[THE RELATIONSHOP] What Is Sex in the Proper Context? (Episode #4)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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This is The RelationShop where we kind of watch the relationship shows. We analyze them, dissect them and hopes to provide you with advice and tips to improve on your relationships. I’m Toya. I have Eric and Jason was going on. I’m fired up today because you can come at me today. I’m coming in talking today about sex. Yeah. Is that why you’re in your road? Zero. That’s why that’s why I’m buck naked. Gotta get in character so you can get this thing done. Here’s what we’re gonna do here we’re gonna do today.

We’re talk about sex outside of marriage, inside of marriage. What the world says about sex, what the Bible says about sex. My belief is God created us. So he’s the one that invented sex. So we need to know what he says. Toe Catch it in the proper perspective. But, Jason, I know you love those filthy shows on TV, so let’s let’s start with that. What you’ve been watching lately? No, they haven’t sex on those shows. You know, I’m a 90 day junkie, right? Yeah. I admit that I’m all right with that.

Yeah, you know, they have Okay, That’s the issue with those shows. You’ve got some couples that air like we got to get to know each other a little better. And then we got the other couples that just jumped right in, right off the bat. So? So it brings up some interesting scenario. What’s the right way? What’s the wrong way to go about this? Yeah. Did you catch it this last week? Toya. I did actually married at first sight. That’s right. Yes. So, actually, But before we get into that real quick, funny story when I was a kid and my mom would pick me up from daycare or school or whatever and of course, is the nineties So remember, Like, let’s talk about sex.

They let’s How about you and me now we’re done. So that’s all. That song will come on the radio. And it was like, I remember being young, thinking I can’t say that word sex in front of my mom. But I want to sing along. I still can’t say that word in front of my mom. Okay, I have a solution. Let’s talk about the the I kind of did it. That’s how you got around it. That’s how I don’t know what the word is and we’ll you do, But you’re not saying it.

And then the other song calling me that, uh well, you don’t you don’t stop, OK? I just had to let that out. That’s good. And we should do a whole show on boy bands. Nineties boy bands way could do classic rock. You know that? I could do a little bit of that. I might know a little little bit. Okay, Sorry. Okay, back, Back on track. Back on track with him from sex to you and your mom picking you up. Go on track. All right, let’s get that.

So, Merida, first sight Matt in Amber, Matt. And so again, let me give you a refresher. Matt is a ex pro international basketball player, and Amber is in middle school Teacher, So they you know, she was like, Oh, I love him. Just infatuated with him. They got in and probably like, the first night of the honeymoon. Oh, yeah, I think Yeah, Yeah. After they after they flew off to their destination and they have been getting it inconsistently, like every day. Yeah, but, you know, we bring them up about every show because they’re the most messed up.

A couple of the strangers about I don’t know have their issues, but they but they’re sexist. Five. Their sex is fine, among other things, and and then so that’s on one end of the spectrum, right, right with sex where they get in a lot. And then we have. And I’m gonna talk about GM, Deana and Greg because they’ve had sex that we know of on his birthday and issues like it will be good, you know, holidays. You can and you know, she said. She said that She said, If it’s good, then we can wait and you just make sure it’s work the way That was kind of what she said, and a refresher on them is.

They’re both believers, right? They’re both very active at their church. I cannot remember what she does as a job, but he owns his own like mentor ship program, but so they’re good financially, and she had not been in a relationship for 10 years and he was previously engaged, so that’s kind of what they’re bringing to the table. But that’s kind of so when I think of where we are in our culture. It’s like you either have people that are having a lot of sex before marriage in marriage.

Maybe, And then you have people on the other in that air, just like I have other things going on in life. And sex is not a top priority. So I kind of feel like that’s, well, you’re so you’re talking about You’re talking about two different mindsets there and that’s I think that’s the big issue is you got on one side, somebody saying, Well, hey, it’s the sex that brings on the relationship that makes it better. But then on the other side of that, somebody saying, Well, the relationship is what makes the sex better.

So you have two people thinking the same different thing. They’re thinking different things about this sex versus the relationship, and I think that’s where we’re seeing some heads. But it on on some issues and with some couples and then others, they’re just just going to town. So, you know, So yeah, eso Yeah, it’s Matt and Amber, you know? I mean, they’ve got so many issues, and that doesn’t seem to be one of so that’s Why I’m wondering, Are they Did they have it too fast too soon?

