[THE RELATIONSHOP] How to Handle Cultural Differences (Episode #7)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we kind of watch these relationship shows. We analyze them, dissect them and hope to provide you advice and tips to improve on your relationships. I’m Toya and I have Eric and Jason with me again. Way go. Good to see you again this week, Jason. Life Group. So it’s good to see you here. I was trying to recover after what’s my name in your home Having eggplants thing? Yeah, that was a different podcasts. You have no idea what we’re talking about about the past couple episodes or you’re up to speed. Today.

We’re going to talk about cultural differences. I did finally catch a little bit of one of those shows that you got, What, 90 day fiance. Okay, I think it was really old one. So I remember seeing one white dude that went to, like, Brazil or somewhere for the for the girls. You Carini? Yeah, like he liked somebody like him and took his phone, and they made it all dramatic. And then I saw another one with a Nigerian. Do I think you’re talking about Angela? Yeah, that was crazy.

And that’s what here’s what I don’t get He plays that off, so well, I’m talking past Eric here, so Well, I caught just a glimpse of it. Is he is He is walking TMZ asked him about Jonas brothers. He knows all about Jonas. I watch the news on TV. I’m up to date on reality and you’re going on in our world, I just have And here’s the honest truth. After I watched a little bit of that show, I showered, I felt really I just Here’s what I’ve noticed.

Uh, number one, they’re just setting everybody up for failures there. Taking two cultures did have in common young people that have nothing in common, not even the same. Like they’re finding every little difference that could wreck a couple and say, Honest, put these. Okay, but this show they don’t live together. They don’t put people together that people put themselves together and goes, Hey, we got a winner. Here s So what you’re telling me is that you believe reality TV is riel. Yeah, of course. I don’t know where to go from here on that.

Until this cultural differences. Yeah, that’s the topic. What does that mean for relationship? And we’ll talk about some other differences to cause. Some people listening may not have a cultural or ethnic difference, but we all got differences with our spouse. So let’s jump into your shows that I caught a little bit off. I felt bad about vowed never to watch again. Right? Right. So, uh, 90 day fiance the other way. So that’s where the American is dating somebody online. They made him online, and they’re leaving America to go to this other country to live with them.

All right, so, um, so one that I thought I would never see is Avery, who is 19 years old. She grew up Christian Christian background, I guess. And she just converted to become a Muslim right now. Christian background. Let’s back up a little bit of a Christian background cause it sounds like she was pretty wild. So she I think she was Christian by label, and not by axe that so. But isn’t that most of Christian truth? Good point. Yeah, so But she Yes. So her her family, it seems like they’re mostly Christian.

And so she became a Muslim and her friend, her Muslim friend, told her about this website dating website. So she met her boyfriend, Omar. They got engaged, and now she’s flown over to Lebanon to him for the first time, and they’re ready to get married. The document and surprise, surprise what she’s been holding out to her family is she plans on moving to Syria about that, she’s planning to start area with her husband. So you’re you’re not talking about somebody that’s in the Islamic faith for a long time.

The eyes months and she’s moving serene, Yeah, exactly. Going in Al Qaeda or what they’re going to Syria for. Oh, he’s he Syrian. Oh, but he living in Lebanon? No, they met in Lebanon. They get so confused about this thing and he was Lebanese, Syrian. That’s just where they were able to go to be safe to me and get married. So here’s my issue with those my issue. It does drive me nuts to see the American go over to that culture, any culture, any culture, and not and just think it’s like, appalling that they not be American.

I don’t get that what they really did A mining. It is this why I don’t get it? I don’t get why the rest of the world hates Americans. Everyone should be like us. I mean, that’s right. I probably So that’s a show for another day. But yeah, But when I first saw her, like when I first was when we were first introduced to Avery, I was actually scared for her. You know, like, this is serious. You’re going from America to Syria like That’s not even That’s, like, deeper than a reality show.

You know? That’s really you know, I don’t know then And she’s 1919 and she’s changed her mind in a month. But that’s the extreme to I like and they’re easy to come back to. But we got to go back to Michael and Angela, Okay? Because that one OK, so this is the strong woman from Tennessee Hiss, this strong woman, and that was ranked Tennessee lady. So? So I get the hang of it. Yeah, and I don’t know that we brought that up, but let’s bring that up the egg situation. Okay?

