[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Handle Family Drama (Episode #16)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya and I have Jason and Eric with me. Jason, what do you have for us today? Probably another question from the second so we can put hairs. What? I got me a question here. So this is from Deborah? Alright. Never from Frisco. Here’s what she said. My husband and I didn’t have Children when we were married, and now we have five kids and we have been married for three years.

I no longer want Children, but my husband doesn’t believe in birth control. After having the triplets, I had enough that would do It weighs the question. Here’s a question. What should I do? I feel bad. What? I try to have sex with him. Troy Way. Feel bad? Sorry to be a different one. Very important Wearing. Here’s a question that feel bad when I tried not to have sex with him and not an important work. It’s a big toe. Is try and not to you about the kids.

Or is it just not enjoy? Yeah, I think she’s triplets. Scared, man. Yeah, do it sounds like I would definitely do it. Get him fixed, that’s what That’s what I said. But she doesn’t believe in birth control. Well, well, that’s probably accurately placed Kick may do it. I know on the farm they just use rubber bands and eventually think coming over tonight, get you Rubber Bay. And that’s how the neuter dogs, all of our studio riel scenario you something. I mean, you can’t just I mean, come on.

I mean, my kids And 32 years It’s got to do something for your sex life to see if she’s scared going into Oh, my gosh, that sounds like a party. Come on. I mean, we got to do something. So, yeah, I’m with I’m with someone. Pastor, we got a We got to get that boy fixed, bring out the rubber bands on, and I mean, tang, I could I could I really feel for you. Debra’s a Deborah. I really feel for you, because I I mean, I can only imagine like, you know, you’re feeling good.

You like, I love my husband. Let’s let’s get it in. And but you’re like, But days I don’t want another baby, right? Oh, man and five kids. Five triplets. That’s the Yeah, man, I really feel for you because he doesn’t believe in birth control, so he’s probably not gonna want to get fixed, but I don’t even know what to say. In that case I’ve never heard of. Well, yes, I have. I have heard of that before. I do know someone that didn’t believe in birth control. And I think they have six kids now, Ana.

That’s just where that’s just what it is. Yeah, e don’t know. Because there are those families, You know that. But those those families that believe that the quiver full thing where you know, we just like God quiver full thing. You without scripture, like just, you know, crap in the Bible about, you know, have a Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blessing Quick. Think that God’s gonna shut her down. I mean, you got kids in a basement because you can’t afford 12 kids. At the end of the day, my question would be Did they ever discuss going in expectations about kids?

We’re gonna have to They have a vision for their marriage. Where they going? Is this haphazard? Does he want 10 kids and she don’t want any. What’s that? There’s a lot of different layers to this beyond just having sex or not having sex, birth control or not. Birth control. What’s their family planning? Whether they want to dio. Yeah, there’s There’s lots of other stuff you could do to try to prevent having kids if he doesn’t believe in birth control, if he doesn’t want to have kids. So my question would be Is the discussion not birth control?

Verse, birth control? But we’re both in agreement. We don’t want to have more kids or is a discussion. I don’t want more kids. He wants more kids, those air, those air, different level discussions. But I would say, Let’s begin talking about what’s our goal. And then, you know, you got the rhythm method. You got the pulling, praying. You got a lot of stuff that was going ahead. You don’t have to shoot the gun out sex role, right? Yeah. Is what you get. Yeah, yeah. So that would be.

That would be my thoughts to Deborah. Let’s sit down with your husband. Have a talk. What’s the discussion really about? What’s at the core? We want more kids, not more kids. We on different pages or is it simply were in agreement? There were not in agreement on birth control and then the stock about the best way to handle that and move on from there. That question? Yeah. There you go. Down. Good luck. Or you could just go with what I said to start with, which is a swift kick.

Which would you start to create some family drama, Which is what we want to talk about today about family dry. You do. Not that your family has any drama, but families have drama. You know what I mean? Two, if you have any questions for the shortest in their collections to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. Family drama. So we got some family drama, family, some of these shows we watch and wait. No, wait. A little bit of some family having to watch some drama. Yeah, you know, with you, you have to You have to when you talk about family drama, you got to go to Pedro Inchon, tell.