They really even know each other. And they’re just They just jumped right into physical. So physical was the most important thing. And then once physical, kind of wore out a little bit. There was no founding out on anything. What do you got? Left? Right? Has to help me out. What I’ve got left. I’m I’m just stuck on. I don’t know if you guys were saved. After watching all these shows, I should go down the Romans rodeo. Yeah, we’re supposed to transform. You’re gonna be wing of our minds.

You’re quoting your you’re sitting there naked quoting scripture at a John the Baptist had sackcloth and honey and nuts That what you call you call that sackcloth? Is that what that is? All right, way. Just call it what we want. Well, actually, actually, I’m stuck on I’m stuck on the holiday birthday sex couple. What? Give me the mindset behind that. She said just like this, she identify holiday. So what was her thinking? Like it would be more special if we just only do it once in a blue moon.

Pretty much coming. It was pretty much She’s just like he’s like, Well, what can we What? What do I need to do to get it more often? And she just said, I mean, if it was that, she’s like, I feel like it could be that good where we can just wait. Like it could be that good without practice would be like the first time every time for the guy waits quarterly. Exactly. Although if he gets himself one of those day planners like I got last time, do that thing has so many holidays you, like, have a single day.

My studio? Yeah. Holidays. What holiday? I don’t know that day. I mean, you could rack em up, I think, for that guy. Yeah, he needs to wrap him up because nothing else is working out for. Do they identify? She got any baggage in her past that tells her he’s the 10 year she hasn’t dated in 10 years. She just kind of closed up. And the last guy really hurt her. Obviously. So, um, they were sexually active. He heard her. And she just said, I’m gonna focus on me for 10 years and not focus on a guy or relationship, and that’s kind of where we are with her.

Yeah, and they seem to go on the A lot of times with, like, Hirsch, where I want to get to know and I give her that. You got to get to know the person, all that stuff. But you are married and she almost seems like the It’s again. I go back to kind of the control thing a little bit. Where, where, if it’s if it’s talked about and scheduled, she’s not comfortable with that. So it’s the birthday. That’s But that’s something that she consigned a surprise. Hey, it’s your birthday.

But if it’s one of those, that’s pretty schedule. So she likes it Scheduled? I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know about that. It all depends on if she feels like it. Yeah, that mean, are women really like our moves? Are women like that way? Bring your husband OK? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just mean my hand hurts tonight I e 20. Yeah. Kids been up all day. I thought I heard a knock at the door. I don’t know. Hey, it’s really in my first marriage. I knew when we had sex that it was time to pay my quarterly taxes.

Way went so it was consistent, e I guess you could call It consisted. Yeah, but something OK, OK, so all jokes aside, something a conversation I recently had with a mind. I was like, OK, so what? Why are we like that? And we kind of dead dug deep into and it was just like, you know, it’s all because of premarital sex. I mean, that’s really the issue, right? I mean, when your first day in your guy and you’re like, OK, I’m gonna have to give it up.

I’m gonna have to because, you know, he’s not a virgin. You know, you may or may not be, but you feel like that’s what you have to do to compete in the stay in the game, right? You want to be able to find a man that’s gonna be like, OK, this is the one. And nowadays it’s like that’s the only way you can find that guys, if you give it up. So you’re competing with other women because you want him to choose you because you may or may not be exclusive.

So you want him to choose you. And then after you get married, it’s like I want competitions over. Now I can focus on work. Now I can focus on babies now. I got him were good. And the sad thing is, is now you kind of flipped the script on your husband, Your now husband. Well, fellas, that explains you got Yeah, that’s it. So we know now that I got him? Yeah, that’s the key right there that I got him. So So you’re saying outside of marriage, you subscribe to the idea.

If I don’t take care of my man, some other girl’s gonna take is exactly, But then in marriage, you’re expecting that not to be the case because you’re like, Oh, we have vows were married. Now he’s not gonna do that to me. I am now his wife. We have that title. We have this role, and that’s okay. But off the top of your head on one or two hands, how many couples do you know? Not just like way out there, but close to you. Who had affairs in marriage?

A lot. Yeah, a lot. So So? So maybe switching the game up is not working. It’s not working because we’re modeling something, and then we’re trying to flip is like they say, you play how you practice, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s preaching that right now. We got a whole dating problems way, have a whole dating problem, and it’s just like man purity. I just Aren’t there any virgins out there? I mean, I just know you’re not having the same issues I know you’re not know Well, here.

I mean, okay, so it’s the emphasis on the dating what you’re talking about, because what do we emphasize on dating? Oh, man, he looks good. She way. Start out with physical right off, right off the top. You have that? You know, we got a live together. We got to do all this first because physical. If I’m not working, then the rest of it doesn’t work. In my personal opinion, you got it all backwards. Exact. Now you’ve done this physical rat you dated. Whatever. 234 years and you’ve done all the physical.

