The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.
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This is The RelationShop where we watch these relationship shows. We analyze them, dissect them and hopes to provide you advice and tips to improve on your relationships. I’m Toya. And with me, I have Eric and Jason way. Remember Holland? My word last time? I don’t know. I see you guys. Man. I pumped again to get one. We’ve got a great one today. We’re going to talk about what everybody thinks is their biggest issue in their relationship. That is communication, but that’s really never their issue. So we’ll dig in the wind.
But I’m assuming. And now correct me if I’m wrong. I’m assuming this week the two of you wasted wasted many hours walking, maybe to your favorite shows. Do you ever do you ever stop like a the end of a couple weeks and back? How many hours you spent watching these crazy shells and go, Dude, I could be like a PhD you now if I studied instead, you ever stop and think how many hours you aces? Listen to the nineties hip hop? I just recounted it. Keeps is my life.
Song keeps me going. All right. So what do you want to watch this week. I’m I’m just gonna assume again every one of those crazy couples got issues with communicating with each other. You are right, Every single one of them. So, Jason, I don’t know. I was kind of thinking about 90 day fiance. Wait. 90 day before the before. Yeah, they also, um, Angela and Michael. So we got a whole show on Angela Michael. Yeah, but who refresh our memories. So, Angela Michael So Angela is Let’s start with Michael Miles, the Nigerian.
That’s so easy. How do you describe Angela? Angela? Is she she? She is funny. She is. Oh, you got going. That’s around way. Just She is a country loving lady tree. Look, OK, she’s from Georgia. She in her fifties towards poor white trash thing. But I feel like that’s where you’re moving and that’s what it is. But she’s strong. She has a strong woman, okay? And Michael being Nigerian, he’s in his twenties, the strong or personality big. But she has a really strong personality. She really does like she tells him what it is.
They’re communications. Been bad from the start. Hey, keeps from her, but you know, he really wants to come over here. He really he really wants to come to America. So he’s trying to keep her happy, doing whatever she says and communication like with them. I don’t even know what. Where would you start with them? I don’t I mean, the guy is his love languages. Donald Trump underwear. That’s true. When she bought him Donald Trouble. Yeah, he likes it all in Trump’s Oh, yeah, he wants to meet him.
So I don’t know. Their communication from the start is I think they had these preconceived ideas and that’s where their started. I mean, they I don’t know. He they she drives that ship. And so I think he’s just trying to please her, and he’ll say whatever it takes to pleaser, which is the truth or none, Yes, where their communications going bad. That’s why he lies because he keeps thing from her because he doesn’t want to make her mad. He wants to come over here more than anything and so bad, you know, in the Nigerian culture, they want to make sure they have kids and she’s in our fifties.
And now what? We just learned that she does have one egg. That way they will for weeks. And then they’re like, Hold up. I need to see something in the corner of the ovary. You know that thing back your refrigerator that you forgot about six months. What a chances. So his future Children are resting on the ability of one egg? Yeah. Her daughter may let her have some of her eggs. So I don’t even want to see that baby if it works, you know, but But he is.
When it goes back to communication, I feel like he is becoming a very passive man. Just do what he can to get over here to America. So what? She’s still not smart about it? Cause he puts it on Facebook, right? I not with anybody, but there’s a girl behind and I’ve never been on this boat. But here’s a picture of me on a boat. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. He needs to work a little more than communication, I suppose. Past Eric, You don’t deal with communication issues in your office?
No. Nor in my marriage. Clear communications always spot on. It is always, as the Bible says, seasoned with salt. It’s always edifying, Especially in jail. Is land naked. Do you know about any of that? That was That was last time stuff. Okay, get a started. Jason will start talking about say my name again. There’s a question. What do you think makes communication good or bad in a marriage? What do you guys think? Based on your marriages? I mean, same page, right? I mean, that’s that’s why as we’ve talked about this before, but it’s so big.
Know what you’re getting into Because communication. I mean, you should know how to communicate before even get into that situation of marriage as’s faras Lisa myself, we have We try to create this little area of TV’s off out on the back porch, No distractions, so we can focus. And I think I don’t know my personal opinions. That’s probably where where a lot goes wrong. You know, you got kids running around, you got TV’s on. There is really no focus. Uh, so that’s what we try to do in communication.
Make sure we have the right place and time to really talk about it. So what about you? Well, with me in a mine, it took me. It took me probably. Let’s see, we dated for seven years. We just celebrated nine years. So I must say, it took me about 15 years to learn how to communicate. And I’ll say that because it’s funny and it be the simple things. I would go to the movies and you say What you think of that movie and I’m like it was a movie that is just entertainment. Really?
