[THE RELATIONSHOP] Putting Kids First In Your Marriage (Episode #14)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

Be sure to send in your relationship questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose pop culture and provide couples with real relationship advice that works. I’m Toya. And with me, I have Jason and Eric. So Jason Yeah? You got a new question for us today. That a question. This one is coming straight out of prosper from an All Right. So here’s what Anna says. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about four years. Still like to have my own life, But my question, how do you handle privacy in a relationship, especially with mobile phones and social media?

Ah, how do you handle private sag? And she wanted Teoh that you can’t have my password. Sorry. I wish I was here. I got Mawr questions for questions, too. Like I’m picture and does. And his boyfriend? Not letter ever on his phone. Does Anna live with her boyfriend? Is he the guy that sleeps with his phone under his pillow Made? Does he not think she should have access to his phone because they have things there? I got so many questions elsewhere. Maybe I didn’t know that was on there.

Yeah, that’s that’s a good question. I mean, so what about you. Do you have your wife has your passwords. And now that s so. I think there’s two sides to one. Is married versus boyfriend girlfriend? Sorry. Let me just address married couple. Didn’t you come back on? Boyfriend girlfriend? Married couples should have access to everything. Why don’t My wife can get on my phone anytime she wants. You can get on my computer. She’s got passwords to my Gmail. She can She has access to anything. I’m not hiding anything. Right.

And I think anybody who doesn’t want their spouse to have access to those things. Why? Right, Right, right, right. Thank you. Boyfriend? Girlfriend? I don’t know where. I mean, they’ve been dating four years, so yeah, I probably got a whole another set of questions for And as to why he didn’t put a finger ring on the finger yet, but so that’s a difference. So you’re saying we’re okay without the passwords? If we’re just boyfriend, girlfriend depends winning the relationship, so yeah, I don’t know what I don’t know where they’re at.

I’m talking and husband. Wife has a whole new level of oneness that a boyfriend girlfriend does not have. Right? So I don’t know where they’re at in the midst of the relationship. But at the end of the day, if I don’t have anything to hide, why don’t need privacy in areas that unless, unless you’re trying to surprise them, like like okay, think about it. Like so for my last birthday, I wanted to surprise him with a birthday dinner with a big group of friends, right? So that’s where it’s just like for that reason, I don’t want him to be able to have complete access to my phones.

Then he’ll know what’s going on. So I know that’s an exception. But that’s the person that never wants their spouse to have access for the one time of year. They want to find something for them. Yeah, just get a Google number, set up a new email that there’s too many easy ways around way. I’m starting to wonder about Toya A. Just everybody knows I have full access to a mod stuff, but back in the day when I did it, I just use his thumb to get in when he was sleep way getting I have another glass of wine.

Wake up with the light in your face trying to get that face. I feel like what do you do it, right? Okay. There’s always a way. There’s always what do we tell Anna? If if an is asking about should I still have some privacy in my life? Because we’re not married? You know, that would be a different discussion. I’m telling I where you’re right. You don’t know if they’ve been dating two weeks for two years. Yeah, but I think it’s all about where she’s going to The relationship is this is it.

This is a guy that she really sees it. Hey, you know what? This is a guy I’m into. I think I wanna pursue relationship, and he’s not coming clean with stuff. You know, You got to start question if you think so. Red flag, red flags. What I’m saying and use it as a red flag. If he’s not giving it up, then you might want to give him up. And here’s something else. You know, most of us women that you know, I don’t even know. Every time I look at you, just wait.

You know what? Anna is her name. Okay, So, Anna, from Prosper, I also want to add in, You know, as a woman, we think that after marriage that things will change because you’re married. So my thing is, if he’s showing you his colors now and hiding things like this now, then no, that that’s exactly the marriage that it’s gonna be unless the change happens now. So don’t think that marriage is going to change everything because it’s not so. Pay attention. That’s good. I got one more angle before we bounce from this question.

One more angle. Let’s say An is asking because they’re dating and the boyfriend wants access toe everything of hers, but he’s controlling, so that’s a whole new level of that. I don’t know that if he’s not willing to make the marriage commitment and your desire ing it. But yeah, he asked that back says to your phone and your email. And he has a jealous or controlling streak. Now we’re talking about a different angle where he’s not your husband. He does not need access to everything of yours if he’s using that to control you and deal with his other stuff.