Yes. So she goes and meets Michael’s mama on. And the culture is what over there that the culture is. If your wife cannot have any kids, then you can find another woman toe have kids win. And she’s like, Is she okay with that? And what do you think, Angela? Strong six. Yes, you would. So yes, she she get the bright idea. Let’s go get these ovaries. Check to see if I got anything at almost 60 years old and really tour up six years old. I’m OK, that this is a very easy life.

She not So Yeah, so? So this doctor goes in and we’re looking and up, man. I see one over its blanket, got nothing. We go to the other ovary and we got one egg, and she is all happy. She’s got that egg, right? Yeah. Doctors like Nana, you don’t understand. And it And that brought this up with, you know, when I’m talking about this is like it’s like the food that you’ve left in your refrigerator for six months in the back. And you find it all that Harry Fuzzy.

That is her one egg. It is not gonna be baby bound for sure. So be a high quality egg. You never know. You think survive this long Like now I know you haven’t watched that show. You never know. Never know. All right, so But now we’re going back to cultural things where she got started getting upset when she all she wants to hear Michael say it’s no. I would never do that, baby. But he’s not saying that because culture says Yeah, yeah. So, kids. So how do you bring that into marriage?

I mean, I’m on. I’m trying to figure out. So this dude’s younger than her. You were younger. Why? Why you tryingto spend your life with the old one egg. Angry. I can quote strong because woman from Tennessee, she by him, Donald Trouble on the way. That’s all he wanted by other people. Yeah. I don’t know. Do that. Just like the 19 year old. Like you’re 19. You can’t find a young buck around here that I don’t spend your life with that That’s fair. No, I don’t understand. Especially moving, Like converting to become a Muslim like OK, you know, you know, whatever.

But then to move to pick up your life and move to Syria like you have no idea what you’re about to walk into that she take a short course on Sharia law or anything she realized all of what she gonna have to wear and walk and can’t do. And about Teoh, Because at the end of the last episode, he was like, Well, in argument, I expect her to say nothing. Yeah, she should my wife to be quiet. Yeah, we’re getting there. Yeah. Muslim. So what are your thoughts on that?

Okay, you’re in agreement. Good. Yeah, I just I Okay, I see. Jill Roller. I do what you think about that. Okay? No news is good news. I’ll take that as a green. I don’t even know what care. But that brings up a good book, is we’re talking about different cultures. There’s no question, different cultures, different faiths. That’s a whole of their beast, cause someday there’s gonna be kids involved, right? And when you’re mixing, faith is what I mean. Where do you go with that? I mean, some of these extreme, they should extreme faith differences.

Eso How do you merge a family with two different extreme faith difference? Right? That’s another question. Yeah, I don’t know. Tell me. Give me an answer, Pastor. Well, I have a friend who is one religion, and her husband is something else. And so now it’s It’s become more of They do have a kid, and she just said, Look, I want my kid to be able to decide, So I think that’s kind of where they are right now. So, uh, all right. Yeah. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I would have met. Well, yeah, I don’t know it. It would depend on the kind of the tenants of the two different face. Yeah, the basic principles or the pillars of those face. Are they in opposition to one another? Because I would imagine there in opposition. I can’t imagine that as a parent, you would be like, Why? Just let my kid choose. If you feel strong conviction, right, the basis of your faith is correct And the best way to live life. I wouldn’t think you’d be okay with your kids shoes and something else, right?

And obviously, I guess it would work like you’re saying. Like if one person is not as strong and their religion, you know, then then that’s the only way. But if it’s too strong, people like a Christian and a Muslim, that that wouldn’t even was different thought is total different thought processes right. It’s just Yeah, I don’t know how that can work. I think part of it depends on how strong, whatever the differences that we could weaken. Take this idea of differences across multiple things, right? You’re we’re talking cultural differences right now.

We’re talking faith differences, but think about all the other areas of difference in marriage. And really, you hear this often in the Christian faith, right? People talk about Oh, well, we’re unequally yoked term that they use if you don’t know what that means. There’s a verse in the Bible that says Don’t be unequally yoked. The idea is you don’t want to be closely connected in relationship with somebody that has a different set of values than you do because going to cause problems. So when you think about being unequally yoked, that could be across multiple different things.

That’s true. We may be unequally yoked in our values. We may be unequally yoked in our cultural differences. Our faith, We I mean, we can even be unequally yoked in our approach is to a number of different things. How we handle money, how we parent, I even think, and I don’t know we will see if we have time to go down this road. Sometimes couples are unequally yoked in the level of wounded. Then stay Bring to the marriage is probably I don’t know if we want tackle that.