You wanna talk about it? Like it was just a movie with you? Oh, yeah. I tell people all the time. He’s the woman, and I’m the mayor because I did not know how to communicate. I didn’t want to talk about anything. I’m just like, Hey, whatever you want to do, that’s fine. And I didn’t have an opinion. My answer to every question was I don’t know. Okay. That was me. Yeah, well, but I think I got it together now. That be frustrating. Oh, I know, I know.
But I learned that you learned you learn. I feel like you have lots of opinions. I dio dio them all. You know what? It’s I watched my parents so because I didn’t see them communicate. I just thought it was okay. Like I don’t know, But I’m here now. Hey, here’s a good one. Help me. You guys different? Got in a fight over text even know there was nothing to fight about. Yeah, I don’t think so. Texas. You can’t communicate over text. I love it. We do. We fight cause she’ll text me.
There’s somebody there so many levels to this one, but one. I share my calendar with her because she was always text me and then I didn’t text back. I’m in the middle of an appointment or meeting and should be like, Well, why didn’t you text him back and be like, Look at my calendar. So we shared calendars, which helped a little bit, but she doesn’t look at the counter. Still ticks. So does she keep Does she keep time on it like OK, you she text and she she wants You got five minutes to go.
She wanted knots that now it’s not like that. It’s just depends on what it is, but what’s happened before? She’ll text me and I’ll be in the middle of an appointment or right in between appointments. So I really don’t have time for a long text back A short one to communicate. Painting is the answer, so she’ll say, like, whatever. What do you want? You want this for dinner and I’ll text back. That’s fine. Like What do you mean? That’s fine. I mean, it’s good. And then it’s like, Why you gotta be like I’m not sure I just don’t have time.
So now I realize I just put some weird emoji next to it. Does not matter most little smiley face by now. That’s true that that works. I get, you know, she gives me the heart and I’d give her an eggplant back by accident. That’ll perk. My plan was last week. Stock. I know what that means. Someone give Jason a little a little key to emoji. What they mean I play it. I just got a purple eggplant. I amount. That’s a show for another day. Here’s here’s my thought on communication.
Most people say we got communication issues. That’s the number one of you. If you talk to counsellors, that’s the number one presenting issue for couples. They say we can’t communicate, which I always say, you got no problem communicating. You can articulate everything you want with plenty of volume, you talk to people on your job. You’re good, so it’s not necessarily the communication is more about the climate in which you’re communicating. There’s a great book by an author, Dr Tim. You’ll have called marriage forecasting. If you need a book on communication, that’s the best one ever written.
But he talks about creating the right climate because if you don’t have the right atmosphere, then it really doesn’t matter. Like you could say the right thing at the wrong time, ending up in a bad place. You could say the right thing at the wrong place and end up in a bad storm. You could say the right thing in the wrong tone. You could say the right thing in the wrong words, so you would be saying the right thing. But if it’s not the right climate, you’re not going to get the kind of response you want.
Let me go public. Ah, go biblical on your guy. You know you’re talking about Egg Place This may. If I quote a burger baby, it’ll redeemed the egg. So here’s what Proverbs 25 11 and 12 says it says, like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. So remember that, right? Circumstances, Right then it goes on in verse 12 it says, like an ear ring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprove er to a listening year. So in those versus we see in communication, we got two jobs.
One is speaking words in the right circumstance. You don’t say the right word in the right tone. It says in the right circumstances, you got in the window talk. And the other part is, it says, a wiser approve, er to a listening ear. And so you have to be willing to offer a listening ear to somebody who is reprove ing you Ieave critiquing you or rebuking you or giving you strong words. We’re too focused times on saying the right thing or knowing we’re right. And proving to the other person I’m right is not about you may be right.
But if you’re not doing it in the right circumstance, you’re gonna find yourself in a bad place. That makes sense. Well, that’s what’s I mean, because, you know, most of our communication is I’m trying to think about what I’m gonna say yeah before. Listen, you Yeah. Yeah, that makes that. I never thought. I think the question you gotta ask yourself is if you’re in a relationship and you are feeling like, man, we just can’t communicate, were always fighting. Things are going well. We start talking about something good, like vacation.
And next thing I know, we’re in a fight, or I asked him a question, and then they get defensive and wearing a fight. I think take the focus off of what are the words were saying and think about what kind of culture have we created? Is the climate right for me? T even deliver what I’m trying to deliver? Yeah. I mean, we can’t even get their turn on the TV. Nobody gets that right. We created a environment that nobody can communicate. So you talked about environment. So I mean, you’ve just blown mind because we’ve always heard it’s all about how to communicate. Communicate.
