[THE RELATIONSHOP] Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship – Community (Episode #2)

The RelationShop crew discusses relationships seen on reality TV (90 Day Fiancé, Married at First Sight, etc.) and throughout Pop Culture in order to provide good relationship advice that works.

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What’s up? This is The RelationShop where we talk all things relationships. We analyze them and dissect them and hopes to provide you advice and tips to improve your relationships. I’m Toya. And with me, I have Eric and Jason. I guess we’re doing it again, huh? Maybe. Oh, yeah. We’re getting this going. So what are we talking about? Well, we left off last time talking about the or at least teasing the idea of what is healthy relationship looked like. And so way mentioned. Let’s talk about a characteristic that we think healthy couples embody.

And that characteristic this week is community. Yeah. You thought it was gonna be something all inspiring? Just community. Feel good. Simple yet effective. Yeah. You know what community I’m a community can be a 1,000,000 things you can. That’s why we’re going to address it. Gonna talk about some of these shows and their lack or presence of and then talk about what that looks like in the lives of us as our marriages and the people who are listening to us. Right? Right. So when I think of community, it kind of takes me back to married at first sight and I’m thinking of Matt.

Matt have all met. So we have Matt. Who is it? Ex pro international basketball player. Remarried Amber. And she’s a schoolteacher school teaching you. She’s got some issues to see. Yeah, ok. Does anybody on those shows? Not. All right. All right. Go ahead. Yeah. Okay, so just a little backup. So, you know, they’ve been married for a few weeks, and she was infatuated with him, like, totally infatuated. Right? Right, Right. And he was just like, Oh, I love your eyes. You know, I think we’re gonna be grade.

And but come to find out, he’s actually left the house with his friends. Been out all night, Didn’t come back until the next day. And she’s crying like, Oh, he doesn’t care about me. So it’s kind of just a little backup, but when? But when I think about community with him, it’s like, who’s holding him accountable? Who does he talk to like? Why does he think it’s ok to do this in a new marriage? Yeah, I which I get that I totally get that. But I want to back my boy up a little bit now.

I’m not staying out all night not staying out all night. But the focus is definitely on her because she’s got this abandonment issues. Stuff for mom left. Yeah. So everybody’s focused on her and her abandonment, and I can see sometimes that being like, this is this is a lot of stuff to deal with right off the bat. I’ve only known you for three weeks, and now you’re dealing with the abandonment stuff, too, so I can see where he needs to escape a little bit. Ah, I don’t know.

Oh, come on. She works all day. They’re newlyweds. She just wants She just wants him to come home. Okay? My question is, what kind of environment does she provide for him to come home to? Is he staying away for a reason? Or is he just like to hang out with his buddies on camera off chemistry? We don’t know the off camera. We just we assume I mean, on camera, she seems all into him. Yeah, more than I want to see, but whatever. So you, Jason, you think there’s a healthy.

They have healthy differentiation in him going out. But what you’re saying You think he just out and not about the relationship. I don’t know if he was really ready for this. I think that maybe he liked the idea of a wife. Now. Okay, I give you this. Maybe her being so infatuated with him. He’s used to that he’s used to groupies. So I’m thinking that maybe he feels that from her. So maybe he wants toe get out because he was a basketball player. So think of all the countries he traveled to.

And, you know, he could have women always chasing after him. And maybe she reminds him of that. I don’t know, but hey could still come home. They’ve only been married for weeks. I agree with the coming home, but he needs to come home. But it seems like she starts panicking a freakin after a texture to No, till next afternoon. OK, I’ll give you that. Yeah, I give you that. But he had an explanation. We knew where he was. Wasn’t out hanging out with other women. She didn’t know where he waas, but yeah, I mean, I get a little communication would have been five, but But, man, give me a couple of text.

Maybe what? It is there any discussion of expectations on the front end of this? So they get married and then do they talk about what they’re doing? Because that’s part of it, right? Her expectation is I don’t know what may be. Her expectation is he’s home every night, cause why would my husband not want to spend every night with me and his expectation? Maybe. Hey, man. School to have my wife at home. But I still got hanging with my boys. So how can you say how often he’s out, is it?

