go. All right, so here we go. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about three years, and I’m ready to get married.

Our relationships pretty good. And we don’t argue or anything. All right, here comes a big, like capitalized, but just stop right there. We don’t argue or anything. Yeah, you’re full of it. You’re not addressing the real things. Don’t get married yet. Yeah. Anyway, what’s the play? Here we go. All right. So my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married. He says that were basically married because we’ve been living together for about a year. So how do I convince my boyfriend that we need to get married? Oh, and here’s the hashtag.

We do believe in God you gotta throw that way. Terror. This is a really, really easy one. Tara. You tell him that you want to get married, and if he doesn’t want to get married, then you guys clearly have different goals in mind for your relationship. And it’s probably time for you to move out and move on down the road. That’s the problem with moving in with each other. Because now what is his incentive? You would rather have all that he wants with the flexibility at any point to go.

This ain’t working out. I think we need to go are separately. Said it. The question right there were basically married. So why do we need to get married? You’re basically not married. You’re basically living together having sex. That’s what you are. He’s already married. So why do I got to make that commitment? So So you’re exactly right? I mean, living together. He You know, most people think, Why do I need to get married? And I mean, her boyfriend pretty much told her that in that question, so yeah, And what I would say to hashtag we believe in God?

I would say hatch, tag, Let me give you some non believe in God Statistics. Oh, girls, this let’s take God out of the picture, will put him back in because I believe he’s at the center of it. But just for kicks and grins, let’s think about the picture. Stats have continued to show for decade. After decade after decade, the couples that cohabitate live together before marriage are less likely to marry and more likely to get divorced. If they do marry you, go period, that’s the test. Statistics show that there’s no arguing with numbers.

They do, and you could think of a 1,000,000 reasons why. And there’s a lot of other stuff behind that, too. But at the bottom of it, there’s always this low grade fever of I’m not fully committed. And the reason I would go back to the first half of her question, which was just the lead in. We have a pretty good relationship, and we really don’t fight. The reason you don’t fight is because you don’t know if he’s fully committed, and your fear in your heart, if you really look in the mirror, is probably if we fight too much, he’s gonna leave me okay, and so I cant cause conflict because there’s not a foundation of security called the covenant that we can operate from.

And so you could tell hashtag we believe in God. Tag cohabiting does not prepare you well for Mary. All right, but here you go, Tear. I’m gonna give this to you too. Here’s here’s my little nugget of truth. All right? So you feel married? That’s what he’s telling you right now. We feel May were already really practically married. So let’s do that until another girl comes along that catches his eye. The Nelson Hey, you know that this is a marriage. That’s when we’re just dating, and now it’s not as serious as it was.

So uh, yeah, I don’t know that you you need to go there, Tara and Terror. Let me tell you something. Me and Ahmad dated. I heard this. I heard this in my own life and us living together and dating for a couple of years and putting our money together and all that saving for our wedding turn one year turned into seven years ago. And let me tell you what I did, I said, First of all, I felt convicted towards the end. Like, you know, Year box accepted triggers, like hash tag.

A believer, But I wasn’t really living it. Okay, so I started watching all these bride shows. I started talking about how wanted to move into a house, no more running an apartment. And guess what we wouldn’t get in in like we were in the beginning. And I’m just like, you’re not my husband, and I feel bad about this. I’m feeling really bad about this. So he knew Either he needed to leave or he need to do the right thing. So I mean, couple it and and so you need to change.

You need to make him uncomfortable. In other words, make him uncomfortable so he can decide if he wants to be with you. And if he leaves, don’t worry about, like, manipulation over there a little bit. You make him okay. You need todo way today pretending that you’re married and you’re not. So make him uncomfortable. Like what you say now. Don’t live together. No more things for business. Yeah, don’t. Don’t. You don’t need a threat. I hear what you said you were having marriage coming. That’s what she’s saying.

I hear exactly what you’re saying. I got you about this, okay? He wants Teoh beer bubbles a little bit strong girl. What? She just told me it took six years, but she was convicted. A conviction. That withholding. Come on. Thank you. That’s the Bible. Verse was slow to speak, Slow to anger and quick to listen. Slow to conviction. There is a process, A process. Give you some great Well, here’s what we talk about today. I think this is probably one of the keys to relationship. If you remember Paul Abdul back in the nineties, kicking it off with her song opposites address.