Now you’re tell us. Forget about communicated since environment that would create. So so Okay. Explain to me what environment looks like. Well, there’s lots of levels, I think, But if you John Gottman, who’s a researcher Dr been in relationship forever. One of the I would say foremost experts in relationship. He had a love lab up in Seattle and test yeah, apartment, where he had cameras everywhere. He bring couples in and have them live there, and he’d monitor their hearts, see him on video. So this guy, after watching couples talk and communicate with 90% accuracy after after watching him, could determine if they’d be married in five years or not on some of their conflict of anyway, John Gottman says that we need a 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio toe have a healthy relationship, even says in in the workplace that the brain needs 5 to 1 positive to negative in order, process, critique and criticism, right?
I think that’s a starting place. Is think about your interactions with your spouse or the person relationship with Do you really have five positive encouraging, edifying words for everyone time. You have to speak negative or critical Truth. How do you rate on that? Um, I have definitely improved, especially because of mind is word of affirmation. So I had to learn, But I think now, Yeah, I definitely I know that I complement him every day. Now the whole being specific. 5 to 1, you know, I don’t know. But night in your account.
Maybe that’s a good I d always start journaling. And then I always stop after a short, but I can’t even text you now You want me to write Jason have, ah journal with a bunch of cucumbers and he’s I think I think it’s good you’re saying Toya is because you’re the climate of your relationship is fairly healthy. Yeah, you’re not needed to keep count. You just know you are intentional about trying to speak positive couples listening who are struggling it may be worth. Actually make a note of how many times you say something positive versus negative thinking my first relationship, my first marriage.
It was it was reactive, and I think most people just reacted. They’re not intentional about what they’re thinking. It is. It’s your coming at me, so I’m going to protect myself and come a you type thing inside. That’s where I think most a lot of people probably fall short, is just just reacting in the moment that not being intentional, you’re saying slowing down might be a good idea. Think about what you say. I would think so. I mean, you already talked about intentionality, you guys going out on the back porch and yet shut the phones and talking.
That’s intentionality. So, Tim, you’ll hop talks about some climate builders in his book. And so I thought, maybe we cover a couple of those. He talks about one being acknowledgement, which is you letting the other person know that you hear them? Yeah, acknowledging a person, here’s what we do all the time. That is the opposite of acknowledgement. They think about this, and I know everyone’s guilty. So think about an example from your relationship where watches So your spouse says something to you, like it be great if you could get your dishes from the sink into the dishwasher so I don’t have to pick him up in that moment.
If you want a good communication climate, you’re gonna acknowledge that you hear them. Hey, I hear you. Sorry about that. I’ll work on that. But our tendency is to do the opposite, which is you think about all the times they’ve left their dishes and you’ve put away which may be completely true. So instead of acknowledging you say, Well, I put two dishes away years this week and you didn’t see me coming after you. And what happens? What happens is that’s the opposite of acknowledgement. What you’re doing in that moment is you’re invalidating what they’re bringing to you and you’re basically communicating.
Teoh, you can’t call me on anything because if you do, I’m gonna call you back on something, right? And that’s hard to do, right? Because legitimately, you can be like, Dude, you call me out about one plate and literally this week, I have put your bowl and cup away seven different times. That may be valid, but watch this. Don’t do it in the moment. Wait till later that evening. Wait till the next day and you could come back and say, Hey, you know, yesterday when you mentioned me, put my dish in the sink, I received that.
I’ll work on that. It is a little frustrating for me, though, because I feel like I do that often for you and don’t really say anything, but yet you’re kind of coming after me. It’ll be received at a different moment, way better than it will in the moment in the moment. All it does is invalidate, which is the opposite of acknowledgement. Tell me what that climate was again. Acknowledge that was acknowledge. It’s a climate builder. Acknowledgement. Which you saying? I hear you in the moment. What you’re saying to me, I’m validated.
I may not agree with it, but I’m validating that. I hear it in the moment how you guys do on that one. Um, okay. In the past, I would completely shut down. So I hear I hear what you’re saying now. But, like, if if a mild were to, like say, hey, you know, can you put these dishes up knowing that I’ve already like, given Mason a bath? I’ve already like cooked dinner, you know, I’ve already done all these things, and then you have the nerve to say, Can you clean up the dishes?