So that’s one more stop for Anna to get about it. On where and It’s coming from the way Anna sounds like. Sounds like better keep a close eye. And it is probably sitting here listening, going. It’s not all that I was wondering what exactly? That’s that’s transition into today’s hot topic? Yes, yes, what we’re talking about today. We’re talking about putting kids first in the Mary, uh, our priorities, right? Are the kids the priority or is marriage the priority? And I just know that I know that I know that you guys watch some stupid show this week.

Hey, illustrates this purse that’s quite pass up. You already know it. Wear fashion confession piece before you move on. I may or may not back in the day. Have seen some episodes of toddlers and t are, you know. Yeah, honey. Boo boo way. So I know what it looks like when you prioritize the little pageant kids. But as I go, I have a I can’t even say I’ve never seen Honey Boo boo. Come on. My limits from it. I have not gone back. Yeah, right. Way got here.

All right. I am thinking of 90 day fiance. Other way with Ronald and Tiffany. So Tiffany from rattled the gambler, right? Yeah. Okay, So he is from South Africa, and then Tiffany, I can’t remember. But she’s the American. I can remember what state she’s from. But she has a son from a previous relationship. And she met Ronald going on a trip to South Africa. Met him on that vacation. They then started. They continued their relationship dating all of that. Since then, she’s decided to pick up and move to South Africa with her son, who’s probably like, eight. Right?

Because Ronald couldn’t get papers to come over because we’re gonna go. Felons are He had all the gambling television, right? I see what you watch it. He’s not able to come to America, so she’s like, you know, we’ll just move to South Africa, right? So she packed up herself in her eight to 10 year old son who is a good kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really good kid. And he really loves Ronald. Calls him Papa. Daddy, you’re OK. And Ronald calls in my boy, so they have a good relationship.

She gets over to South Africa, gets pregnant, married first, married? Yes, Yes, She got married. She got pregnant, quickly realized she did not want to have a baby in South Africa because of the cost of the private hospital. So she then packs up and moves back to America. Right. So she says that she puts her son first or tries, but it’s like, I don’t know that to me, that was That was the killer episode when they are flying back. That kid had already bonded with Ronald s, so he wasn’t sure about going there.

Then you got him there, and then I did. And now you’re ripping him apart, taking them home. You’re making all these decisions, not even thinking about the kids. So, you know, we’re talking about course. You see it all over where we where we go. Too much for the kids. I think it wants of it. In this case, it didn’t even consider it kids. So that that was a bad one. And what about the second baby? So she’s had the baby. Um, and Ronald is not a part of the light, like, you know, faced on, right?

But it’s like So now you’re raising a kid. Another kid without the dad. Physically, there s So what does that do to the kid? I mean so not tell you what’s happening. I’ll tell us. Having it is what it is that she’s preparing her kids for win gambling felons in JLO and they only get to visit him every once a while. Okay, ask forgiveness for Boo Boo, but he can’t ask forgiveness for saying, You can’t have this. I’m just saying when the kids were having to do Christmas through the glass with him on the way.

That preparation, she’s, well, good parenting, Mom, I Okay, so watching that show, there’s also another show. Smother. Now I have to meet. I haven’t seen much of that, but I’ve seen enough to go. There’s some There’s some crazy ladies out there. So what smothered is if you don’t know its mother daughter teams who are best friends and, like they do everything together where you might have won that they go on blind dates together and I’ll ask. But you might have another one that’s married, and she spends all her time with her daughter and the husband’s kind of just just in the back seat doing nothing. Nothing.

So so yes, So that’s the other extreme. Where what case? Not thinking about the kids in the other case where there’s a little too much kids going on there. So I think we got a lot of that going on. The question is, why? Why do parents get to the place? Because when they married, hopefully they married because they enjoy time together, right? But then the kids come along. How did we get shifted from the focus on relationship to the focus on the kids? Well, one, I guess a lot of kids will.

I’m sorry, not kids. The parents will kind of idolize those kids, right? And they end up putting him in programs and activities and all those things, like, Okay, let’s just makes you think I e no, I don’t know when it happened, but here’s what happened. We got in our minds somewhere along the way that our love means we got to keep him happy all the time. Way think is making them happy is really making them. Ethan Couch. Remember that kid? You just came to have a little case of affluenza not feeling so well that you know, here’s the crazy thing.