Yeah, eso officers attract which often happens with a lot of couples. The problem is, if you think about most couples, the reason they filed for divorce, they cite What is it? Irreconcilable differences, Right? So the differences are what drew us together. But then now we can’t reconcile these differences. And so we decided to separate what I would say. There’s a better way to go, and that’s called valuing our differences on. And I’m not saying put up with our there’s different levels. There’s putting up with our differences.

There’s judging our differences there’s merely accepting our differences. But I would say the highest level of marital intimacy is actually valuing our differences. What are the things in you? The way God created you, the way you operate, the way you think your love languages, your emotional needs. What are all these things that are unique to you? And how do I value that? Even though it doesn’t make sense to me, or even though I don’t inherently value it myself? So let’s talk about it. Irreconcilable differences which are not irreconcilable.

That’s irreconcilable differences. But a producer. Can we put on some limp biscuits and tell the West rocket for Jason that he feels a little blues traveler home in here? All right. Straight up. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. All right. So irreconcilable differences. Yeah. I mean, that that can be all over the board. But, I mean, we’re talking. So really, we talked pop culture. Really? This is what we do here. We’re doing these 90 days, but we got some stuff today, but we got to throw in the reality TV every week, so we got to go with Russ.

I m pei, all of this we remember from Colombia And he was from up tight. Oklahoma, Oklahoma! But up tight Oklahoma! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Alright. What were their differently? A member? E what was obvious? She’s Colombian, you know? She’s a model right there all about, you know, they expose when they think I wear that. Yeah, She had this swimsuit stuff, you know, Heard Akamai was his Oklahoma accent. Hey, baby, I promise it was Oklahoma active. I hate Is that from Oklahoma? Yeah. I don’t remember this.

Like, you know, he was He was angry that she was down in Miami or something. Right? Island? Yeah, I see that, Z boy, Jason, Jason can use dope and were Whoa. Jason uses dope that. Come on, let’s clarify that. Chases uses big another way. All right? It’s about power. So he is from Oklahoma, and they lived in Oklahoma when she first moved to America. But she really wanted to get her her modeling, all the career she moved to or no, she went to Miami for, like, a month or so, just to see about if she could get a career going and she could, So he was like, You know what?

You moved to America for me. So now let’s move to Miami So you could be more country because obviously she was not comfortable in Oklahoma. And we’re bigger than that. Really, Because it was about her career. But her. If you remember, her first gig was a music video where she wore next to nothing, and he is conservative out there. He would get, I get the brother. I don’t want my wife being exposed to. Everybody gets that, but But that that was the issue. But exactly what you said.

He with him. As conservative as he is, he could give up a lot. Yeah, they both sacrificed nothing. And I guess I really Seymour her. I don’t know, because she I don’t I don’t know that she tried mushy. Oklahoma was out. I just saw him having to give to her and her not given much back, which is another issue that’s going to create way issues up the road. But yeah, but yes, So there’s there’s there’s those two for sure, right? And I guess they’re still together. Who knows?

But no. Why don’t you tell us that you looked up? Yeah. Check checked into that one night Yeah, she’s speaking of conservative. Did you guys see? I know we talked a lot about Kanye and Kim Kim Kardashian West in the house today, right? Have you guys seen how she’s talking about dressing more conservative? Did see that? Yeah. So she actually have a quote here from you? So yeah, she said, because she she’s been doing some work in the White House, right? So she she This is what she said.

I have kind of had this awakening myself. I realized I could not even scroll through Instagram in front of my kids without full nudity, coming up on my feet pretty much all the time, and I definitely contributed to that. I mean, one of my most iconic covers was the paper magazine when when I was all oiled up and ripping my dress off, there’s more. There’s more. Then she says, I also did think like OK, I’m here in the White House And then the next day I was posting like a crazy bikini Selfie and I was thinking, I hope they don’t see this.