I will shut down for the night like, Seriously, I wouldn’t even say anything. But he knows something’s wrong, and I’m probably not going to say anything, but that’s the old me and and that would create a cold climate. You not say anything this frigid in there, so yeah, in the new you, the new me I would probably just be like, You know what? I you know what? I still need to work on this because the new me would probably say, Hey, let’s do it together. Uh, no brothers your dish together because I really like Babe.
I’ve already given Mason a bath. I’ve cooked food. So let’s let’s do this together. Don’t let’s do it together. And then I, like, rub his hand and be like I would be next to you. Rub is handed. We’re moving down the whole different road. Now you’re manipulating him to physical Teoh. I heard that word too many times before, so I see. I know that some work to do. All right. So what if it’s the opposite way? Where? Okay. There been times my wife’s gonna hear this. Were there been times that I’ve done because I like to cook cooking?
I’ve been cooking, and then I’m looking at all these dishes going seriously, nobody can. I did all the cooking on on me that I needed. So I do the dishes too. But I don’t say anything. I just do it. Probably. I’m sure they can tell I’m irritated. Yeah. So flip the other way. Come on. You think they could tell when you’re like slamming the cabinet doors, clanking all the dishes in the dishwasher, re allowed and grunting? Maybe, maybe a little. But that goes back to talking about expectations, Really?
Where we dio That’s Abdel Jill, that from the start start our marriage, you cook. I’ll do dishes, period, and part of it. So I saw my dad do it right. It was just regular. I’m like, Hey, do if you cook, I’ll do the dishes 100 out of 100 times. I’m good. That’s a trade off for me. I can’t nothing. She’s a good cook, so I’ll eat well and do dishes all night that were. But here’s another one. When you talk about acknowledgement that we make the mistake of doing how many times when maybe the spouse says, Hey, you hurt my feelings are offended me or disrespected me when you did fill in the blank and they give you an instance, and in that moment you have another opportunity, you can acknowledge it.
OK, tell me. Tell me about that. How did that happen? How did you feel? Or you could do what we often do, which is like, That’s not what I was trying to do or or you’re taking that wrong or you focus on technicality. So when they say something like, you know, when you call me stupid, that just really hurt my feelings. You say I didn’t call you stupid. I said that was a stupid thing to do. Yeah, right. That again is invalidating. Not acknowledgement. Uh huh. May you guilty of that one?
You know what? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I am. I’m guilty. Of course I’m guilty of that. I mean, it’s I don’t know Help me out. Todo This man told me the old toy trying not to get in trouble Lifeless is Yeah, it’s awesome. Well, you’ve never Fine. I say I’m bagging out. I am not admitting anything. I am backing out light. Look, you say I hurt your feelings. Well, you take another wrong way. You need to stop being so sensitive. That was the old me. Okay, way to show.
No, the new me actually. Listen now, Mike man. Okay, let me figure out. What did I do wrong? Like I the new meat looks at myself first. What? What did I do wrong? what, Tonto? Because I knew you inside. Think, man. He says he just too sensitive. Not anymore. Really, really. For ill? Not anymore. Now I really do look at myself like, Okay, I don’t want him. I don’t want my husband to feel that way. I don’t want to be the one to make him feel that way.
Like Okay, what do I need to do to change? Is the old me, though? Yeah. You wait too sensitive. Middle child syndrome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, in previous relationship dictates that stuff to you. Get so used to the way you did it with one way, you get a totally different personality, but try to do it the same way. Yeah. Yeah, that’s probably been our toughest part. Yeah. So if you want to create a good climate knowledge, minutes used in the moment hearing them, letting them know you here, you may not agree with them.
You may be able to give him five instances where they didn’t do what they’re asking you to do, but in the moment if you acknowledge you will create a climate for better communication, if you don’t like a toy says with you too sensitive. You get over yourself. You know, I don’t mean that all you’re doing is basically letting him know. Hey, this is an environment where it’s not safe to bring whatever you want. Try to bring because I’m gonna tear you up and send your home with your tail between your legs, and so they’ll stop communicating, which will make you think we must be good man.
Hence anything in months. So I must be good now. You’re not good. Yeah, you just you just They got all kinds of resentment. So I know another climate builder is trust, which seems kind of obvious, right? You, if you have a climate of mistrust where the other person doesn’t believe they can really believe what you’re saying to be true, then what happens is in everything you say they’ll be. They’ll begin to look for, like, an unstated riel. Answer what’s really behind it. So there’s this climate of suspicion and distrust, so you could say a but they’ll start reading between the lines that aren’t even there to go.
