[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Set Boundaries and Trust (Episode #9)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we talk about these relationship shows. We analyze them, expect them and stuff them and hope to help you. Toya and with me, I have Eric and Jason back in the house. So we have another listener question. Good, right? Right, right. People trusting this, huh? All right, So this listener asked, How do you lead your family when your spouse is dominant? Jason Creaking with. That’s a tough one. That’s a good question. That is a tough one. This is the age old I love that my spouse is a go getter and dominant, and that’s why I want to marry him.

And then I marry him. It’s like I don’t love it. You get all the time. Yeah, yeah. Is there a good answer to this one thing? There are some different concepts and principles. Look at right. So here’s the thing to get it. If the person is done sometimes it’s a strictly personality deal, right? Dominant personality. They have always been a driver their whole life. They think they see the future. They want to go. Go, go. What? You should know that going in. You should know. Hopefully they stuff around that and and that is what it is, right.

But then there’s some other concepts to think about. So if that’s the case, then you know it is how they’re wired. And I think good communication, the healthy relationship you at times can talk about, Hey, be great for you to tone it back and do some things. But I think there are other drivers to dominance, and sometimes it might be a fear driven dominance or control. Some people want to control and want to dominate, because there’s a deep rooted fear that’s driving this. They’re afraid of experiencing fill in the blank, this pain, this disappointment, whatever might be.

And so I’m controlling to avoid the pain. That may be a different approach. So I think if somebody is asking, Hey, man, my wife’s dominant was going on. I may want to say, Have you dug into what’s your greatest fears? Do you know what? Have you ever asked her? Because it maybe, if you can provide some security for her, if you can assure her that our greatest fears, they’re not gonna occur, then she may be willing to step down off that dominance of what’s going on. And so I think, trying to figure out the personality driven or pain driven right and those will require different approaches.

I mean, you address that pain issue and you’re solving a lot of problems. Oh, absolutely, absolutely, already know the source of it. And so when I know she begins to be dominant, I can go to the source of pain, try to alleviate the pain, and then we can have a better discussion then, because if I try to prevent her attempts at covering the pain herself, I’m gonna get fought all the time on because you know, most of fear experience that pain. So I think that’s probably how would answer that is a personality driven.

Can you have some constant conversations around it? It is pain driven. You need to dig in and figure out what the real fear is behind it. If you can alleviate that, I think you can have some better discussions round, and I might add one more expectations. So, like I know I grew up, my mom would always tell me if you want something done, do it yourself and so dating someone. It’s just like, well, if I want it done my way. And I don’t want to be unhappy about the outcome.

Then let me just do it. Let me just do it. And that mess, Mia. So But anyway, so I think, like getting your expectations right? Just knowing when you are married in a relationship like you need to be okay, which that goes along with the mutual, um, submission that we talked about last time is just having that foundation and Christ so that you could just have that piece and be okay. Like you can let go a little bit and let your spouse do things, and you’ll be OK with their outcome, you know?

And you it doesn’t have to be your way. Your timing. Yes. That girl preach. Yeah, right. There’s just going back to pain. That may be out of a pain moment in her life where I, if you want, don’t depend on people, because people from my experience have failed me. And I don’t want you to feel the same pain. So he had a little truth that you can operate exactly. So, yeah. So pain versus personality versus past experience and the beliefs that we come out of it. Those are all great ideas when trying to lead somebody who is dominant.

Which brings us to today’s topic. Will talk today about boundaries and trust is Sochi. We could do probably 57 different episodes on boundaries and trust. But do this one and let me start us out with a triangle that is foundational for understanding, boundaries and trust. And then we’ll go down the rabbit hole of the cess pool of TV shows. Guys, even so, here’s the guy you know. That’s a shot. I don’t care. You’re sitting there with a pen and paper in your hand Today, I want you to draw a triangle.

If not, do it in your mind. Draw little triangle and at each one of the corners, I want you to put these three words freedom, responsibility and love. And for those of you who are anal unorganized, it don’t matter which corner and put which on its not like freedom has to go in the top one. So freedom, responsibility and love. This is This is the foundation for understanding, boundaries and trust, and it goes back to God’s foundation, which is freedom. God has given us the freedom to respond to others.

And to him, however we want. That’s what happened in gardening, and I’ve had lots conversations with people over the years. Probably you have to say, Why did God let Adam and Eve choose if he knew they were going to choose to sin? Because without freedom, then there is no such thing. Is love right? The other one. So freedom God’s given us the freedom to respond to him and others in however we want. We have the freedom. The 2nd 1 is responsibility and boundaries help us to identify who’s responsible for what in the relationship.

