[THE RELATIONSHOP] The Number One Source of Conflict (Episode #15)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya. And with me, I have Jason and Eric. So are we ready? Oh, before we get started. If you have any questions, please send those questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. So, Jason, what is our question for today? We got one from Tony. All right, Tony from Frisco. Here you go. All right. Me and my lovely wife had been married for two years.

She’s six months pregnant and her mother is showing signs of controlling. For example, we got an example. For example, she always wants to be with my wife with every doctor visit and when it doesn’t fit her schedule. My wife makes it work for her mother. But I have to change my schedule to I feel in. My daughter is both my mother in law. Philip. Sorry. Let me read that. I feel like when my daughter is both my mother in law is going to become very controlling. What?

I don’t know way I’m trying. I feel that when my daughter is both oh, Bordeaux Alright, alright. Alright. So I would never start from this part right here. Okay. Okay. That was my daughter. Okay, A filler. When my daughter is born, my mother in law is going to become very controlling. What should I do? Sorry, Tony, that were lapping at your question. Do that makes so much more sense when you use the right way. Uh, I just started laughing when someone, when someone starts the question with my lovely wife Yeah, you’re struggling to even think well of your life yourself.

Yeah, All right. So it’s the typical How involved should our in laws be in our own marriage? What does it look like to actually leave in Cleave? That’s the question. They really even cleave. Does that happen? I mean, that should, sure, but yeah, I don’t take it. Takes longer than expected, though. Uh, that depends on the parents. That that sure it didn’t take too long. In my case, I think this goes back, Teoh Another episode on priorities in marriage. And is it really the kids or the marriage?

So I think the kids have been a priority as little kids. Then when they get married, you don’t know how to turn that off a little. Johnny. I just want to make sure little Johnny’s right. Oh, here’s I need this quick survey on this one. Okay? How many of you when you got married? Still talk to your parents every day? Well, how many of you since there’s only two of us thistles, the whole audience questions, people raising their hands, driving down 6 35 Yeah. Okay. I mean, I don’t I’m glad about that.

I don’t talk to my parents that much. I’m going to say I’m a girl, so I do talk to my mom. I probably do talk to her every day. I probably do. And my dad? I talked to him. Probably once a week, probably. But my mom, I do talk to her every day, but it’s not like I It’s not like she’s so in control of my life. So you know what I’m saying? I get it and go back to Tony’s question. Tony Ahmad in here is all I know you said stumble around that, but I mean, it’s not like I mean, a bit of that going back to Tony’s question here.

Okay, so I think the guys in a little bit of a dilemma. Because you’re talking pregnancy, you gotta throw pregnancy. It’s not just a controlling mom, but she’s pregnant. Yeah, and you know, daughters and moms during that time, there’s a thing, and he’s got to be all sensitive to her. And so he can’t push that envelope too much. So he’s in the tough ones. Sorry, Tony. Years tough with man number nine. We’re gonna have to push the envelope someday. Someday. Let’s say good day to do it. Yeah.

I mean, at some point, you need to talk about expectations in shipping. You talk about boundaries with the family. So should wear. This is never gonna stop throughout. The whole pregnancy is going to go through. Mom gets the call first when she’s on the way. The hospital? Yeah. Mom is the one sitting by the bed, not him. Then as soon as we have the kid moms over there doing all this, every name new is it’s never gonna end. Agreed? I agree. But, Tony, But just better bring your Kleenex is gonna be a lot of crying, Tony, This is why you need healthy community around you so that this is not just a you versus your wife conversation that there’s under healthy community weighing in saying, Hey, this is what healthy boundaries look like And you need to know how to set thes with both sets of in Los Because this is a marriage, especially early on in marriage, you develop a great foundation.

If you look in the Bible. They used to talk about how, in the first year of marriage they wouldn’t even let the man go to war and there was a reason for it. It’s because they needed to establish themselves as one as a couple. And so the husbands who did not go out to war in that and there’s there’s a great concept at this time. But But But wait, now here. Okay, with this, I’m going back to the pregnancy. I gotta I gotta tell Tony to watch.

