The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.
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This is The RelationShop where we talk, all things relationships. So I’m Toya and I have with me Eric and Jason and we were talking about healthy characteristics. Marriage? Yeah. So what we gonna get into, like, a first after apologize for my intro being holiday? Because that’s like 1992. But anyway, yeah, way talking characteristics of the healthy relationships. And so this week, I’m a throw one out. It seems a little bit messy. My little off may be different for some people, but I’m gonna throw out the word purpose, and we get spirits on you on the front end would get practical.
Don’t worry for all you non spiritual people. But there’s a verse by a innocuous Old Testament prophet named Amos in Chapter three of his book in the Bible. Verse three, it says, Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction Seems basic. That seemed like a pretty good proverb, right there can two people if they’re not in agreement about where they’re going, can they actually walk together? The implied answer is no. So that leads us to purpose in marriage. If you and your spouse or future spouse have different goals or different purpose for your life.
Vision for your life. Can you walk together successfully and in a healthy way? That’s what I want to throw out today. So, what do you guys think about that? I think you lost me on innocuous, not holla and knocking. I’ve been reading the dictionary during the daytime way. You read in the nineties dictionary? Apparently. Holler purpose? Yes. Yeah, that’s a tough one. Right? Right. So when I think of that, I’m gonna take it back to MEREDITH first. Sites? No. Here. You got to start with that, right?
We gotta start married at first sight. And I’m thinking of the couple. Jaimee and Elizabeth. Train wreck. All right, so Jamie is a profession. I think he’s an accountant, and Elizabeth is a free spirit. Very, very free. And when I look at them, it’s first of all, they argue every episode, they threaten divorce every single episode. And I try to look at the purpose. Like, of course, we know most of these couples on all these shows. Their purpose is I want to be happy, right? I When I get married, I’ll be happy This is what?
This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. So they think that it’s gonna happen overnight. And what we realized with Jamie here recently that his purpose was sex. Yeah, right, Right. Right. Well, and that’s it. When you get these one on one interviews with him with all of them, they all say I’m looking for somebody. Acts been my tywin, Fred, somebody. We just share the same watch, and then the cameras go and do they get in the life? And I just want sex, right? So, yeah, I mean, I would say that’s his purpose.
I was He wouldn’t say that was his purpose. No, but it’s clear, but that seems to be his purpose. But But But But what do you go from? That? I mean, with him, Purpose caches. Purpose just seems to be like to control or the racetrack. Did you watch the racetrack? Yeah, I went out on the racetrack. Yeah, she didn’t know the guy was given the instructions, right? Jumped Oliver and told her to shut up in front of everybody. And that started twice. Yeah, Yeah, Twice. But he doesn’t just I mean, he gets mad So?
So his purpose is I I think sex is just a controlled part of it off. Has it all that stuff. So his purpose? I don’t know what what we found. No. And I think that both of them is happiness, but his was clear with the sex, but it’s like it makes you think of couples that, you know, right, right? And so it’s like like you when you got married, which is for sex. What was that purpose? Like, You know what? What was your purpose in men? And then I’ll go now You go 1st 0 Yeah.
I got a nice my purpose. Nice. My purpose at 19 was yes, sex and play PlayStation when sex was over. Uh, I mean, really, Honestly, though there wouldn’t. There was even at that young age, I thought, you know, this will make me happy. This will make me happy. But it’s so my marriage, When I actually got married, I thought I was getting married for the right reasons thing. You know, this will make me happy. This is this is my best friend. All this that you know. But but the reality of it as life went on.
It exposes on both parts. What? What? You really in it for itself or someone else? So would you say, if you had to put it into category? I’m not saying everything falls into categories, but as you’re talking, I just trying to think, um, at 19. What I what? I don’t think the funny thing is, I say that you how old I was when I got married. Yeah. 20. No one is calling you out. 19. Like, what do you want? Full? Yeah, you’re waiting with year with your bleach blond boy band.