So boundaries help me identify where my responsibility starts and ends and where the other person’s responsibility starts and ends. And in the third category is love because we are free from the other person, meaning I’m not controlled by my wife, right. We both have freedom because we’re free from the other person. Now I am free to love the other person if I want by my own choice. So whenever you think about boundaries in trust, the foundation of it is this triangle of freedom. I can choose what I want and the other person can choose responsibility.

I have things I’m responsible for. They have things they’re responsible for. And if freedom and responsibility are operating, well, then that’s an atmosphere where love can flourish. Because I got to be free to choose to love you or not. That’s the foundation. When you look atyou, Guiza’s favorite shows shows that inform your beliefs that drive your lives, Mariah. Happiness, fulfillment. Exactly how did they do boundaries on their shows? Because the fact that there are so many tell me they got no boundaries. But you tell me. Wow. What?

Who do you start with? Right? I was actually gonna talk about Caesar and Maria. So Cesar, um he was I can’t remember. Anyway, he is a nail technician here in the States, and his girlfriend’s name is Maria. And she Yeah, she she lives, you know, Russia, not in somewhere near Russia. So over there. Right, Ukraine. That’s it. That’s it. He in five years, he has never met her. He has sent her about $40,000 over five years. And they’ll take right? Yeah. What’s he doing? Other side. Okay. Not stacking up.

40 a. This dude is living or he doesn’t have a car. And he his apartment he, like, only has one chair. He eats Raman noodles just to be able to send her money. And, um, yeah, yeah. I mean, I’m almost embarrassed. I watch the show now, after hearing that, I finally know no itself. So Jason, we have to watch the show. So we have an idea, because area he counsels people So he knows he’s he knows, but what people are doing. So you know, he sees these types of couples in like this.

But you know, people sitting in the church abuse next Dio what way? TV way. So that’s why we watch of it anyway. So he has no boundaries, like zero. OK, and now he has flown over to Cancun. He wanted to go to the Ukraine, but she said, No, it’s cold here. I don’t want you to come here. Let’s go somewhere warm. So he goes, Hankou, get your dime. You know what? It’s so cold here. You wouldn’t like it. Me and Borough My guys some cash. It is so sad.

It is so sad and he not She didn’t show up. Surprise, surprise! Shannon show up. So he still hasn’t met her. And I’m now he’s saying, But you know what? I love her. I’m not going to give up on her. I’m just gonna go to the Ukraine. I’m just gonna go and so no boundaries. And I mean, he trusts her, I guess. But on what? Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, there’s nothing more sad than watching a nail tech have a champagne dinner by himself. Pretty sad.

It’s sad, bro. Your kids, It’s really in Mexico. Mexico waiting. Talk about the Gipsy brought for talking waiter about my My Ukraine girlfriend should be here any minute. Here. Wait. You know what? Before she couldn’t get out, What’s said about it is everybody looks at her picture that looked to him. It says due to you being canvassed, I like the way he’s the exception. Everybody. Yeah. Yeah. So that has been very so you know, I just think about you know, of course we watch it on the show.

Yeah, yeah, with well manicured nails. Goo. It’s good. I mean, they show him given pedicures, talking to his clients about Maria. Yeah. Oh, he borrowed money. Not even a Ukrainian name, you know, am I wrong? I don’t know. You know, Ukrainian names, but it feels like you know something today. It is old good. Oh, yeah, Something. Maria, I have those names. I don’t know. I think I think that might be normal. I don’t know Google that for next every even a Ukrainian name. There is no way, Johanna maybe, Um, I Yeah, but he’s borrowing.

Let’s just think about all the gymnastic teams from the Olympics. Goodness. Okay. I think we need some boundaries right now. You know, Ukrainian names like Koeman Itchy, backslapping Maria USSR broke up the Eastern Bloc. So anyway, that’s that’s just one. I know that it’s total extreme on the other end, like no trust, no boundaries. Um but that’s kind of where I thought about them was like, I how? I’m sure there are people that I like that. So what would be Let’s let’s talk about how you establish a boundary.

