[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Have Fun in Marriage (Episode #11)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we expose reality shows and provide couples with real relationship advice. I’m Toya and I have Jason Bubbles. The eggplant. Why wait? You have no idea what I’m talking about. You need to check out the last show. Yeah, definitely. Check that. All right, we got he got a question that just so you know, our producer, he fires these in, like, right as we’re starting, so we don’t have any idea with no acting. So last week, No, no preparation. They’re saying, Hey, give us the question.

Nobody looks at us and laughs and says way the intro and text it to Jason. So the poor question that we have before that was right on the way. Right. Here we go. Here we go. This is from Shaniqua from Lewisville. All right, I got my husband works too hard at his job. When he gets home, he’s exhausted because his job is demanding. We want to look for a new job, but he makes good money. We have three kids. How can we have a better work? Life balance.

Okay, that’s a little bit better than the porn. Yeah. What do you mean, by better, You know, everything. That was Kevin’s big issue last time through this time. What? You all right? So better work. Life balance. Um, sit down with your husband and look at your schedules. Um, see, exactly when is the best time for you to do something? How’s your community looking House? Childcare looking? How maney activities are your kids in? Um, so I would say sit down and talk about all of that and figure out how you can schedule some type of.

Because the question is about fun time. Russians. We have three kids. Have we have a better work? Life working. I mean, we’re work like bounce because he comes home exhausted all the time for this job. So demanding. Yeah, so it’s really then it sounds like it’s more of his job. So then figure out what days is he able to kind of get off in a timely manner? And that’s happening. But understand, I don’t know that there is a real true work. Life balance is just the season that you’re in.

So how long is this gonna be? You know, like especially with kids and his job, your job. So it’s a lot of factors. It’s factors, I mean. And sometimes I understand. Believe me, I understand the money. But sometimes you know what I mean. Sometimes it’s time to move on, right? I mean, it depends what exhausted me is he if he’s coming home so exhausted that he is just out and he’s not present, you know, mentally, emotionally or whatever. Sometimes that ain’t worth the money. So I what is exhausted, how exhausted, our way I get all comes down.

Two things, one we talked about in earlier show values. What are their values? What, Where did they see themselves? Because that helps make decisions. And then everything in life’s an opportunity cost. You know, if if you get a, then you probably can’t do be so. If, for instance, if I want my kids to be in a bunch of sports and activities, then I probably don’t get dinner around the table because we’re running. Everything is an opportunity. Got so at the end of the day, I think Shaniqua and her husband have to ask, What do they value most?

Yeah, what do they want in their lives and what are they willing to give up? So that you can always cut expenses in all kinds of places where you live. Uh, what you spend money on, where you put your time. And so I think the two of them getting on the same page about where we trying to get Toya mentioned a season. This may be a season if we’re saving money for a different season. If not, if we say we don’t value the home we’re in, we’ll go live in something smaller and cheaper because we want more time together.

And I think at the end of the day, part of it is time management. I would always start back a little bit on time management and work my way towards. He works too much. He’s tired because you could do a lot of stuff in a small amount of time. If you’re intentional and you manage time, well, that’s why it’s start for Shaniqua. What do you guys value? Where you trying to go on, where you trying to get and then what are you willing to give up if he takes a job with more time at home?

But less money? What are you willing to give up to get it right. Good way to check your loyalties, Right? Hard is right. You know, if anyone has any other questions, send those to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com or download the APP Power 77 Radio. Well, today we’re going to jump into a topic that should be fun, because it’s about fun in marriage. Here’s the reality of our This is why this is why dating is a failed set up for marriage when we’re dating, the reason we’re dating somebody is because it’s fun.

Yeah, because they’re making me feel good about me, and I’m making them feel good about them. And this is just enjoyable, right? I do not know of a person yet. They may be out there, and if they are, they’re probably a C p A or an engineer. But I don’t know anybody out there who says it’s time for me to get married. I’m looking for somebody that I can pay bills with that I can say for the future. With that, I can argue about disciplining my kids with, and then we can have what I want to call a very organized, structured, logistical mechanical relationship.

That’s what I’m looking for? Yeah, we’re having fun. Yeah. On what happens is we learn how to have fun. Then we end up in marriage on oftentimes, because of the nature of marriage, it’s not always fun. And then we find ourselves in a situation where we become roommates. All our conversations or logistical. So that’s what we’re talking about today. Fun in marriage. How do you protect it? How do you guard it? How do you make sure that we’re intentional about it? And how do you keep that?