That was partly in the marriage. I have the bullet. Will I have the a was popular in 94. The South American Slash European soccer. Mullet, bro. That was tight when that thing was wet and I was running. I mean, that’s when Jill fell in love with me. She saw it waving in the wind. It was like, man bearing too many romantic look, but bad that Greste back to my point where some people get it was your marriage too? Escape something or to gain something in some people I know who get married younger, like I just got to get away from my family.
This is my escape. But I don’t think from what I know of you, I don’t think family life was that difficult. I need to run. I think it was more what you were saying may be gaining something. Well, it was getting and honestly go back, cause now I’m remarried and we talk about this. Why the heck did you get married in 19? Thinking back on it. I mean, I was tight with my buddies right now. My buddies went off to college and I stayed here for college. And also nothing there was nothing.
And so all of a sudden, now somebody filled that Nothing. And I think I think I equated that feeling of nothing as in 11 love, right? Yeah. So? So I think that’s really what it was. Maintains he was feeling a need that you had in your life. Yeah, because if you went off to college or have buddies you’re running with, you probably wouldn’t bet on your radar. No. No. Yeah, but being stupid back then gave me a better purpose for my marriage today, so I mean, I’m not saying do it that way, but yeah, I mean, So basically, you had no real purpose when you got married.
Others not idea. But what about you Toya me? It was Well, first of all, we were already shacking. Yeah, Theo, Then let this is way, way back. This is old Toya. You’ll never never met this. This is pre salvation. Sanctified to you her. So I had I had the job that I wanted the car that I wanted. We were shocking. So it’s It’s like, Look, I mean, we’re not gonna break up, so let’s go ahead and get married. I mean, I like you. You like me? I mean, granted.
Oh, we we dated for, like, seven years old. So it was more than like it was more than like, Okay, you got to take some time to really make sure you get t o. Make sure we knew move too fast. Yeah. No, no, no, not too fast. And of course, a mob was like, we got to get the money right for the wedding. We heard that, right? Okay, So anyway, we did that, but it was more okay. We’re living together. I have everything else. Like now it’s time for the wedding like that was it’s time for the big day because we already have been through a lot.
So why not? You know, I don’t want to start over with somebody else. So let me ask you this as a female perspective with the wedding partly part of your purpose living for that wedding. I’m a girl. So yes, not even gonna lie. I mean, you know, you look forward to wearing that dress and walking down the aisle and like, Okay, it’s time. You know, it’s time that some old thing going back to that for that 90 day fiance when Elizabeth and Jamie have no the episode, they that he got so mad at her.
But she looks like my dress like, Hey, hey, just couldn’t handle that right, you know, And honestly, as a girl, I can say like I get it because it’s a day we dream about, but because they don’t have a foundation, they’re still getting to know each other. He looked at it as her being shallow. And who knows? Maybe she’s been insecure her whole life. And finally she felt beautiful. And so she was voicing it, you know, like, who knows, But you’re not the whole point of the wedding shallowness.
Check me out. Everybody comes here your your day pictures of us and look at all That s so Jill and I had a We had a real solid purpose for getting married. Um, mind waas that I thought she looked good and she was school. So that was why were you guys very solid? Good start. Yeah, that’s a That’s a home run right there. I don’t know. It’s funny. We talk about talking about these concepts now, on the importance of, um I really, really yet to meet somebody who I won’t say.
That is rare. That I come across somebody that had a purpose in my or saw themselves as a couple with a greater purpose. Just I’m if you really think about it. Most marriages are two people using each other. Yes, right. Mutual. Hey, that’s what we should do, because that is not even actually Mark inspirational cars. Yeah, the the instead of the wedding card will be mutual manipulation. There you got man, Congratulations on your your contract for mutual manipulation. Home where as well work because that’s women. We have a ticking bomb going off if you want kids so you guys don’t have that ticket demand right now we’ve got people running for the hills of marriage Chicken Bob’s.