And then you get into marriage and you finally do that. And then that intimacy, that relationship part of it now has to be exposed because the physical is just just physical. It’s just well, you know, Eddie Murphy says that you just wake upto You’re starving, man. I’d love crackers, but if you’re not starving like I just got an old cracking, I wrote it. I read a quote. I read a quote by Woody Allen the other day. He said, I don’t know what the question is, but the answer. Sex.

That’s kind of the world we live in. The problem. Sex has become a god. And so that’s it. Teoh to try to do any like toilets that a minute ago she mentioned the word purity, and I think that’s part of the problem, even for Christian couples outside of marriage. We’ve been teaching them to pursue absence. Just don’t do it just white knuckle it. You just do you got the technical versions will do everything except intercourse. So I’m still a virgin technically, rather than if you pursue purity.

That’s a whole different ballgame. And that actually will translate into your marriage, because if you have a purity of mind as a general rule for your life, you’re not going to step out in adultery. You’re not going to be struggling with pornography, you’re not going to be dealing with masturbation. A lot of the other things that because part of the problem is the mistake I’m seeing a lot of singles make is they somehow believe that all their sexual issues and frustrations will be satisfied when they get married.

And what we’re actually realizing is most of those things were magnified. Yeah. So talk to the single right that says, Ah, man, I’m so sexually frustrated. I’m like, Hey, you know what sexual frustration is you laying next to your buck naked wife, but she will not give you in. Yeah, that’s in a bed by myself. Then later, that that close to the fruit and you have no teeth going, get to take a bite. So really, Yeah, absolutely. Has a point. I mean, that’s well, you brought the pornography.

I’m gonna throw this out. Nobody ever really talked about this, but what I call female pornography, which is all those those we gooey shows, romantic movies and all that stuff. So they’re painting this picture of this is what women have to do to get this guy. And so mentally we’re preparing people for failures. What? We’re doing, which set them up for failure with that? Yeah. So you know, I mean, it’s it’s coming from both sides. I know. I know this didn’t happen with you guys because you’re so spirit on committed and selfless.

And you mentioned earlier the idea of competition right outside of marriage. You’re competing? Yep. I used a different word, but it’s the same thing. I say that sex outside of marriage. So premarital sex is all about performance the world’s about. You want to be good. You want them to think you’re good you want. And so many people are willing to do almost anything. Yeah. Yeah. And then they get married. And now that marriage sex is not about performance is supposed to be about intimacy and commitment. Right?

So now that I’m trying to be intimate and connected and committed with my spouse, I don’t want to do some of the stuff I was doing outside of marriage because actually, I thought that was gross. And so now I’m not doing it in the marriage. And then one spouse feels like hold up. Yeah, I got this one we’re dating right now that we got married, and you all a sudden, like, pulled the rug out from under. Yeah, they’re not doing that. We’ve just decided that the rules outside of marriage is performance, but in marriage is not about that anymore.

So I see a lot of couples run into that. Usually it’s on the men’s side, where the women are doing things they don’t really want to do. And then they get in the marriage and the guys like, Hold up, man. I thought we were. We were all about this anywhere, anything, any time. And now it’s like everything’s gotta be ride that the neighbors can’t be talking too loud. The weather has got to be right. And so I think we’ve set ourselves up with this performance. First commitment, right?

It’s like we go from, say my name. I need to be number one less fluff. The pillows way go from that to that, and it’s just like turn off landless fluff, the pillows I want to sleep all night and that’s it. I remember you telling me that story about your honeymoon, Jason. You were like, say, what’s my name? And she’s like, it’s a story of that. I think you may have made that try to help. Tough into like is Jake’s point. Your name is not tonight. That’s about it is a guy.

So I just want to encourage all the men like I just want to encourage you like I don’t like like don’t make. And I don’t know, because I know the women. They need to work on themselves to women. You need to love yourself enough to know that a man is gonna come without you having to have sex and competing. And men encourage your woman like like don’t Don’t pressure her into that, thinking that she needs to compete because I promised. If y’all do not do anything before marriage, your sex life will be great.

I have a friend of a friend who was a virgin before she got married. And her and her husband have no intimacy issues like the experiment, they have fun. Frequency is on point. And again, this is a friend of a friend. So that just then I don’t know, e, I don’t even know. This girl is a friend of a friend. But she was like, Yeah, like they are good in the sex department toys and all. 00 we just opened a whole another box. Yeah, you did personal. That’s personal.