I mean, that’s just a no brainer. You don’t even have to ask who that is. Everybody knows Pedro on show until so much. I do not know this favorite your way. So So we know that family Java, you know their whole story is they could not. Pedro’s mom and sister could not stand her family. Her family cannot stand his family. And the problem with those two is as husband and wife. They wouldn’t listen to each other. They kept listening to their parents, right and their parents would not get out of their business.

And they just let him. So I mean, that’s that. That is drama upon What’s her ethnic background? She’s black and Pedro is his favorite. He’s Dominican. A Dominican. Yeah, Mama’s very Dominican. She’s got a little attitude. Got to, um, two cultures clashing strong mama’s way to the point Where were shot? Tells Mama brought a was Is a Taser brought a Taser like Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. There’s your strong mama. Yes, with their eyes. Their fight over Turkey’s or without had stuff in the past. Fight before Pedro with Chan tales.

Brother, right? Actually, it let me give you a little bit. Yes, yes, despite So she’s from Atlanta. They met because she was trying to learn Spanish, so she was introduced to Pedro, the mutual friend, And then he started teaching her Spanish online or, you know, face time or whatever. They liked each other. She food down there? Yeah. Date? Yeah, to the whole 90 days he came to America. And really, what started their drama is the fact that she lied to her family from the beginning. She told her family that he was a, uh was this when you come here for school?

Yeah, she was exchanged with. So that’s what she lied and told her family that he was here because he’s an exchange student and they just happen to be dating when really, he was here for the 90 day, you know, Visa or whatever. So and she didn’t expose the truth. Her family until a couple of days before they were supposed to get married. So the whole foundation of the relationship was based on a lie. And so ever since then, in an accent, yes. The family did not like him.

Thought he was here for a green card on Lee because they didn’t know why I was here in the first place. In the beginning, family don’t like anybody. They bring tasers to Thanksgiving way. We’ve been cool, but he’s after the great with a from Miami has ever not foot. Where were they from? Shanteau. And I tell you, they they were such an embarrassment, you know, like they not. But I mean, come on, I’m looking at them like I’m embarrassed right now. They are embarrassing me as a black woman.

Like I am embarrassed because they’re just really making us look like jeez, like, you know, just the whole how they didn’t embrace the culture at all. You know, it was just the way that whole thing was a train wreck because they let Mama’s takeover, I mean that easily been stuffed. If if Pedro let me hear the exit, if Pedro Teoh would have stood up to Mama and shots were tested up to Mama because that’s where the problems all started, where the family has too much business in the relationship but didn’t go over on the flip side, if you remember Elizabeth and Andre, remember Madre from Moldova?

Moldova accident, big boy, when he got forgot, I guess that’s all right. Yes. So they’re kind of the opposite spectrum where she is very family, but he doesn’t want family to be involved at all. So were the other spectrum there to the point. Where do you remember when she was having the baby? And he did not want Mama and the delivery room in that little at all. She like? No, this is a czar family. We at. They don’t need to be here. Even big old Moldova lost that one eventually.

You know you’re not gonna win that one. But but yes. So you got to spectrums there where you got too much business in the family, and then the other side is not involving family enough to this guy to be a happy medium there somewhere, right? Right. Yeah. You guys got family drama? Uh oh, no, I feel it in there. Oh, I just feel a family drama cloud. Have you not even Jason? Not even through the divorce or with no drama. Oh, I mean, you don’t have time for all the drama, but yeah, there’s always family.

I mean, the one really the one that got me the most in my family was my dad. I felt so bad with my dad. He was the executor of a will for his uncle, right? And this great family that we’ve been closed forever. It’s amazing what people do when money is involved. Right? So what happened was his uncle had shoes with holes in, um, he’s single. His whole life is an old man. Every thought he was poor as dirt until the will came up. And then that guy had money s so all of a sudden, Now, my dad is getting just pounded by all the family.

Just is for being a kid called a thief, and not just by simply following the will, uh, and that man, I felt that for that. I see. You see, You see a lot of that. I mean, when you bring out a will, there is ugliness going on there. I heard in there is he had lots of money cause he was single family drama. That’s a different show. Sure, it’s amazing. Family. That family knit bonding stuff goes out the window whenever there’s a will involve, man. So, yeah, that’s where I saw it.