But no, If you want a baby, it’s like, OK, I need to her and get married so we can have some time to ourselves and then we can have a baby Most most, you know. So we want to hurry up and get this going so we can start a family and then we’re OK, Yeah. Makes it our Let me ask you this so purpose, because you brought up a good point. As far as you know, most people don’t get in really know on purpose. So its purpose something you’re really know going in or is that something just kind of develops over time.
When you develop together, it should be. But if you didn’t, you can develop it. So I think that’s the good news. Ah, lot of us didn’t go in with the right mindset, but I think you can come together with your spouse and create a vision for where you guys want. So here’s the reality. The reality is we all got married for a purpose. Yeah, The problem is, it’s not usually a mutually mutually agreed upon purpose, right? We got married for think about all the reasons people got married.
You said it to fill a void. Some people is to take care of their loneliness. Some people is financial gain haven one. Salaries, great to salaries is better. Some people. It is companionship. Some people, it’s as Toya’s said start a family. Some people who are trying to walk out a faith of celibacy, both outside of marriage, some of them The motivation is a marijuana. I want to get into marriage so I can have sex or the people who are shocking to feel guilty about it. Awesome, guilt free legal sex.
But there’s lots of different reasons. Here’s where the problem comes in. If if the the reason that you got married at some point ceases to exist, you’re gonna want to get out of the marriage because the reason you got married is no longer there. If I got married for financial gain, but now my spouse finds herself out of work or decides one day, you know, I just want to be a stay at home dad or mom, then now, But the whole reason I got married was for financial upward mobility.
And now that that’s gone, I’m gonna start questioning relationship because the purpose has now disappeared. Thing this guy, if you say it’s sex, man, what happens if that stops occurred? That’s why they had an argument. Yep. He’s like we don’t have enough sex. And she’s like, What do you mean? We have sex, like, three times a week, four times a week. And he’s like, we should be having sex every day. When you do an episode on that, what is what? Frequency is acceptable. And Mary, that’s another time.
That way at another time. Yeah, well, me. Okay. So what if are you saying that I’m do my marriage is not gonna be great if my purpose is different than her probes? Do we have to share the same purpose? I think there has to be some shared purpose, but I think you can also have some individual dreams and visions too. But where they’re competing at some point will be difficult. Let me give you this quote. I heard somebody wants say, I think it was Pastor Conway at my church.
He once said. If the pain of your marriage becomes greater than the purpose of your marriage, you’ll want to get out, right. So if you don’t have something common that’s driving you in the moments of difficulty, then there’s gonna be times when you go, this is too much. This isn’t worth it. It’s so maybe we need toe, do a little bit of a shift awards. Our purpose is driven by kind of the vision that we have for ourselves. And I think at the core of that are what we would say is core values, every one of us, whether we know it or not, every one of us has a set of core values that drives what we do.
The problem for a lot of people is they haven’t them really identified it. So you have singles, if their singles listening today, I would say Before you even think about married, you need Teoh, identify one of the core values that are gonna drive your life and what you do. Maybe if your spear so what you feel God’s called you to do. If you don’t know your set of core values, then you may find yourself marrying somebody with a different set. But if you know yours, you will be able to more quickly identify.
Should I be with this person or not way we need to shift a core value. So when you’re saying core values, I mean, that’s that sounds deep. Are you talking deep like my core values is church or my core values? Is it? Yeah, that does sound light, like deep like Oh, and most people would be like, You know, one of my core values is honesty. Come on, that’s like, This is anybody’s not. Does anybody get married and go? Hey, I value dishonesty. It’s so great when my spouse deceives me.
I love it, but I think one thing and I So I’m talking about the things if you wanted. Here’s a good way to do it. If you say I have no idea what my core values I need to figure out what is. I need you look at your calendar and look at your bank account and where you’re spending your time and your money will give you some insight into some things you value. Let’s let’s throw out. So what do you think when you think about people you know, friends.