We’ve done it twice. He’s done it twice. And how long they don’t show? You don’t have the got four weeks, maybe have a I don’t know. OK, I will say one of them. His buddy wasn’t He just spent the night at his buddy’s house by himself because he needed to get away. He needed a little escape for a little bit to reset. Basically what? So yeah, a whole another set of stuff. If he four weeks in, he needs a located away. Let me back story. A little bit of back story.

I gotta hang on, my boy. I’m out of a little bit. You have got some stuff. I get it. But his back story is to go back to community. His community was his family was like, close. And then Mama Dada split up and he didn’t talk to anybody. He didn’t have any community. I have family. So he doesn’t have this community and so I can see a little bit of you lost. You got it. Doesn’t know what to do. So he does not know what to do is just run.

Get by myself because I can’t deal with that’s going on here at the house. So his boys or his community? Exactly at this point, a good community. Are they pro marriage community or they pro Matt and you? Do you What? Because there is the other key, right? We can talk about community, but what kind of community do you have? We don’t know. We don’t know that. Yeah, we don’t know the community. Have they shown episodes? Really? We haven’t seen his friends since the wedding day. Well, that’s what they with community to I mean, you got it with community.

I mean, e just going in Matt’s head. I could see a guy like that going Okay, now. Do we need a community? Really? I mean, can’t we work this out on our own? Do we have to go outside? E? I mean, I could see him saying, as far as that marriage wise, shouldn’t we have a good marriage? I mean, why do we have to go out and ask others for help? What? Can we solve it ourselves? Why don’t we need that community? Why does he need a break for weeks in?

I mean, there’s So let me ask this year. Don’t give up before we go into that one, Jason, because I think that that’s Ah, interesting thought. But when it comes to relationship that there’s three thoughts, right, that and I want to know Toya what she’s like. So there’s independence right before you get married, where they kind of get married. But they’re both their own people, and they’re both going to do what they want. Anytime they want. That’s that’s independence. There is co dependence where they both got to be around each other all the time.

And when that’s what Jason was making it sound like whenever he’s gone, she’s like, Oh my gosh, where is that? It and so some couples there’s co dependence, and that’s not healthy. And then there’s What’s healthy is interdependence where there’s a relationship with each other. But there’s also some differentiation. I got my friends. I got some of my own life, but we’re still we’re still one. So would you say, Is this an issue of she may be co dependent based on her past, and he’s independent cause he’s like, You’re not going to control me or What’s the deal going?

Honestly, I don’t know that we’ve seen enough from. I mean, it’s easy to say that she might be co dependent, but she still works every day, so and she’s okay with him going out with friends work, Let me clarify. Just having a job doesn’t make you not co dependent. We’re talking about when you look at the marriage, is it? I can’t be alone. I can’t be without this person any time. They want to differentiate themselves if you view it as a threat to the relations because you go work all day and look independent.

But at the end of the day, your diet, you don’t have any other friendships that air healthy. You’re not doing your own thing. You’re like I need them. Okay, that Okay, so she might have a little bit a little bit. She might have a little bit of co dependency, but they’ve only been married for, like, 4 to 6 weeks. So it’s like, This is good right now. Just what? What’s two years? God Obey do does not want build a foundation. He’s scared to death. She shouldn’t. So the fact that you say a little means more than a little.

And when I’m looking to Jason’s face, too, he’s his face is saying away more than a little. And the fact that you say the fact that this early in marriage she’s already like that shows you because they’re getting married at first sight and not dating the interdependence should they should be more independent on the front end is what I’m saying. The fact that she’s already exhibiting some co dependence right early on, where I don’t really know you. Yeah, that’s an issue. Don’t get I mean, you know, I don’t if I didn’t come home, yeah, my wife would let me know.

I’m not saying I’m not saying that he was all innocent. Knew this and give him his freedom to go do. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have communicated, but I could see where he’s coming from. In the sense of I’ve only known her for three or four weeks. I’m trying to get to know her. And when we get you know, the 1st 2 weeks here and what the Bahamas wherever they were. I mean, it is life pretty tough in the Bahamas, but you get back home, and now all of a sudden her issue start to show up a little bit.