It’s a little bit because what happens now again, you’re dealing with some hormones you’re dealing with. Cem some. Maybe it’s their first kid. I don’t know it. So it’s a It’s a different kind of dynamic. So now can you create resentment by going Okay, look, your mom can’t just be doing what she’s doing. We got to do it our way. I mean, are you going to create a whole nother issue now? Because that’s definite. That’s exactly why he needs that community. Because I can honestly say, Like when I was pregnant, my mom on Lee went to the appointments that, um, I could not make it to, and it’s like in.

So she’s gonna feel a certain type of way. Maybe, But he needs that community to help him, to just be like, Look, this is important cause it’s his first kid like, Yeah, you shouldn’t feel left out because of his mother in law. So this is where you stabbed it. Listen, as a husband and father of three girls, hormones are always raging. No meat out of the mix. At some point, you have to say, this is healthy for us. This is an US discussion. We need to respect each other’s desires and wants in this and a man.

So really, what you’re saying is, Tony, when you sit down with your wife, have your posse behind you sitting there with you because you’re gonna need it, bro. You gotta say, I’m saying this would be a great topic. I know you don’t know because you keep missing for life group like. Come on. You were used to seeing you, right? You left early. No. I left on time because at another ministry responsibility, my bad. No Arkansas football game. Yeah, you know, it’s all right. If I if I can If I could have the ministry crunch, I take it to a man.

You can just serve somewhere, bro. I served after you left community that I served everybody. They’re awesome. So anyway, that’s docks. Tony, this is what you have to do in marriage, Period happens to be this issue right now, which is the pregnancy about the end of day. That’s part of establishing the weariness of marriages. What are healthy boundaries? What we need, what we expect from each other. And if you and your wife can’t come to agreement on that, get some community involved, they’ll help you get where you need to get needs.

Us. Today we’re talking about the number one source of conflict in your marriage. Yeah, people like No, we got 57 conflicts. How does he know the number one? It’s real simple. Here is Here’s what you’re really fighting about whose needs matter more that who that’s all your fights, whose needs matter more. I need it quiet. My wife needs to TV on the fall asleep. Whose needs matter. Mawr. You want to go see your family for Christmas? I need to avoid my in laws whose needs matter more. I’m guessing from the shows you describe that you guys probably wasted some brain cells again this week.

Yeah, some of these couples who are in a power struggle for whose needs are more important. Yes, so I’m going to the newest season of 90 day fiance and looking at Miss Annie, who’s from the D R Dominican Republic and Robert. It’s from New York but lives in Florida now. So she just came into America. They have their 90 days now to get married, and it was hilarious. She came, she said. I gave my sister all my clothes so that she can sell him and give the money to the family and the D. R. And I don’t have anything.

Can you take me shopping? He’s like, Oh, that’s easy. We don’t go shopping today after drop off, right? It was a lady shaking her shopping. Yeah. So where to go? They pulled up to a threat. Get on. Go where you want. I e I don’t like that. I don’t like that. And then the sale of laser removes clothes. The shells lady came up and she was like, Yeah, can I help you find that? You know, these air? Really good. You barely used clothes. She’s like, these clothes are used.

And she was like, Yeah, she’s like, Oh, no, Get me out of here. Yeah, that hell, she busted him. Yeah, he could. He couldn’t see it here. I mean, you know my boy, Robert. I love Robert. Robert. Robert is not. He is not one of these guys. It’s like I’m too scared. I’m gonna lose this lady. He pp holds his ground pretty good like that. His hair was proud about what he did. I kind of felt bad for the boy because he thought he was doing something good.

She is chopped his legs. Let him have it. He was rolling in there like Macklemore. Hey. Hey, You walk on the O. I don’t even want to tell you what this week’s episode was like with them Well, it’s gonna be another show. He introduces them to kids. Parents, right? Is the best part. The best part is Mom, the grandmother takes her aside. She wants to know what kind of quality lady it is. Make sure good for her grandson, and the grandmother says, Okay, I’m just gonna get this out in front, because because you’re gonna find out about sooner or later.

But I’m a porn star. Eso grandma is asking her about her qualities because she wants a good lady for her grandson. And she’s a porn star. Grandma Grandma porn star and has been appointed for 15 years. Yes. Still still like that? Gotta go. What’s that? I’m not going to put on the no. One. That is that, like a category? I guess it’s a grandma I e Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like one night, grandma, When I amputee grandma’s people in the way. Yeah. So number one source of conflict.