What are some things people value my kids activities, kids, activities, kids and activities of the same. It seems like this. Gosh. But you know, there, kid active, there are people where that is, that is their life. You know, every single day kid is involved in something, and that’s pretty much there. Nor the purpose develops and becomes kids. And then that can be I mean, okay, so there’s argument there a little bit because someone said, My kids come first. My kids come first. I mean, that can’t can’t be totally healthy, right?
But not healthy at all. I mean, but that’s what we do. I would completely agree. I mean, little Jim has got a soccer game on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and I’ll squeeze somebody else there, you know, practice. And then that might be a whole another part that might be right after sex. Talk about the priorities. Yes, but I know for us right now it is financial freedom. So that’s kind of where we are on the same accord. And everything flowed from from that, you know? So we don’t argue about money being spent because we know the goal and where a line.
When it comes to that topic, you already way ahead. 90% 90%. That’s good. So let’s let’s dig into that. That’s a great example. Tokyo So you’re saying right now you into my one? Your core values for your relationship is financial freedom, financial freedom. So you’re doing a number of things? Yes, based on. Here’s the other thing. You can throw out a core value, but a core value has toe have some practical action points with so toe find financial. Well, let’s let’s go all the way top and then work our way back.
The reason you value financial freedom is because of some purpose that you’re trying to move towards the financial freedom plays into it. So what’s the purpose? Oh, gosh, just we’re getting too personal. No, you’re not getting too personal. It’s just the financial freedom. What? What has driven us to that is living mawr of a ministry based lifestyle. So meaning we want to be able to serve mawr but not have the lock down of responsibility of any debt and things like that. So in the past, in our marriage, it’s always been Okay, We have these bills, these cardinals, this going on.
And that’s what drove everything, was that? And so now we want to get to where it’s like. We don’t have to worry about that. Were more Frito Live for God, like every single day. So So you guys have always been on that. I mean, were you always together on financial freedom? No. So this took a long time. A time when you weren’t, He wasn’t. He’s always kind of teeter tottered. And me, I’m just like, what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine. That’s your money. You do that.
So we had to kind of get to where it’s like, No, we’re together. We’re on the same vision. We have the same goal. Have you seen that? What have you seen that? Do I mean I mean, some people might say I mean, you know, in financial stuff like that, that’s eventually that’s a ticking time bomb. That somebody So some people say. But you really have to get on the same accord and know the goal, and you bought both. Have to be passionate about that goal. Now it’s just so much peace.
Yes, we’re on a budget. But we know where everything is going, and it’s just so much. It’s just peace. I mean, that’s like the best word to describe where we are when it comes to finances, because that has kind of laid the foundation for everything else. Like everybody’s going out to eat today. Do we have it to go out to eat? Let’s look at our fund money, OK? No, let’s have a movie night at home and have fun. And we’re good with that because we know our vision in the long term press.
So here we go. This is this is perfect. You should do your purpose. What? You guys feel you and you’ve discovered. So you didn’t start marriage with this. Which is why this is a perfect example. Even if you didn’t start the right way as you learn each other and get in your rhythm is a couple you can, And I’m sure through much prayer for you guys determine what is God called. You guys is a couple to Dutilleux. That and your answer was part of our purpose is to do ministry together.
And you realize that having no financial margin actually made you say no to ministry opportunities because you’re stuck on. We gotta have the car in the house and all these kind of things. So the purpose was we want to be able to have the flexibility to do ministry when God calls us to do something and not be stuck trying to chase something else. Now, one your core values is gonna help you accomplish your purpose is financial freedom. And because of that, you’ve taken financial peace, university classes.