The reason many people got married, Aziz. One of the things were experiencing in marriage, right? Yeah. I got a few examples for that today. Every one of their shows. Okay? All love them. All the cuts. Probably all of us at one point, right? Oh, yeah. Definitely. Clearly. Got married for spiritual motivation of that. So that account stuff, you have to go. That was really you. You got married. I know nothing about accounting for engineering. Yeah. All right. It’s not so I call on Friday night for a fun time.

Not those guys. All right, way talking about the day. All right. On 90 day, fiance, The fun couple Kulti have she and Larissa? So he is the American that lives in Las Vegas with his mom. And she is fun with your mom. Hey, you want to come over and play spades with me and my mom? No, no, no, wait. Not just living. I just live with Mom. Not just live with Mom. Shares a car with Ma. They drive the work together. They have lunch. Do they thes shows?

Area set up. How do you find? Come on. I don’t know, man. Yeah, His name is multi. No, no, no. It’s called because of her accent. She calls him cold. You watch the show, you know, because she’s from Brazil. So in Lorises from Brazil. And so she you know, she moved here. They got married and she’s just like, you know, he promised her the world like they all do, you know, promising somebody else the world in America. So they moved here, and she’s just like, Oh, this is gonna be fun.

I would get the travel, go to New York beat, go to California, shot a stay home wife it enjoy the American life when he set that up a little bit because where they may that Brazil writers ill they met and he was online. They met online, though, but But yes, but they were. They met the first time. I think they were. They were on, like, a resort type thing in a pool. You know, it’s the whole my type thing going on. And so he set that up to make him. Yeah.

Look, like, you know, he was a player. And then, yes, he was a player in Brazil. He’s Kulti in Las Vegas, so even invention. Living with his mom, sharing a car with his mother on the front, a baby. She knew about it. But she probably thought that when she moved here, they would get their own house, you know, because he’s just like, you know, my dad. I have a car to drive if he moves out with his long, you know? No, There was. There was There was a positive at the end of the show.

Him and his mom got a new car together because because their car did not hair loss, no air in the car. Yeah. Yeah. So you start a A. So that’s that, um, she you know, and that’s obvious. So she wanted to have fun and didn’t really know the reality. And that’s because he did a bait and switch on her. And so here’s what I wanted. Yeah, let’s talk about Bill and breathe from marrying millions. Because my question, my question is, with that every day is a vacation for Bree.

I mean, the man’s a multi millionaire. Yeah, I’ll marry that. That sounds like fun. You get I’ll marry millions. Okay, well, bills probably available now. Hey, bubbles and making a call for you. Yeah. So I got to give my thought bag now. Okay, so here we go. So So, yes. So where does reality marriage reality? Like, you know, we have grown in our marriages because of life, Right? Right. Go together and all that. Every day is a vacation she’s not gonna have to deal with with life.

So So how healthy is that married really gonna be? That’s my questions. It won’t be because to, you know, and I don’t know if you remember one of those episodes where she went out with new friends in Miami and I didn’t like that at all. So really, he wants a trophy wife at home, so it’s not really going to be You know what? She gets to enjoy his riches with him, but without him, she needs to be a home. Alright, Eric. So just to refresh your memory on this because I know you’re gonna love this Bill and Bree, Bill is the guy that that bree is his fourth wife.

Is that right? Yeah. They They were not married, their eyes going potentially going to be the fourth wife. But But this is the one where he called his ex wife in to have a chat with with his potential new wife on. She just trashed him the whole time. We talked about that on one of our other show, Bill Bill’s an idiot bills and any Why would you bring in someone who left you to be your like sponsor? And it didn’t go. It didn’t go well. So yeah, you know, that’s Bill Embry.

But that’s the question we’ll see. So I think the problem is, then what you’re saying is all of these shows. So let’s just look at every show across TV right now. You got things like the bachelor bachelor in Paradise, the bachelor. It you got all these shows where the setting is the best place in the world, right? All these Superfund days, all the stuff that you can’t do normal right as the set up for like Like who’s not gonna fall in love? Uh huh. All right. Yeah.

You know, settings And in. So they got so much fun. Then they come back to reality, and we wonder why we can’t. We can’t make any of these things work because the set up is a check out all this fun that you’ll never be able to reproduce right and then add to not having this kind of fun having a bunch of stuff that’s hard work. What? You can work the other way right as well, where you come back and you’re so all about life that you forget to have fun again.