I’m not saying here that having either, but all of a sudden, now he’s gone for a few hours and we don’t really know. I mean, it makes it sound like he’s just gone for a few hours and she starts going. Where are you? Let me know. And now listen, she starts blowing up his phone and I could see where somebody who hasn’t had that before goes, Oh, wait a minute. I gotta have my I gotta I gotta have this little time to breathe a little bit before I jump back in.

That he should Yeah, it might be too heavy too soon. I get it I get it. So for somebody in the real world that’s having this issue What I mean, what what advice do you give? Who’s having the issue of different expectations in community like, Where did they go? What did they do to try to? That’s the big Quit. So here’s the big question on the table as it relates to community. When you and your spouse cannot resolve a conflict, what do you do? Write the answer.

For most couples who do not have community is we fight about it over and over and over again. Now it appears in different conflicts. So one time it’s about, you know, issue A next time is about issue, see? But the core of the issue is still we’ve never resolved the conflict that we have different expectations. So I believe that strongly in community and you guys know that you know me well enough that I believe the presence or absence of community and a couple’s life is maybe the key factor as to whether they make it go.

This that’s how strongly I believe in community. So if you cannot resolve something, you need some people you go to, you need some I would say it this way, and this will come back. Teoh what Jason mentioned earlier I would say, if you’re gonna be a healthy couple, you need other people in your business. Jason, go What? You were you were mentioning that earlier. I mean, you do, but that’s the scariest. But that’s the scary part about community. I mean, community. All right, so So I just So I just married this girl’s with 34 weeks ago whenever my first thought is now. Okay. What?

Everything I do. She goes to her quote community, which is quote her friends. Which means her friends are gonna quote, learn So our form an opinion about me already that what she does, she’s done that she’s gone to her sister and its mass this and mats that masses. And so now there’s an opinion form with her community. So, community, I don’t know. It’s kind of a scary word. It’s hard for people to just jump in and grab a community, cause you gotta be a little vulnerable, and then you gotta trust to hear you’re talking to and that’s not an easy thing to do.

So, Jason, let me ask you. So from your explain, okay. You were a young man before or how? No worries. The writers that didn’t know long. Wow. I hear you’ve been there. You’ve been there, right? All right. So let’s say you know, you’re dating somebody or early in the marriage, right? And you’re just like a I just want to kick it with my friends. I just want to go out. I want to be to myself. Like, how did you get out of that? How did you get to the point where you are now?

Like, how did you transition? Apparently I got old is the problem. You got no friends. Thank God for hands. What? I mean when they’re okay. So the backtrack way I got married in 19 1st time, right? Right. So I was a kid, and I acted like it should pause there for a station break. Who are listening? Do not be Jason. I needed cell shared to do not James competing. I want and do not very 90. Don’t do that. Jason says don’t do that. So But I was a kid, right?

So I was still wanted to play PlayStation all that with my buddies and hang out all that. So I get that I get that part of it because there’s there’s part of that that life you don’t want to totally give up because you’re hanging with your buddies and there should be some of that. Where did the change for me while I change for me, when I had kids was the bigger thing. That’s where it changed, uh, in the responsibility change. But so over time, I guess the mindset kind of changed with that.

That and a few at points I finally realized that marriage wasn’t about me, was about us, right? And so that’s when the mind says, Started changing a little bit. But it took a while to get there a lot of hard not to get that mindset question. Yeah, it does. And I actually had the conversation with my husband, Ahmad, and I was like, because of course, he’s had times where he would stay out. We’ve gone through that. Okay, um and I was just like, Okay, So what did it take for you to not even want that anymore for him?

You know what he said? He did not want to leave his couple’s Life Group. I don’t want to go to the single’s life group up there been in couples Boom. Yeah, And here’s a question toe. Yeah, who was calling him when he was staying out? Who was called? Okay, so the first time. But for nobody, I didn’t have it because no, we did. It was just one of those things where I was just It was like I didn’t know who to say or what, who to tell, because I didn’t want the judgment or anyone to think anything negative of him.