But I’m just saying we talk about that. What? What? Let’s talk about that for just a minute. We’ll go re along on it, OK? Our toys okay. For Christian couples? Um, yeah. I mean, okay. I mean, because it’s not because again, the sex part of it is if you’re focusing in on on intimacy versus sexual stuff in this, the intimacy part of it is there. And that just comes out and playfulness and all that stuff. I mean, you just talked about laying next to your buck naked wife, not being able to touch her.

So I look at that the other way. That a healthy relationship like that? It’s funny exploring. Yeah. I mean, I’m not saying crazy. I don’t know how crazy you’re talking Toya. And that’s I guess you got to find toys. But don’t don’t look at me. You’re looking because I don’t mean anything, like it’s just such a why. I mean, and I don’t even know everything that’s out there. But I’m just talking about like, you know, feathers. So are you know, anything I skin molting of an animal.

Okay, so really, I was just talking about PlayStation afterwards. Agent in the room? Yeah, I’m talking about Okay that I’m talking about. I’m a dress up like a pharaoh tonight. Dressing up. Uh, wait, let me say this is We jumped out Toya. I think that was a set up question. He faded it. I would say Right. The bible says, keep the marriage bed here. Yeah. The Bible says that our bodies are not our own. And so the idea in marriage is mutual desire. So we shouldn’t do anything that once not.

Okay, well, right. I think the danger of you’re not gonna find a verse that says thou shalt not include toys, right? Right. Here’s the danger. When you start bringing anything into sexual intimacy in your marriage, it does have the ability to disrupt God’s design and maybe even corrupted. So let’s let’s talk. Let’s talk dildos for a minute. So here’s what I do know. I don’t know a lot about him. I’m a dude. Here’s what I do know. I do know that no man can stay as stiff as long as a dildo can, which is forever.

I do know that no man can move away. Some toys can vibrate. So if a woman’s body gets used to something that the man can’t naturally do at some point do you become dependent on the toys? And now I think you’re getting. And then here, let’s go back to Since Jason keeps bringing up me being naked and laying next wife, let’s say that you are frustrated because your spouses of meeting your needs and in the top drawer you’ve got something to take care of yourself. Do you not think the temptation is gonna be well, since you know I’m not feeling them right now, here’s a thing.

Part of us when when sexual embassy is exclusive with our spouse, it forces us to do the work of the relationship so that we have a connection so we can meet their. So sometimes that’s hard. When your spouse is angry at you, they’re not feeling you whatever it is. So now I got to go make the relationship right before we can turn the physical intimacy right. If I’ve got a toy or something, it’s like, you know what? That’s such hard work to go deal with them OK, so where where is the line?

Where is the wisdom line and playful, So actually fun but would draw the line here. I would say it should only occur when you’re both together. I agree. Why? By mutual consent. Yeah, And even in that case, I just think you’re the possibility of setting yourself up for a place where now me and my spouse can’t even get all the way to climax without the addition of these things Because we’ve gotten used to. So you’re saying that from now on your wife’s gonna be expecting Faeroe every time you come to bed is fair.

Oh, you gotta be Faeroe every time. Because now you’re set the stage. Just get a fair old tattoo on my chest. Threats to go. That’s in every time. I guess so. And I guess because the example I gave was a, You know, a couple of that started out as virgins. So because they started out his virgins, maybe they’re, uh they don’t have anything else to compare it to, you know? So maybe when then when they get married, it’s all their foundation is set on it being them together, right?

So I guess that’s kind of what I meant when it comes to. And you know, of course, I don’t know the specifics on the different toys and things, but based on that example of a couple saying, Hey, look, all we know is each other and every when it comes a sexual things, it’s just us and they have that understanding. Then I’m just like, Okay, so what about the What about the, You know, as you get older women, I assume women get older sensitivity. All that changes. So what if they need a little absolutely, absolutely.

Factors are not going to tell people. Hey, we can’t You know this about the wife’s dry. You can’t use any lube. You’re not going to say that. But all I’m saying is when you add things in the body, can get used to him, right? You don’t want to get yourself in a position where you just can’t take care of each other and enjoy sex without the addition of. And that’s just where communication is so important, like, especially with sex, because it’s a fun adventure. So, like experiment with your spouse and talk about what each other likes and what you don’t like in.