Yeah, there’s that. So how do you know that’s probably the big question. The And if the reason most people got married waas the companionship fun that I make you feel good. You make me feel good. And then we get married. In life hits, kids come along. Jobs, mortgages, bills. There’s a business. So I like to say it this way. Our marriage is air like a mullet. This be good business up top party in the back at you. But we all got married for the party, right? Right. But the business of marriage takes over because there is business aspects to it.

All right, so then the question becomes, How do you keep the our mullet party going while still doing the biz? Because I know other couples who Onley seemed to get along real well when they’re on vacation. And when they’re back to everyday life, they fight. They argue they can’t make it work. So their solution is Let’s go on vacations often, right? It doesn’t. That’s fun. Who doesn’t have fun on vacation? I have fun on vacation because I’m not gonna address reality Fight with you on a vacation.

This is a blast we find when we get home. I’m gonna spend money I don’t have on my credit card and we can figure out how to pay it off when I get back. You got all those pieces, So I think that’s the question. How do you not that the business side of your marriage overtake the fun side to your marriage. What do you guys do? You do anything intentionally? Does it just happen Because you are also fun loving? Yeah, I think with us. And that’s just kind of Ah, you know, for with what you said there’s there probably mawr couples than not that go on vacation because they don’t fight and they get along better.

So to me, when fund becomes an escape, there might be an issue Like for us. We just enjoy being together. We enjoyed being again, no matter what we’re doing. If we’re sitting out on the back porch is chilling. We’re having fun. If we’re on vacation, we’re having. But we just enjoy being together. So So yeah, so having fun. So we do have intentional Thursday night nights where we go out, we do whatever. Usually it’s just dinner, whatever. But we make sure every Thursday is our night that we plug in front.

We don’t do anything else. We catch up on our 90 day fiance show. Okay? Yeah. So that’s what does your Thursday night get interrupted a lot, Or do you guard that now? I protected you today, so it’s not my 90 day. So then your Thursday night is not like life group that gets in. Just set me up that I didn’t see that coming. I mean, I was Dragon that lure across jumping jumped on that. You just busted my bubble way. All right, So So So before the record on that, I brought a a, you know, peace offering of a lasagna.

Last one. And there was no Eric there. You just so you know, my car broke down. That’s what happened for my last six times. Like your last six times. Yeah, that’s funny, because I keep seeing you on Instagram in different places and somehow ended up in Arkansas. Okay. Like building my relationship, Having fun with my wife? Oh, yeah. Thursday. Not Sunday. All right. All right. About you do it. Uh, man, you know what? It’s it’s more of. I like to do things that I know is going to make him happy because I know he’ll do things that makes me happy.

So, like you already know, we talked about you don’t just do things to make him happy, because yourself list, it’s so that helpfully, he’ll do things reciprocal, Way twisted. You know, it’s your turn to take some bait. Jason. I’m not toasting. I’m repeating what was said back me up, way dancing. So it’s not so that he will do something is really more of its. Just like I love saying, I’m happy. That’s good. I like that. It’s more of okay. Like, for instance, you already don’t know about Star Wars, right?

Todo how I washed all of those with him. So and he loved that. It was just so cool to see him happy. And another thing that that I did cause we love movies is, um, I got all the James Bond’s and this was years ago. And, like, we sat and watched every single James Bond because I wasn’t really Who was your favorite James Bond? Or do you know who? Come on? Mods favorite James Bond was one good one. Who do you say Sean Connery, man? Okay, I’m going.

Connery that that’s his favorite. Yeah. Yeah. I thought Roger Moore did pretty good. He’s $200 fan, but yeah, and but But what about the new guy? What’s is the blond one’s eyes? All right, Daniel Craig, Daniel car. All right? Yeah. China just had the swag. Everything everything. Connery says. Menu, that accident. You’re like, I want everything on there. I’m not a true fan because I would choose Pierce. Oh, yeah, you know, tears Bras. Only because that’s when I knew of Bond. Way Watch. We interrupted you Star Wars than all the James Bond James Bond.

And then, of course, scifi stuff. Anything like that. Anything of oh, zombies, You know, zombies, movies, fun like things, flesh. So but it’s just knowing what his interest is. And then I’m just like, Hey, that’s we’re gonna do Oh, like what else? He loves arty things. So museums, you know, like artsy films will stop you right there. I’m hearing what What? He likes what he likes. What? What does he do with that? You look Oh, well, he no, he does everything I like. So I’m simple. So I’m just like, Hey, let’s just sit up, watch a movie.