So let’s just talk about the other things where some differences in you guys is marriage with your spouse is where you would be quote unequally yoked. You got some different thoughts on it. Well, I mean, it’s gonna be hard not to not to jump into that wounded area, because that’s probably that’s probably where we come from, you know, we came from all right, previous marriages down that way. Go. So so, yeah. I mean, we both had previous marriages, so the response to each other, especially initially, were way.

But now, but especially initially in the marriage, we responded to the other spouse like we did our old spouses. It has a whole different world. I mean, and and so I mean, I made my wife cry so many times early on because of that, because my first wife was much harder person. So so So I’m a talk. I want to talk it out, and she’s quite she has to think about her thoughts first, anyway. So yeah. So the wounded wounded a big part of it. That’s a big part of it.

What about you guys? Story? Um, for us, it would be, I guess, the culture of the marriage, because and it kind of goes back to expectations, but because of my parents, where are they? Are very much in love. They hold hands, they, you know, sweet talk each other. They do all those things and been married. Like 40 years, I think. And then my parents where I never saw them date. I never saw them hold hands. I never saw any of that, but I saw them together. Like my parents divorced when I was in my late twenties.

But, um so that was what marriage looked like to me. And so the that was what made us kind of unequally yoked was what we both thought marriage Waas. And for me, I was like, Well, me and my date, we go to church, we serve like we’re good. We’re better than the example that I had set. So we’re good and his expectation was Well, we’re not best friends. We don’t do everything. We’re don’t. We’re not all over each other, so no, we’re not good. That’s kind of That’s why that’s hold hard. Family?

Yeah, s So many things are coming together for you. Yeah, I’m praying right now. As you guys talk, I’m gonna pray for Ahmad. Way came from. That’s where we came from. So, you know, we It was a lot of hard work, but we’re here. I’m happy. He’s happy too. You guys are good. That’s good. All right. You’re throwing out advice over there, but you’re not immune. What do you get? Oh, absolutely not. There’s a whole list of areas where we’re diametrically opposed. Maybe we have different parenting styles.

That is an area where now, with kids 2018 and 15 we just have realized we’re not gonna get on the same page. Yeah, right now, if we were miles apart, we’ve moved towards each other. So maybe we’re only yards apart, but we’re never gonna There’s never gonna be full meet in the middle compromise in this area. And so that’s where you have to navigate the differences. Try toe value each other’s approach based on your parenting differences come from the way you were like, for instance, Lisa’s mom used to be like, OK, don’t tell your dad, but here’s, you know, so that it is both and it’s the homes we grew up in, and it’s our personality differences.

And so sometimes you can, based on personality, believe that well, you need a parent this way because that worked on me, right? And I’m like, Well, so like me. I’m I’m a rule breaker. Not in your face Rule breaker. I’m a behind your back rule breaker. I’m always gonna if that’s a limit on the test a limit. If if you say I have to do that, I’m gonna go a different way. So to punish me or to be over the top with me like that’s going to control it ain’t gonna work.

But my wife’s a rule follower in general. So my wife’s the kind of person who walks in a department store and just has a guilty conscience and feels like someone’s probably watching her thinking she gonna take something. And I’m on the other side where I’m like, I wish you would try to catch me and see, I got you thinking that we could talk about it so being a rule follower, if you apply rules and pressure and there’s fear that’s gonna keep you in line. But being a rule breaker, if there’s all that stuff that I’m gonna keep me in line, I’m a decide what the consequences and what I want to break it.

So she can assume then that if we parent the way she was parented, it should work. But all kids are different. So that’s one area where we just tried toe so each other grace meet each other in the middle as much as we can. And at the end of the day for us A Z believers, we trust God, Yeah, thes kids were not ours to begin with, giving a stewardship for a season and do the best we can and trust God in the miss it. So I think you could do that in a lot of areas, so we don’t have to agree totally and be on the same page to make it work.

Is that what you’re saying? Yeah, I think there this may be a whole different podcasts. I think there are some unresolvable differences or conflicts in marriage, yet we will never fully resolved. Now we can come closer, right? And we can try to close the gap, and we can trust each other and communicate in the midst of it. But I think, but this area, like you guys, we started talking about these couples with these big cultural difference when you have differences in values. And we talked about that in one of the other podcast.

We talked about values and having a purpose and identify and values that will drive the marriage when you have competing values, differences in values is gonna cause problems at times. Yeah, I mean, you’re talking about I mean, we’re going back to those shows a little bit where it was with some meat and closer to you. Jan Yeah, yeah, where you’re talking about? He was already married because that culture they it was already pre arranged, right? And so he stuck in potential jail time and all that. His choice.