I mean, it’s just a part of the whole thing. And I feel like it’s growing and ever changing throughout your whole marriage, and it’s just fun, like talk to each other. Don’t just assume this is not gonna be well or, you know, just continue to talk to each other throughout your sex life. I mean, because it’s going to change. And who knows? Like, one person might be nervous to talk about one thing and then come to find out the other person doesn’t like I am in one that too.

But I just didn’t know are you know, like, well, whatever. Now when the motto here is this, he’s gonna he may come home the day he comes home with a twinkle in his eye way need to talk about Yeah, very wide seating. I’m telling you all this whole competition thing I’m like, Yeah, man, I I’m guilty. Yeah. So I’m just like OK, but you know what we’re talking about? It’s not I mean, for a lot of this, I don’t mean maybe this is just me and my age group, but we didn’t talk about it growing up.

In fact, you don’t talk about you don’t bring it up. You don’t mention that you don’t nothing. So so you. You take that into a marriage and also that’s hard. It’s hard to talk about something. So yeah, I mean, talk to your kids about it, right? So, yeah, sure being there, hearing about anyway. So So here’s the deal. God created sex for the institution of marriage, period. The Bible’s real clear, right? If you look in the Book of Genesis of Genesis one, he talks about the man and woman being created and the two of them coming together and being fruitful and multiplying.

So God created design marriage. One of the aspects of sex is procreation. That’s why a man and a woman fit together, and no other combination of people fits the same way because part of the aspect of their union is appropriated. Then a Genesis two. He talks about the 21 would leave the mother and father, and the two will become one flesh. And so there’s a unity or oneness aspect of sex. That’s what it was designed to do. That’s why, outside of the commitment of marriage, it could be dangerous because we keep creating oneness with people, and then when the relationship doesn’t last, it’s so much more painful because we’ve created oneness.

Then if you read the song of Solomon and Proverbs and different books like that, you see clear that he also designed it for pleasure. There’s a pleasurable aspect to sex that’s that’s a quick theology of sex. That’s why God designed it for the context of marriage, outside of marriage is all it’s always gonna lead to disruption and danger and destruction. That’s just what it is. But if we have some people listening who are not Christians, that didn’t care about the Bible, All right, let me give you some reasons not to have sex way.

Here we go. Let me give you some reasons for that. We all know based on research now that the brain does stuff leading up to, during and after sex hormones or release oxytocin. Here’s the thing we talked. We talked about stress earlier. When you’re stressed, most people go to something. I had lunch with the guy today when he stressed he drinks a lot of people. When they’re stress they look at porn or masturbate. Reason is because The climax releases oxytocin, which oxytocin fights against cortisol, which is the stress.

And so you stresses lowered dopamine is released. Vasopressin release. There’s a number of chemicals released during sex that makes you high number one and makes you prefer the person you’re having sex with. Their appearance, their smell, their touched their shape over anybody else. They’ve done research on this. They’ve shown pictures to spouses of their spouse and measured the brain and saw how oxytocin and stuff starts. Lighten up, right? So when you’re having sex with someone you’re not married to yet, you’re high. And when you’re high, you don’t make great decisions soon.

And so a lot of couples are having sex and the sexual relationship probably going back to that couple in the 90 day fiance, Amber and Greg with their names. Okay, Yeah. Madden. Amber. Yeah, you guys don’t pretend you don’t get their names. Go at the European journeymen basketball. Okay, so what happens is a couple like that feels like their relationship is more connected than it really is, because the sexual relationship is putting a Band Aid and masking the true intimacy. Emotional, physical, maybe spiritual, intellectual. So for a lot of couples.

They can’t even make a clear decision about whether or not they should marry this person because the sex is clouding their clarity. So if you’re listening and you’re dating and you’re really wondering, is this the right person for me? And you’re seeing red flags and mess and all this stuff? I promise you fast from sex. For the next 90 days, your eyes will open wide, and I promise you can see the other person’s character hated when they’re not getting it. For 90 days, you’re gonna see what this person looks like when they’re frustrated and see what this person looks like.

When they can’t use a tool, they no longer have to get in the relationship. So, outside of a biblical approach I get, I could sit here and give you, ah, 100 practical reasons to abstain in a dating relationship. So you can. Now we’re talking about a show that I have no sex for 90 days. No. Have your eyes open. Well, okay. Going back. Teoh married at first sight. The two couples we talked about and I guess this isn’t a spoiler alert, but this is one of those things where the ones that had sex a lot wound up getting divorced exactly once and didn’t are working it out?

I don’t know. Good foundations set a good foundation. All right, Go get dressed, Derek. And this is The RelationShop. Thank you so much for listening. And I’m Toya. We have Eric and we have Jason.

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