I have to go back there next week. Ugo Conviction. There you go. Yeah, how many years it takes her a little bit. Kanye started his Sunday service in January of this year, so yeah, so she’s just she slowly more and press it. Isn’t that quote from the blaze? And I think this Candace was out on November 26. There you go, so that you know what I’m for all the flak that that we give people, especially people in media, right, cause we could just sit on our couches and fire bombs all day long and people who are out there.

But that’s impressive, man. We I got to stand up and give him a round of applause for trying to consult, like what she’s done is, is there some things that they have decided our values of there’s family and her, the social justice and the things she fights for? And she’s saying, Now I’m recognizing that some of the stuff I do in my personal life for some of the stuff the ways I’ve operated are not compatible with where we’re trying to go with you. What’s huge with that?

Where I’m impressed the most is she didn’t What you’re not reading is well, Kanye wanted me to know Kanye with her right right. But Kanye was wise enough to let God be got right. It just let it work right there, don’t you? No. Listen, that that that that right there is a great word. If spouses, it would take more stuff to God and pray that God would work on use their spouses hard to their heart. But then they would trying to control the outcome. They want that go a long way in the right direction.

A you know, a woman. We always it just like, let me just say that. What’s that line this was This used to be one of my top movies. Um, my big fat Greek Wedding. And in one of the scenes, it’s like he may be the head, but I’m the neck and I turn it whichever way I want to write and that definitely how a lot of women feel like, let me just approach it this way. So he thinks it’s his idea, you know? I mean, hey, I used to be like that, but now I’ve learned the new me.

I have learned to just pray like seriously and first instead of just saying pray for my husband. I’m like, pray for me. God. So I can see him like you see him pray for me so I can have more patients Or have war, grace, more mercy, more forgiveness. And then when I do that and I shut up, then God doesn’t. And I’m like, Ok, shut up. Jesus e talking about. I need that T shirt in Jesus name. Shut up. I like what? What are some of you guys differences with your spouses?

And how do you navigate those? How do you How do you show them that you’re valuing it versus just putting up with it? I mean, my might marriage. I mean, it’s it’s the ultimate in could go wrong but hasn’t because we work together and everybody always said, Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe spouses. You work together, we’d kill each other and it works, you know? So So you gotta know, Like in my case, I’m the analytical on, so I’ll give you an example. So, you know, Mr Chiropractic deal with insurance and lots of Lisa hates deal with insurance, and I get it because they deal with insurance is like dealing with the Mafia really most of time.

But so she goes in, which isn’t it? Please get stitches he has achieved kills in and explains to these patients. Here’s what your insurance doesn’t know that stuff and she doesn’t like that part of it. And I’m just like, I just think it this way just to a B c D. And it’s fine because I am just by the book. Well, the problem is me being by the book. She’s more personal to the patient, you know, she’s listening to the patient. Not that I don’t listen to base.

That sounded bad, But I’ve seen you. Come on, you’re moving the day because of me. You know that you don’t Yeah, yeah, you know, you’re walking. Yeah, but she pays attention. I sometimes I could get a little too analytical and she pays attention a little more to the personal side of it. And I recognize that and realize OK, it’s time for me to back off. And that’s how that’s how that has worked as I let her do what she does, and she lets me do what I do, and that’s how that works.

It’s just recognising that sort strengthened its way better than mine. So so that’s how we handle it. What about you? A little bit. So I’m an extrovert. I get up and go. I’m like, Hey, let’s need to plan. I don’t need to think about it. I’m good to go. And I’m just like, Hey, that’s what it is. My one of my nicknames is, um, change the game in the ninth inning. Thank you. Jz on that Because I might say, this is what This is the place. Really long nickname.

Here’s my friend changed the game and Wario shortly before I might help you out. Go with Big Naval caught you bullpen. That’s where they go in the ninth inning. They want to change things up. Your nickname bullpen way means something in that farm in Oklahoma you grew up in. I don’t know the going bro. Those are different. Can stay with me. Stay with me. So, for instance, So let’s say like I’m like, Okay, let’s go out to eat. Let’s go have seafood. Right? So we’ll be on our way there and then I was like No, no, no.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is it too late to change? Like now? I want this, you know and I’m just, like, just very spontaneous and very decisive. Different. You just can’t make a decision, I hear. So get your husband here. That’s a It’s OK, but it’s on a different level. It’s on different levels, is not indecisive, right? So now it’s more because he is not like me. He had that. He needs to plan everything. He can’t just get up and go. He needs to get his mind ready to be around a big group of people.