That idea of affluence has been around for a long time. He was the one that going that way Thing tell me. Thought this was the kid in Texas somewhere. I think the accident was. Anyway, this kid was 16 years old. Him and somebody stole beer from a liquor store. They drank, they got drunk, he jumped in a car and he ended up running into and killing four teenagers. And one of the people in his car think I paralyzed. And his defense when he went to trial was affluenza, which basically means because he had so much privilege.

He has parents, has so much money and all that kind of stuff. He was not acquit to really understand the implications of his own decisions. Yeah, There you go. That’s what was wrong with me with my beat up Oldsmobile in high school. That was a what kind of work on excuses I’m like. Where’s the poverty fluids, right. Where’s that? Where I’m so poor. I just don’t understand the consequences of having to steal food. Well, that’s the crazy thing. It worked. I don’t know what happened. Well, first of all, um, it’s just this is stupid beyond stupider eso While the trial, he’s out on parole in all that kind stuff, but obviously with his parole, he can’t be drinking anyway.

So then because we have cell phones these days Ah, cell phone video footage arises of him at a party where people were drinking, right? Not clearly not learned from killing people. He’s drinking at a party so that him and his mom flee to Mexico and they authorities find them with deferred. They look different. They changed their look, dyed the hair, got rid of their ideas. But they found yeah, port of iron. Mom. Still, I think going to try. He’s been He was. He went to prison for, like, two years.

720 days. Wow. Now he has parole Where you can’t drive. You can’t drink some stuff like that. You know how many people forward? Four kids dead, and now him a 21 is released. The moving always like, I think, is Mom still up for trial for like, preventing him being brought in, whatever that is obstruction of bringing it or something that’s not the technical term clearly, but right. So it’s not enough that you that you’re backing them kind of when he does the whole of a fluid thing, killing four teenage.

But now you’re helping of sneak to Mexico. Yeah. Wow, another level. And then once you start looking beyond that, then like dad’s getting arrested for some domestic, I mean, the whole families clearly a mess. But the point is, they’ve so prioritized kids that we’ve decided we don’t hold him responsible for actions anymore. Well, I don’t need to run down the whole path of everybody gets a trophy. Now, why are we teaching kids? You get retakes on test. I mean, we could go down society as a whole.

I think is saying we don’t want these poor little kids to feel bad about themselves. And now look at our rates of anxiety and depression. Everything else they don’t handle anything. People don’t know how to push through stuff right and work through and trying to achieve something. Yeah, you know, I get it. I’m just just about Let’s just just think about like the news headlines that you’ve seen where parents are out of line on behalf of their kids. Like you see, the the dad trying to fight the ref, right?

Cause he cried a strikeout or so. What else do you see? Oh, I mean, yeah, just in any of that. I mean, you got parents fighting the football games and all that because little Johnny is not getting to play, or I mean, come on, my boy should be in the game coaching always the best. One example. Johnny sucks. And I remember even being young cheerleading, uh, we’re in Texas, you know? So when you have the cheerleading tryouts, right, and you have all those cheer moms that are like, OK, this is what you need to do to make it.

And if they don’t make it? Oh, So I feel sorry for the cheer coaches when they’re girls, do not make the squad. So in that case, is a really parenting about your daughter. Or is it? You really are living through your daughter and you’re making it about you, you know, be all in limbo. But cheer Mom should literally be a psychological diagnosis. Are you interested? Competitive cheer for a number of years. That’s a whole different ballgame. It is. I guess you probably You watched enough, honey. Boo boo.

You know, Mom, I have a friend whose daughter was very heavily involved in the pageants in the pageant world and we went toe one pageant. That’s like a one day affair, like in a hotel conference room. And it’s just Oh my goodness now seven year old or younger even, you know? Okay, makeup, hair. Let’s change the outfit. Let’s do this. Okay. Keep you know when it’s just like, Well, these kids can’t even be kids like Oh, my goodness is just crazy Just how much these parents will want to try to live through their kids so heavily.

It’s just, I don’t know. I feel bad for them. Yeah, it is bad. I mean, like a mug. In my case, like, you know, we have talked about on this before with my marriage, one of the big problems with my ex. And I think really, there were some issues that I think she was just trying to avoid, but she became like friends with my daughter’s friends. Like to the point of way too much. I mean, where you’re chatting all the time online. You’re hanging out with him when my girls aren’t there.