What would be a healthy boundary for Caesar? His name? Yeah, for a Caesar to establish with Ukrainian Maria a healthy boundary. Oh, my gosh. How do you even answer that? Um, I’m not sending, you know, more money. Yeah, that’s gonna be the star. Nothing like we need to me. I know as soon as he hangs up with her, she’s calling somebody. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot the most important part. She, like, ignored his calls for like, four days. He gets to Cancun. He’s China caller. She’s not answering. Finally.

Unlike Day three. The day before she was supposed to come, she breaks up with him, right? All right. She is right. So she broke up with him over the phone. Didn’t answer his call anymore after that, for the next week or so. Is healthy fighting going to the Ukraine? And so my thing is, she broke up with you like, this is it. You need to pay your boss back. $1000. You borrowed for this trip. Work, work on that and move on. Like, really, What have you learned from this relationship?

Like whatever is going on, he just think he just won’t do it because he’s got no boundaries headed to the Ukraine. Well, so we’ll find out. Hey, I’ll say this for him. If he does go the Ukraine and he looks in the phone book, there’s probably only one Maria. You should be able to see. You never know, man, I can’t wait to hear the Google. I think you’re wrong. I think that multiple murders So let’s let’s talk the idea of boundaries. Yes, why air boundaries so important?

Because boundaries established where my responsibility ends and there starts. Yeah, where mind starts and there’s ends. It establishes who is responsible for what in a relationship. But the problem is Ah, lot of people see boundaries are not just like inherited inside of us. They’re built. So the homes you grew up in kind of determine whether you understand valid boundaries or not. There’s two components to it, which is there’s, ah, bonding or connecting component to a boundary, which I need to connect with you and have relationship with you.

And then there’s the, uh I think the word is individual ation individualization of it. So it’s the idea that while we’re connected, I’m also an individual. Okay, that I think I mean, the word boundaries sounds so restrictive. I mean, it sounds like sort of I think they could be used to control, but what you mean? Well, I mean that if you’re talking about the topic of this show, is trust and boundaries. Yeah, I could see some people go on to those good like I don’t trust you.

So I’m putting boundaries. That makes sense. So that’s that. If I control, we need boundaries. If I trust you, absolutely, because I can complete you trust to you. But there’s also aspects of the relationship where were responsible. So here’s the idea of in the Book of Genesis, right when talked about marriage that the husband would leave right, mom and dad and cleave to the wife. All right, so there’s been a bond built with Mom and Dad, But then the individual ation is I now separate myself from them in order to keep said that.

Were it three different ways. I know I’m just making different every time you do it. So yeah, Googling and whatever comes up best is the one we go with. So the idea is simply there’s a bond, but I’m also independent. So just like every marriage has, there’s three ways to be married. You could be dependent. You can be independent or you could be interdependent, and interdependent is the goal where we’re connected to each other but also have an individual identity, right? People who are often dependent are co dependent.

I mean, I need you, and I need you to need me. And that’s not healthy people that air to independence. Basically, I don’t even need to. I’m not gonna ask you about decisions. I got my own life. And so well, we want some kind of mix of those two things, but in a healthy boundary, I’ve like in a marriage. I have a bomb with my mom and dad, but I’ve left them to bomb with my wife now, and we have a different relationship over here, and so there needs to be a healthy boundaries set with my parents, right?

They don’t get to stop by the house whenever they want. I don’t go to my dad for advice before I talk to my wife about things they don’t just get to, you know, going on. Yeah. Okay. Well, let me throw this out. So So I totally trust my wife. She trusts me, but we have this discussion and and it’s is not an issue. But it’s It’s a good topic of discussion in our house where my thing is, I don’t think men and women can be friends. She thinks you’re committing Women can be found.

So So? So that’s where again she doesn’t go out. Party women. I’ll go a part of women, but it’s just that way. Have that boundary, I guess even though we don’t agree with it with each other. So So what? Do you go with that with Pastor Nam on that Toya? A jump it can men and women be? Yeah, that’s what Jason threw out there. Now, what is What do you mean by friends? That’s a big me. Okay, friends hang out once a month. Gill hang out. Um, you know, when I’m struggling with something my text and say, you know Hey, I’m struggling with this.

Can you help? May that your friends like you would a friend like you with your girlfriend. Can you do that with the mail? And can a male do that with a female? That’s married, Correct. Yeah. No, no, that’s not gonna work. That is not gonna work. So, um no. Okay. So simply because I don’t need my husband, and I don’t need to be confiding in another man on that level, because what’s gonna happen is I’m going to talk to him or I’m going to trust him or it starts out small and innocent, you know, like Oh, we’re just friends.