And in the second time, it was you. So much room. So let’s talk about Jason. You said Why? I don’t know if I want. So let’s talk about what is the right community. How do you find the right community? Cause I would agree with you 100% from my experience personally and working with couples 95% of the time. Family is not the right community, you know. There’s very few family members that have the ability to hear about their family members relationship and remain unbiased. So here’s what happens with a lot of people, right?

Who who use community the wrong way So you go home and or you call and you’re going off to your mom or your sister, Auntie, about your husband. He’s no good. And he did it and you know what he called me and and then because you love him, you forgive him, which is what should happen in a relationship. But because there’s feelings there, you’re now good. But then you show up at Thanksgiving and the family doesn’t have the same feelings also, their forgiveness or ability to be on.

But now they don’t want him around. And then that you’re mad because what? No, you gotta forgive my for game or good, right? So most there’s very few. There are some instances, depending on who it is, but that’s very rare when family could be part of your community. So let’s say family is usually not your community cause they’re not biased. Mama barrel, Show up. Oh yeah, Who is your community? I think it consists of a few thing is going to consist of some peers. So Toya I mentioned being in Life group, and that’s a group of people who, through the church, are meeting together a couple of times a month hanging out, talking about life, growing their relationships, just kind of doing life together.

I think you need some of them is your community. And then I think you need somebody further down the road than you. All right, So piers, you say, appears so I don’t go to church. I do go to church but say I don’t go to church. I mean, it’s quite a bit just you don’t go Teoh beginning in the parking lot. So, Piers, I mean piers to me, it only because you go back into the same situation, this family, when it’s my buddies, that arm appear in her buddies that air her peers that same situation.

So what appears doing good push back. So let’s talk about when we talk about Piers. Ask yourself the question. What did they value? So if my peers are my five single buddies who value going out, hanging out, picking up chicks, doing whatever, I can’t expect them when I come to them with the marriage issue, toe value, my marriage because that’s not a priority, So I think they’ve got to be people. If you don’t go to a church like minded people, they are trying to grow and strengthen their marriage, who are trying to improve the commitment, the relationship they have just people that are in the same season trying to go in the same direction as you.

So what I want if I’m trying to grow my marriage or five from my marriage? Do I want my community to be single people, people who have been divorced three times because they can’t stand nobody? No, because they’re gonna push me towards what they value. So I would say your community has gotta be people that value what you’re trying to go after, which is your relationship in your marriage. I mean, that would be a big one. If you’re not in church, then I would say that Hey, do you have some other couples who are about what you’re about and trying to grow their relationships?

Then then I think you build community and those could be the people that you talked about. What’s going on that makes me. I mean, I do know that we all tend to focus or we tend to gravitate to to the quote community that agrees with what I say. So so you get that whole advice, basically telling me what I want to hear. So that is what happens. This is why I think if you’re a married couple, you need other married couples. Is your community not five buddies who are gonna side with you?

Here’s the other thing, man. If we really want to get honest, you know, there’s some people who listen in right now who they’re the people they would call their community. Don’t ever really speak into their life. And they believe it’s because they’re the one in the group has got it together most. And so I’m here to tell you, Look into the radio as you listen Right now, I’m here to tell you that if your community is not speaking into your life with truth, like where you’re off where you need to grow, where your offensive, it’s not because you’re good.

Even if they say, Oh, no, girl, you’re good is not Cause you’re good is because you made it painful enough for them to give you feedback that it’s not worth their time. So if they’re not calling me out, they’re not my community. If they’re not calling you out, then either they don’t care about you or your response to them. Calling you out in the past has told them any worth coming to Jason because he gets defensive, he makes me pay. And so the absence of true feedback from your friends, it’s either you’ve great environment where they don’t feel comfortable doing it.

Oh, are there? Came care about themselves. What’s our slogan? Now, don’t be Jason. Okay. All right. So So when it comes to piers, that’s what I would say. Like minded. They’re married. They’re fighting for their marriage like you’re fighting for your marriage. That was gonna be the people that are gonna push you towards marriage when things aren’t going well. And I think having some older couples in your life then can step in. So my wife and I have Well, let’s go back to family. We are fortunate enough that my parents are one of those couples, but that’s very rare.