If we don’t have a sitter, let’s just watch him. But let’s watch a chick flick like you’re right. So I mean anything like they want to remember. No, but let’s go like and you know, if he cooks for me, you know I’m happy if he cleans, you know, Then I’m happy. So making me feel like a crappy husband. I’m glad he’s not on the show. I don’t wanna hear all His racket s so great. So you do things that you know your spouse enjoys. Yeah. Maintains the fund for you.

I love that. Yeah, and I love surprises, and he knows that. So whatever I’m I’m easy. Just do something to make an effort. I’m gonna throw out an example that we had kind on the other side of That s so Yeah. In 2015 with my office, I had an office fire and lost everything, right? Eso When the insurance kicked in, I didn’t realize it was a great surprise that they paid seven months of my salary. So I had a seven month vacation that we got to do. So we went degrees we get way that we had hadn’t been able to do.

What that started doing is we were on vacation for seven months, so it actually made riel life more stressful. It made yes. So it has the stress of real life because we’re vacated way had that vacation time. So too much vacation can be a bad thing. Yeah, I don’t agree. Yeah, that’s a thing. I think One of the keys You gotta know your season. But you’ve also got a separate. So as I said before, if you think about the marriage bullet, you got the business side and the fun side. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you don’t separate the business from the front and be intentional in both, I promise you the business takes over eso the the world’s greatest financial guru, Dave Ramsey. He says this about a budget. You got to tell your money where to go. Yeah. If you don’t tell your money where to go, then it just goes, Yeah, I would say the same thing about marriage. You’ve got to tell the business side of it where to go, and then you gotta tell the fun side of it where to go.

And this is where couples get stuck at times because we have a mindset from a dating that fun. Things just happen spontaneously, right? And if they’re not happening spontaneously, we have to be super intentional about him. Then something’s wrong with our relationship Now they he should just want to talk to me. We should just spontaneously have sex every time we should. Both look each other the exact same time with the exact same energy and desire, and it should just happen. But I would say so. I would present two thoughts on this and that’s date nights and business meetings today, nights and staff meeting.

All right, so what about So that’s my question. Where’s the bounce like, should we be one night a week business meeting? And then we just try to have more fun. Are we have to get depends on your season, your personality and what you got going on? Yeah, I would say a simple What about this? So if we got couples listening and you’re not having fun in marriage practically this next week, here’s what I would say to Dio. Won’t you pick a night that is your staff meeting?

Let’s just say Sundays at seven. All right, that’s when we’re free. Or maybe Sundays at 8 30 Little kids are in bed. We have a staff meeting in that staff mean we’re going to sit down and we’re talking about the logistical things for the upcoming week. If we if we’re trying to get on a budget. Maybe that’s the time we talk about finances Toya shared about her and Ahmad going through that season. That would have been the time once a week. How we doing on our budget? How you doing?

Where we at your checking in on that? You’re checking in? Who’s who’s got doctor’s appointments this week? Who’s helping Johnny with his science project? The teachers make you do that. We spend five hours and 70 bucks on for our kids. That’s a whole another show I won’t go into. Um, but you’re talking about all these things. And then if you’re trying to work on an area of your marriage, that’s the time to ask for feedback. Hey, I know you’ve been wanting me to be more affectionate or more attentive.

How did I do this week? Because it always feels better, too. Get feedback when you ask for it, then when they just nail you with it, right, right, right. So that staff meeting and we’re checking in. And then I would say, you know, pick at least one night, maybe two nights, Journal week and say, Tuesday and Thursday. These are fun nights, and so on these nights and it doesn’t have to be a big deal. I’m not talking about everybody’s in a different season like my wife and I under this season now where our youngest is 15.

So when we want a date night, we just look at them and go find something. The pantry and me and my wife go to our favorite food spot. We sit on the porch and we enjoy dinner together. We have the luxury of doing that. When the kids were young, you can’t do that right? So when the kids were young, we did different stuff. For instance, there was the season where they were all young and we’d get him into bed, and then we had a couple board games under our bed.

We had, like, backgammon or Monk, Allah, that little stone game. And so we just pull that out in the bed. And while we’re laying in bed, we play a little game at night. It’s just connection. It’s just fun. It’s hanging out. She get mad at me because I’m competitive, so I’m actually trying to win. She’s like we quit counting rocks and gets a point of the game, you know. But the point was, we were connecting. And so you may say, Hey, husband, you get to determine what we do Tuesday and I wife you get to terminate.