This is like somebody else I can talk to and get the whatever male perspective or, you know, female perspective, whatever outside of my spouse. But that’s going to eventually grow, and that’s just dangerous. And you just don’t need to depend on someone else of the opposite sex. It’s not your spouse. I just feel like if you need somebody else to talk to, then maybe you need to go to a counselor if you if that’s what it is, if you don’t trust any other friends of the same sex or if he can’t go to your parents.

But you really should be able to go to your spouse like the goal is to be ableto work your way up to talk to your spouse about anything that’s bothering you. They should be your god than your spouse, then your kids, then everybody else. Okay, so let me, that s oh, so let’s take the communication part of it out, okay? And it’s a college friend that we just go hang out once a month. Ketchup. Mm. I still don’t know she needed Lisa needs to be there to Yeah, well, I agree with you.

OK, so it doesn’t agree with us. Uh, okay. Leave her, bro. But I will say like she doesn’t. I will throw that out there. Now. She doesn’t go hang out, but she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Got it? Okay. And I have an example. So, like, Ahmad had a female best friend that they’ve known since college, so way before me, and like, they would have phone conversations. And so when we were dating, like, what can I say? You know, like, he’s just my boyfriend. She’s been the best friend, and, you know, he let me know that they never dated or anything.

They were always like Brother, sister. Right now, I never met her, but over the years that we’ve been married, we seriously dating, then married. Now I can call her and have conversations with her, you know? So it’s more like now they’ve kind of adopted me into the friendship. So it’s not just him in her, It’s now we all can talk, man. And I mean I have to say I haven’t even met her still, But we do have phone conversations. We text. But like Ahmad hasn’t seen her since we’ve been married.

But you know, So it’s just one of those things where now I’m a part of it. So it’s not just them. I’m in there to write. What you’ve never better, though, see from the video. Is your name Maria? No, she’s in Florida, so we just haven’t been the visit that she hasn’t been here. Is is one of those things. Yeah, Well, Florida, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Well, like I said, I’m with you. I just Yeah, just we’re moving on. Ignore the guy on the right S o. I mean, you’re my thought.

My thought is I’m with you. Is that these simple little things that we just go on a hanging out? But but one person usually and I don’t know, I just think like a guy, I guess. Where I just think most guys have ulterior motives most of time anyway. But, um, you know, I think it’s always somewhere down the line is gonna turn into, you know, I’m just not happy with my wife right now, and they’re gonna start that is gonna start that way out. And, uh, you know, Yeah, I think that ugly something’s especially when you talk about boundaries, I think sometimes boundaries arm or about wisdom than is this absolutely gonna happen?

So, yes, I think that ah, guy girl dynamic always has the potential to turn into something physical. But even if it doesn’t like we were talking about the other day was the idea of if I’m having regular conversations with somebody of the opposite sex about whatever just regular life stuff when I’ve had that conversation with them and I now go home to my wife at night, I no longer need to have that conversation with my wife cause I’ve already had it so, like, I don’t need to rehash it Tran.

So it, at the very least, even if there’s no fear of it going anywhere. At the very least, I’ve now robbed my marriage of an opportunity to develop emotional intimacy because these are the things we were supposed to be talking about. And if we’re honest about our relationships, every marriage finds itself at times with some tension, right? So there’s gonna be a number of times where you know what it is. It would be easier for me to call Toya and talk to her on my way home about whatever was going on at work, then go home and have to push through the tension in my marriage because I know my wife’s upset at me because I didn’t do what I said I was supposed to do yesterday.

And so I’m gonna have toe reconcile the relationship. I’m have to do the hard work of resolving things. And I have to do the hard work of serving and loving her unconditionally to get a climate where now she’s even interested in hearing what I’m doing. And so, if I haven’t easier outlet 10 times out of 10 I might take the easier out Susie over here at work. Or Susie, my friend from college. She still thinks my jokes are funny. She was the only one missing. I know Well, her and I found one other person.

Okay, my dad still laughs at him. Sometimes his sense of humor is not that great. So but But the other piece to that is the problem is so So if I’m I’m over here sharing all this stuff with them and and they love it and they think it’s so funny and then I come home. I don’t need to do it with my wife anymore. So So I’m negatively impacting our relationship right over time we’re going to get to a place where I don’t even need to try to go in and cultivate that relationship with Yeah, I’m fine.