And part of it is because my dad was been a counselor an army for 25 years and continues to counsel. So he has the ability to have a numb bias perspective, and I never picked them, so Jill will pick them. But we’ve got three couples and will we get into a conflict we can’t resolve? If we have talked about it two or three times over the period of a month or two and we’re not coming to resolution, we’re not going to get there because I think I’m right.

She thinks she’s right. I think I’m right. I’m not gonna wake up one day and go. Ah, yeah, You do make sense now. No, I understand what you’re saying. I just think it’s wrong. So well, say, who do you want? Call and I usually let her decide. And last time we had an issue, she said, Let’s call your parents So we put him on speakerphone. We both gave our sides of the story and we said, Weigh in on. And when they weigh in on it, we have already agreed that we will submit to what they come up with.

Some says a lot about your family, man. Well, your wife saying call your mom and daddy. That’s that’s when you know they’re on bias. Because why would she ever didn’t think that? Yeah, I’m not the one because all of us would be like, Oh, yeah, Coleman, my parents were right. Yeah. Yeah, I think that that’s what I’d say. Those two things. The presence of peers who are trying to go in the same direction you are who feel comfortable and you call each other out, hold each other accountable.

And then somebody further down the road has got more wisdom that can speak into you guys is mayors and help out Alright. You threw out of mind. What do you go? Who do you go to? Um, I have girlfriends from church that I’ll kind of talk to. Same thing. What? Everything he just said, Doesn’t mind. Know them. I mean, he Yes, yes, he trust there, But he trusts him. So it’s good Life grew other, uh, church ministries. Other people like that in our lives that I kinda been transparent with.

So Yeah, There you go. Okay. So I’ve heard you say, Pastor Rick, I’ve heard you say use come camaraderie versus community. Yeah. Yeah, I think I made that comment once. Just cause they both start with season. It sounds cool in servant at the past, but not just that. There’s a difference between camaraderie and community being in. Don’t fool yourself into thinking the boys you hang out with the girls you hang out with who don’t hold you accountable aren’t speaking truth in your life. Don’t call them community.

Those air just acquainted. Those people you hang out with that they’re not really it’s so let’s shift for a minute. Let’s talk about what I believe. 33 things that I think community provides because we still got some people who are going. Yeah, you know, I grew up on my parents said, Don’t let nobody you know what happens in our house. Don’t don’t happen. Anybody else’s out. The funny thing is, if that’s you, I just want to ask yourself a simple question. Look at your parents relationship. If they’re still around, look at the grand parents and then ask yourself, Are they still struggling with the same patterns they were when you lived in the home and answers Yes, because if you don’t have outside energy or wisdom coming into your your relationship with your family, you’re going to repeat the same pattern.

So a lot of people who say nad any nobody else’s business just keep it in the house. They’re struggling with the same thing that their parents struggle with that their kids were struggling with. And so, for those naysayers, I believe three things. Community provides number one of security. I think my safety and my marriage is not the fact that now what? I want my wife to act right, Right. She wants me to act right. I’m not saying you just let him go crazy. But the security and our marriage is not my full confidence that she’s always gonna make the right choice.

The security and my marriage is knowing I’ve got women who can speak into our life and color into account when she don’t want to listen to me, right? So here’s a good That’s a good question for you to do. You two always and you’re never supposed they always and never by my side. Do you always respond to your spouse’s wishes and request you always submit yourself to your spouse? You first. Do I always respond? That’s the question todo So let’s say Ahmad is desire ing something from you.

Hey, man, I’ve been telling you I need more of X where I need Maura. Why do you always respond Because you’re so godly? Yeah, let me. Let me put self aside and selflessly serve you, my lord dancers. No, wait here. Come on, baby. I got some X and the Y for you. So the answer is no, you know, but depending on what it is, it might happen sooner than later. Jason, I’m just trying to figure out the question here. Anyone would actually a rhetorical question. The answer is no.

Yeah, that’s what I does know. We’re all we’re all selfish. So every wish and desire that my wife has I’m not going to respond to. And if I’m counting on my wife, always behaving right, responding right and always having the marriage in mind, not her selfish ambitions. I’m gonna find myself in trouble at some point. Which is why I say community provides security because there’s times when my wife is needed it. There’s times when I need there’s times when I get a call from the people and she got a handful of people she called any moment who can call me into account with my first.