Whatever would you say? Whatever’s me more? Grandma’s. These it I don’t know. Anyway, so yes. Wow, that’s a whole different thing. Yeah, cause I’m over here just like let’s talk about the third store. But now you’re three and grow So it opened it all up. Yeah, it opened it all up, So Wow, it’s Grandma. Stage name, way. I’m not going. Then, then Okay, so So then there is tenia right and Sinjin. You know them? Yeah, remember that he’s one of South South African. So in their issues this week, So they’ve had to What?

So she has this big long talk and they go to dinner and they’re talking about kids and I wanna have kids and he doesn’t want to have kids. Not just I want to have kids later. He does not want to have kids and he said, I thought he nailed it. Hit his words were You’ve already written your book and I’m just a character in it. It’s so she’s already decided what she’s gonna do with her life. And she just needed a guy to fill that in. So, man, I felt bad, and it gets worse with them this week to, but I won’t go there in there now.

So he flew on in from South Africa to New York to be with her, and she she just threw that Adam like I’m right. I’m getting older. I’m ready for kids. And what were his point? Well, what did he tell her? Where his plans when he came to America to see that’s what she liked about him. Because he’s such He’s not a guy to be, like, tied down kind of thing He likes. He’s kind of a free spirit. Basically. She like that about him Until now it’s getting riel.

Yeah, And also in that free spirits not as attractive anymore. So yeah. Yeah, we got some issues with them, so they might have a source of conflict there coming on. Right? And I thought it was hilarious because he mentioned specifically like, I don’t know, Maybe I want to be a fireman. Maybe I want to go and audition for the operator. Maybe I want Teoh there. I mean, I’m here. I just I don’t know, You know, I got somebody, actually. Does he like eight? Like being astronaut and potentials right now in America?

I think this place is I try to have some aptitude for this room. You don’t even sing Opera singer. Yeah, maybe he’s awesome. Who knows? So So we have one couple where it’s all about materialism, right? And in the other couple where their relationship goals are just completely off. Yeah, right. Yeah. We didn’t bother toe discuss that before we started chatting online. Yes. I mean, you see it all the time. That way we can go. I mean, Eric, and bust us on these reality shows. Like we’re just sitting at home watching so problems.

But come on, you walk out the door and you see it every day in the street. It’s out there. This is Don’t tell me you don’t see in your office. Yeah, but I get paid for that. Oh, so so basically, what you’re saying is you think you bring me your That’s yes. You were going. You got a baby. If you pay the cracks, bro. I don’t sit down to my TV and watch people with bad posture and scoliosis on shows. And guy, I’m just basically like Jason.

All right? I don’t even know where to go with Ugo hits to the left. Just a little way. He’s been lifting the 92nd pop on his way. I’ll start singing something. What about you guys talked about? I heard you talk about two categories. Relationship goals and materialism. Yeah, any of those areas ever been conflicts in your mouth? You can shoot. All right, so I’m gonna go ahead. Yeah. Materialism. Okay, so, of course you know, you’re young. You have goals. You know, get your Toya leads in with an excuse to everything you may remember.

Last episode was she want to talk about how you know, she calls her mom too much. She Well, because, I mean, you know, I’m a girl, so anyway, so when you were younger, uh, so you get your first little job, You know what benefits? And, you know, you’re making good money in your early twenties, and you’re like, You know what? I get shop where I want to shop. I could buy what I want to buy. No more budget, no more waiting on a sale, you know? And I’m like, I’m gonna only shop at these stores.

These are my stores. And I’m a shop there so much they know my name. Oh, villain. Great. Okay, stupid. I’m just trying to forget you made money in the early twenties. Where was I? So I don’t know. What? What was your shop of choice back then? I don’t even know if the store is still there, but not That’s why I wanted Here s so it was BB. Bebe was there and there was another boutique that I cannot remember the name, but I know they’re not there anymore, but I was all about boutiques.

Like the little off Broadway type shows. Yeah, something else is Where the same shoes. Okay. Yeah. I wan t you want to make a statement? Be different. I want my clothes to fit me right there. Ugo, I wasn’t far from you because I mean, the materialism for me was I mean, really, I had to have the clothes and I had to go by the Humber. The Humber was my statement, right? Eso I mean, it took me a while to figure that out, but but But I was what I was actually doing that came the reality.