If they press charges, Yes. Oh, so that’s the extreme of it all. But it’s interesting you bring up those little things that I never really thought about before. That you can actually, OK, maybe we don’t have to agree on it. E I mean, kids are probably the biggest thing for us anyway, especially with kids that you know that summer mine and somewhere hers. That makes a difference to but But yeah, that’s I mean, it’s interesting Point had thought about that’s That’s why we bring in the genius right years.

Yeah, yeah, he’s in the corner by what’s her name’s egg with this. Dust him off and bring him in. Right? So let’s talk about that. Do you have you guys noticed in your relations? Oftentimes, when you find your especially early on a marriage, when you find yourself in conflict with your spouse, sometimes it’s, ah, you know, an unmet, unspoken expectation. Other times it’s a core value where they are opposing or competing core values. And you realize, like when you having a fight about money. Sometimes it’s because you spent money on something that you value, but your spouse does not have the same value right there, and so you realize we’ll hold it up.

We’re fighting. And so when it talks about faith or culture, a lot of times, opposing values will cause gigantic friction and conflict in marriage, and we can usually get along with competing values for a period of time. If there’s enough financial or time margin, but at times it will run into a wall. I’ll give you an example. So let’s just do the faith thing. Let’s take 1/7 day Adventist. They go to church on Saturdays right on. And maybe have them, Mary, you know, Catholic or something else. The Catholics have mass on Saturday to but just for discussion, saying they married somebody who’s like we got to go to church on Sunday, right?

Okay, They may share a similar faith, even the tenants of the faith, that Jesus is the son of God and some of that kind stuff. But there’s a difference in value and so they can. At times they get, they may say, Well, we both go Saturday and Sunday together, and so we share and it’s great, but what happens when Now you have Children and Johnny has a soccer game Saturday night? Yeah, the Seven Day Adventist is going to say, Well, Johnny doesn’t play in that league, right?

But the Protestant is gonna go. Oh, yeah, he does, because we can just go to church Sunday. Now you have competing values and differences. And how you gonna resolve that when it is so primary to who you are? Yeah, that’s and that doesn’t seem like a place you can resolve. I mean, that’s well that that’s where it comes back to when you’re looking to get into marriage. Where are you having those discussions on the front end? That these are my core values, these air, your core values and really identifying.

But we talk about love. All we want, right, loves not going to overcome at the core of you what you want to do and what you value most because your finances and your time and your energy is going to go towards what you value. Yeah, right. Well, because, like Michael is on that show, Michael’s Corvette, he really wants family Family is, like way important to him, to the point of its culturally okay toe to sleep with somebody else. Tohave obey because family is my core. Value is family right where she doesn’t see it that way.

And he’s not being honest because he’s scared that he’s gonna make her upset and that she’s not going to pay for him to come to America, right, So you know, and that thing is like too many people in relationships that are fallen in love with the vacation version of somebody, or they just want to be happy so they don’t want to stir up any conflict because they just want to be married so bad. So then after they get married, then the truth comes out, and it’s like, Well, how do we deal with this?

And it’s like, you you should have dealt with it before. Sit. Those trump draws are only gonna get him so far. Yeah, yeah, that’s a perfect difference that you’re not going to resolve, and it’s gonna ultimately enter the lead to the end of a relationship. You know, if he really wants kids, that’s a core value this person cannot give him. Kid probably shouldn’t be giving him a chance at that age, right? And it’s gonna cause a problem in the relationship. Their relationship will end because he values kids.

She can’t produce it. So something’s gonna happen along the way. That that’s gonna right, cause of problem in some of that kind of stuff. Yeah. What what values have you guys noticed in your relationship where there are great differences that you’ve either gotten on the same page or you continue tries to navigate you for values that I needed. Let me see. Let me think back when you’re talking. Values were talking. I mean, just it could be anything. I think we talked about this before, but, like family spending time with families, Uh, yeah, right, So right that already we don’t fight about that.

We goto her family for Christmas with my family on Thanksgiving. This is a given. Yeah, and I think for us is probably more of just the dating life. So just getting out more and not not so much of what I want to do, but just sacrificing and also doing things that the mind wants to do that I’m not really interested in, but just that I need to do, you know, for him. So I think that’s quality time and really thinking about what that looks like for us because I mean culturally.