You even I think you guys teach some of it. You’ve got your budget you get. And so its your core value answers a lot of the questions that couples may be fighting again. You guys don’t even fight about it because it’s already dictated because you’ve decided that’s a core value. Exactly. That’s use. What do you I don’t want to follow me. Oh, what do you do? You and Lisa feel like you’ve come up with a a kind of unified purpose yet or individual purposes. That kind of play together, I mean, really were at the point where, at the point in our relationship now where everybody’s getting over, the kids are coming out of the house it really our time.
We have to be careful cause we’re self. It was with our time with each other. So our purpose really was because we both came from bad circumstances. We didn’t want to make those same mistakes twice. So our purpose became really getting to know each other, the communication with each other. So we didn’t We didn’t repeat what we just came out of. And so that became that That has become our sole purpose. Now what I’m figure out, which is a good thing, because I know I would have said maybe I had purpose of my other one.
But as time goes on, time will reveal if your purpose is selfish and not so. If you really want to reveal it, let the kids get out of the house when it’s just you and your spouse, and then you’ll find out if your purpose really magic you you’ll find that really brings up all kinds of. So it sounds like you guys initially part of your shared purpose, Waas, we’ve got maybe correct. Some of the mistakes of the past are unhealthy, so we can create the kind of environment that honors God are or that we can thrive in.
And so maybe, is you move forward and praise God. Get some of the kids out the house I begin dreaming about okay, now that we don’t have those responsibilities, what we do as a couple. So here’s what core values do for you. As you saw with Toyota Mod. Our core values help us drive towards our purpose. But core values really service your guard rails and marriage. They kind of tell you where you’re going to go on where you’re not going to go. And that’s why couples who have a lot of couples can actually get away with competing core values for a period of time as long as there’s enough margin of time, money and energy.
If that makes sense, I’ll give. I’ll give you some examples, Let’s say to A couple gets married and one of them values. One of their core values is travel. They love travel. Hey, I’m the kind of person. Once 1/4 I’m a traveling to see the world, whether spouse that they don’t love it that much, they don’t they’re okay doing it, but they don’t value what they actually value is they love entertaining. They want to have people over. I’m the house where the parties air at that kind of stuff.
So here’s what that requires in that that couple it requires a bunch of money over here in this pocket for travel, right and in a bunch of money over here in this pocket so that we can have a big house that’s got the outdoor kitchen and a pool and everywhere to entertain so that with a big house comes a big mortgage. So as long as there is plenty of money, they’re gonna have the big house. They can entertain and they can go on vacations whenever they want.
And if if he don’t want to go with her, she can go on a girlfriend trip and everybody’s happy. But as soon as things start shrinking their margin, either they don’t have enough money or there’s kids around. So now it’s like you can’t travel, cause then I got the kids and I got to work. So when that margin shrinks now, they’re competing values start causing problems, right? Which is why it’s so important. Toe have some shared values. Yeah, totally. I think sometimes people think like you said to start up a man that sounds really deep.
Sometimes we think, like core values of these super spiritual, they’re just regular. Let me give you one for us. A Ah lot of couple. I’ll come back to faith because a lot of couples that I talked to in the church say I eat face a core value, but I want to know practical action. What is your faith look like? How do you walk out your fake? And some people’s faith is why just have relation with God and somebody else’s faith is I’m connected in church. I tied part of a small group that’s a lot different than I believe in God, but one of the core values for Jill and I that we kind of just stumbled into.
And it happened to be the same as we value family. So not just our nuclear family, but being around our extended family. And so what this looks like practically is We used to live in Oregon, where her family is from, so that was easy. Then, when we had a holiday, we go see my family in Colorado. Everybody’s happy. Then we decided to move to Texas. So now we’re not around either family. So for the past 14 years, every single December at Christmas time, we fly to Oregon to be with her family.