I was doing all that because I had this, you know, self esteem thing going on. And so that was basically feeling my self esteem. Eso the the feeling important and everybody going Did I love you? Ride and I do. Man, you dress the good, That kind of stuff. Yeah, so yeah. So, yeah, that was that was Every member should come with a sticker on the back that says yes, I’m overcompensating. I e feel overcompensating. I love that thing. I you like, have to fill up half way to work with every four miles to gallon.

Hey, you good? You are. You were driving a long distance then in that homo. You kidding? Yeah, I was driving. I was spending There’s no life. Yeah, I was dr As using 1/2 a tank a day in that thing, having taken a and that’s what gases like $4 a gallon, right? Yeah, a little bit, I think. Jason, that’s why it So is one thing that I think we all in America got a little bit of materialism. Consumerism, Right? Because we’re so abundantly wealthy and other countries. But But when we talk about conflict now, now what happens when I think you hit the nail on the head?

Jason, when you talked about the reason I wanted this stuff was filling a need in me of acceptance or recognition or admiration or something. Because if it’s not that big a deal to you like that and somebody front you on it is not that big of a deal. But now let’s say you’re spouses like, Hey, we got to go on a budget and cut back right now. It’s not just Oh, yeah, that makes sense. It’s your coming after my greatest need acceptance. And so how do you battle on on that back of?

No. And that’s basically what happened is that I was so tied up into, you know, looking a and making myself feel good that that it did financially, you know, the money that could should have gone up probably to debt. Uh, didn’t you know that can cause that cause some strain in the marriage to, you know, just trying to feel that void and insecurity could create a strain on the marriage. So yeah, you’re absolutely right on that for sure. And saying with me, like I identified myself with my stuff.

And so that’s the only way I felt like, OK, I am being successful. I am doing well. My parents did raise me good to be on my own and do my own thing. It’s like, OK, I’m gonna plan for this plan for that, and I’m a look good doing it and being a nice car doing it in showing. Hey, parents. Good job. Thank you. I’m good. You know where about me? You did a great job. And and I’m also the firstborn. So I always had that in my mind that I need to set that tone for my sister.

So even though no one told me I had to, that was in my own mind. Yeah. Yeah. So it was just that same things. But then when turn into getting married and then actually having the conversation of plans and it’s just like, Oh, shoot, I’m not gonna be able to keep this up. And then you’re hit with the reality of I didn’t I identified myself for so long through stuff. And now I realized how stupid that waas You know, just how that meant nothing. And so then you turn into, you know, you okay?

What do I need to do now in my marriage to be more successful, right? Yeah, right. I mean, that’s obviously materialism is I mean, you know, shopping. And now that’s if that’s an issue with a lot. But what about those couples? Like, I know a couple when you’re talking about conflicts and goals and marriage and all that stuff. So you got one of them that loves to travel, go out, have fun and partying all that and the other one likes the quiet night at home. So the wife basically thinks now, man, he’s boring.

They wanna have fun. And the husband’s basically got what? You have to go do other things. You don’t want to spend time with me at home. So in order to get love from you, I got to go out, have fun. You just can’t have that quiet. Not at home. So there’s this conflict and it really they’re communicating to each other that they don’t. They don’t have fun when they’re with each other and they want to be around. So I don’t know that my theory with this one, this is my theory.

I tell this to my kids all the time, the two year rule. When you’re dating somebody, you got to take two years at least, to figure out who you’re really married, because I just I believe you know you’re putting on that show the first few months and all that. And so I just think like this couple, I think they just jumped in way too soon, and they didn’t really know each other as well they should. So all of a sudden, now we got a conflict going on.

So Lisa goes out a lot because you’re boring. Hey, wait, work through this on you are. You see my shirtless picture being in the back way, right? That’s right. Nine years. Here’s a good. Here’s a good thing to think about a relationship we talked about how really every source of complicate is whose needs matter most. Or you can kind of go every time you have a conflict with your spouse. There was an expectation underneath, vocalized or not, that wasn’t met, right? My question would be, When do you know if because we all have expectations?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. We all have needs and wants. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. When does it cross a line from an expectation to an idol cause you’re gonna fight differently for those right, Because the reality for everyone of us, we we allow stuff to come into our lives that become idols. It becomes the most important thing, and there’s a truth for all of us. They will always abandon our lesser loves for our greatest love, right? So you think about we’ve all known people or hurt stories of people who have had substance abuse addictions, and you just can’t understand why, man, they lose her job, that lose a family, that Liu’s finances.