And I’m always ready. I’m always ready for people. And so now I’ve had to slow down. I gotta respect that and be like, you know what? How about this plan? How about it this time to meet your? Because otherwise he would just be like, You know what? I’m just gonna chill. But now he’s like, Okay, just give me Just give me a minute to get my mind ready, and then we’re gonna go, you know? So now it’s it’s more of a compromise, you know? So how do you decide went where the compromises?

Because there’s rarely right into 50 50 lines, right? Sometimes ones pushing or giving up more than the other. Have you guys decide in your relation. I got some thoughts on this. But how do you decide in relationships where who compromises Mawr? Huh? Huh? Stump? I guess it just depends like when it’s more like social things because that’s more of me, then I don’t know. I guess it just depends on what it is or if it’s like SciFi movies or SciFi activities, things like that When? And I guess that’s all kind of, that’s all.

That’s all him. But it’s more. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Hey, just depends on what it is. Why I just break out my Jesus name, Shut up shirt and there’s all good on that. That way, no real levels jacket over. It just busted out that I mean, really, But we you know, it’s just it’s the circuits. Whatever the circumstances at the time, I mean, it might be something where I go, you know what I mean? It’s really not that big a bill for me to compromise a little more.

I can give a little more. And then there’s some things I think you need to play in my field for a little bit, so it depends a situation where communication comes in which we had a great show on that. Check that one. There you go. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You throw in and out. So you have. What do you got? What? You And it was good. I think you also so Yeah, well, we’ll talk about let’s talk about us and then I’ll answer your question.

How about that? Jill and I are kind of like Toyota model where I’m them or excellent. Like, I’ll have a party all day. Every day I go to people’s house all day, every day and I’ll just come in the door like toy. I’m gonna check the door. And if it’s locked out front, check the back door before I got be something left open for me because I want to see that the reaction And I’m I’m cool. Like like if if it was up to me, anybody come by our house anytime they want.

So we got that extroverted versus introverted and my wife is mawr. She likes one on one conversations. She likes home mawr than going out. So we compromise there, and I think a healthy marriage is a some level compromise where we’re not going to go out and or have people over as often as I would like. But she also has to understand, too, that that that’s where I get energized and fueled. So there’s gonna be some times where if she really not in a place or doesn’t feel like one to go.

She also doesn’t get the right to go. But you don’t get to go, either. You need to stay with me because that’s where I get my fuel. So there’s gotta be a compromise there. She loves getting to the airport like 4 472 hours early with her, and I just need enough time to get through back. It’s almost like a game, especially if it’s not somewhere I really have to be like or life or death tomorrow. Like if I missed my flight, I could catch it later. So but I think that’s what goes back to where do we compromise?

I think sometimes whoever is caused the greatest pain in the situation, the other person so compromise, so like, for me, getting there two hours early is not a big deal. It’s just a little inconvenience and a little bit of waste of time for me, but her getting their last minute is going to cause level of anxiety, is probably going to cause, you know, her stomach to be upset. It’s gonna have a whole domino effect of stuff. And so it hurt. Doing that has probably saved you more than you know.

Oh, abs, absolutely. But again, I don’t care that much like if I miss Mr. But one time I almost missed my flight just cause I was sitting in a layover on my computer. And then I finally realized that do my flats gone, but the doors were closed, It was too late. So that’s how I live my life. And I figured out. But I think because her coming to my side would cause her way greater pain than me coming to her side, it makes sense for me to move further that way.

Then she would move this way if that makes sense. But I was trying to say, Yeah, that’s what I thought you were saying. I should have began my little thing by saying, as Toy was, say that and then filled it in. Speaking of as toy was saying you’ve heard of love languages, right? That this is an area of differences, right? Quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gifts and words of affirmation. What is your love language and wash your spouse is if you know Oh, yeah, Yeah.