I saw it with him, and I think the only way you deal with that is I think I mean, you gotta have a mediator, something that thing. You have somebody in the middle. You dealt with that a little bit. I have, actually. Yeah. I lost my dad this year and so had to go through probate for another family member. Who? He was the executive over that estate. And so then I had to go through probate for my aunt’s estate. And I had to deal with that with housing and, you know, with her house and stocks and all these types of things and then families just like, Well, what are your plans?

What you gonna do? You know, people. You barely even you. Yeah, And everybody is just trying to figure out what’s the plan. And are they in it? And what can wears their share? Where’s their portion? And this is like, Where have you been exactly all these years? And where were you when the bills were Do? Yeah, Yeah, all of a sudden that missed Miss. So you guys have never had any family drama would like either your spouses, parents or your spouses, siblings or nothing. Okay. No, no, no.

I was just playing earlier. Exactly. Just fine There. There was a little bit so back when of Ahmad and I were dating. And he would always go to Christmas to Houston for Christmas with his family. And because we were day and we weren’t, like, all the way that serious. So what we were getting there. So he’s like Toya, you know? Why don’t you come to my family dinner? So I’m just like, oh, sure way moving on to the next level accent. More like coast. It wasn’t so We’re making plans.

He calls his mom and just like, you know, Hey, me and Toya want to come down for Christmas this year. And mind you, this is back before we were both saved. Okay, so we were living and seeing We were shacking. Oh, little disclaimer. Let me put that out and be honest. You know yourself. So wait. He called his mom is just like, yeah, we want to come down for Christmas. Who? You know, I met his family before, and eso she’s just like, you know, that’s fine, but you can’t stay here.

And so it’s like if you all come down, you know, you got to get a hotel room, and I remember I was just like what? Like you have this big old house like we don’t want to sleep in the same room, but, you know, like, okay. And I just was kind of feeling a certain type of way. And I’m just like, Well, man, all right, all right. So I don’t feeling bad and a model, you know, him and his mom, he just like, Well, look, you know, Toya’s family has welcomed me.

Her grandma’s welcome be in Florida and you know, all of this. And now my family is not doing the same. He’s like, we’ll find if she’s not welcome, then I’m not coming either. You go, Ugo. Now, fast forward. So, you know, at the time, I’m just like, man, I so appreciate him sticking up for me and pat on my back, and I’m just like, OK, this is a good dude. I’m american, like these shoes and me, right? But I also see her side like I definitely not now that I’m saved, you know?

So I was a kid, and you’re not a not a k a bowling. That’s it, you know, So I’m like so you know, I totally I totally get it. But at that time, it was more like Ah, man. So after that, I was just, like, well saying, she don’t like me, you know? So it was just always just kind of weird, like, man, I guess I’m not good enough. You know, I just always had those feelings because of that. That happened that year for Christmas. What did that created that create issues with you on you among?

Yeah, I never and we’ve never argued. It was just I wasn’t comfortable around them. I just was not. I was shut down. Like I’m a very extroverted, talkative person. But when I was there, I would just completely shut down and go into a shell. And did they ever bring it up to you? I mean Oh, all right. So they treated you the same really counter. You just felt like I felt weird. And they probably thought like this. Uh, they were fine. They said they set a healthy boundary.

Yeah, which is what solves family drama. Yeah, expectation you had to go with it. Yeah, that’s eso probably in the midst Sound So something that Mr right? Yeah, Your hut. Your now husband chose you, But that was like, Hey, look at my boobs. Right? Yeah. OK, that one in a day. Come on. A j Somebody have a list of words to drive. Come on, game days be like, Yeah, that’s dope. That’s all sleep. Yeah, I know that. You can pay Joe, get Fleek. Yeah, way could do that.

Yeah, I think that that kind of stuff, what you experienced but the opposite happened happens with a lot of couples where you’ve got a lot of times it is, too. It is. The man in the relationship feels caught between mom and a wife. Yeah, right. And get stuck in this middle ground. Where for him? A lot times. It’s like it feels like, lose lose. Like I choose my wife or my girlfriend. My mom is gonna be mad at me if it might choose my mom. I can’t not honor my mom, right.