It’s a whole different. But I think did this underlying thing. There’s this. I don’t know where their it self esteem whether whatever this, him self esteem issues or what that you’re trying to push away. So you’re living through your kids or your trying toe to cover up some hurt that’s there. I don’t know what the answer is to that, but yeah, yeah, and I actually, as you are talking, I’m thinking of something else. It’s kind of like a lifetime movie. And let me tell you why it always ends up dead in the know.

Still, in the work of a lifetime, it’s still huge. Lim says All of the movies are the same where the husband is like a week and not really there was a woman on network. It’s like when I think back to when I was younger and we did have moms like what you’re describing, where we have the moms that were always in the slumber party, a part of the conversations, you know, you have some of those moms and then I’m thinking, like, where was the dad? Yeah, he was chillin in the battles of the that was doing what he was supposed to be doing hanging out with adults.

I get it, But But the thing what? Why? Why is he not setting. And I’m not trying to blame the guy completely because it’s a woman own TV that we’re not going to realize why. Why doesn’t he set that tone? Like, why? What’s what’s missing there for her to feel like you’re speaking for the I enjoyed that time away. All right? Yeah. Good talk about moms now that are walking around with juicy on the back of the pants. Right kind of juicio juicy. That was last decade.

Wait with my juicy Yeah, they’re run around with Benetton. Yeah. No, really. Swatches? No, That was a different decades. All right. In my skin. Yes. So it’s a way we can let we can let all the all the sports moms and dads who unless I’m a let you off the hook right now, your kid ain’t going pro, right, Exoo percent, 2% of high school athletes actually go to college in 2% of college athletes. Actually makes some professionally so you can relax. You could get some of your club sport money.

You want vacations, and you can look at your own family and no, Does my kid have pro genetics or not? It’s not too hard to look that a lot of people playing pros have parents who had the genetics for pro. So if you look around your family and their accountants and lawyers, you’re kidding going pro. So I just let you off the hook. You’re welcome. Yeah, they go. You’re also welcoming. It’s not any different than the American Idol moms. And like, Baby, you sound so good. Get up there And the trainer, right?

Well, what do you doing long term, though? I mean, you know well, you know, you had a good run with his first debut out Smooth Second Show Your Singing Way last week of William Hung This reality. Come on, I got a career that’s that American Idol talked about kids being idols. I think another thing that happens sometimes when we get our priorities off is, ah, husband and wife, where they’re not meeting each other’s emotional needs and they’re not connected. I think it’s easy for a parent to turn to the kids to get their emotional needs met, and it may not be that the kids necessarily an idol, but now they they’ve misappropriated the role of parent, and it’s like, right, I’m getting what I want from my spouse.

From my kid as faras, the emotional, the need, right? The kids need me. My spouse doesn’t need me. The kids need me. And I think sometimes if we’re not even paying attention, we could make that shift as parents. If you guys experience that, I do know somebody that yeah, that was actually had a bad relationship. Not great leadership with her husband at the time. And she so she heard her daughter Song. I heard they hung out they with the movies. And so it spent all the time with the daughter, which is great and in the mind of the of the mother at the time.

It’s like I’m just I’m just there for my daughter. Yeah, for now, fast forward to now that relationships God, she’s in the marriage also. But now you fast forward to a doctor that’s going that that’s looking at Mom and mobs in a new relationship and she spending time with her husband. Now you’ve got a daughter. Go Wait a minute. Where did mom go? Way We’re spending all this time together, and now And so it created this whole other issue of of a kid filling like I way I lost Mom there for a second.

So yeah, I mean, you know, we gotta think fast forward a little bit hard one if you’re not honest with your motives because, right, the husband could be like, Hey, you know, you’re spending all this time with the kids and not me. And I think it’s easy to go. Well, that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m a good mom. I’m engaged and start listening. All these other moms who are not engaged and it’s not healthy. So if you’re not honest with your motives, I think it’s easy toe get sideways on that.

It is easy. Yeah, And I think maybe you can get caught up in that without even realizing you’re getting caught up in it. And but But you have taken that time to realize you’re being real with yourself of I’m in a bad relationship. Maybe I need to work on that, right? Yeah, that’s a definite start. So, yeah, there’s a lot of that out there I was gonna say, and that kind of sounds familiar. So what? I’ve seen, you know, in my family like and I’m not been not even just parents.