I mean, my first human instinct is gonna be Not that they would think of this, but just natural is gonna be. Has that house. My response benefit me, but what am I going to get out of it? I think that’s what that’s just the first natural response. But you know, so I think we all need outside accountability, right? I do not want to be my wife’s Onley accountability partner for our whole marriage, because that puts us in an adversarial relationship when I’m holding her accountable for stuff.

And so it’s not that fun to go on date night with my accountability. Barner. Not that fun to have when you still have fun, have sex, but it’s not as fun with my accountability partner. So I need some other people I need. I need the toys. I need the other people, the leases. I need people that they can hold you accountable. So I think it provides security. I think the second thing and we won’t spend a whole lot of time on these ones, but I think it provides support.

Yeah, there’s times when we need outside encouragement and strength because our spouses, in a season where they don’t want to provide it or can’t provide it, and this is we’re gonna go biblical here for a minute, so those those who are non Christians. This is a big old word called sanctification, and that simply means that’s the process of God molding us into the image of his son, Jesus Christ. And I think marriage is the greatest place for that to happen. But I think we need people outside our marriage to help us in those seasons.

Here’s what I mean. I’ve got stuff in me this not Christ like right. And in the context of my relationship on my marriage, that stuff is gonna be exposed when God decides he wants to deal with it. And oftentimes, when it’s exposed, it’s gonna cause great pain in my spouse. And in that season, I need some outside community to support and walk with me to help me get where I need to be in any community to walk with my spouse. Aziz. She’s hurting from the things I’ve done that that air stemmed out of my sin nature.

So I think those three things that we could probably 57 others, But I think those are three key things that community provides. Yeah. Have you got seen that in your life? I mean both been mayor? Yeah, other seasons when that’s been helpful. Yeah, we probably wouldn’t be here without community at all. Not at all. I mean, in the community, I mean, the community surround yourself with is what we talked about. It’s got to be the right people because I’ve had some not so good community over time to I mean, that’s that could drag you down a path that, uh, you don’t want to go for sure.

So, yeah, communities make your break. You you better pick the right ones. So how about this little? It’s in with a list of what? Because there could be some people listening is like, Well, I tried that with my spouse or my boyfriend. They just don’t want community because that’s just not really how they grew up. So let’s give him some reasons why they really don’t want community. What are some reasons that people fight against, because they’re going to say, Well, that’s not really my thing, But there’s really some underlying root.

So let’s give let’s give you some ideas of what are some reasons that people don’t want community in their life? The biggest one. Pride, pride. What do you mean by price? just this my way or no way. What your Yeah, exactly, right, or they they think, Well, if I need help from somebody outside me that that reveals weakness, I wait to see that, actually, in the world we’re in right now. Yes, I mean, hey. Yeah. I mean, that’s the way I grew up. I grew up a Texas boy, you know?

You know, show week. This so I can see that Kind of what we talked. I mean, what I talked about earlier, I think Just fear, man. I mean, you gotta going back to Matt. I mean, he his example of his mom and dad of who he thought was community busted apart. Now he’s got no community, so I I trusted them. Now, who travel right? His whole perspective is, yeah. So it changes your whole perspective. Yes. Fears gotta be up there. Ignorance. So no idea. That community is even healthy.

I mean, that’s just Yeah, this is sad, really, but yeah, I mean, it is, but that’s what we live in. That’s it, May Yeah. I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I mean, I think I keep going back to to trust I guess more the sense of, you know, do I trust, You know, with my wife. I got to trust my wife, but do I trust her? Friends Didn’t give her. I mean, you know, there’s a big trust thing going on there, So big factor. All right, So?

Well, we talked a lot about community and how important it is in any relationship, whether you’re dating getting there, Especially if you’re preparing to get married. So, um, that that wraps us up for today. So thank you all for listening to The RelationShop with me. I’m Toya and we have Eric and Jason, and thank you so much. That wraps it up. Power 77.

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