We do Thursday night. But the rules are we are not talking business. Yeah, it does not happen. So what you’re saying now is is a kids go take care himself because Mom was about to see White Delight bus down. That’s what I’m talking about, right, mom? Door on the red light. Not a red light, e. I think so. I think the idea is you tell business where to go. So it’s not interrupting our fun nights. And I tell fun where to go. Not expecting that. It’s just going to spontaneously happen, right?

And I would say that for any aspect of your relationship communication, remember, when you’re dating, you talk about stupid stuff toe like two in the morning. Even people who are not phone people are like we used to talk to what we talk about Nothing. Yeah, right. But you’re connecting with emotional intimacy, cause, like, who do you hate it? Work, Susie? Stupid. Hey, who’s you know I can’t stand Your cousin Johnny did it and you’re having these conversations that air neutral for the relationship because we’re talking about something else on were just connecting.

So I would say be part of the fun and relationship is intentionally setting aside time to do fun stuff and connect. And And if you don’t set aside time for the business I promised, the business is gonna creep in. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. So that’s how we do it. I don’t know if that that works for you, but the Bible even let me read you some scriptures because sometimes people don’t think the Bible says anything about fun. I found out about this little book right after Ecclesiastes.

These I mean, you just read some. They’re just talking to each other. Like this one. Here is the bride. Let the let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embraced me. That seems like fun. Then she says my beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag E. I mean, to me that seems, you know, my wife. Not this week, but last week. Like big stag? Yeah. Like that. Is that what you were doing your cruise for? I was stomping I was doing, It was like, Yeah, listen, this a season, I’m in a rush, I said So here’s another one.

Chapter forces. How beautiful you are, my darling. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. That seems fund on it. That kind of stuff. Your two breasts are like to fonds twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies. I mean that that may be your date night. Get out The song of Solomon and Rio Each other. Yeah, you’re being Biblical s. So if you have your pastor asked, you hate You’re getting water this week. We’ve been in the world all week, Pastor. I’m not just rich.

Hey, baby show gazelle. Yeah, neck like a tower. I mean, I don’t know how that, but whatever is in there, the scripture tells us we need to have fun. All right? Yeah, it’s in there. Who would have thought? Ok, you know, to me, the key toe having fun is not spontaneity. The key toe having fun is intentionality and prioritizing the things that they were going to keep you together. So for us, it’s been different in different seasons, like I said, and ah, you know I know when you have an empty nest that’s a different season when you have, like Shinnick was questioned on the front end of my husband comes home.

He’s exhausted now. If there never having fun, here’s what I would say until he can find a new job. What can you do it the home so that when he walks in the door may not be every night but picking night when he walks in the door, the kids air settled or in bed. You know, you’ve got something out for him to kind of calm down and relax and then you’ve got a time together where you’re gonna say, we’re gonna hang out, We’re gonna talk, whatever that’s that.

But you definitely can’t pass up the good vacant. You gotta have the good thing. That’s it’s a good connecting time. I agree, but but some people are financially a place where they can afford a vacation. But you can create vacation. I hear what I said, which is Hey, Tuesday, Thursday are fun night. It’s like a vacation. And sometimes for those couples who feel like they’re in a season of Onley problem solving, I feel like we’re always trying to figure out how to communicate better, how to resolve conflict.

It can get exhausting on. And I think some of those couples can say, Let’s call it Let’s call a truce for the week way. No, We have issues. We know they’re not going away. But But this week, let’s act like it’s a vacation at home. Anything that we don’t have to solve this week. Let’s table till next week. And let’s just focus on him. When we come home, I’m gonna enjoy you. How you doing? What can we do to hang out? What’s going on? Something you can create vacay.

You can create date night. And if you don’t have the finances or ability to go anywhere, everything you’re saying sounds intentional. Which says, I mean, I think the intentional your book, you know? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Yeah, it’ll bless you and change your life, bro. And no. Yeah, And a story in there about Jason. That wasn’t necessarily That was I don’t read in that I worry about with your books. That story about Jason Life Group might have been you. Yeah, you just did that so I wouldn’t get some kickback.

No commission for joining us on The RelationShop again. I’m Toya and signing off with Jason way. Eric. Why the light? Yeah, that was fun. This week, people.

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