Doing it the other way is the path of easier, less resistance. And I think that if you don’t have a boundary set already there, you can find yourself in trouble in the late I’m going to throw this out to that yet then we’re talking about men and women having that relationship. But in my first marriage, we had problem with the emotional intimacy like that because she was big on chat and she would chat whether the miles. But she chatted for hours. So by the time she got to me, there’s nothing left in the tank.

So even talking with your girlfriends or your bro’s, you know, having your friend relationship. Sometimes you can still rob your spouse of that intimacy that he was talking about. So that’s true. Yeah, and then you start looking at it. Where? What? Susie’s laughing. That his jokes. And now all of a sudden, you start looking at the negatives of your wife. Start looking a little stronger than the positives, and now you’re going to graze. I thought she was. And I think just think about the practical, logical implications. Right?

So let’s say I run home to my wife and have this great big idea. Hey, band, I quit my job tomorrow. I’ve got this great online business. I’m gonna be selling like these. These little outfits for Chihuahuas and stuff. It’s gonna be hot. It’s gonna be big, right? Here’s what my wife’s thinking about. How we gonna pay the bills, right? Uh, can this fly? Yeah, but she’s because she got skin in the game, right? That idea to Susie, she’d be like, Oh, you’re so smart for coming, because because if doing me falls flat on my face, it doesn’t Yeah, Okay, so So you’re messing yourself up with this this weird, false reality that’s not really Bandic and where someone’s gotta be practical excess.

So let’s pull boundaries to the practical idea for for the relationship. Here’s where a lot of relationships fail because they have not set bouncers. Part of setting boundaries is identifying what I’m responsible for what you’re responsible for. And a lot of relationships get toxic and unhealthy because I’m taking responsibility for stuff you’re responsible for your attitude, your behaviors, your anger issue. You’re overspending issue. Let me go through a whole list of things. But oftentimes, if marriages don’t have healthy boundaries, then let’s. So let’s say that a ladies married to a guy and he has anger issues.

So he comes in the door from work, and he had a bad day at work. So he comes in the door, pissed, and he’s blowing people up and the wife gets to a place where her and the kids are on eggshells every time Daddy comes home because they don’t have daddy’s gonna be when he comes through the door. Yeah, if you don’t set a healthy boundary, which is you’re responsible for your anger. Yep. Then you will assume their responsibility on you. There’s not a healthy boundary, and that relationship will always be toxic.

So part of the if you’ve ever read. If you want to go deeper on this idea, boundaries Henry Cloud and John Townsend are like the boundaries experts. They’ve written tons of books on boundaries, boundaries and marriage boundaries with kids boundaries in dating beyond boundaries. But they go through these 10 different laws, and I don’t remember all the laws. But like one is the law sowing and reaping, which means whatever I so I should also read. So if I’m sewing negativity in the relationship, then I should not reap all the benefits of a relationship where I’m sewing positivity.

I shouldn’t get my wife’s openness and love and all that stuff if I’m sewing negativity, we should. And a lot of kids didn’t grow up in homes where sowing and reaping was taught. So they get act crazy. They could talk like whatever they want. They could not listen, and they still got away with it. And they grow up to be these adults who don’t understand the whole idea. Yeah, the other one. I’m throwing papers all over her that the other one is this idea of the law of responsibility, which is I own what I’m responsible for you on your responsible for, and there’s a biblical support for this in Galatians chapter six, Paul says, Like I think inverse to where to carry each other’s burdens.

That’s how we fulfill the law of Christ. But three verses later, he said, each one should carry their own load. Eso you carry each other’s burdens, which are the big crisis, things that are too much for me to bear by myself. I need my community, but we’re all to carry our own loads, which is the daily things, my attitude, my response to disappointments, my failures, my frustrations. I’ve got to own all that stuff. And so as spouses, a healthy boundary says, I’m supporting you and the things that are too big for you to carry, but the things that you need to own, I will not take responsibility for You have spending issues.

I need to set a boundary. If you can’t follow it, I need to take the credit cards. So is a good place to start with those people that I just can’t trust him? Dok, don’t don’t start with trust. Start with setting boundaries first to build that trust. Well, I think if you can’t trust somebody, you have to send a boundary of how much access and impact they can have on your life. They go hand in hand. The greater trust there is probably less boundaries You need to set. True. True.

All right, maybe we’ll get Caesar through it. Yeah, well, that’s it. Thank you so much for joining us on The RelationShop. And again, if you have any questions, send your questions to TheRelationShop@power77radio.com. I’m Toya and we’re saying by Eric and Jason.

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