I don’t know. They said a but So we talked about Michael and Angela, and that’s the perfect example from Michael and Angela because he’s lied to hear so many times. And so now, right? Every conversation is based off. Okay. Is this which might Is this the line? Michael, there’s not right, so yeah. Okay. Right now? Yeah. There’s nothing more. I got a Bible verse for you again. Okay. Here you go. Captain Eggplant. Its’s probably like 20 other t shirt way. Get him a T shirt that said that.
Captain explaining You won’t even know that’s a BTO RelationShop T shirt. I can make up the meeting. For what? This is the reason I got a way to get that in the in the online stores. So Proverbs 26 28 says a lying tongue hates those it crushes you. Think about the things that lying can do to a relationship. If there’s a climate of mistrust, forget about it. You can. You can read every book on communication. You can practice the speaker listener technique you could reflect. You can say what I heard you say was repeat back.
None of that matters if you don’t trust the person. Right. So that’s another one. Here’s one more expectations. We kind of talked about this, but marriages rise and fall on expectations. Eso you have to communicate them. You don’t communicate them. You’re going to be operating from different definitions. And the thing is, you don’t get to define the other person’s expectations. They dio your desires to try to learn and understand what they’re talking about and how that works. So if I give you example for me on this was probably decades ago because I’m running perfect right now or this was before this might have been three months ago.
Uh, my wife, We were talking one time and just talking about our communication. I felt like we were disconnected. We have been talking a whole lot, and she said to me, I don’t feel safe with you. That’s a stinging That is so So the right answer would have been acknowledgement, right? Oh, you don’t feel safe. Tell me about that. My answer was not acknowledgement. My answer. Waas. We mean safe. I would never put my hands on you. I don’t cuss it. You I’ve never done anything to make you fear.
But what she was talking about was that I may or may not have a tendency to like to make jokes of everything. Um, may God, yeah, eso. She was saying that she never knows if something she shares with me may turn into the butter. One of my jokes a couple hours later in the wrong environment stage when you preach up on Syria in the middle of life, you know about that I so that I don’t feel safe there. So here’s the problem for me, even though it’s not really in the book.
The five love languages. One of my lovely, which is people joking I when people make fun of me, I don’t get my feelings are like I like you. It’s like it’s like but it’s not for everybody. So we have, she asked a communicator. Expectation for me, which is I don’t get to define that. What she defines a safe is her definition of safe. And I could say, Well, that is safe. That’s me loving you. But if she doesn’t feel love, then we got a communicator. Expect so if I understand, expectation creates this climate create yeah, expectation can create a better climate for communication if you know what I want and need from you in the relationship I know what you want and need from me.
We now have a clear climate in which to communicate where we’re not missing each other. We don’t have different differing definitions of love are what we need from each other. And then I got one more. One more. One mawr Climate builder is just commitment, commitment, simply the assumption of a future together. I know a lot of couples use words in their communication that undermine that. How many guys have ever said? Well, maybe we just shouldn’t be together. Oh, yeah. A lot of couples that go around the divorce word just we should probably just get divorced or I’m through with you.
Yeah, I’m done with this. I can’t do this anymore. All of those air phrases that say I’m not committed, right? And if somebody feels like you’re not committed, I’m telling you, the communication climate is going to suffer, I believe is why statistics continue to prove this has nothing to do with faith. Nothing. This is hard research stats. The couples that cohabitate are less likely to get married more likely to divorce if they married everyone is What would I let my wall down? if if If what you gonna do is, uh, not I don’t know, you not acknowledge me and all this environment stuff.
You sure? I mean, I’m not gonna I’m not gonna let you. Well, there’s living together without the commitment of marriage. There’s an underlying foundation of I don’t know if you’re fully here, right? You If we fight, you can leave in any moment, right? If you don’t like what I’m doing, you can leave at any moment. So there’s, like, an under home, like a low grade fever. This is always there that says, I don’t know if we’re fully committed, right, And that’s gonna kill a climate of like you said, Jason, where you’re gonna be vulnerable on nearly open to communicate something couples can rate themselves if they’re wondering why they can’t communicate.
Well, rate yourselves on those categories. Acknowledgement, trust, expectation, commitment. How are you doing? Yeah, and then figure out. Are there things going on that air killing those client I’m dealers, and if they are, you probably probably struggle. And if need be, like just take, take time out, like schedule it every week for you and your spouse to kind of sit down and talk about this. See where you are and kind of analyze each other and communicate these things. So you know where you are. All right, well, that’s it for communications.
Thank you, Eric. And waited. All right. Yeah. Yes, there is The RelationShop on Power 77 Radio.