Here you go, because we both value family and then usually it Thanksgiving time. We’ll go to Colorado. My parents will come here. But if it was not a shared value, here’s what would happen in the Wooten household. Uh, probably roundabout when you start booking tickets around about late October early November. Let’s say I didn’t value family the way she does. Here’s how that discussion would go. Hey, bad. We’re gonna go up. Teoh. My family, my parents for Christmas again this year. Okay. Ah, how about know? How about I don’t want to spend my vacation time and my vacation money toe fly to somewhere.
That’s gonna be 42 rainy when I can fly the other direction to the Caribbean and for the same price and the same vacation time I can enjoy my beach. We would fight every single Christmas we would fight because she would value family and I would value sitting on a beach. That’s why core values so important we never have that fight. We have never had to fight in 14 years. So what you’re saying is that something you better figure out early? I mean, we’re so cut me. You know, everybody out there just about including myself when you’re dating your all Wait about.
Maybe I love your bleak fun hair and please say holiday to me again. You know, that’s all you’re worried about is his impression. And we I I didn’t I didn’t care. I didn’t think about core values or what my about my own values. A little low, more heroin values. Where? So So? So what do you do with that? I mean, well, that’s the problem. So those listening who are single, you need to spend some time thinking about what you value most. And if you are clear on your core values, then it will be a lot easier to tell if the potential life partner you’re thinking about hooking up with he is somebody who will work with you if they have the same values.
And if they don’t, I’m telling you, you’re set up for a long season and mayors of difficulty. So is it fair to say that because they again going back to? They all say, I just want to be happy when I have. So can we take happy as a core value off the table? Because to me, what’s gonna happen is if that’s my core value going in, I just won’t be happy. And also now, all of a sudden, up the road, it didn’t look what I thought it was gonna Glaxo.
Now, you know, my core values now tossed out the window, and I got nothing. I mean, we’ll let Toya into that one. Has your marriage been completely happy? No, not no is not. Thought that was really I mean, so And I was going to say it back to what you were saying. Jason, uh, what was the example you just gave you said, um, about being happy? Um Well, that I mean, there’s being happy with us. What? We just lost my train of thought. So we go into the marriage, but we go into a relationship with worried about what they look like. What?
They said, you know, all that stuff, but so my core, I got it back. Okay, so you go in marriage saying like You know, I want to be happy, but there have to be some type of sacrifice with that. So it’s like, Yes, we’re talking about core values and everything, so that’s kind of like the big core value. But then you have to have more sacrifices under, and I have a great example. A mild loves Star Wars. Okay, now, it wouldn’t say I wouldn’t call that a core value of his, but it surely helped us to figure out what was more important.
Meaning, Like I had to learn how to sacrifice and sit down and watch Star Wars. And it took me about six months to watch her all I see in the notebook. I know what that No, but yeah, I had to sacrifice one movie. Oh, that is that one of you, like, dollars man card. Not that wars. You met Nicholas Sparks. Is Jason score value? My wife my core value? Uh, yeah, yeah. This is the measures to all the single people, like yes, definitely no, no. Your core value, But also know to be happy air quotes, you need to sacrifice some, figure out what you can sacrifice and been on just a little, Yeah, I would say toe to wrap up the idea of purpose.
If you’re single, identify the core values that drive your life as a single. And then if you’re look dating somebody, find out if their core values line up with your core values because that’s gonna be a huge part of success in marriage if you’re married already. And like all three of us and most of the world, you didn’t get married based on a shared purpose with a agreed upon set of core values. But you can find it as we’ve all proven by sitting down with your spouse and saying, Hey, together we’re better and we bring some traits of the table that the other person doesn’t have.
So when we put our strengths together, what is something that we could share and go after is a couple that would allow us to kind of walk in this idea of purpose. And I think if we’re focused on that stuff, our relationships, they’re gonna tend to get healthier a man. Can you follow that right? That’s it. All right, well, thank you all so much for listening to this show. Uh, the other topic which is purpose on healthy characteristics of marriage. So we have me, Toya, Eric and Jason.
And thank you so much for listening to Power 77 Radio.