I don’t honor my mom. And then now my girlfriend, my wife’s matter, me and a lot of drama comes just because they haven’t done what the Bible says. Write Genesis 2 24 Lille and believe it is. We have too many men that missed that memo being You got it. Let me say real slow and long. Leave your mama so that you can cleave to your wife. Yeah. Then there’s a mama on the other side that’s gotta learn how to let him leave. Yeah, perhaps. Um, zu mama don’t know how to do that.

Which I would say. My mama didn’t do that either. My mama Oh, man s o she which I should have listened back that she didn’t want me to get married in first place. We’re back in the day, but that’s another story. But, boy, I remember some drama of my mom s. So I had I got married so young, the I got married, and then I went out to college, right? Oh, before college s Oh, yes. So I went off to college for a summer off in another state, and my new wife was here with next door to my parents. Right.

And so my mom is sending me, like, care packages and all that, and my my my wife at the time, whenever there is a way to people way. Well, my second cousin to talking, you’re the guy with the rubber band on the farm and you’re calling me out. I recognize it. Yeah. Please. Yeah. Similarities. Nose and eyebrows. Family picture Summer. They were all the same. Family get together and picnic. Next year they’re married. Yeah, E. I wish you were way wrong. What? You’re probably closer than you think.

So let’s talk about everybody, not everybody. A lot of people have family drama because we’ve not done a good job of what we said leaving in cleaving, which ultimately comes down to setting healthy expectations and boundaries. If you’re facing family drama in your relationship, the question I would have is our Have you set expectations on the front end where we spend in holidays? Uh, does the family have? Does your parents or family have access to our house whenever they want? Can they just stop buying come in?

Or did they have to call and let us know they’re coming there for families operate with different rules? Then we got what happens when the in laws come over and they start disciplining your kids. There you go. They have the freedom to do that. Or do they not? What about when they override your rules? So Grandma comes over, You’ve got some rules for your kids and Then you tell your kid to follow the rules you have in the house, and then Grandma just override you and says, I’m No, no, no, Honey, don’t know about you Would Grandma, You’re good.

You got lots of different areas like that that I think if you don’t discuss expectations around, here’s, here’s what I desire. Here’s what I need What do you need with your family and your parents? I think a lot of times you get the drama because you haven’t talked about clear expectations, right? That’s true. I know, even for me. You know, I grew up, you know, It was like the Cosby Show. We would go to my aunt’s house and, you know, the door was always open. We just walk in.

There’s always food and we go into down, start talking in the next thing you know, somebody else’s walking in and another person is walking in, and it’s just like, man, this is just the Social house, you know? So when I grew up, I’m just like, Hey, that’s what I want, You know? I want people to be able to come over, but somebody wanted to move all the way up nor so then we’re like an hour away, so we didn’t get any company. But whenever I go visit my family, I’m like, I’m just gonna walk right on in because that’s what I’m used to And a model be like What you do is talk about door on life.

You’re gonna ring my doorbell, Toya. Don’t just come rolling anymore, though. I know your time. You already have a four time Fowler. Don’t say a word don’t found because at least she message missing the Fowler’s last week. Wait, I’m sure there was a good excuse. There is a good guy. I need to be shampooed. Good. Came on. It was It was my boo. Like that guy back to bus over y all day. Hey, Lisa, Is it always you? That’s what I want to know. Way tracks over.

So I got a solution for the walking because my dad, when I first got married Oh, my gosh, he did the same thing. We didn’t like Ando. We heard we heard the door. U s So what really was So I fix that, But they’re walked in and saw me naked. Yes, it isn there Bubble’s bubble of America working the living. Yeah, well, and I will say I don’t take this wrong, but I will say my dad was a proud man. That is it, that’s all. Anyone. I don’t know what plan I could go.

So many direct way stay way had issues with the whole discipline parenting thing. And that was that. I mean, my I mean, of course now our kids are older, but this is back in the day with my ex because my ex she tend to voice her opinion, and my mom tend to have her opinion. So that was the big issue there. Where do exactly what he was saying. Oh, you don’t have to do that. Your grandma’s house now that created some big issues that really the issues were for me because I’m in the middle, right?

I’m in the middle of that stuff, and the only way we got around that is I had to talk to Mama and say, Hey, can you can’t be throwing me under the bus because that there was some cold nights their way went to Mama’s house. Have you guys ever had talked to a lot of couples that this is an issue where one of, um, just grew up and we just help each other out. That’s what we do, my family. And so then they get married. Now their finances are theirs together.