They’ll be homeless all for the next fix, because that thing has become an idol and you were abandoned and give up lesser loves for your greatest love. So in marriage, you’ve got figure out. When is this just I’m frustrated. I have an expectation met, and this thing has become such an idol in my life that, like I walk away from my spouse or I will fight my spouse tooth and nail to make sure I get this thing at all cause that’s just an idle is a replacement, right, trying to replace it.

And so when it’s more than just cash, I need this need at the moment, versus I am trying to use this thing shopping or whatever it is to cover up something else because I don’t really like being with my husband or, you know, in my case, it was insecurities or whatever. So when that becomes the the basically, the cover up for what’s really going on is when you’re dealing with an idol’s one. That’s what I’m thinking. Wow. And I would say it is It’s so important to have a spouse that really, really loves you and really wants that, you know?

So the cool thing is like with me in the mind, you know? Yeah, it was all into those clothes and things within the conflict came because he was, like, really hip hop, You know, he was like, into neo soul like chillin. And that’s happening not really into the materials like I waas. And when he brought it to my attention, it was just like Hung. Okay, this this dude Israel. I like this guy, you know, And so then it made me really look at myself and figure out OK, how important?

So that was my moment of truth of Is this idol that important to me? To where I’m I want to just hold onto that and lose the opportunity of a good relationship? Or do I want to hold on to this and just be like, forget? Forget this. I’m gonna do me, and if you’re here, you’re here. So I think that’s kind of where some people come to the issue of what you’re saying. Am I going to choose my idol or not? And that’s that’s kind of that that fork in the road of Am I?

What am I going to do at this point? Right? That’s good. I think you’re saying if that might be a sign right there, I don’t know if you’re saying that, but an unwillingness to compromise, Yeah, maybe an indicator that that’s a little, I think another one. I wasn’t thinking about that until you said it. I think another one would be. When you find yourself maybe judging your spouse or even punishing your spouse because this thing’s not being met, it might have moved from just a need or desire over title stairs and feel like, Well, since you’re not bowing to the idol I’ve set up in my own heart, you now need to be punished for it.

You said you’re not I’m not, you know, whatever it is. And you know I beat me here then, like if you would have said, Oh, about you don’t want me, have that stuff and cook your own dinner on, why don’t you? Yeah, and here’s the danger and some of that, too. When you start doing that, when things start becoming an idol over your spouse, then you’ve just opened the door for another person that come in a bid out of like, right, You’re not like this person over here, right sudden.

Now we get re Elish use. Now that’s exactly opening the door to that. So it’s just like May I choose compromise, fight for your marriage and guard your heart and guard never says that for 23. Watch over our guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. We all have the ability to allow something to become an idol in our heart when we do. I think that’s where James comes in, and James tells us in Chapter four, What’s the source of our quarrels?

It ain’t, you know. It’s the stuff in my own heart. I want my own desires that now you’re getting in the way off because I haven’t guarded my heart well, right? I think every marriage is susceptible to having that kind of stuff happen guard our own hearts, and we allow stuff to become so important, which goes back to Jason’s point Chase. Getting some time dating the person to be able to determine what are the affections of this person’s heart. Right? You will see those over time. I mean, they can fool you for a little while because you like it that you’re the affection of their heart because of all that they do for you.

But watch the other things. What what else do their hearts? Are they drawn to not called you right? Yeah. Yeah. Meaning. You know, you’re talking about apple throughout some scripture. Ready, pastor? Someone called help Soothe. Yeah, Okay. Jobs. You know, James talked about how temptation comes from my own desire, right? Yeah. Get dragged away then. That gives birth, you know, sin, which gives birth to death. So that’s basically where I’m talking from where you let this little you lead. So? So whether shopping today turns into pornography, tomorrow turns into meeting someone else online turns into well, given half of my stuff to my exes, but it turned into, uh yeah, so yeah.

So Yeah. There you go, Pastor. I get him to you might be over there like I have a counselling again if anyone. If anyone has questions, please send those to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. And thanks so much for joining us. I’m Toya, with Jason and Eric.

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