Mine is a max of service and his is words of affirmation. So all you gotta do is pump him up. You got that? I got John. Got this. Now that you bring me a couple horses. Yeah, that’s what Lisa is totally active. Served what I heard when I heard you’re so sexy when you clean the bathtub, I’m like, Oh, it’s game on now. She’s probably just used that. So I clean the house, but really she is active. Was that your dad when he walked in on you?

That sex Dad making Really? What else of yours? Hang It? Sounds like you’ve been spending time about that. No, that sounds like every dad from a 20 person town. A few words you didn’t use that you share that. That’s all right. You got pretty close, huh? See, Aziz Faras be its words of affirmation. And that’s why after these shows deal with Eric. I got to go to therapy. Sex boost you up. You know, Jason, you’re doing a great job. I want to tell you that you are doing a great job way.

I’m proud of you. Proud of who you become an see your taking it up my childhood. So Oh, my God. I just saw so many your past wounds. Like ready. So I think it was like, give me the little active service of mock and do that really is like it’s small, but it’s such a big blessing to me because of who you are. Taking out the trash every week cooking when I don’t get home in time. Um, and cleaning the kitchen. Little dude. That’s like everything. E call.

I need to call Ahmad and give them words of affirmation. Baby Roll, bunions. Let’s get a mom on the phone booth. Do an amazing job, because clearly toy. I need you to cook green and take care of everything else. A little things. So when he does those things, you affirm him. Yes. Yeah. Text messages throughout the day. Things here. One Hey. Hey. A month. Yeah, like, Hey, babe, you are doing such a great job everything. Just keep up the good work in a Spanish accent. Hey, it works for you might try that.

Hey, what you doing As my dad, it will work to solve my problem. What is that? What is that line from Big Daddy when they’re when they’re calling their dad’s? Sandler thought the advertiser for that and never saw the big daddy. That’s too busy watching 90 days, right? So lovely, which is a way bigger than we think that I mean. I mean, we know it’s huge, you know, On the other end of that, too is, is not just are you of what? What is your spouse’s love language?

But it can also be used as a weapon like minds. Words of affirmation. So if you do like Eric and you use it, you know, Ugly wears with May, he’s going to tear me down, right? And so that’s why it’s used to know what that love languages for, not just how to build them up, but how not to tear them down. Yeah, you talk about what you’re saying is now. Not only do we have the absence of how I feel love best, but we have the presence of the negative attributes of that right, which takes you in a bad place.

And I think the other thing we wrestle with and this is why we talk about valuing differences. If I really value their difference, then I’m gonna try to learn how they best feel loved. And I’m gonna try to love them the way because our tendency is to love people the way we want to be loved. Back right? That’s just the natural tendency and and then a lot of times with couples. So if if there’s couples listening who do not know your spouse’s leveling, which has never heard of this, it’s a book by Gary Chapman to five love languages is a great book.

Go get it. There’s another similar idea. A book by Willard Harley called his needs her needs. They talked about the idea. We all have top emotional needs. And when want somebody meets our top emotional needs, we quote fall in love with them. And when they don’t, we quote, unfit, fall out of love with the kind of kind of deal eso Part of it is that that’s a key and value. Our differences is to understand. What are the things must house needs from me? And then what am I doing intentionally on a daily basis to try to meet them in the place where they most feel loved?

If you’re not doing that, I can guarantee you’re probably feeling like we’re roommates. I don’t feel like that. Only that I love me. And if you are intentional, then I can guarantee you the other person is gonna want to reciprocate. And these quote feelings of love we have for one another are going to flourish. So we’ve got to value our differences. Yeah, absolutely, man. I mean, go get the book, right? Oh, yeah. Every languages get online. I think if you just go toe like five lovely, which is dot com or so I’m just google it.

They have little free quizzes you can take to figure out what it is and how to do that. So that might be a fun thing. Do with your spouse is a week from home. Where is do that sharing with each other? Talk about Okay. What is that? Accent service. What does that look like? Right, right. Thank you all. So much for joining us on The RelationShop and for questions again. Send them to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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