But I feel like that whole generation of the people around my parents ages where you put so much into your kids that you forget how to be together. You know, it’s more of your trying to do the best you can for your kids, and you kind of forget about each other. And I gotta stop that. Now that I think about all of those people in that generation in my family, that’s kind of the norm. You know, you just kind of because it’s not really idolizing your kids, But you just feel like Okay, let me just make sure that they have everything they need. Okay?

They have this going on. That going on. Okay, let’s do that. And then there’s really no time for each other and just, you know, to the normal side note you’re teaching your kids to act the same way when they get married. Boy. Yeah, that is true. I think you do have to ask yourself that question at some point is a married couple. What? What do you want? A model? What your kids see parents who aren’t getting along unhappy at some point, they’re gonna be like bears. Looks like it sucks.

Yeah, I’m not gonna be about that. And then there priority’s gonna be and we don’t have time to run down this route. But look at all the Kardashians there. They’re pretty well without saying it explicitly there implicitly modeling for a whole generation of young girls. Oh, yeah. Having two kids the priority. Not so much the husband if I confined me a guy who can help me create kids. And now I think obviously we talked about Kim and Kanye seem to be doing it right. But you look at the other one.

Seems like the priority is babies, kids, babies, kids, babies, kids on. I think I think you’re creating a mess for the next generation to go. The priority is no longer the husband, wife and the family unit. The priority is have a bunch of kids and hang out with your sisters and not everybody’s. All were 60 million apiece and can run like they run. Right? So what? What is the truth? What is the word? Say this ship. The word, the word. Don’t say nothing about that. Use your head and you don’t need word for that, I think.

Practically speaking, what are some things you do if you’re a couple listening? And you realized that the kids either on purpose or inadvertently, have become the priority. The question is, how do you course correct and say we’re gonna prioritize the marriage? Because when we prioritize the marriage, the family is gonna be stronger. What are some things you guys do to make sure that your marriage is a priority? Not your kids. I think it’s all about focused, man. I mean, you said it earlier that you’ve got to get real with yourself sometimes, and I just week out apart.

I know in our marriage we prioritize. We talked about this before. We prioritized time where it’s quiet time. Our back porches are sanctuary. So we go out on the back porch where there’s no interruptions. And, you know, we just get Really? So you’re gonna have those real moments? Um, I think and we got it. We got to quit getting sucked into society telling this. Our kids got to be happy all the time. Sometimes they don’t need to be happy. And it’s okay. Yep. And they can get off there and have some called date night.

Whatever you want to call it some specific time to be alone. Absolutely. What do we have date, day and date night? Any time we can write Were in that season where we don’t have ah assigned day or night. It’s just whenever we could do it. And honestly, after we went through a dark period and almost didn’t make it and then came back, it was like, We want to be better than we ever thought we could be. And now we’re best friends, and we don’t want anything to break that up or come in between that because we have that moment where we almost didn’t make it.

So then that kind of that brought us to reality. Todo coordinated. Gonna be okay. Is a couple that communicates. You gotta be okay, because at times you have to call out the others fouls of Hey, this is this is how you’re coming across the little Jimmy. Uh, this is what we’re teaching our kids. So you gotta be okay to hear that from your spouse, right? So I think that’s good. I think part of that you’re saying on the front end this would be ideal if he did it before you had kids, right?

Here’s our parenting plan. Their years, our decisions on chores, rules, consequences, discipline, all that kind of stuff. You got to be on the same page. But I think if you’re out there with little kids, it’s easy to go. Oh, well, you know, they just listen. It’s okay to have a bedtime for your kid and stick to it. Yeah. There bedtime is your free time. Uh, parents quit having your kids sleeping in your room. You are in your on it. If they’re sick, I get it. But the rest of the time, they can have their own dry.

Yeah, I can be alone. My kid doesn’t want to take a nap. That’s fine. Then you teach him that your kid has in his room time. Quiet here, Read. He can sleep right. Do whatever does not destructive. So I have some free time. It’s OK to have some boundaries and rules for your kids. So they thrive. Definitely. That’s it. Well said, man. Thank you all so much for this show. This is Toya with The RelationShop. With me, I have Jason and Eric and oh, yes. If you have any questions for us, send them on to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. Thank you.

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