But one is often given finances and helping his family or her family, where the other spouse’s now like Hold on, man, What’s going on way? Just That’s just what we do. Yeah, I’m not gonna leave my family high and dry. We support each other. If we were in trouble, they support us. You guys ever had money issues with giving the family or borrowing from family? And I’m too tired for that. You can. I’m way too tight for that. What you say In the beginning, we we did lend out money, but we always I guess we always knew, though, if we lend out anything, even if it’s stuff for money is just like, Hey, man, we will we lend this out.

Just don’t expect to ever get it back. So, like, that’s a conversation that we had even when we were dating. Um, like any time we do that, it’s not coming back. If it does, you know, hallelujah it. But we’re not gonna expect it. And ah, now, shoe. Let’s just be honest. We’re the ones that are like, um can you help us with this? So, you know, it’s kind of turned at this point at this season, so, you know, that’s us right now. There you go. I mean, as long as it comes, ready, needs, help it time someone with that.

But no, I mean, that’s a whole That’s a dangerous thing, lending money because you’re at that’s a good way to do it. It’s expected not to come back, but what? Yeah, but even that is part of the part of the problem happens that when they’re not in agreement, then one still feels an obligation to the families. They’re going to figure out how toe funnel stuff to them. And when the other one finds out, man, you’re not being honest. You go, you go back and forth, which again comes back toe.

What are our expectations? What are boundaries? Healthy boundaries are the greatest tool toe fight, family drama like you do Not if if if mama is calling and she rips you a new one. Every time she called, she criticizes. You don’t have to answer the phone, right? You don’t set healthy boundaries, and you’re because that’s that’s the other part. When you talk about family drama, sometimes your marriage is negatively impacted because your spouse and their family can’t get along. And so they get a call from Mama. A call from sister brother.

Who did you hear what brother said about you on this and that? And then you turn around and now you’ve got a spouse that’s unhappy, and it’s ruining your marriage. Like hold on, hold on my house. I’m trying to keep my house good. And I got these outside people that keep ducking in. So I think you don’t have to answer the phone. You could set a boundary. Hey, Mom, I want to talk to you or a brother. Dad, I want to talk to you. But if you’re going to call and criticize, then I’m going to choose not to answer the phone.

I’m gonna hang up. Yeah, and you minimize some of those things. So there was one. I mean, the only time and this broke me. Ah, basically, Lyndon family money Is that lended money to help out for bills And I tell you what? Facebook is sometimes a great tool because then you see him on Facebook later. All vacation. I’m saying, look, vacation my money just for vacation. Boundary just became all right, bro. Hey. And I showed the Facebook picture. Yeah, you go. No picture of me egg in their house.

You’re playing with dozen A. So I don’t mind helping, but I got to know what is going for. We got to talk about details, and so that’s where I’m out of Lyndon money. I got to know details, man. My issue was more of answering the phone. So I guess for me growing up whenever, like, a family member might call back to back or shoot even just any family member I like, always feel like I need to answer, because in the path, it’s like it’s always may be bad news.

You know, somebody’s in the hospital. Somebody passed away. So when being, um, I got together, he’s like, Why do you answer your phone every time it rings? And I’m like, because you never know what’s what’s going on, like I need to understand. But now you know, for no better. Better now, but yeah, for me if a phone is ringing and I’m going to answer it, I’m going to answer. But I I’ve gotten better now, like even my mom. If she knows I’m at home, she’s not gonna call me as much as she used to.

So I know. And even now, like I’ll let it go to work tomorrow. Architects and be like, Hey, what’s up? You know later, later trying media. Sometimes you got distance you have. Sometimes you have those people in your family that their crisis, they always expected the your crisis. People call and trying to draw you into their thing and say, I think Paul talks in Galatians, Chapter six. I think I don’t have the versus right in front of me, but he talked about carrying each other’s burdens. But then we got to carry our own loads, which is a great rule of thumb.

We have responsibility for our own stuff, but stuff that is bigger than us. That is kind of stuff that we as family need to carry each other’s burdens. But we’ve got to recognize what that looks like. Yeah, There you go. Well, thank you so much for joining us on The RelationShop today. We’ll see you next time. Send in those questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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