Besides that, that’s that’s kind of what made us different. Um, was what marriage look like to him and what marriage looked like to me, those were kind of our issues that we’ve had to kind of work out. So everything else I think it’s been all right, all right. Yeah. I mean core value that we share the same core values which help. And so I don’t know, there’s anything glaring in our marriage that I’m a busy guy. I like to be active and stuff. That’s the only thing where I value relationships.

Not that she doesn’t value, but I value relationships like friends. And so I try to be everywhere for everybody and do stuff for everybody, probably at my own fault sometimes. But so that’s probably the biggest core value difference with us is I have to watch not being gone three and four days. We need to do once, you know, over here one night at one friends helping him, and I have to make sure I put my but my priorities, my family first. That’s probably that’s my issue, though, but because she’s the reason you guys skip life group so much, it’s all her.

You knew it was Are you do with it, right? Center a dude center another way. By the way, we’re not gonna be this week course You guys air out. You didn’t know but the last time they voted. All right, let’s go back to because we got a little time. Let’s go back to this idea of unequally yoked in wounded nous. I think this is. This will be helpful to some couples who are thinking about getting married, who can better discern if they should be marrying to part of their marrying.

So the idea is simply this. We all have wounded nous based on either past relationships, marriages, the home we grew up in, whatever it is, huh? And oftentimes we pick a spouse who’s there, wounded nous or sometimes just their personality characteristics, a pick at or poke at our greatest wounded nous. I give you some examples, and I would call these couples unequally yoked, and it causes a bunch of problems for him. So you take, Let’s take a person who grew up and in their home. They were always told, you know, there nothing there.

Never get amount to much. There a failure. So they got some rejection and abandonment issues. Now they marry somebody who does what Toya you said old Toya used to do, which is in conflict. You get quiet and withdraw. Yep. So if I have abandonment issues on rejection issues. And every time we have a conflict, your mode of operation is to withdraw. Because in your house, if you didn’t withdraw, it blew up so loud it got physical. It was crazy. So your defense mechanism is what? Withdraw. All right.

Every time we have conflict, you withdraw. Which makes me feel rejected and abandoned. My greatest wound and blowing up every time I counseled a couple Premera couple. Here’s another one. The guy waas overweight. Did I tell the story before? I don’t think so. The guy was overweight and over weights find. But for him, that was his biggest thing. His He was growing up called fat. He was always the fat here. They made fun of him. So this is his area of greatest wounded. This so him and his Fiat.

His fiancee is a Zumba instructor A to local fitness center. All right, all right. Now picture that I think will. You gave him crude as well done, bro. But watch this. So just who she is pokes at his greatest and security all the time about fitness. She’s about looking fit. She’s about eating, right? Not only that, but everybody in her circle her community is about fitness to. So every time they go out with friends, guess who he is. The fact it all over again. Even though nobody says anything, her very personality opens and scrapes at his greatest wound.

And I told him I said, I’m not I can’t tell you to marry or not marry. But I’m just telling you, this is gonna be an area of your life where just her nature every day is gonna poke it. Your greatest insecurity. You bring it on. That’s gonna from I mean, how you gotta deal with wounds from a kid. I mean that that’s what I say you got. Now there are some couples that their wounded this fits together. Now, I would call the relationship dysfunctional, but take a coupe to co dependent people that need to be needed.

And they need each other and so works for him because they’re both coat a bit. And I wouldn’t say that’s a healthy dynamic, right, But they won’t have a lot of conflict because they need each other need to be needed. Let me give you one more example. Take the girl who everybody she’s ever dated is cheated on her. She doesn’t trust people on. She now starts dating the outgoing guy who everybody is his friend. You’ve never met a stranger. He’s talking to the waiter, the waitress, everybody he meets just naturally what you would call flirtatious, right?

He may be the most faithful guy in the world. Never gonna cheat on her. But who he is will poke at her greatest insecurity. Right? Which someone? And jealousy. And it will cost fights all the time. So I think if you’re looking to get married and you gotta know your own wounded this and work on healing that. But you also have to know how your wounded nous gets exposed by their personnel. We totally need to make this a show. You struck some chords there, so yeah, let’s make that you have the questions.

The big guy, huh? There are they still together? They got divorced waiting in this, but he has swag, huh? He must have because he pulled her. Ah, yeah, but I think it. And if he works on that wounded this and just accepts, he is who he is. I think you’d be all right. Thank you all so much for joining us on The RelationShop. I’m Toya with Eric and Jason with Power 77 Radio.

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